Dragon Laffs #1673


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Good Morning Campers,

It’s been a while since I’ve done anything for breast cancer awareness, not to say that I’ve forgotten that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, but just that my life is crazy lately.

Oh me.

But, I found the above picture and thought it was a good opportunity to remind you all, that if you have a loved one with breasts, you should give them a squeeze…well…be careful with that.  Make sure it’s an appropriate loved one.  For the rest of them, encourage them to have someone else appropriate check them out or to self check.  It’s important and can be life saving.

God, I wish I had more time for this….

But for now…

Let’s Laff

189

I tried to log into my iPad.  Turns out it was an Etch-A-Sketch and I don’t own an iPad.
Also, I’m out of whiskey.

190

One spelling mistake can destroy your life.  A husband sent this to his wife: “I’m having a wonderful time, wish you were her.”

191

Women who don’t wear underwear never get their panties in a bunch.

192

Food for thought: Wouldn’t it be ironic if Popeye’s Chicken was fried in Olive Oil?

193

I hate when people accuse me of lolly gagging when I’m quite clearly dilly dallying.

194

They told me I’d never be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic, but so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase!

195

I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.

196

I went for a run but come back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 2 minutes.

197

I hate it when TV shows say they contain “Adult Situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up after their kids.

198

I wonder what my kids are going to tell their kids… “It was so rough back in my day, I didn’t get a phone ‘til the 4th grade and sometimes the wi-fi didn’t always work upstairs.”

199

I just want to have enough money that I don’t slow down to look at furniture left on the curb.

200

9a

Doug married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
“OK,” the judge said, “Tell the court why you want a divorce.”
“Well, your honor,” Doug started, “Every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I’d end up making love to her by mistake.”
“Surely there must be some difference between the two women.” the judge said.
“You’d better damned well believe there is a difference, your honor. That’s why I want the divorce!”

201

You really gotta think about the last cartoon.  It’s really quite funny when you get it.

A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a downward slope.

He became very depressed because he loved to play golf, so, one day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn’t have any arms at all.

He started thinking, “What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with.”

He thought, “There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.”

He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

The guy asked, “Why are you so happy anyway?”

He said, “I’m NOT happy. My balls itch.”

Heart Warming stories like this just bring a tear to my eyes.

202

Two men were overheard talking about the infidelities of an office Romeo. “I do not know how he gets away with it,” said one fellow. “The only thing I’ve ever done behind my wife’s back is to zip her up.”

203

Surround yourself with people who have issues.  Because people who have issues always have alcohol.

204

Teacher: “I have a green ball in one hand and a green ball in the other hand, so what do I have?”

Student: “Kermit the Frog begging for mercy.”

205

I got banned from Weight Watchers for dropping a bag of M&Ms on the floor.  It was the best game of Hungry Hippos I’ve ever seen!!!

206

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4i

4j

4k

4l

4m

4n

9g

207

I’m pretty sure I’ve done this next one before, but it’s so funny, I just have to do it again:

Her: “Undress me with your words.”

Him: “There’s a spider in your bra.”

208

I’m taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.

209

The 4 Levels of Crazy

LEVEL 1: Talks To Self
LEVEL 2: Argues With Self
LEVEL 3: Interrupts Self While Arguing With Self
LEVEL 4: No Longer Speaks To Self

210

A man gets stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: Do you have a permit for all these fish?

Man: No sir.  These are all my pet fish.

Warden: Your pet fish?  How’s that?

Man: Well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half an hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home.  We do this every night.

Warden: Well, that’s just a crock of lies!!

Man: Here, I’ll show you… (Releases the fish in the lake)

Warden: Well, this I’ve got to see!!

…5 minutes later…

Warden: Well?

Man: Well what?

Warden: The fish!  Where’s your pet fish??

Man: What fish?

211

Heaven has a wall, a gate, and a strict immigration policy.  Hell has open borders.  Let that sink in.

212

Let’s take a trip to the mail bag….

Dear Impish,
My boyfriend told me I have bad breath when I wake up.  He told me that giving a blowjob early in the morning will help me to reduce my bad breath.  Now I give him a blowjob daily in the morning and he tells me I don’t have bad breath after the blowjob.
Is he right?
Signed: Curious

Dear Curious,
I’m not sure, but I think your boyfriend deserves a friggin’ medal!

