Dragon Laffs #1811


Header1772

Saturday3

Good Morning Campers,

So, I just brought Mrs. Dragon back from her follow up appointment after her eye surgery.  Boy, that was fun.  She had some vertigo, mostly, the doctor said, because her one eye was still VERY dilated from the surgery.  She had to hold on to me very tightly as she walked, which, I didn’t mind too much, but I couldn’t help picking on her just a little.  As we were standing, waiting our turn for the receptionist, I started rocking back and forth just a tiny bit, which made her vertigo worse.  And she said, loud enough for the receptionist to hear, “Are you rocking?” and of course I said, “Of course not, honey.  I would never do that to you.”  In the sweetest voice I could muster, which, if I must admit, was quite sweet.  But, didn’t fool Mrs. Dragon for even one second.  And Mrs. Dragon hauled off and punched me dead in the chest. 

And then I had to catch her as she started to fall.

And then I laughed so hard I almost dropped her.

And then the receptionist said, “He was rocking you, I saw the whole thing.”

I called her a traitor as I walked Mrs. Dragon over to sit her down in the waiting room.  Mrs. Dragon then turned to me in front of everyone else in the waiting room and said, “Maybe twenty-five years is long enough.”

Not to be out-done, I replied, “You couldn’t live without me.” 

But she’s too quick for me, because she replied, “You’ve got good life insurance.  You forget about all the murdery shows I watch?”

The whole place cracked up.  Score: Mrs. Dragon 3, Impish Dragon 2. 

God, I love that woman!

Now, let’s get on with the rest of the laugher.

coollogo_com-16927796

2911

2912

We can always rely on our dear, dear friend Stephanie for…

STRANGE & COMPLETELY USELESS INFORMATION

checmarkA crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.  That’s probably learned behavior
checmarkA snail can sleep for three years.  Along with most teenagers
checmarkBabies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
checmarkButterflies taste with their feet. 
checmarkCats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.  Leading people to believe for many years that cats were female and dogs were male.
checmarkFebruary 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
checmarkIf the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
checmarkIn the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
checmarkLeonardo DiVinci invented the scissors.  And his mother immediately told him to stop running with them.
checmarkNo word in the English language rhymes with month.  Pissing off poets everywhere.  

I’m going to have to break these up and put some cartoons in-between …

2913

2914

–Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.  Just look at your grandparents …
–Shakespeare invented the word ‘assassination’ and ‘bump’.
–“Stewardesses’ is the longest word typed with only the left hand, “lollipop” with your right.
–The cruise liner, QE2 moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.  I used to own a car like that
–The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.  Um.. North America and South America spring to mind …
–The words ‘racecar’ and kayak’ are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.  Amongst many other words … boy, she was right … totally useless information
–TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.  I repeat my earlier statement
–Women blink nearly twice as much as men.  It’s the makeup dripping down into their eyes.
–If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at a red light.,  I think that number changes depending on the city you live in.  I’ve been in cities where I swear I’ve done that in a year.
–In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch face, is 10:’0.  That’s an odd time.

2916

2915

**The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
**Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks, otherwise it will digest itself.
**There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: “abstemious” and “facetious.”
**There is a word in the English language with only one vowel, which occurs five times, “indivisibility.”  Taking strange and completely useless to all new levels
**The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says there were three gifts.
**Did you know that crocodiles never outgrow the pool in which they live? That means that if you put a baby croc in an aquarium, it would be little for the rest of its life.  Challenge accepted!!!
**A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle; a group of geese in the air is a skein.  I thought a skein was a ball of yarn
**A ‘jiffy’ is an actualy unit of time for 1/100th of a second.  So, when someone says that they will be back in a Jiffy or that they’ll have it for you in a Jiffy – totally bogus.  But … but … what about the peanut butter?
**Pinocchio is Italian for “pine eye”.  Okay, now that’s just wrong!
**The sentence “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses every letter of the alphabet.  As anybody who’s ever had Typing in school knows

2917

2918

Well played, indeed!

