and other Mythical…what?  OTHER MYTHICAL WHAT?  What kind of heading is that?  Who leaves out important words like that?

EDITOR!

Yes, Impish?

Who in the world created that header?

You did, Mr. Dragon.

[Sputter!] Well, of course I did, but who inked it and put in the words?  And don’t call me Mr.. Dragon.  Mr. Dragon is my father.

Actually, Sir, your father is Papa Dragon Most Senior, and I switched to Mr. Dragon because it seemed as though you were getting upset and when you get upset people and other creatures tend to, um, to put it delicately, disap…

I DO NOT MAKE PEOPLE DISAPPEAR!

Yes sir.  In fact you eat them, sir.  And I’m getting very uncomfortable having this conversation with you right now, and if you don’t mind…

[GASP!] I     DO     NOT     EAT     EMPLOYEES!!!!!

Sir, where is Kevin?

—–

And I haven’t seen Marvin for a while either…

———–

Nancy…
Nancy is on vacation!!!

Will there be anything else, sir?

No, … no… that’s all for now.  Thank you. Oh and Jackson…

Yes, sir?

Stop calling me sir.  My parents were married when I was born.

Yes…um…Impish.  Quite so.

At least I’m pretty sure they were. Anyway, where were we?  Oh yeah, welcome to Saturday,  While you are reading this I am either teaching class or playing a tiny round of hooky and am at Men’s Breakfast depending on whether or not I have anyone scheduled for class today or not.  With having had an inspection all week this week from higher headquarters there’s no telling what kind of shape I’m truly in by the time you guys are reading this, so wish me luck.  And in the mean time, let’s get this fun fest started with some laughter, shall we?

Remember I told you the other day to look up Gilda Radner if you didn’t know who she was… Here’s Stephen B.’s opinion:

Gilda Radner and Gene Wilder.  Will there ever be a more perfect couple?  5 short years together.

It was a love story for the ages.  Over WAY too soon.

Okay, remember the rules…give yourself one point for every item on the list that you have NOT done.  So, out of the twenty items on the list, Impish Dragon gets a score of ….. zero.  I’ve done every single one of those things.  Come on!  That stuff wasn’t THAT long ago, was it?

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

– H. G. Wells (1866-1946)

A minister was giving the children’s message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, “I’m going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is.” The children nodded eagerly.

“This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)…” No hands went up. “And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)…” The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. “And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it’s excited (pause)…”

Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The minister breathed a sigh of relief and called on him.

“Well,” said the boy, “I know the answer you’re looking for is supposed to be ‘Jesus’ … but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me.”

The new MREs aren’t bad, but the old C-Rations came with a lot of extras, like tooth picks, silver ware… they were pretty nice.

A little boy walked up to the librarian to check out a book entitled “COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE FOR MOTHERS.”

When the librarian asked him if it was for his mother, he answered no.

“Then why are you checking it out?”

“Because,” said the boy, beaming from ear to ear, “I just started collecting moths last month!”

Hey!  Us Dragons like to open gifts, too!

Oh, I’d say about a 7 on the old rubber ducky scale.

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight.

She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tell your fortune. So, she thought to herself “I’ll give it a try just to see what it tells me.”

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, “You’re a nun you weigh 128 lb. and you are going to Chicago, Illinois.”

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you’re going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle.”

The nun said to herself, “I know that’s wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life,”

She sat down again. From no where, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, “This is incredible. I’ve got to try it again,”

Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you’re going to Chicago, Illinois and you’re going to break wind.

Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; “I’ve never broke wind in public a day in my life! “Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.

Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, “This is truly unbelievable! I’ve got to try it again.”

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago.

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess’ lap and said: “Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:

“I don’t really think so.”

Just a cool picture.

One day in a third grade classroom a teacher asked her students what their fathers did for a living. The first boy raises his hand, and says my dad is a fireman. The teacher replies, “Hey, thats a great profession, he gets to fight fires and he has to be very brave.” 

So the teacher calls on a second student. A young girl is chosen, and she tells the class that her father is a policeman. The teacher replied, “Oh thats a great job, he has to be very brave, and he gets to put all the criminals behind bars.” 

