Dragon Laffs #1130

Posted on November 26, 2010 by impishdragon

Good Morning!  I have been instructed that I am NOT to spend the time behind the keyboard, that I WILL rest today.  So, I gotta get this edition out quick.  Be very quiet while reading it and don’t laugh too loud. 

LOL

Enjoy my friends!

Let’s Laugh!

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I was playing Tooth Fairy when my daughter, Marina, suddenly woke up. Seeing the money in my hand, she cried out, “I caught you!”
I froze and tried to think of an explanation for why I, instead of the Tooth Fairy, was putting the money under her pillow but her next words let me off the hook.
“You put that money back!” she said indignantly. “The tooth fairy left that for me!” 

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Little Johnny was excited to see his grandpa was visiting when he arrived home from school. He immediately began to tell him about all the toys in his classroom and the games he liked to play there. “But what did you learn?” his grandpa asked.
Little Johnny thought for a moment and then replied, “I learned to be quiet.” Then he added, “Four times!”
 

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Okay, so why do I see this set up and think, “This is PERFECT!”

Maybe… because I spend WAY TOO MUCH time in front of the computer? Nah!

LOL

PARENT’S GLOSSARY OF KIDS’ KITCHEN TERMS
 
APPETIZING: Anything advertised on TV.
 
BOIL: The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic “Yuck” before a food is even tasted.
 
CASSEROLE: Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together.
 
CHAIR: Spot left vacant by mid-meal bathroom visit.
 
CRUST: Part of a sandwich saved for the starving children of China, India, Africa, or Europe (check one).
 
DESSERTS: The reason for eating a meal.
 
EVAPORATE: Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash dishes.
 
FAT: Microscopic substance detected visually by children on pieces of meat they do not wish to eat.
 
FLOOR: Place for all food not found on lap or chair.
 
FORK: Eating utensil made obsolete by discovery of fingers.
 
FRIED FOODS: Gourmet cooking
 
FROZEN: Condition of children’s jaws when Spinach is served.
 
FRUIT: A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.
 
GERMS: The only thing kids will share freely.
 
KITCHEN: The only room not used when eating crumbly snacks.
 
LAST COOKIE: Item that must be eaten in front of a sibling.
 
LEFTOVERS: Commonly described as “gross.”
 
LIVER: A food that affects genes, creating a hereditary dislike.
 
LOLLIPOP: A snack provided by people who don’t have to pay dental bills.
 
MACARONI: Material for a collage.
 
MEASURING CUP: A kitchen utensil that is stored in the sandbox.
 
METRIC: A system of measurement that will be accepted only after forty years wandering in the desert.
 
NAPKIN: Any warm cloth object, such as shirt or pants.
 
NATURAL FOOD: Food eaten with unwashed hands.
 
NUTRITION: Secret war waged by parents using direct commands, camouflage, and constant guard duty.
 
PLATE: A breakable Frisbee.
 
REFRIGERATOR: A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery.
 
SALIVA: A medium for blowing bubbles.
 
SODA POP: Shake’N Spray.
 
TABLE: A place for storing gum.
 
TABLE LEG: Percussion instrument
 
THIRSTY: How your child feels after you’ve said your final “good night.”
 
VEGETABLE: A basic food known to satisfy kid’s hunger — but only by sight.
 
WATER: The cola of underdeveloped countries.

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WOW!  This Says It ALL….

Thanks Jeannie805

There are a couple of REALLY good one-liners that go along with this picture… Sexist, bigoted, but funny…really funny.  But, I will leave it up to you, dear reader, to figure those out on your own.  Just use your imagination.  I know you have one or you wouldn’t be reading Dragon Laffs right now.  Without an imagination, you would’ve given up on trying to figure us out a LONG time ago.

A good imagination is a sign of a good and bright mind.  It’s been proven.  But… just because I have a good imagination, just because I am THE Impish Dragon doesn’t mean that I’m stupid.  So, figure out the one-liners on your own and I won’t have to sleep on the couch tonight.

 
I ran into an old buddy the other day. He was a rising entrepreneur, but now he looked down and out. What gives? He begins wailing his tale.  “I had a restaurant out there on the interstate, you know. Spent a fortune on a new high-rise sign to attract traffic. It did, too. It read `free cocktail with dinner!’ The `cocktail’ was flashing red neon. Was it impressive!”
“Sounds like a good idea. So what went wrong?”
   “Oh, the county took notice, inspection crews come out, I’m harassed all the time by the Planning Department, the churches in the neighborhood have filed complaints.”
“Hey, I thought you ran a stand-up operation out there.”
“I did. Half my flashing red neon burned out!”
“Oh, I see…” I thought a minute. “Which half?”
“Don’t make no difference!” he wailed.

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     A man suffering from impotence went to see a specialist.  The doctor gave him a prescription that he was to take faithfully three times a day, and always with food.
Two days later the man was at a formal banquet and didn’t want any of the other guests to spot and possibly identify his pink and purple capsule medication.  He instructed the waiter to empty the capsule into his soup, thinking he could eat his soup openly with everyone else, take his medication, and preserve his privacy all at the same time.
    However, when the soup was served everyone received a bowl of it but the man,
who began feeling conspicuous and angry.  He confronted the waiter and asked why he hadn’t been served his “special” soup.
    “Well, sir, I poured your medication into your bowl as instructed.  Since then, I have been waiting for the noodles to lie down.”
 

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“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.” (Charles Schultz)

snoopy plane

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Funny, or scary as hell?

