Dragon Laffs #1672


Header1672

Good Morning Campers,

I want to start today with something that I found deep in some old emails….I have many, many emails to get through.  When I first got this beautiful new computer, I had over 2000 emails that were unread, like I said, I’ve been fighting with computers for a long time and when you only have a limited amount of time that you can spend on the computer and 95% of it is spent just trying to get the damn thing to work,well, you understand.

Anyway, I’m down to only having 750 unread emails and I came across this one that Ginny sent me on February 28th of this year.  And I gotta tell you, I’m really starting to feel this one myself.

A WINTER FRIEND
AND THEN IT IS WINTER
You know time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years.  It seems like yesterday that I was young, just married, and embarking on my new life with my mate. Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all those years went.
I know that I lived them all.  I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams. But, here it is… the winter of my life, and it catches me by surprise… How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go? I remember well seeing older people through the years and thinking that those “older people” were years away from me and that winter was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like.
But, here it is…my friends are retired and getting grey… they move slower and I see an older person in myself now.   Some are in better and some worse shape than me… but, I see the great change… Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant…but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we’d be.
Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day!  And taking a nap is not a treat anymore… it’s mandatory!  Cause if I don’t on my own free will… I just fall asleep where I sit!
And so… now I enter this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!!   But, at least I know, that though the winter has come, and I’m not sure how long it will last… this I know, that when it’s over on this earth… it’s over.   A new adventure will begin!
Yes, I have regrets.  There are things I wish I hadn’t done… things I should have done, but indeed, there are also many things I’m happy to have done.   It’s all in a lifetime.
So, if you’re not in your winter yet… let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think.  So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life, please do it quickly!  Don’t put things off too long!!  Life goes by quickly.  So, do what you can TODAY, as you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not!
You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life… so, LIVE FOR TODAY and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember.. and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!!

“Life” is a GIFT to you.  The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after.   Make it a fantastic one.


Remember:
“It is Health that is real Wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.”

 I swear it was just yesterday that I was 35 years old and young and strong and doing whatever I wanted all over the world and it was just the day before that that I was 16 and just discovering what the world was all about.

Where the hell did the time go?

So, the key, my dear campers, is to enjoy every second of every day that we have available.  As so many of our dear friends and family have proven over this last year, we never know when it will be our turn to start the next chapter in this great adventure, so let us get as much joy and love out of this one as we can.

So, then are we ready?

Then…

blank dragon14

150

If your wife or girlfriend ever asks, “If I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?”

Never give two names.

151

My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.

152

That could quite easily be Mrs. Dragon’s response.

9b

153

Whenever someone says to me, “You look familiar.  Where have I seen you before?”

I live to respond with, “Do you watch porn?”

154

My sex life is like a Ferrari…

I don’t have a Ferrari.

155

 Athenians hate mornings because Dawn is tough on Greece.

156

 My friend asked me recently what the most difficult part of being a parent is…

“Without a doubt it’s the kids.” I replied.

157

 Maybe my mom was right all those years ago.
Maybe I won’t be happy until someone loses an eye.
Maybe that’s what’s been missing.

158

 I looked into my genealogy and discovered that noses run in my familybutterfly 2

 Don’t Let Aging Get You Down.  It’s Too Damn Hard To Get Back Up!

159

 Old age is golden, or so I’ve heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I crawl into bed,
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
My glasses on the table until I get up.

As sleep dims my vision, I say to myself:
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?

The reason I know my youth is all spent,
Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!
But, in spite of it all, I’m able to grin,
And think of the places my get-up has been!

160

 coollogo_com-39651247

 I really like this feature because there is so much to gripe about and poke fun at on both sides of the fence.

4a

4b

It had been a long, long day, and John the truck driver really wanted to just get home.  Living in Washington D.C. he knew traffic would be bad this time of evening, but to his horror, a traffic jam reared ahead of him larger than anything he had ever seen before.

Bewildered, since he hadn’t heard anything yet on the news, he stuck his head out and just kept seeing cars slowing down, stopping for a few moments, and then driving off.

Suddenly, a man knocks on his window.  John rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”

The man says, “Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress!”

“Oh my gosh!” exclaimed John.

“And they’re asking for a $100 million ransom.”

“Jeez Louise!” moaned John

“Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire!”

“Lord have mercy! cried John.

“We are going from car to car, collecting donations.”

“How much is everyone giving, on average?” asked John.

“About a gallon, maybe two.  Depending on what you can afford.”