So a third student raises his hand and is chosen by the teacher. She asks him what his father does for a living and he says that his father eats light bulbs. The teacher, now confused, says, “That’s crazy, what makes you think that he eats light bulbs?” 

The student replies, “Well last night I got up out of bed to get a drink of water, and when I walked by my parents room I overheard my father say, ‘Hey baby, turn out the light and I’ll eat it.'”

“It is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie.”
~ Nelson Mandela

“I can’t afford to hate anyone. I don’t have that kind of time.”

~ Akira Kurosawa

It is a known fact that all daughters-in-law have problems with their mother-in-law. 

Anyway… One day the daughters-in-law all got together and decided to apologise to their mothers-in-law for everything they had supposedly done wrong. 

A week later the daughters-in-law decided to take their families (including their mothers-in-law) on a picnic. 

The mothers-in-law were all in one bus, which was the first to leave. 

On the way their bus had an accident and all the mothers-in-law died. 

The daughters-in-law were devastated but one in particular was more heart broken than the rest. Everyone tried to console her by telling her that at least her mother-in-law had died without any tension between them. But still she cried. 

Eventually when she was calm enough to speak the other women asked her: “Why are you crying so much?   Was your mother-in-law that special?” 

The woman no sobbing uncontrollably replied… “No,  she missed the bus!” 

An old lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs. 

Several months later, the doctor took off the cast. 

“Can I climb stairs now?” asked the little old lady. 

“Yes,” he replied. 

“Thank goodness!” she said. “I’m sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!” 

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

– Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

A sailor, while bringing flowers to a cemetery, noticed an old Chinese man placing a bowl of rice on a nearby grave.

The sailor walked up to the man and asked, “When do you expect your friend to come up and eat the rice?”

The old Chinese man replied with a smile, “Same time your friend comes up to smell the flowers.”

Mother: “How’s your history paper coming?”

Son: “Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research and it’s been very helpful.

Mother: “Really?”

Son: “Yes, so far I’ve located 17 people who sell them!”

“If you’re going to work here young man, ” said the boss, “the number two thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm.” “Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?”

“Oh, yes, sir.” responded the young man.

“And another thing the number one thing we are very keen on is truthfulness. There is no mat.” said the boss.

Once upon a time, in the cold, cold country of Minnesota, there lived a rather crotchety old man.

You really couldn’t blame him for being crotchety; he had no family or friends, he lived all alone, and he didn’t have much money.

But he did have a nice place to live, despite the very cold weather.

He owned a log cabin PLUS a nice lake. The property was his very own.

In the summers, when it wasn’t so extremely cold, he swam in his lake and he fished in his lake.

In the winters he would cut holes in the ice and ice fish. Yes, his lake was his one delight in life.

Well, one cold, cold day in January (the lake was frozen over, of course) he noticed a lone man crossing his lake, hauling a sled with many, many bundles of cashmere sweaters piled on top of it. He certainly wasn’t hurting anything, simply crossing this man’s lake!

But remember, I said that this man was rather crotchety. And he was very protective of his beloved lake. And quite frankly, he didn’t like the fact that someone was using his lake to transport products!

But this first time he didn’t do anything about it, just grumbled a little to himself.

However, the next week, while peering out his window at the cold, cold country, thinking about cutting a hole in the ice and going ice fishing, he saw this same man crossing his lake hauling more bundles of cashmere sweaters on his sled. He became rather agitated. But still, he let it go.

Until the next week when it happened again!

Same man!

Same sled!

Same sweaters!

This time he was more than agitated, he was outraged!

This time he took action. He called the local police station and had the man arrested! He had no intention of letting someone pull the wool over his ice!

Being an adult can be difficult, but at least we don’t have to do P.E. anymore.

I recently got divorced from my wife. 
We decided to split the house. 
I got the outside.

I just saw 2 blind guys fighting.  You should have seen both of their faces when I said, “I’ve got my money on the one with the knife.”

To start a zoo you need at least:
2 Pandas
1 Grizzly
1 Polar
These are the bear minimums.

WOKE… A  term used for Whining, Obnoxious, Killjoy, Egotistical pussies that need everything sugar-coated for them!

And that it’s it my friend.  All is done for the day.  May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.