Dragon Laffs #1671


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Good Morning Campers,

God has blessed the Dragon Family.

Again.

I’m sure you all know that mine is the only income in our family.  We are the ultimate “single income family”.  Very difficult to make ends meet and we typically live pay check to pay check as many of you do every month.  But we do make ends meet…usually…and God has always provided for us…mostly.  Not steak, but burgers at least, if you get my drift.

But, as irreverent and irreligious as I am, that does by no means mean that I am a non-believer in God.  Quite the contrary.  After having been involved with just about every organized Christian religion that there is from Catholicism to Mormonism to Baptist and having studied the Bible, Book of Mormon, Pearl of Great Price, Koran, etc. I have reached my own PERSONAL decision regarding my Heavenly Father many years ago.  And I know that He has ALWAYS and Continuously watched over me and my family and provided for us what we needed when we needed it.  As strongly as I believe that God is in my heart and all around me and in everything I do, I know that organized religion is a political …. okay wait.  I’m not taking that statement any further because I know I’ll end up upsetting some of you who, I am positive, belong to a perfectly lovely church somewhere that makes you blessedly happy.  Hell, I have too in the past. 

It just never seems to last.

And I just can’t keep myself from looking behind the damn curtain.

Anyway…

God has ALWAYS made sure we’ve been taken care of.

For the last couple of years, since my hip surgery, Mrs. Dragon and I have slept in separate beds.  Mostly because the bed we had was too soft for me and the bed we acquired was too hard for her.  We needed something in-between, but couldn’t afford to go out and get one.  Not and pay for medicine, and food, and electricity, and stuff….you know….the luxuries that we had become accustomed to living with.  So, we got by.  We were both sleeping.  Not happily, but sleeping.  I would visit her or she would visit me, but neither of us could spend the night, if you know what I mean.  Getting old is a bitch and arthritis sucks.

Then the laptop goes out.  Which is not used just for Dragon Laffs.  It’s used to keep in touch with family, pay bills, etc.

Been talking to God about a bed for two years, now I’m talking to him about a laptop.  Kinda feeling a little guilty about both cause it’s more like something I want, rather than something I need.

And then the blessing happens out of the blue.

I get a letter in the mail from the VA that says that I’m entitled to a refund on my VA home loan to the cost of a new bed and laptop….almost to the penny.  Almost to the penny when we go to the discount store and get the LAST box spring and mattress that’s on clearance sale that’s the PERFECT one for us to both sleep on and if we order on line like we’re going to pick it up in the store we’re currently standing in we’ll get another 20% off and the laptop was out of stock so they’ll ship it to the house the next day and for our troubles take another 20% off so that the total of all the discounts and savings comes to within $10 of what the VA sent us.

You don’t think that God has a calculator and figured out the discounts and everything?

Yeah he did.

The Dragon Family has been blessed…

Let’s Laff

100

Frankly autocorrect, I’m getting a bit tired of your shirt.

101

I don’t need to go to AREA 51.

I’ve been to Wal Mart.

102

Here’s a cool story…one that I heard about a while ago that I believe is just kinda coming to light…

R.I.P. to an unsung hero: The man who saved the world in 1983 dies

Did you know that in 1983 the world almost ended? Most people aren’t aware of this fact due to a media blackout from the former USSR, but on the early morning of September 26th, Soviet nuclear command detected five missiles en route from the United States to Moscow. The Soviets had a 23 minute window to fire their nukes to retaliate, but one man decided to take a closer look rather than hastily pull the trigger. That man, Stanislav Petrov, suspected a computer glitch was to blame for the missile alert — and it turns out he was 100% right! Had anyone else been in charge at that moment, a full-blown nuclear exchange may have occurred. Thanks to Petrov’s intuition, however, the Cold War never had a chance to get hot. This year, Mr. Petrov passed away at age 77, and is survived by his son. May he rest in peace.

This story was secret until the fall of the USSR. The stories of many heroes often go untold.

Thanks to Kim Komando’s newsletter for that quick tidbit

103

Be careful about what you buy online .

Even if you buy stuff online , please check out the seller very carefully.

One of our known senior members just lost $4,000, plus tax, on a penis enlarger.

The bastards sent him a Magnifying Glass!!!

The only instructions that came along with i t were:

“DO NOT USE IN SUNLIGHT!’

104

Yoga class?

I thought you said, “Pour a glass.”

105

I eat mostly whole foods:

Mostly whole Pizzas…

Mostly whole cakes…

etc…..

106

Home is where you take your pants off

107

Every mother on earth gave birth to a child.

Except my mom, she gave birth to a Legend.  High Five Mom!

 143

I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth.  I was raised with a wooden spoon on my ass.

108

Breaking News:

Donald Trump has ties to the United States and has colluded with the American People!!

6

Ad on Facebook:

Anybody at work right now and don’t want to be there?  I’m doing family emergency calls, crying and everything, for $10 a call.  Serious Inquiries Only.

109

Husband: “Why do you keep buying plants when you just end up killing them?”

Wife: “Just to remind you what I’m capable of.”

110

Give up my carbs!

Over my bread body!

111

I love water..

Especially frozen into cubes and completely surrounded by vodka.

112

I know I joke a lot on my posts but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck.  I have a meeting a the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.  I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

113

Mister Rogers did not adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood

114

The Officer said, “You’re staggering.”

I said, “You’re quite handsome, yourself.”

We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.

115

Try to remember the greener grass across the the fence may be due to a septic tank issue.

116

My housekeeping style is best described as “There appears to have been a struggle.”

117

For my buddy Wheats…..
5

He understands

I feel your pain brother

Me: (Sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) … I can’t see you anymore … I am NOT going to let you hurt me like this again!

