Good Morning Campers,
I gotta admit, it’s been a rough week. But, we’re not going to dwell on that. Instead, we’re going to laff!
Yeah, but if you gotta go…..
Six Kinds of Sex…
1. PENSION SEX
Two men were talking.
“So, how’s your sex life?”
“Oh, nothing special. I’m having Pension sex.”
“Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!”
So, this is the way I’ve been for the last two weeks. Bad head cold – flu. It sucks.
2. LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem, doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.”
“My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.”
“The problem is,” she complained, “it wakes me up!”
Yes, I know it was bloody awful, but what can I say?
3. QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, “How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?”
She glanced at him and replied, “You’re never home!”
4. ARGUMENT SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yelled, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: ‘Here Lies My Wife – Cold as Ever.'”
“Yeah,” she replies, “when you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: ‘Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.'”
I know people like that.
5. WOMEN’S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, “This will make you happy tonight.” He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn’t get back in.
6. ELDERLY SEX
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 97 year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, ‘Yes, your honor. I figured that at 97, if he could still have sex…he could also probably fly.
There is more money now being spent on Boob Jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer’s research…which means, by the year 2040 the elderly will have perky boobs, still willies and no idea why.
In all the media hoopla about the new congress, the “new breed of women politicians” and all the rest of the democratic bullshit that’s going on, have any of you even heard anything about these three men?
Hmmm, maybe because all three of them are Veterans and Republicans?
That’s because it’s the wrong leprechaun! For the full effect, you have to have the one and only original Lethal Leprechaun!!
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m still doing it.
I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning…
Now I’m not allowed to have any Sharpies in the house anymore.
It’s strange how drinking 8 cups of water a day seems impossible, but 8 cups of coffee go down like a chubby kid on a see-saw.
Woodstock 2019 is happening. If you were nude at Woodstock ‘69, we kindly ask you don’t go nude to this one. Thank you. Management.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there.
It was the bathroom, but still…
I’m in big trouble if people find out I don’t really have Tourette’s.
Just imagine how awesome life would be if biscuits and gravy made you skinny!
Have ye ever listened to some folks for a minute and thought…
“Their cornbread just ain’t done in the middle.”
I told my ex I felt like killing him, and he said I needed professional help.
So I hired a hitman.
When my wife is mad at me, I tighten all the jar lids so she has to come talk to me.
You can tell a lot about someone by the coat they wear.
If the arms are tied in the back by buckles, then they’re fun.
I bought a new Lexus 450 and returned to the dealer the next day because I couldn’t get the radio to work. The Salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
“Nelson,” the salesman said to the radio. The Radio replied, “Ricky or Willie?”
“Willie!” he continued and “On The Road Again” came from the speakers.
Then he said, “Ray Charles!”, and in an instant “Georgia On My Mind” replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I’d say, “Beethoven,” I’d get beautiful classical music, and if I said, “Beatles,” I’d get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, “Ass Holes!”
Immediately the Venezuelan National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on
guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax, Hillary on bagpipes and Kennedy on Scotch.
I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.
“I wish to live forever,” I said.
“I’m sorry,” said the fairy, “but I’m not allowed to grant that particular wish.”
“Fine,” I said, “then I want to die the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people’s best interest.”
“You crafty bastard,” replied the fairy.
DNC HEADQUARTERS EVACUATED AFTER SUSPICIOUS PACKAGE DISCOVERED.
Wait…all clear…just a copy of the Constitution.
The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, “You have a cute baby.”
The smiling husband said, “I’ll bet you say that to all the new parents.”
“No,” she replied, “just to those whose babies really are cute.”
The husband then asked, “So what do you say to the others?”
The nurse replied, “The baby looks just like you!”
How to stop time: KISS
How to travel in time: READ
How to escape time: MUSIC
How to feel time: WRITE
How to waste time: SOCIAL MEDIA
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out?
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, “Are you okay?
“As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for…
“I’m okay I think,” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
“That’s nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!”
“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.”
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I’d better go now.”
“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”
“Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess.”
SHORT LOVE STORY
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,………. ‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.’
‘I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.’
‘Wow!………………….. That’s a great idea!’, he exclaimed. ‘Good,’ she replied. ………….’Get your own fucking blanket.’
After a moment of silence, he farted.
Let’s wrap up today with some Motivationals, shall we?
If you don’t know what a Random Encounter is, you’re either way too young or never played real D&D.
And that’s it for today my dear friends. Thank you very much for all your kind words and compassion these last few weeks. It has meant a lot that you, my family, has been there with me.
Until next time.