Dragon Laffs #1945


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Good Morning Campers,

I have to apologize to you all for missing Saturday’s issue … um … episode … um … WHATEVER!  We’re not going to start that crap again.  Anyway, nothing big, I had something important come up out of the blue with family that I had to take care of and … well … without going into details that are not mine to share, it needed to be taken care of.

Anyway, I gather my last issue with the questions for Aussie Pete got somebody’s attention.  I got this comment from Jeannie/Gracie.

Jeannie (aka Gracie)

A most excellent post Impish!! Absolutely excellent!
But.. stop picking on my Pete! Hehehe!!
He’s so funny, isn’t he?!

I wasn’t picking on him … I was wondering what the hell was going on down under.  He is our far south representative, after all.  They got a lot of strange shit down there.

Let's laugh

1907

1908

A wise man speaks because he has something to say.

A fool speaks because he has to say something.

1909

1910

“Look, I don’t like you.  You don’t like me.  But we gotta make this work, for the kids.” ~ Me to my swimsuit before taking the kids to the pool.

1911

1912

Do we still call Girl Scout Cookies, Girl Scout Cookies? Or are they called Gender Neutral Fatass Snacks now?

1913

1914

Somehow I think this would actually work.

After all these years my wife still thinks I’m sexy …

Every time I walk by she says, “What an ass”

1915

1916

The side of the road is not your dumpster.  Whether it be a highway, county road, non-maintained road, etc.  Stop being disrespectful.

1917

1918

Dragon pics

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“Come on, Buddy.  We’ve got Shit to take care of!”

1919

1920

The Bozo criminal for today comes from San Francisco, California. Bozo Bobby Wells went into the downtown branch of the Bank of America with the intention of robbing it. He grabbed a deposit slip and wrote, “This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.” Then while waiting in line, he got scared and thought someone might have seen him write the note. So, he leaves and goes down the street to the Wells Fargo bank. After waiting in line there, he handed the teller the note. Seeing the spelling mistakes on the note, the teller realized she had a bozo on her hands. She told him she could not accept the note because it was on a Bank of America slip and he would either have to write a note on Wells Fargo paper or go back to the Bank of America. The bozo reluctantly said OK and left the bank. He was arrested minutes later, back in line at the Bank of America.

 

1921

 

1922

 

Really old joke:

Wife:  Could you please go and  buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.

Short time later the husband walks in with 6 cartons of milk.

Wife:  Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?

Husband:  They had eggs.

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Has anybody else considered that the media has us so wrapped up in this stupid murder case to take our minds off how the democrats are fucking our country over?  And I don’t mean that it is a stupid murder case, but aren’t there like hundreds or thousands of murder cases every week?  Why are we so wrapped up in this one?  Because the media is telling us to be.  Look over here, so you you’re not looking over here.  We, as an American public, are so fucking stupid.

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Fantasy

20

“PSST, Sweetheart, wanna buy an apple?”

1923

1924

We live in times where smart people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.

1925

1926

Republicans and Democrats are nothing more than a pair of unfit parents in a custody battle over America.

They’re not hurting each other near as much as they’re hurting this country.

1927

1928

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1929

1930

Motivational

Here Mom

Here's the deal

Heroes

heroism

herpes

hey dude

Hey Lady

Hey Man

hey obama

High Beams

1931

1932

463

The founder of Dubai, Sheikh Rashid, was asked about the future of his country, and he replied, “My grandfather rode a camel, my father rode a camel, I ride a Mercedes, my son rides a Land Rover, and my grandson is going to ride a Land Rover…but my great-grandson is going to have to ride a camel again.”

Why is that, he was asked? And his reply was, “Hard times create strong men, strong men create easy times. Easy times create weak men, weak men create difficult times.  Many will not understand it, but you have to raise warriors, not parasites.”

And add to that the historical reality that all great empires…the Persians, the Trojans, the Egyptians, the Greeks, the Romans, and in later years, the British…all rose and all but perished within 240 years. They were not conquered by external enemies; they rotted from within.

America has now passed that 240 year mark, and the rot is starting to be visible and is accelerating. We are past the Mercedes and Land Rover Years….the camels are on the horizon.

1933

1934

Jeanne Louise Calment had the longest confirmed human Lifespan on record: 122 years and 164 days.

It seems that fate strongly approved of the way Madam Calment lived her life.

Jeanne was born in Arles, France, on 21st February 1875.

When the Eiffel Tower was built, she was 14 year old.

It was at this time that she met Vincent van Gogh.

“He was dirty, badly dressed and disagreeable,” she recalled in an interview given in 1988.

When she was 85, she took up fencing, and she was still riding on her bike when she reached 100.