 

4c

4d

4e

4f

4g

4h

6a

 Hey, I never said it would ALL be funny.  Some of it is actually designed to piss you off. 

9c

161

Submission for a new law: You should be required to read a book for every ten (10) selfies you take.

162

Okay, that’s a really good question … and also scary as hell!!!

2b

 

If a guy only wants you for your legs, breasts, and thighs…
Send his ass to Kentucky Fried Chicken!

 

163

Coffee spelled backwards is eeffoc.

Just know that I don’t give eeffoc until I’ve had my coffee.

164

Dear “kids” this one’s for you:

*Alarm goes off*
*Gets up*
*Eats*
*Sits in traffic*
*Gets to work late*
*Sits down*
[5 minutes later]
*Looks at watch*
”Cool, only 40 more years to go.”

As of this moment in time right ….NOW! (MARK!)  I have 5 years, 8 months, 19 days, 12 hours, 19 minutes, and 48 seconds to go!

But who’s counting

165


If you get a friend request from a guy named Jeremiah, it’s ok to accept … he’s a bullfrog, and a good friend of mine.

You can tell how old you are by whether you got that last joke or not.

166

Aaaaaannnnnndddddd……………. if you got that one……… you’re just a little older.

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”

The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”

Murphy replied, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all”

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell?”

Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”

167

I’m starting meetings at my house for people who have OCD.  I don’t have it, I’m just hoping they’ll take one look and start cleaning.

168

I have a feeling my CHECK LIVER light may come on this weekend.

169

I dusted once.

It came back.

I’m not falling for that again.

170


I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I was like Na, people won’t understand.

171

I know, right!  I was really disappointed.

9d

172

If I got paid by the amount of stupid people I deal with at work instead of by the hour, I could retire next week.

173

Thought I’d share this erudite physician with a few of my friends who may have the same question in mind…!

Will I Live to see 90 ?

  From a 70 year old friend

(Here’s something to think about.)

I recently had to choose a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am seventy).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking her, ‘Do you think I’ll live to be 90?’

She asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?’

‘Oh no,’ I replied. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’

Then she asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?’

‘I said, ‘Not much… My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!’

‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?’

‘No, I don’t,’ I said.

She asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?’

‘No,’ I said………

She looked at me and said,

‘Then, why do you even give a shit ?’

174

Men say women should come with instructions… What’s the point of that?  Have you ever actually seen a man read the instructions?

175

Motivational

44 Special

45 ACP

50 Cent

120DB Bass Music

1937 Monster Tank Rally

1970s

1987

2002

155422 (2)

155433 (2)

155477 (2)

155488 (2)

155499 (2)

9e

Apparently, you have to eat healthy more than once to get in shape.

This is cruel and unfair.

176

I don’t always roll a joint, but when I do it’s my ankle.

177

Just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my car. 

Using my phone as a flashlight.

178

When marijuana is legalized all taxes on it should go to road repair and call the program “Operation Pot Holes.”

179

Apart from being exhausted, financially unstable, nearing a mental breakdown, and being fat, everything is great.  Thanks.

180

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming “I recommend the squirrel”.

181

9f

Morning Checklist:

Clothed? – Ahh…sufficiently.
Keys? – Yup, just found them.
Coffee cup? – Full!
Sanity? – Sanity? Sanity? And we have a runner!

182

*Child spits out food*

Mom: “Hey! We don’t spit.  If it’s in your mouth, you swallow.”

*Dad raises eyebrows*

Mom: “Shut the fuck up, you.”

183

Not sure why the FBI is mostly guys because a woman’s ability to find shit out is unmatched.

184

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
”Breast-fed,” she replied.
”Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.
She did.  He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.  Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight.  You don’t have any milk.”
”I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.”

185


Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics

186

I wouldn’t have to manage my anger if people would manage their stupidity.

9g

Took down our Rebel flag and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door.  We’ve disconnected our home alarm system and quit our candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.  Bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front yard, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the center.  Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.  I’ve never felt safer and we’re saving $49.95 a month.

187

Do you ever meet someone for the first time and immediately want to buy them a toaster for their bathtub?

188

And that will do it for this week my friends.  I hope you enjoyed yourselves and that I could bring a little joy into your lives.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

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2 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1672

  1. Danny says:

    Good stuff. I really look forward to the Laffs and am never disappointed.

  2. Leah D says:

    Loved the toilet paper ‘toon! I spent a long time going up and down the Walmart toilet paper aisle, calculator in hand, trying to figure out what was the best buy, so I could resupply my storage room. I was home before I realized I bought one ply! Now I apologize to any guests.

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