Good Morning Campers!

Holy Cow! 1007 hits to the site yesterday!  1007 hits!  Can you believe that?  I know, some of you out there who have big joke lists and 15 gazzilion subscribers and all that, well sure…but our little group of friends are the upper-crust, the elite.  You have to be one of the special ones to “get” Dragon Laffs.

Okay, so I’m making most of this shit up, but still… 1007 hits!  And it’s all been you wonderful campers.  Thank you so much for helping us reach this incredible milestone. 

Now, forget all this stuff and let’s get to the laughs!

The Rule Maker

Do you know who makes the rules?

As sportsmen, it is absolutely imperative that in all of the sports we engage, we, without hesitation, play by the rules …

We take care to understand the rules, we discuss the rules amongst ourselves, and we study the rules …

As golfers, we are ruled by the rules …
Lord knows there are all kinds of rules in that game.

And as citizens, we must follow the rule of law for so many things we do every day…

But just in case you have been pondering this, all your life, as to whom actually makes the rules, please note the following:

…I do hope this clears it up….

 

Nudemen Clock

 

Okay…this is one of the weirdest set of videos I’ve ever seen.  VERY nicely done.  Enjoy!

Our dear friend K² gives us this indepth look at Grits:

What Is Grits?

Nobody knows. Many people feel that grits are made from ground up bits of white corn. This is obviously a lie. Nothing as good as Grits can be made from corn.

The most recent research suggests that the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits.

 Critics disagree, stating that there is no record of butter, salt, or cheese raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients.

How Grits are Formed.

Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes over 1000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world’s grit mines are in Southern Georgia, and are guarded day and night by armed guards and fierce attack dogs.

Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners lose their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast (not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of the question). Yankees have attempted to create a synthetic Grits. They call them Cream of Wheat.

As far as we can tell the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer’s Glue and shredded Styrofoam. These synthetic grits have also been shown to cause nausea, and may leave you unable to have children.

Historical Grits

As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of  Grits was by the Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert. After that, Grits was not heard from for another 1000 years. Experts feel that Grits was used during this time only during secret religious ceremonies, and was kept from the public due to it’s rarity. The next mention of Grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a woman’s personal diary.

The woman’s name was Herculaneum Jemimaneus (Aunt Jemima to her friends.)

The 10 Commandments of Grits

I. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits

II. Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife

III. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is blasphemy

IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s Grits

V. Thou shalt use only Salt, Butter, and Cheese as toppings for thy Grits

VI. Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits

VII. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits

VIII. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits

IX. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits

X. Thou shalt not put sugar on thy Grits either

How to Cook Grits

For one serving of Grits:
Boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little butter.
Add 5 TBsp of Grits.
Reduce to a simmer and allow the Grits to soak up all the water.
That’s all there is to cooking grits.

How to Eat Grits

Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generous portion of butter. (WARNING: Do NOT use low-fat butter.) The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow. (Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the colors match, you have the correct amount of butter.) Next, add salt. (NOTICE: The correct ration of Grit to Salt is 10:1 Therefore for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt.) Cheese is optional. However if you wish to add cheese, cut it into 1/4′ squares and add immediately before you eat your Grits. You do not want your cheese to melt completely. Now begin eating your grits.

Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat Grits. Your grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork.

The correct beverage to serve with Grits is Milk or Chocolate Milk. (WARNING: Use whole milk only – DO NOT use 2% or, heaven forbid, Skim Milk.)

Your grits should always be eaten in a bowl. Never use a plate to eat Grits (except, possibly, when mixing them with over-light fried eggs).

Ways to Eat Leftover Grits: 

(Leftover grits are extremely rare)
Spread them in the bottom of a casserole dish, cover and place them in the refrigerator overnight. The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass.  Next morning, slice the Grits into squares and fry them in 1/2″ of cooking oil and butter until they turn a golden brown. Many people are tempted to pour syrup onto Grits served this way. This is, of course, unacceptable.

The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain.
His co-pilot is Chinese.
It’s the first time they’ve flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, ‘I don’t like Chinese.’

‘No rike  Chinese?’ asks the co-pilot, ‘why not?’

‘You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that’s why!’

‘No, no’, the co-pilot protests, ‘Chinese not bomb Peahl  Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.’
 
‘Japanese, Chinese,  Vietnamese – doesn’t matter, you’re all alike!’

There’s a few minutes of silence.  ‘I no rike Jews!’ the co-pilot suddenly announces.

Oh yeah, why not?’  asks the captain.

‘Jews sink Titanic!’ says the co-pilot.

‘What? That’s insane! Jews didn’t sink the Titanic!’ exclaims the captain,  ‘It was an iceberg!’

Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, nomattah, all same!

 

 

 

I know it’s not the season quite yet, but these are amazing!

You know very well that the Amish don’t use electricity. 

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it
off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.  Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, “Well, did anyone else see my face?”

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.

Then, one old cowboy from North Dakota tentatively raised his hand and said, “My wife got a pretty good look at you.”

If this doesn’t put you in the holiday spirit, nothing will.  It’s a riot! ~ Thanks Thumper!

I’m REALLY warning you (K², pay attention!) this is a really bad groaner.  Zack out-did himself this time:

Christmas Party Troubleshooting guide SYMPTOM FAULT ACTION Feet cold and wet. Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. Feet warm and wet. Improper bladder control. Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. Drink unusually pale and tasteless. Glass empty. Get someone to buy you another drink. Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. You have fallen over backward. Have yourself lashed to bar. Mouth contains cigarette butts. You have fallen forward. See above. Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. Floor blurred. You are looking through bottom of empty glass. Get someone to buy you another drink. Floor moving. You are being carried out. Find out if you are being taken to another bar. Room seems unusually dark. Bar has closed. Confirm home address with bartender. Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures. Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations. Cover mouth. Everyone looks up to you and smiles. You are dancing on the table. Fall on somebody cushy-looking. Drink is crystal-clear. It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. Punch him. Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. You have been in a fight. Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in. You’ve wandered into the wrong party. See if they have free alcohol. Your singing sounds distorted. The drink is too weak. Have more alcohol until your voice improves. Don’t remember the words to the song. Drink is just right. Play air guitar.

Young Smart-asses who get EXACTLY what they deserve.