<>The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is “uncopyrightable”.  And why is my spellcheck telling me that isn’t a real word?
><Barbie’s full name is Barbara Milicent Roberts.  Who cares?
<>It’s impossible to lick your elbow.  And yet millions try, every year.
><More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.  THAT is the most amazing fact on this entire list.
<>Rats and horses can’t vomit.  Challenge accepted!!!
><The “sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick” is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language……….try it!  No!
<>Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.  Did you REALLY just ruin headphones for me!!!!!
><In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.  I did not know that.
<>The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.  That is really quite surprising.
><Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.  That is not surprising at all.  And, I would go further and wager the number is actually quite a bit higher.
<>Most lipstick contains fish scales.  There’s a very good reason for this… something about stickiness or shininess or something I’m sure.
><Cat’s urine glows under a black light.  It makes murdering people that much harder for them.
<>Like fingerprints, everyone’s tongue print is different.  Who was paid to do a study to figure this out?

2919

2920

A tourist in Canada celebrated the 4th of July by getting stone drunk.

He became obnoxious and disorderly, and was hauled into court for disturbing the peace.

“How do you plead?” the Judge asked.

“Not guilty!” replied the accused.

“How can you plead ‘not guilty’.  You’re drunker than a skunk.” the judge said.

“Well, you see, it’s like this, your honor.  I was only following orders.  When I got into town, there was this big sign that said, DRINK CANADA DRY.  And that’s what I tried to do.”

401

2921

Greg and his two friends are talking at the bar one day.  His friend John says, “Guys, I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.  I came home from work the other day and found wire cutters under the bed and they weren’t mine.”

His friend Sean said, “Well, I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber.  I came home the other day and found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

Greg said, “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”

Both of his friends just stared at him.

“I’m serious!” he said.  “The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed!”

2922

2923

There is a folk belief that if you bury a statue of St. Joseph on a piece of property, it will be sold more quickly.

I took the St. Joseph from my Nativity scene and buried it near my front door.  A few days later a woman made me an offer on the house.  Since she had to sell her home too, I suggested she enlist the help of the saint as well.

After a month of burying the statue all over her lawn, she had no nibbles and, in disgust, put the statue out with the trash.

A week later she opened her local paper and read: “Town Sells Landfill to Private Developer.”

2924

2925

A big, burly man visited the pastor’s home and asked to see the minister’s wife, who was well known for her charitable impulses.

As he addressed her he said in a broken voice, “I’d like to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district.  The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving.  They are about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone pays their $400 rent payment.”

“How terrible!” exclaimed the preacher’s wife. “May I ask who you are?”

The sympathetic visitor wiped his eyes with his handkerchief and sobbed.  “I’m the landlord.”

2926

2927

That’s my club!

Thought for the day:

Does the career advice, “Come early on your first day” apply in the porn business?

2928

2929

401

2930

2931

These were entries to a Washington Post Competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line, but the least romantic second line

Love may be beautiful,
love may be bliss
But I only slept with you,
because I was pissed.
*************************
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
**************************
Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting,
the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl’s empty
and so is your head.
**************************
Of loving beauty you float with grace,
If only you could hide your face.
****************************
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot,
This describes everything you are not.
******************************
I want to feel your sweet embrace,
But don’t take that paper bag off of your face.
*******************************
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!
************************************
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife
Marrying you screwed up my life.
************************************
I see your face when I am dreaming,
That’s why I always wake up screaming.
*************************************
My love, you take my breath away —
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
*************************************
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe “Go To Hell.”
*************************************
What inspired this amorous rhyme? —
Two parts vodka, one part lime!

And I’ll bet you can guess who sent this to me,
Well of course, it was our own dear Stephanie.

2932

2933

“May I have some stationery?” a man asked the hotel clerk.

“Are you a guest of the hotel?” asked the clerk.

“No, I’m paying sixty dollars a day,” said the man.

2934

2935

402

2936

Hey, we may be on to something here!

2937

403

2938

2939

Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on, indicating to the flight attendants that breakfast could be served.

One of the passengers, upset because he was awakened, growled, “Who turned on the fucking lights!?”

“Oh, no, sir,” the flight attendant replied.  “Those are the breakfast lights.  You slept through the ‘fucking lights’.”

2940

2941

Got a reply from Sasquatch …

Sasquatch

Why should Bigfoot complain about that? Being from the Pacific Northwest he has Portland and Seattle out there. Absolutely beautiful country but with those folk the last thing he has to worry about is being mistaken for a handsome fella like me

I don’t know why Bigfoot would complain?  I don’t have an answer.