213

I gotta put up my team pennant for the games this weekend:
3a

I had my patience tested … I’m negative.

214

Why is this of no surprise to me at all?

Never let someone who has done nothing, tell you how to do anything.  This had the picture of a politician around the quote, doesn’t matter which one, but the truth of the statement is overwhelming.

215

A female truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper.
The patrolman told her to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in her mouth as she stepped out of the cab..
Figuring that the driver was putting away her pep pills, the patrolman asked “Did I just see you swallow something?”
“Yep, that was my birth control pill,” said the driver.
“Birth control pill?” asked the patrolman.
“Yep, when I saw your flashing light, I knew I was gonna get fucked.”

216

Supposedly I was created in God’s image.  I don’t know…you’d think God would have a bigger penis than this.

217

“You’ll be fine,” the doctor said after finishing the young woman’s surgery.
“But”, she asked, “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again?”

The surgeon seemed to pause, and his face reddened, as a small tear ran down his cheek.
The girl was alarmed. “What’s the matter doctor?  I will be all right, won’t I?”

He replied, “Yes, you’ll be fine. It’s just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.”

218

The young boy arrived home after having lunch at his father’s office.

He ran into the kitchen and said, “Hey, Mom, guess what? We’re getting a kitty cat.”

The puzzled woman said, “Where did you hear that?”

“From Dad.”

“Your father hates animals. I can’t believe he’d buy you one.”

The boy shrugged. “I heard him plain as day. He told another guy in the office that as soon as I left, he was going out to get a little pussy

219

Husband: “When I die I’d like to die having sex.”

Wife: “At least we know it’ll be quick!”

220

A woman joins a country club and one day hears the guys talking about their golf round.

She says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?”

No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot.

Finally, one man says, “Okay, but we start at 6:30 am.”

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, “Okay.”

She’s there at 6:30 am sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.

She’s fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.

They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.

She smiles, and says, “I’ll be there at 6:30, or 6:45.”

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.

Only this time, she plays left-handed.

The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.

They’re totally amazed. They can’t figure her out. She’s very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she’s 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.

However, she’s so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can’t hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.

After the game they decide to have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse.

Finally, one of the men asks her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?” The lady blushes, and grins. “Well I’m ambidextrous,” she replies. “I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willy points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed.”  The guys think this is hysterical and burst into laughter. 

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the them asks, “What if it’s pointing straight up?”

“Then I’m fifteen minutes late.”

221

Groaner warning

A tomato family is walking down the road, baby tomato falls behind, so daddy tomato goes back smacks him on the head and says, “Ketchup!”

222

 

8:00 AM: Too Tired To Think

Noon: Too Tired To Think

5:00 PM: Too Tired To Think

Midnight: How Do Dragons Blow Out Candles??

Yup, that’s one of the maladies that I suffer from all the time.

223

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner…

So, I took the battery out of the smoke alarm!

224

If she eats her French Fries with a fork, she’s probably not going to do that thing you like.

225

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a guy walks into a bar

A Jump  B Shoot

A modest Proposal

A network cable

A rack

A trip to the Vet

A_Nations_Gratitude

Amen, brother’s mine!

A-10s

AA

AARP Rule

abandonment

Abby Normal

Acceptance

9i

Caught having sex by our daughter.  We calmly told her we were making her a baby brother.  She said, “Do it doggy style.  I want a puppy.”

226

A Short Gun Story

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his un-holstered pistol and yelled, “I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife.”

A voice from the back of the room called out, “You need more ammo!”

227

Did you know on the Canary Islands there is not one canary?  And on the Virgin Isles?  Same thing – not one canary there, either!

228

We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today.  We removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change.

229

Bar and Bra

Same letters different words, but both keep men waiting eagerly till they open!

230

Damn!  I need to talk to my pharmacy and see if they offer this service!

Going into a teenagers room is like taking a trip to IKEA…..

You pop in just to look around and end up leaving with 6 cups, 2 plates, 3 bowls, a tea towel, and some cutlery

231

And that’s it for this week my dear friends.  I hope you enjoyed.

Love you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

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1 Response to Dragon Laffs #1673

  1. Leah D says:

    It felt like hunting for Easter Eggs this morning, as I moved through my mailbox, clicking to delete . . . then . . . Dragon Laffs! Lottery winners must feel this excited. Thanks for making my day.

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