Dragon Laffs #1631


Header1631

Greetings from the frozen state of Northern Michigan!

It’s crazy!  The Air Force sends me to south Florida in July and Northern Michigan in November.  Can we switch them around please? 

The header is from one of the rest stops between my little cavern in Indiana and the frozen friggin’ tundra of Michigan.

This is a picture from outside my hotel:
5

Pretty, but it’s like 2 degrees outside.

Anyway, I hope to add to this all week long and have a really good issue for you on Saturday.  We’ll see how that works out.

For now….let’s laugh!

4881

I hate to start things off with such a horrible groaner, but you can all blame Ginny for this one:

While Captain Cook was sailing the South Pacific, he discovered an island that had a fabulous house of ill repute. The women were out of this world, the hospitality incredible, and the prices amazingly cheap.
After many enjoyable visits, he told all his brothers and cousins about the place, and they went there by the boatloads.
Soon they had trashed the place with their drunken brawls, terrorized the women, who all ran away, and the house shut down.
It just goes to show you… too many Cooks spoil the brothel.

4882

A woman with 14 children, ranging in age from one to fourteen, went to court to sue her husband for divorce on grounds of desertion.
“When did he leave you?” the judge asked.
“Thirteen years ago,” the tired mother replied.
The judge was confused. “Well, if he left thirteen years ago, where did all these children come from?”
“Well,” said the woman, “he kept coming back to say he was sorry.”

4883

A Texas couple, both well into their 80’s, go to a Sex Therapist’s office.
The doctor asks, ‘What can I do for you?’

The man says, ‘Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?’

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, ‘There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.’

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.  The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave..

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, ‘I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?’

The man says, ‘We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married; so, we can’t go to her house. I’m married; and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and best of all, Medicare pays $43 of it.

4884

Saw a baguette at the zoo…
It was bread in captivity.
rimshot

4885

Adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane.

4886

Alpena, Michigan is a cute little town with a LOT of big stores.  It’s a shame we’re only seeing it at night.  We’re working out on the base from 0600 to 1900 (that’s 6 am to 7 pm for you civilian types)

6A

They have a Walmart, Home Depot, Meijers, all the fast feeders, Lots of mom and pop places.  In my little town we have a crappy little kmart and a krogers, and their population is smaller than ours and their county population is smaller than ours.  Amazing.

This next one was sent by my brother the Owl and it cracked me up!!!!!

6

Tip of the day:
Never make snow angels in a dog park.

4887

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the damn lock.

4888

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

“HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside.

He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager.

The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least.

However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.”

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter.

He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer.

The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded!

He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, “Meow.”

4889

What the fuck are birds so excited about at 5 am?

4890

The older I get, the meaner I get…I’m pretty sure within the next few years I’ll be biting people.

4891

Good parenting is hearing a loud bang, and automatically yelling, “Stop Doing That!”

4892

Retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, “So, who’s gonna tell his wife?” They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.

“Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.”

Goldberg goes over to the dead man’s apartment and knocks on the door. His wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares: “Your husband just lost $500 in a Poker game and is afraid to come home.

“Tell him to drop dead!” yells the wife.

4893

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.

They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said: “I built a big house for our mother.”

The second said: “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”

The third said: “You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it.”

Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks.

“William,” she said, “the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”

“Arnold,” she said, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He’s a pain!”

“But David,” she said, “the chicken was delicious!”

4894

Dear McDonalds,

Thank you for not serving hotdogs.  I don’t think I could order a super-sized McWeiner with a straight face.

4895

A newly ordained priest, nervous about hearing confessions, finally asks an older priest to observe how he does and give some tips.

After listening in on the second confession, the older priest suggested that the younger man fold his arms, maybe rub his chin with one hand while saying phrases like “I see” or “I understand” or “Yes, my child. Go on”.

The young priest puts the suggestions into practice and later tells the older priest how much it has helped getting more information from his flock.

“You’ve done well,” said the older man.

“Isn’t that much better than slapping your knee and yelling ‘No way! What happened next?'”

4896

If you suck at playing the trumpet, that’s probably why.

4897

I just burned 1200 calories.

I forgot the pizza in the oven.

We haven’t seen them in a while, so here’s a bunch of Motivational Posters!!!

Poor Judgement

Poor Life Choices

popemobile

Porn

Porns Law

Positive Thinking

Possibilities

Potential

I really loved that one! My own personal mantra!

Potential2

Poverty

Poverty2

Yeah, things are really tough out there.

My body is a temple
Ancient and crumbling
Probably cursed or haunted

4898

When I offer to wash your back in the shower, all you have to say is yes or no.
Not all this “Who are you, and how did you get in here?” nonsense.

4899

Having worked for the Government for the last 11 1/2 years, albeit in a minor employee kind of way, I can say for sure that this next one is 100% accurate.

Once upon a time, the government had a vast scrapyard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said, “Someone may steal from it at night.” So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?”

So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?”

So they created the Quality Control Department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?”

So they created a time keeper and a payroll officer position. Then hired two people.

Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?”

So they created an administrative section and hired three people: An Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost.”

So they laid off the night watchman.

So, here’s a picture of the river in the daylight:

6c

I think it’s prettier at night.  LOL!

And this is another one from brother Owl.
6d

A man enters a sexy lingerie store to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy): “I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.”

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, “Good Grief! You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

The coffin will be closed.

4900

Okay a few more local pictures and I’ll call this issue complete.

The first one is a picture of the oldest building still standing and in use on Alpena CRTC.  It’s called the River Club and it’s where we’ve gone to eat for lunch the past couple of days.

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And this is a picture of the inside of the club.  Since this base is used a LOT for exercises from units all over the world, each one tries to decorate it, just a little.

7e

This next one is what our poor players are trying to play in right now…

7b

And finally, downtown Alpena, Thursday night….late!  (Worked late and couldn’t friggin’ sleep!)

7f

And that brings this episode to a close.  I hope you enjoyed my little adventure.

For now, my dear fellow campers, be well.

Live, Love, Laugh!

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2 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1631

  1. Ginny. says:

    Very pretty, but 2 degrees! I’m sure Indiana will feel sweltering to you when you get home. Funny issue with lots of laughs. I beg you PUDDING what’s wrong with my joke about Captain Cook? Have a good weekend…relax and chill.

  2. Tomw says:

    I look forward to your Laffs, esp liked this one with Alpena. I used to a dirt bike on fire trails in that area occasionally. It seems like about a 100 yrs ago looking at the snow now from SC.

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