There are certain things that can be counted on in life.  Certain things that you can rely on to happen regularly or to happen in response to other things.  You can expect Joe from NJ to send us some golden oldie jokes…and as I sit here with my laptop on my lap, in my living room on Friday morning, starting off this episode of Dragon Laffs, I can glance a tiny bit to my left and see a screen full of emails from Joe that I know are full of jokes and memes waiting to be added to this and upcoming issues for all of our enjoyment.  Something to be counted on, relied on, expected and cherished. 

Going through my comments this morning I got one from Friggin’ Pete that said:

If you want to click on the link you can.  In a nutshell, 3 very young off duty Marines asked a bunch of teenagers to stop setting off fireworks when and where they shouldn’t have been setting them off and they got attacked.  About 40 teens had them on the ground kicking and beating them.  The fact that they were Marines just makes it worse, but that they would treat ANYBODY that way for asking them to stop doing something they shouldn’t have been doing is just appalling.  So yeah, the last thing, in this little opening statement that you can count on is that this Dragon is going to get angry, righteously ANGRY over the mistreatment of anybody, but most especially a service member.  When it’s worse than 10 to 1 and the young men are curled up on the ground and you are kicking them.  I agree Sammye, hung, drawn and quartered. 

Just to start off this laugh fest the right way, to be hung, drawn and quartered was to be dragged to the place where you were going to be hung, usually behind a horse, sometimes in some sort of device.  This was one definition of the “drawn” part.  Then you were hung by the neck until you were almost dead.  This is not the normal dropping you from a height to snap your neck kind of hanging, this was much more slow and torturous.  This took a bit of skill.  Of course this was the “hung” part.  Then, while you were still alive you were laid out on a table and you were cut open down through your abdomen where your intestines and sex organs were removed and thrown in an open flame near by especially prepared for this.  This part is the other definition for the “drawn” part.  Finally, your head was cut off and the rest of your body was cut into four pieces (“quartered”) and those pieces were normally spread around the area as a warning to other people.  And yes, I think that would be quite appropriate punishment to be brought back for such cowardly, mob related acts of stupid violence.  Could also be used on rioters who burn and loot other peoples property in the name of “Peaceful demonstration” is what I think the democrats called it.

Now that we’ve gotten that fun start to the issue… 

The new office-boy came into his boss’s office and said, “I think you’re wanted on the phone, sir.”

“What do you mean, you think?” demanded the boss.

“Well, sir, the phone rang, I answered it and a voice said ‘Is that you, you old fool?'” explained the boy.

Two little boys were arguing.

“My father is better than your father!”

“No he’s not!”

“My brother is better than your brother!”

“No he’s not!”

“My mother is better than your mother!”

The second boy paused. “Well I guess you’ve got me there. My father says the same thing.”

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations do not go together:

A nose ring and bifocals

Spiked hair and bald spots

A pierced tongue and dentures

Miniskirts and support hose

Ankle bracelets and corn pads

Speedos and cellulite

A bellybutton ring and a gallbladder surgery scar

Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

Bikinis and liver spots

Short shorts and varicose veins

In-line skates and a walker

You know those “Official” photos that you have to pose for when you are crowned king or made president?  This is mine from last year when I was anointed Grand Shaman of the Dragon Writers Guild.

An ugly old lady went to an auction sale.

There she was attracted to a parrot in a gilded cage. The parrot was large, very healthy looking and exquisitely colored. The old lady was so attracted by the parrot’s appearance that she couldn’t help but bid on it. She bid, determined to have the parrot, but another bidder competed and drove the price very high. The old lady eventually bought the parrot.

She was at the cashier’s desk and told the cashier that she was so excited about the beautiful appearance of the parrot that she had neglected to ask if it could talk.

The parrot spoke up, “Who do you think was bidding against you?”

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed  it. 

I had amnesia once — or twice. 

I went to San  Francisco. I found someone’s heart. Now what? 

Protons have mass?  I didn’t even know they were Catholic. 

All I ask is a chance to  prove that money can’t make me happy. 

If the world were a logical  place, men would ride horses side-saddle. 

What is a “free” gift?  Aren’t all gifts free? 

They told me I was gullible . and I  believed them. 

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as  long. 

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else  is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical  questions? 

One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people. 

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every  problem begins to look like a nail. 

A flashlight is a  case for holding dead batteries. 

What was the greatest thing  before sliced bread? Hmmmm? 

My weight is perfect for my height —  which varies. 

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not  sure. 

The cost of living hasn’t affected its  popularity. 

How can there be self-help  “groups”? 

Is there another word for synonym? 

Where  do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”? 

The speed of time  is one-second per second. 

Is it possible to be totally  partial? 

What’s another word for thesaurus? 

Is  Marx’s tomb a communist plot? 

If swimming is so good for your  figure, how do you explain whales? 

It’s not an optical illusion.  It just looks like one. 

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings  taste like chicken? 

I don’t know if it’s true or not and that picture certainly doesn’t match, but it is a good story.

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. 

He inquired of God, “Where have you been?” 

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look Michael, look what I’ve made.” 

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?” 

“It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.” 

“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused. 