Trainer: It was a sit up.  You did one sit up.

125

A baby can drink a full bottle and fall asleep and people say it’s cute.  But as soon as I do it, I’m an alcoholic.

126

How can I ever trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?

127

People are usually shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician.

Go ahead, take a minute and think about it.

128

That is scary wrong.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

129

You know what really makes me smile?

Facial Muscles

130

A really good point.  I don’t have little kids (or a big truck) but it’s still worth saying, could be a neighbor’s dog or cat….but a walk around your vehicle before you take off is ALWAYS a good idea.

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.

Apparently he waved to another woman.  So, to get out of the awkward situation, I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport.  I am now in Poland starting a new life.

131

Do you know why birds sing in the morning?

Because they don’t have to to fucking work!

132

I’m super lazy today.

It’s like normal lazy, but I’m wearing a cape.

133

If your happy and you know it…it’s your meds.

134

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, “ About 2 hours.”  The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around at the shop and said, “About 3 hours.”  The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”  

The barber looked around the shop and said, “About an hour and a half.”  The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, “Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes.  He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.”

A little while later, Bob returns to the shop, laughing hysterically.  The barber asked, “So, where does he go when he leaves?”

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, “Your house!”

135

Nurse’s week and Teacher’s week are both during Mental Health Awareness Month…

Coincidence?

I think not!

136

I went to the psychiatrist today.  She told me I had a split personality and charged me 160 dollars.

I gave her 80 dollars and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.

137

Remember how when you were little you could just rip off your diaper and run around naked and everyone thought it was cute and funny?

Anyway, I need bail money.

138

 

Someone posted they had just baked some synonym buns.  I replied, you mean just like the ones grammar use to make?  Now I’m blocked.

139

Parenting is a lot like the bar scene:

Everyone’s yelling, everything’s sticky, it’s the same music over and over again, and occasionally someone pukes.

140

The reason we have 17,000 pages in our law books is because we cannot follow 10 lines on a tablet made of stone. ~ Ravi Zacharias

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So, here’s an oldie but goodie….

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of First Graders, using a bowl of lifesavers candies.  He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.  The children began to say:
”Red…cherry.”
”Yellow…lemon.”
”Green…lime.”
”Orange…orange.”
Finally, the professor gave them all honey lifesavers.
After eating them for a few moments, none of the children could identify the taste.
”Well,” he said.  “I’ll give you all a clue.  It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.”
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, “Oh My God!  They’re assholes!”

So…not quite the way I heard it before, but still pretty much the same joke.

142

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore.  He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things, but nothing works.

Finally, the doctor says to him, “This is all in your mind,” and refers him to a psychiatrist.  After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink  confesses, “I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.”

Finally, the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.  The witch doctor tells him, “I can cure this,” and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.  The Witch Doctor says, “This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year!  All you have to do is say ;123’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”

The guy then asks the Witch Doctor, “What happens when it’s over?”

The Witch Doctor says, “All you have to do is say ‘1234’ and it will go down.  But be warned.  It will not work again for a year!”

The guy goes home and that night he is read to surprise his wife with the good news.  So he is lying in bed with her and he says, “123.” and suddenly gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says, “What did you say ‘123’ for?”

144

The sad part is, most of us have crooked heads.  Put your glasses down on a flat surface upside-down.  Do one of the arms stick up in the air?  Yup, your head is crooked.

lol

The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 mph in a 35 mph zone.

The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was steaming.  When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, “I can’t believe you stopped me.  This town must be the asshole of the world!”

The magistrate looked at him and replied, “And you must be what’s passing through.”

145

There were three women waiting in a doctor’s office.
They started talking and one woman said, “I’m going to have a girl because I was on the bottom last time and I had a girl. I was on the bottom again this time so I’m going to have another girl.”
One of the other ladies said, “I’m going to have a boy, I was on the top.”
The last lady started to cry.
The two other ladies asked, “Why are you crying?”
She replied, “I’m going to have puppies!!!”
 

146

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1st Rule of Marine Warfare

5.5 terrapixels

6 in. wide boner

10....9....8....7...

15 Seconds of fame

18th

18TimesTheSpeedOfLight

30mm cannons

There’s my baby!  That’s the one I used to install in the A-10 Thunderbolt II, lovingly called the Warthog.  I also put a LOT of 30mm ammo through that thing.

147

I’m writing a book about reverse psychology…Please don’t buy it.

148

Damn, I’m pretty sure I was married to her at one time.

Judging by the frying pan that just flew by my head, I did something wrong.

I can’t wait to find out what it was.

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And that, dear friends, is that, for another week.

May you all be safe and happy until we meet again.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

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2 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1671

  1. Leah D. says:

    Your sentiments about The Supreme Deity, and organizations match my own. However, I am greatly impressed and grateful for the Christian organizations that are, I believe, winning the mid east wars by converting Muslims to Christians.
    Thank you for the Russian hero story, I salute him!
    My husband and I had to find a video of the ‘warthog’, and he says they built the weapon first, then built the plane around it . . . his only answer as to where they put that large ‘gun’ in such a small plane.
    So happy for the blessings bestowed on you.

    • impishdragon says:

      I am truly glad that you enjoyed the issue. I too am thankful for all that the Christian organizations do, just as I can be thankful for all that the “good” politicians do, I can never see myself running for any office, although I know that Lethal would have said that you can’t win if you don’t play the game. I also believe deeply to your own self be true. I know that God watches over and protects me and my family and loved ones and I know in my heart that I do what I can to be a good person and to help others where I can … and I suppose that ain’t nuthin’.

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