Let’s just roll that beautiful blog footage shall we?
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate, ‘ not ‘fascinating.'”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
One day Paddy goes into a pharmacy, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist, and says “Could you taste this for me, please?”
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
“Does that taste sweet to you?” says Paddy.
“No, not at all,” says the chemist.
“Oh that’s a relief,” says Paddy. “The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar.”
* I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning.
* The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She’s 21, and her name’s Kathy.
* Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting “pedophile!” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I’m 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
* My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said “Son, that’s 3 schools this year! You’d better stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”
* The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries.
* A man calls 911 and says “I think my wife is dead”. The operator says, “How do you know?” The man says “The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!”
* I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You obviously haven’t been listening.”
* My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
Lethal went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’
The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’
Lethal said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.
The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.’
Lethal left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’
Lethal replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn’t want to have any more kids.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
‘A less costly alternative, ‘ said the doctor, ‘is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.
‘The Alabamian said to the doctor, ‘I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to ear is going to help me.
”Trust me, ‘ said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
(you’ll love this.)
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas,
Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, Western Maryland and All of Washington DC…
Most of the Maritimes. parts of Quebec, Ontario and Manitoba.
A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
“I don’t want to know” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.”
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, “When I was six, I got the ‘There’s no Easter Bunny’ speech.
At seven, I got the ‘There’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘There’s no Santa Claus’ speech.
If you’re going to tell me that grown-ups don’t really get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”