404

2942

Can’t blame sharks in these shark attacks.  Imagine a bucket of fried chicken came skateboarding through your living room … What would you do?

2943

2944

Even COVID picked Trump over Biden.

405

406

Brother, this is not going to work out as you expect…

Okay, this next one is absolutely fucking incredible…

While you don’t know for sure if President Donald Trump is behind it, somehow you just know he is.

A peculiar thing happened Sunday night outside the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center, hot pizzas kept showing up. By the dozens.

clip_image001

https://twitter.com/i/status/1312936699136299008

https://twitter.com/i/status/1312921361850028037

A throng of Trump supporters have been holding a vigil outside the facility since the president was admitted on Friday after testing positive for COVID-19, or as Trump is now calling it, the “plague from China.”

According to one enthusiastic supporter, Domino’s pizzas were being delivered every 45 minutes to the crowd — 250 pies and counting.

The man was convinced that the gift was from President Trump and he offered some really sound logic in support of his theory that’s hard to argue.

“You know it’s from Trump because the sh*t isn’t gluten free. There’s meat on it,” he said. “Trump’s an alpha.”

He also had a personal message for Fake News CNN: “No, we’re not being paid.”

While no one knew for sure who was buying dinner, the general belief was that it had to be Trump.

Whether he did or not didn’t matter because Trump supporters were convinced that the president was reciprocating the love they have been showing for him.

On that note, the president left the presidential suite at Walter Reed earlier in the day in a “surprise” drive by to thank the crowd outside.

Gestures such as this are why so many Americans back Trump as strongly as they do.

An example of this sentiment was seen Sunday.

“I will die for him. I will die for that man — happily,” a supporter said Sunday as the presidential motorcade passed by. “I will die for that man. Anyone want to mess with him, you mess with me first. He is a hero, that man!

And if you hit the links and read through the twitter feeds, the drivers were telling the crowds that it was from POTUS.  The man was feeding his well wishers out of his own pocket.  Maybe it was a stunt, I don’t know.  But, if it was, it was still one hell of a stunt.  What a guy.  And why wasn’t it reported on a single news source.  Not one.  But the stupid stunt that Pelosi is pulling with the 25th amendment is all over the fucking news…

Assholes.

407

408

No shit!  You ain’t seen nuthin’ yet!

coollogo_com-73072376

Tentacles

Tequila Shots

testing the water

Testosterone

Tetris

Texas

Text Messaging

Texting

Thank the Military

Thanks Jihad TV

Thanks Obama

409

410

A wealthy Arab sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. He willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman, in appreciation for his giving his blood, a new BMW, a 5-carat diamonds and $50,000 dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before. He phoned the Arab and asked him: “I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money … but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates.”

To this the Arab replied: “Aye laddie, but I have Scottish blood in ma veins now”.

411

412

When life shuts a door …

Open it again.  It’s a door.  That’s how they work.

413

414

Thanks to Vincent for sending this one… my response … only in Hoboken!!

I haven’t lost my mind.  Half of it wandered off, and the other half went looking for it.

2945

2946

I was recently asked who my favorite vampire was.  I said, “the Muppet from Sesame Street.”
They told me, “he doesn’t count.”
I replied, “I assure you, he does.”

2947

2948

Ask Marilyn

By Marilyn vos Savant

Some people don’t like electoral votes (versus popular votes) deciding our presidential elections. Can you make an argument in favor of electoral votes?

—Jacob Stein, Larchmont, N.Y.

We are the United States of America, and our states—starting with the original 13 colonies—are separate entities. It is understandably unacceptable to states with smaller populations to have their affairs decided by other states simply because more people live there. Suppose there were a United Countries of Earth. Would we like the idea of China (population 1.439 billion) and India (1.380 billion) running the show? (The U.S. has 331 million people.) Or would we want a leveling factor? Visit Parade. com/college to see how electoral votes are distributed.

A very excellent argument and explanation!

2949

2950

And that will do it for this issue.  Tune in … well … next time for the continued adventures of …

coollogo_com-164864179

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1811

  1. paul says:

    what is the opposite of progress ?? – congress

  2. Dave says:

    Stephanie missed a real important one. . .A group of baboons is called a “Congress”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s