So, you are reading this on Monday and even though I’m writing this on Friday, the weekend is indeed over, because I am working all weekend long anyway, so IT IS OVER!!!! 

Sigh!

So, to make up for that, we gotta laugh!

We gotta laugh hard!

We gotta belly laugh!

We gotta laugh till we cry!

We gotta … oh the heck with it …

That is such an apt description I just had to laugh!

Hey!  Hey!  Hey!  Not all of them!  Some of them are almost 60% / 40%!

One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.

An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he’d just seen. “Son, you’ve just witnessed a miracle,” the priest said. “Tell me where is this man now?”

“Flat on his butt over by the holy water,” said the boy.

That thing is incredible!!!

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like:

“We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.”

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

“How long have you been driving without a tail light?” asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist. 

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a long, painful groan. 

He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit. 

“Come on, now,” he said, “you don’t have to take it so hard. It isn’t that serious.” 

“It isn’t?” cried the motorist. “Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?” 

“Where are you Wizard?  I know you’re here somewhere, I can smell the Girl Scout Cookies on your breath!  I know you and your friends stole them from my horde and for that YOU WILL DIE!!”

This one is from Stephanie… and I agree with her.

I thought they were funny~~~

1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.

6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.

13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.

14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.

15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

I’ve often feared that’s the way Mary was going to fix my snoring problem.

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

Dating when you’re older is like trying to find a cart with good wheels at Walmart.

“Mirror, mirror in my home, get me Impish Dragon on the phone!”

This “story” is from Leah D…

Years ago, even the news carried the warning about how germy women’s purses are. They pointed out how often women go to the restroom, with no place to sit or hang it, the purse is set on the bathroom floor.

I desperately needed to pee! I had a long way to cover from where I was in the store, to where the restroom was. But I took that extra second to set my purse in the bathroom sink, before I made it to the toilet seat just in time . . . to realize the faucets were automatic, and now my purse was filled with water!

Yes, it is my true story.

The future the grandkids may ask about the global crisis of 2020 and how the world was tragically out of toilet paper…..

I plan to tell them that we had to drag our butts across the grass, up hill both ways in the snow.

Cop:  Why is there a crocodile buckled in your passenger seat!? 

Me:  [offended] Steve isn’t a crocodile!  He’s my Navi-Gator!  I’d be lost without him!

Three drunk guys entered a taxi.  The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine and turned it off again.  Then he said, “We have reached your destination.” 

The first guy gave him money and got out. 

The second guy said, “Thank you.” and he got out. 

The third guy slapped the driver. 

The driver was shocked thinking the third drunk knew what he did.  But, he asked anyway, “What was that for?” 

The third guy replied, “Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!”

When I got sent to  jail, I was held down over a table and taken hard right up the arse for at least an hour.  And I thought to myself, Uncle Bryan takes Monopoly far too seriously…

Sometimes you just gotta steal a traffic cone at 3 am and move on…

Pay attention:

and the truth is that ALL veterans pay with their lives.
Some pay all at once, while others pay over a lifetime.
               ~ JmStorm

“Once weapons were manufactured to fight wars.  Now wars are manufactured to sell weapons.”

~ Arundhati Roy

And you have no idea how much this next one pisses me (and other veterans) off!!!

Dumb Ass!

Lying Dumb Ass!

Thieving Dumb Ass!

Yikes!

I’ve been stabbed in the back by those I needed the most.  I’ve been lied to by those I  love.  And I have felt alone when I couldn’t afford to be.  But at the end of the day I had to learn to be my own best friend because there’s going to be days where no one is going to be there for me but myself!

Or it could be a movie prop…

Paddy wanted to sell his car so his mate told him to wind the mileage back a bit and he would get a better price for it. 

He saw him a few days later and asked how he’d got on.  Paddy said when he finished winding it back it only had 7,000 on the clock so he decided to keep it!

Oh come on!!!  It’s a cheese cake!

Doctor:  Alright, I have your diagnosis…

Patient:  Make it quick Doc, I don’t have all day.

Doctor:  So, who told you?

What a fantastic picture!!!!

This is awesome!!!

Went swimming today and I took a pee in the deep end. 

The Lifeguard noticed that and he blew his freaking whistle so loud I almost fell in.

Apparently, it’s only appropriate to say, “Look at you!  You got so big!” to children.  Adults tend to get offended.

A man is suing Smart Water for not making him smart, and I’d like to formally announce my lawsuit against Thin Mints.

And that’s it my friends.  Have a great week.  Until Thursday then.  May God Bless you with Love and Happiness.