When Jeanne was 114, she starred in a film about her life; at 115 she had an operation on her hip, and at 117 she gave up smoking (having started at the age of 21 in 1896).

Apparently, she didn’t give it up for health reasons, but because she didn’t like having to ask someone to help her light a cigarette once she was becoming almost blind.

In 1965, Jeanne was 90 years old and had no heirs.

She signed a deal to sell her apartment to a 47-year-old lawyer called André-François Raffray.

He agreed to pay her a monthly sum of 2,500 francs on the condition that he would inherit her apartment after she died.

However, Raffray not only ended up paying Jeanne for 30 years, but died before she did at the age of 77.

His widow was legally obliged to continue paying Madam Calment until the end of her days.

Jeanne retained sharp mental faculties.

When she was asked on her 120th birthday what kind of future she expected to have, she replied: “A very short one.”

Quotes and rules of life from Jeanne Calment:

“Being young is a state of mind, it doesn’t depend on one’s body, I’m actually still a young girl; it’s just that I haven’t looked so good for the past 70 years.”

“I’ve only got one wrinkle, and I’m sitting on it.”

“All babies are beautiful.”

“I’ve been forgotten by our good lord..”

“I’m in love with wine.”

“Always keep your smile That’s how I explain my long life.”

“If you can’t change something, don’t worry about it.”

“I have a huge desire to live and a big appetite, especially for sweets.”

“I never wear mascara; I laugh until I cry too often.”

“I see badly, I hear badly, and I feel bad, but everything’s fine.”

“I think I will die of laughter.”

“I have legs of iron, but to tell you the truth, they’re starting to rust and buckle a bit.”

“I took pleasure when I could. I acted clearly and morally and without regret. I’m very lucky.”

(At the end of one interview, in response to a journalist who said he hoped they would meet again the following year):

“Why not? You’re not that old; you’ll still be here.”

1935

1936

And here is one to take to heart, my fellow campers:

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1937

1938

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1939

1940

Lucky for me I d0n’t have enough friends for an intervention.

1941

1942

It’s life. 

You don’t figure it out.

You just climb up on the beast and ride.

1943

1944

Sometimes I question my Sanity.

Occasionally, it replies.

1945

1946

People will provoke you until they bring out your ugly side, then play victim when you go there.

1947

1948

If practice makes perfect, how come waking up in the morning never gets any easier?

1949

1950

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in
despair, he has his first meeting with the devil…

Satan: ‘Why so glum?’

Guy: ‘What do you think? I’m in hell!’

Satan: ‘Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a drinking man?’

Guy: ‘Sure, I love to drink.’

Satan: ‘Well, you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink ’til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don’t have to worry about getting a hangover, because you’re dead anyway.’

Guy: ‘Gee that sound s great!’

Satan: ‘You a smoker?’

Guy: ‘You better believe it’

Satan: ‘All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest
cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get
cancer – no biggie, you’re already dead, remember?’

Guy: ‘Wow…that’ s awesome!’

Satan: ‘I bet you like to gamble.’

Guy: ‘Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.’

Satan: ‘Good, ’cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn’t matter, you’re dead anyhow.’

Guy: ‘Cool!’

Satan: ‘What about drugs?’

Guy: ‘Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don’t mean…?’

Satan: ‘That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great
big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.
You can do all the drugs you want. You’re dead so who cares.’

Guy: ‘Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!’

Satan: ‘You gay?’

Guy: ‘No…’

Satan: ‘Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough.

1951

1952

And that’s it my friends.  Until next time.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

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3 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1945

  1. Stephanie says:

    Just a thought, and I’m in no way saying this is what is going on, but……
    What if a lab in China “accidently” released a virus. One that could be treated by tweaking an antiviral that has been successful in treating ebola. A study could be done to discover which countries would be able to mass produce said vaccine. Easy to find out where there isn’t access to treatment and those places could be easily overtaken by the treated conquers. Then look at those with access and determine how many of different populaces would refuse treatment and how many would accept treatment. Easy to determine when hospitals would be most overloaded with those “accidently” infected. Best time to strike out is when normal resources are stretched too thin, people too weak to fight. You can’t defend yourself if you have no resources. Along with this being used as a study for biowarfare,( why not study it that way from a military perspective) we have given our enemies weaponry to attack us with.
    Just a thought

  2. Pete says:

    Jeannie, He was picking on the other Pete, not me. Thanks for sticking up for me though…..LOL

  3. AUSSIE PETE says:

    Thanks to my new girl-friend Jeannie (aka Gracie) for sticking up for me, you are a sweetie ! Aussie Pete. xxx

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