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, “For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.” 

God continued, pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.” 

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass in the top corner and asked, “What’s that one?” 

“Ah,” said God. “That’s Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be found traveling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I’m also going to give them superhuman, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them.” 

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, “What about balance, God? You said there would be BALANCE!” 

God replied wisely, 

“Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I’m putting next to them.” 

Guardian Angels do exist – ours just come very well armed.

This one is way cool.  I got it from a couple of different sources.

A kindhearted man walks past a beggar every day and gives him $20 and that continues for a year. Suddenly the daily handout changes to $10.

“Well,” the beggar thinks, “it’s still better than nothing.”

A year passes in this way until the man’s daily handout suddenly becomes $5.

One day, the beggar asks the kindhearted man, “What’s going on now?” “First you give me $20 every day, then it became $10 every day, and now only $5 a day. What’s the problem?”

“Well,” the man says, “last year my eldest son went to college to become a doctor specializing in the treatment of children’s cancer. It’s very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my daughter also went to college to work in medical science with hopes to find cures for diseases plaguing the world, so I had to cut my expenses even further.”

“And how many children do you have?” the beggar asks.

“Four,” the man replies.

“Well,” says the beggar, “I hope you don’t plan to educate them all at my expense.”

I think we’ve probably done this one before, but since I’m too old to remember…

Since  Youngsters  of  Today  have  their  Texting  Codes  *(  LOL,  OMG,  TTYL,  etc.)* 
the  Oldies  decided  not  to  be  outdone  by  these  kids  and  now  have  developed  our  own  codes  too  :
🔷ATD  –  At  the  Doctor’s*
🔷BFF  –  Best  Friend’s  Funeral
🔷BTW  –  Bring  the  Wheelchair
🔷BYOT  –  Bring  your  own  teeth
🔷FWIW  –  Forgot  Where  I  Was
🔷GGPBL  –  Gotta  Go,  Pacemaker  Battery  Low*
🔷GHA  –  Got  Heartburn  Again
🔷TFT  –  Texting  From  Toilet.
👍Now  share  this  with  some  other  oldies,  who  are  50+,  and  make  their  day👍”

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: “What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?” the minister asked.

“Try to fix it if it’s big; ignore it if it’s insignificant,” replied the lawyer. “What do you do?”

The minister replied, “Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say ‘the devil is the father of liars,’ but instead I said ‘the devil is the father of lawyers,’ so I let it go.”

As chaplain in a university residence hall, I am supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on pets.

That changed when a kitten adopted me. The freshmen in my dorm kept my secret. They covered for me by calling my kitten “the Book,” since I had so many in my room.

One morning I was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a carrier. A student stopped me and asked, “Where are you taking the Book?”

I exlained that I was taking the kitten to the vet. “She’s getting neutered today,” I told him.

“Hmmm,” the student responded, “no sequels.”

No, you really friggin’ can’t!

I’m pretty sure we’re going to have to!

I don’t know…all my noises and smells are explained.

An American with a parrot perched on his shoulder walked into a pub.

The landlord said, “Wow! That’s really neat! Where’d you get him?”

“In America,” the parrot replied. “They have millions of them.”

Every woman wants a husband who is handsome, understanding, rich, and loving.
But the law allows only one husband.

One woman’s hobby is another woman’s hubby.

The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.

It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.

If you can’t get a lawyer who knows the law, get one who knows the judge.

A man owes his success to his first wife
and he owes his second wife to his success.

Love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.

When a woman steals your Husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Marriage is like a cage; those outside are desperate to get in, and those inside are desperate to get out.

Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with;
only marry someone that you cannot live without.

There is no security on this earth, there is only opportunity.

-Douglas MacArthur (1880 – 1964)

Izzy sent this to me.  I hope it’s satire.  I truly hope it’s not real!

Doug goes to a doctor and says: “Doctor, my wife recently has lost her voice. What should I do to help her get it back?”

The doctor replies, “Try coming home at 3 in the morning!”

The minister’s little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week, that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn’t go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.

When Saturday arrived, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic after all, the child’s reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.

“Why, what’s the matter, honey? I thought you’d be happy to go to the picnic.” her mother said.

“It’s too late!” the little girl replies sarcastically. . . “I’ve already prayed for rain!”

A parts manager for a small electronics shop, had occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory. But when he received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead.

Furious at the factory’s incompetence, he promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind.

Less than a week later, he received the same part back with a letter containing just four words: “TURN THE PART OVER.”

Yeah, that’s really true.  Nor Bigfoot (Yeti, Sasquatch (other than ours) Abominable Snowman, et al) 

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon “quickie.” 

“Don’t worry,” he purrs. “My wife is out of town on a business trip, so there’s no risk.” 

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, “We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!” 

“No problem,” her lover replies. “I’ll get my wife’s diaphragm.” 

After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. 

“That witch!” he exclaims. “She took it with her! I always knew she didn’t trust me!” 

WHAT          THE          HECK          !?!?!?

If you take all the veins, arteries and capillaries from a man’s body and lay them end to end in a straight line……

That man would die!

And that’s it again my friends.  May your day be blessed with love and happiness.