Dragon Laffs #1664


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So, I about had this issue ready to go out last Saturday and my laptop took a crap on me and I couldn’t get it fixed in time, so I’m now getting it ready for this week.

I’m halfway through my two weeks of living hell and I want to make sure that there is something for you guys on Saturday, so why don’t we just get to it!

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Mrs. Dragon says, “I know it’s time to clean out my purse when my car assumes it’s a second passenger who’s not wearing their seatbelt.”

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Thoughts To Ponder…

*    I THOUGHT GETTING OLDER WOULD TAKE LONGER.

*    A WISE MAN ONCE SAID – – NOTHING.

*    RESPECT YOUR ELDERS; THEY GRADUATED SCHOOL WITHOUT THE INTERNET.

*    I’VE DECIDED I’M NOT OLD; I’M 25 PLUS SHIPPING AND HANDLING.

*    WHY DO I HAVE TO PRESS “1” FOR ENGLISH? DID WE MOVE?

*    WE HAVE SOME GUN CONTROL; WHAT WE NEED IS IDIOT CONTROL.

*    BEHIND EVERY ANGRY WOMAN STANDS A MAN WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT HE DID WRONG.

*    LET’S STOP SENDING MONEY TO OTHER COUNTRIES AND LET THEM HATE US FOR FREE.

*    VEGETARIAN: ANCIENT TRIBAL NAME FOR THE VILLAGE IDIOT WHO CAN’T HUNT, FISH OR LIGHT FIRES!

*    I LOOK AT PEOPLE AND SOMETIMES THINK…”REALLY? THAT’S THE SPERM THAT WON?”

*    IN MY DEFENSE I WAS LEFT UNSUPERVISED.

*    IF GUNS KILL PEOPLE, THEN PENCILS MISSPELL WORDS, CARS MAKE PEOPLE DRIVE DRUNK, AND SPOONS MAKE PEOPLE FAT.

*    MY DECISION-MAKING SKILLS CLOSELY RESEMBLE THOSE OF A SQUIRREL WHEN CROSSING THE ROAD.

*    SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID. AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.

*    WE OWE ILLEGALS NOTHING; WE OWE OUR VETERANS EVERYTHING.

*    CAMPING: WHERE YOU SPEND A SMALL FORTUNE TO LIVE LIKE A HOMELESS PERSON.

*    IF MY BODY IS EVER FOUND ON A JOGGING TRAIL JUST KNOW THAT I WAS MURDERED SOMEWHERE ELSE  AND DUMPED THERE.

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ConeYOU’LL HIT EVERY CONE ON THE HIGHWAY BEFORE I LET YOU MERGE IN FRONT OF ME BECAUSE YOU SAW THAT SIGN 2 MILES AGO JUST LIKE I DID.

 

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I’m a fat-ass, but I can lose weight… You’re a dumb-ass… How you going to fix that?

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If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on, too.

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“It’s not about how tired you are.  It’s about how tired you’re making everyone else.” ~~ My husband explaining bedtime to the kids.

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A Good Mood is Like a Balloon…One Little Prick is All it Takes to Ruin It!

 

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The police sent me a picture of me speeding.
So, I sent them a picture of a check.
They sent me a picture of handcuffs.
Well played.

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I remember when Yoga was called Twister.

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Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?

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I really think it’s time to take the warning labels off of everything and let stupidity work itself out of the gene pool.

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Think Old and you’ll be Old.  Think Young and you’ll be a Delusional Old Fart!

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If you had to choose between eating bacon everyday, or being skinny for the rest of your life – would you choose Applewood or Hickory Smoked?

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Amen!

 

Sarcasm and Attitude … so much cheaper than Therapy and Bail Money.

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I refuse to argue with anyone born after 1995, y’all can’t even write in cursive!

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This stage in my life is called, “Mid-Life Fuck it!”

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When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer, it’s “Art” … but, when I do it, I’m “Drunk” and “Have to Leave Home Depot, Immediately.”

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And MAYBE Bob Marley

The National Weather Service has just published instructions on how to bake a lasagna in your mailbox.

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If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss, what does smoking marijuana do?

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My children want a cat for Christmas.

Normally I cook a turkey but hey, whatever makes them happy!

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How do you milk sheep?

Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1,000 for it.

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You know that thing in your mind that tells you when something is a bad idea?

How do I get one of those?

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What if slugs are just snails going through a divorce?

Yup…lost the house.

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He’s a great “Word of the Day”

Addlepated – confused or eccentric

Great word!

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That moment when your steak is on the grill and you can already feel your mouth watering … Do you vegans feel the same way when mowing the lawn??

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And that’s it my dear friends….until we meet again.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

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1 Response to Dragon Laffs #1664

  1. Ginny says:

    Thanks for the smiles and giggles….good way to start the weekend.

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