Workers at the decommissioned Hanford nuclear complex in Washington say they are looking for a radioactive mouse, following the capture of a radioactive rabbit.

Radioactive mouse droppings have been found in the same area where radioactive rabbit droppings were found this month, officials of Washington Closure Hanford said.

The company is responsible for cleaning up waste sites, demolishing buildings, placing two plutonium production reactors and one nuclear facility in interim safe storage at the decommissioned nuclear production complex on the Columbia River.

Because the mouse and rabbit droppings were found in the same area, WCH officials say they believe the animals ate or drank a common source of radioactive cesium contamination.

While the captured radioactive rabbit did not show any super abilities authorities are being cautious.

Donate322

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hallmarks of felinity 49

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. 
 The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.” 
 
The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”  

 
The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence’.” 
 
The fourth Catholic man then says, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”
 
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well….?” 

 
She proudly replies, “I have a daughter;  slim, tall, 38D breast, 24″ waist, 34″ hips.   When she walks into a room people say…

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“Oh My God!!…..”
 
 

When us older folks are forced, by our country’s “economic situation”, to return to the work place after a significant break, this is what happens…

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Groaner Zack
Q: What do you get when you cross a wolf with a ceramicist?
 
A: A hairy potter.

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bitch slap

body building

Thanks to our own Lynn for sending this one:

Animated Neil Diamond Sings Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah Song

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Last year we posted a video of Adam Sandler singing his Chanukah Song. (Put on your yarmulke, it’s time to celebrate Hanukkah…)  The song has become a standard and has been recorded by many other singers. 

We found an animated version that we think you’ll enjoy watching as we get ready to light the first Chanukah candle on December 1, only ten days from today. 

In this version, Neil Diamond (yes, the same Neil Diamond who sang Hava Nagila in The Jazz Singer and in Keeping Up With the Steins, and Kol Nidre in The Jazz Singer), performs a cover of Sandler’s song, while all of the Jews (and some non-Jews) identified in the song appear as cartoon characters.

Enjoy!

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Don't fuck with me

This cartoon demonstrates why all of us dragons are required, by state and federal mandate, to place this bumper sticker on the back of all of our vehicles.

 

For the guys in the audience:  Lethal Leprechaun’s new job…

I have been on the new job only about a week and I already feel very comfortable operating this new airport scanner.  Move the cursor over the object being scanned to see if any plastic explosives or metal objects are being transported.  In most cases, this is a relatively quick procedure, however, there are times when the scan can take several minutes.  We are looking for a few more good men to take up this function necessary to preserve freedom and the true American way of life.  Semper Spy!

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“Dance with me…  I want to be your partner, can’t you see…”

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This one comes to us from the Postman’s corner by way of our dear friend K².  A good funny joke is worth whatever twists and turns it takes to get there…

An old Italian man is dying.  He calls his grandson to his bedside…  “Guido, I wan’ you lissin-a me.  I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.”

“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns.  How about you leave me your nice Rolex watch instead?” 

“You lissina me, boy.  Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos.   Somma day  you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man… Whatta fuck are you gonna do then?  Pointa to you watch and say, ‘Time’s Up’?”

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OUCH!  Now see!  That’s going to get my ass in trouble!  How do these little things get slipped in here?  …..

LETHAL LEPRECHAUN!

Lipton Ice Tea with Hugh Jackman

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Today’s last word had been sent in amongst a group of jokes and treated just like any other.  I have, what may be, a unique perspective on this since I have two families.  “How can you do that?”  I can hear you asking.  Well, it’s like this, I have a 30 year-old daughter, who has given me a grandson.  A 28 year-old son, who has also given me a grandson. I also have a 9 year-old daughter. So, in essence, I’ve been through all of this before.  Now I can hear you asking, “WHY would you do that?”  The answer to THAT question, my dear friends, is proof positive that I have been blessed by God…

Is there a magic cutoff period when offspring become accountable for their own actions? Is there a wonderful moment when parents can become detached spectators in the lives of their children and shrug, “It’s their life,” and feel nothing?
    When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital corridor waiting for doctors to put a few stitches in my son’s head. I asked, “When do you stop worrying?”
     The nurse said, “When they get out of the accident stage.”  My mother just smiled faintly and said nothing.
     When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little chair in a classroom and heard how one of my children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, and was headed for a career making license plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher said, “Don’t worry. They all pass through this stage. Eventually you can sit back, relax and enjoy them.”  My mother listened and said nothing.
     When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come home, the front door to open. A friend said, “They’re trying to find themselves. Don’t worry in a few years, you can stop worrying. They’ll be adults.”
     By the time I was 50, I was sick and tired of being vulnerable. I was still worrying over my children, but there was a new wrinkle. There was nothing I could do about it.  I continued to anguish over their failures, be tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in their disappointments.
     My friends said that when my kids got married, I could stop worrying and lead my own life. I wanted to believe that, but I was haunted by my mother’s wan smile and her occasional, “You look pale. Are you all right? Call me the minute you get home. Are you depressed about something?”
    Can it be that parents are sentenced to a lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of human frailties and the fears of the unknown? Is concern a curse, or is it a virtue that elevates us to the highest form of life?
     Recently, one of my children became quite irritated, saying to me, “Where have you been? I’ve been calling for 3 days, and no one answered. I was worried.”
     I smiled a wan smile. The torch has been passed!

 

It gets passed to one and picked up again by another….Ah Life!  L’Chaim!

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