Dragon Laffs #1678


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Good Morning Campers,

Superbowl weekend is here!  And it’s been a long, long week.  I mean a LONG week.  That’s why this first cartoon is so appropriate…

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And with that….I think we ought to get started with this week’s issue, don’t you?

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Friend 1: I go to yoga five days a week.

Friend 2: I plan vegan meals one week in advance.

Me: I eat cake over the sink so I don’t get crumbs in my bed.

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Maybe money doesn’t buy happiness, but I’m accepting donations to test that theory.

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Is it rude to start asking my mother in law for daily childcare fees?  Her child is a hand full and I don’t work for free.

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You know you’re getting old when you can’t walk past a bathroom without thinking, “I might as well pee while I’m here.”

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My brain said “crunches” but my stomach auto-corrected it to “cupcakes”

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I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.

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500 shopping carts in the grocery store and I keep picking the one with the weird front wheel that sounds like a dying pig.

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When my wife is mad at me, I tighten all the jar lids so she has to talk to me.

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Did you hear that Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?
Apparently, the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

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I really, really gotta try that one.  That ought to really fuck with the crazy guy across the street.

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I really need to get into shape.  Today I realized that if I got murdered, my chalk outline would be a circle.

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Interesting Facts About Me:

I was born on my birthday

I’m human

and I don’t tell everyone this, but…
I’m naked under these clothes.

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It’s taking longer and longer to reach the acceptance stage.

Stephanie says to blame this next one on her sister.

I want to do archery in Mexico, but I didn’t habanero.

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Not everybody had to like me.
I can’t force you to have good taste.

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Full disclosure….most every guy out there is looking at that picture and saying to themselves, “well, that is exactly what she asked for, if she wanted something else, she should have asked for something else.”

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And what’s wrong with that?

And here’s another one that is timely and must be used now…

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My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.

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I married my wife for her looks
but not the ones she’s giving me lately.

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I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself.  In a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it.  I think I managed to cover my tracks.

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A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
Schwepped her off her feet.

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No shit.  If you’re not bright enough to say, how the fuck did that happen, then you really aren’t paying any attention.

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Weight loss goals:
To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

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Immediately stop feeding your kids Rice Krispies.
It is not absorbed in your body in a healthy manner.
It is stored in your body, and the effects become visible when you are older.  I used to eat Rice Krispies, and now that I am older I can testify to the effects of this.  Every morning when I wake up and get out of bed, everything in my body snaps, crackles, and pops.  Pass this message on to everyone, to stop this from happening in their old age.

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Owning dogs is perfect for people who never want to eat a whole sandwich by themselves again.

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Last night my wife wore a police uniform to bed and said, “You’re being charged with being good in bed.” 90 seconds later the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

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And now, one of my favorite parts…

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Bad Karma

Bad Parenting

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Bag o dice

bailouts

Bake Sales

balanced diet

ball pit

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Bangkok

Bard

Barrel Roll

Bartending

God Bless Bartenders everywhere.
The unsung heroes of alcohol.

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PRO TIP: NAPPING

If you want to nap while the kids are home, just say “Wake me up in 30 minutes so we can clean the house.”
They will then do literally anything to avoid waking you.

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If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed.

If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed.

If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it.

If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!

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And that ought to be about it for this week my dear friends.

I hope you all have a wonderful week, until we meet again.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon!

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