Good Morning Campers.
Not much to say this morning…can’t talk very loud anyway, because of the pneumonia. So, it would probably be best if we just let the other authors have their say and give you guys a laugh.
“A new study found that heavy drinkers outlive non-drinkers,
but the ways they die are a lot more embarrassing.” -Jimmy Fallon
The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Abdullah enters a nursing home
An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home. All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Australian home. After a few weeks in the Australian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
”How do you like it here?” asks the grandson.
”We’re so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.”
”Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents”, Abdullah says with a big smile. ”There’s a musician here– he’s 85 years old. He hasn’t played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him ‘Maestro’!
There is a judge in here — he’s 95 years old. He hasn’t been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him ‘Your Honor’!
There’s a dentist here — 90 years old.. He hasn’t fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor?!
And me —
“I haven’t had sex for 35 years and they still call me ‘The Fucking Arab”.
For you history buffs and anyone else who is interested, here is a GREAT site full of wonderful pictures from the Pacific Theater of Operations during WWII. Click here
Captured: The Pacific and Adjacent Theaters in WWII
and you will be taken to a site that opens in a new window …. at least, that’s what the instructions on the outside of the cereal box said. If you just want the link to cut and paste, since some of you seem to have issues with clicking on links: http://blogs.denverpost.com/captured/2010/03/18/captured-blog-the-pacific-and-adjacent-theaters/?source=ARK_plog
A short and simple story from Molly:
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.
But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn’t work that way. So, I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.
I was walking down the road and saw my Arab neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, “What’s wrong, Abdul? Won’t it start?”
Guns don’t kill people…..Husbands who come home early kill people.
Ed has a problem. He continually gains weight, is very sick and very fat. He is always eating turkey right from the refrigerator. It keeps making him sicker and fatter but he can’t stop. His friends and family worry about him but he keeps on with his addiction. Finally, after years of sickness, he stops, loses a lot of weight and looks great. His friends ask him how he did it. His reply… “I quit cold turkey.”
“What is that sound?” a woman visiting our nature center asked.
“It’s the frogs trilling for a mate,” Patti, the naturalist, explained. “We have a pair in the science room. But they’ve been together for so long, they no longer sing to each other.”
The woman nodded sympathetically. “The trill is gone.”
No kidding! A bloody fortune!
The following are new Error Messages planned for Windows Vista:
1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Working as a computer instructor for an adult education program at a community college, I am keenly aware of the gap in the computer knowledge between my younger and older students. This was confirmed the day a new student walked into our library area and glanced at the encyclopedia volumes stacked on a bookshelf.
“What are all these books?” he asked.
Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were encyclopedia.
His response told it all. “Really?” he said, “Someone printed out the whole thing?”
New Teacher
Having served his time with the Marine Corps, a man became a school
teacher and before school started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t even noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.
When a strong breeze made is tie flap, he took a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
He had no trouble with discipline that year…
FOR A GOOD LAUGH……This is for the over 50 generation:
I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.
I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it’s red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, “Re-calc-ul-ating”. You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven’t figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden “Paper or Plastic?” every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, “Paper or Plastic?” I just say, “Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.” Then it’s their turn to stare at me with a blank look.
I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot.”
PS:
I know some of you reading this are not over 50; I’m just giving you something to look forward to as you ripen.
Dragon Laffs 