Ladies, Gentleman, those of you of the Transgendered ilk, I would ask that you remain standing this morning and join Impish and myself in the Pledge of Allegiance.

Thank You. You may be seated. Slurp it if you’ve got it.

Alright lets get right to it we’ve a lot to cover, lots doing this weekend, probably more than you even realize so we’ve got lots to cover in addition to our regular material.

As you might have noticed from the Issue’s Banner Memorial Day is once again upon us. Rather than putting out a special Holiday Edition as we have in years past Impish and I will be splitting the duty and both covering it as part of our issue along with other events of significance occurring this weekend.

Before we get started I have 2 announcements of a semi personal nature.

1.) Thank you to all how personally e-mailed me concerned for Molly & my safety over the last week with all the serious and violent weather that has been occurring down here. Fortunately none of it has come close enough to be of an serious concern though my phone’s alert messages and the Weather Radio have gotten quite a work out. Rest assured we are used to this sort of thing and actually this particular round got us off our butts and made us get our “Hurricane Evac Bags” set up early as well as one for the cats

2.) A couple of you got some extremely pointed rude and nasty e-mails from me because you ignored my warnings to back off on the political spam you were filling my Inbox with that was essentially hype and Horse post digestive process byproduct.

I regret being forced to that point but when you keep yanking on the pin of a grenade despite warnings not to do so eventually that spoon flies and 3 seconds later there is a devastating explosion. It’s NOT like you didn’t get multiple warnings to cease and desist.

I’m not posting this to embarrass anyone, nor am I bragging about it. I truly regret the necessity of what I did and in retrospect the manner in which some of what I said was said. I AM posting this as a sort of “Heads Up”.

Impish’s and My Inboxes are just that OURS. We enjoy chatting with you people and having discussions about our common values and beliefs. However that does NOT mean we want to see you forwarding ever piece of farcical hype and crap from either side of the political divide that falls in your Inbox onto us! Please remember you are not the ONLY one sending us stuff and most of it we see from our own sources as well. In many cases we never even read the majority of it because we are so overwhelmed with it but we have to sort it from the important stuff and that eats up a significant amount of your time.

So please use a little common sense and discretion when forwarding and if we ask you to lay off please consider the situation from our PoV.

Ok enough chit chat. Lets get down to business shall we?

So THAT’S how the Waitress is spelling it when she asks me down at the Curmudgeon’s Café & Coffee Shoppe!

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said:
Two Prostitutes – $50.00

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them, and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that moment, another car passed with a sign saying: “Jesus Saves.”
One of the girls asked the officer, “How come you don’t stop them?”
“Well, that’s a little different,” the officer said. “Their sign pertains to religion.”

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:
Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter — $50

According to Impish ‘I have my finger in a lot of pies’ which is just plain unsanitary & gross! I prefer saying that I keep my eyes and ears open a lot like many of the great reporters,  power brokers, and heavy duty Movers & Shakers. First it was the Pentagon Papers, then Watergate & the infamous missing 18 minute gap, next Wiki Leaks.

Now we announce the beginning of our new (hopefully semi regular) feature Leprechaun Leaks!

Is it too soon to program the DVR? Your 2013 fall television schedule, now in a convenient grid!

Upfronts Week is finally over, and we now have a more concrete idea of what the fall television schedule for the networks will look like — at least for the first week and a half before the cancelation bloodbath begins (watch your back, Welcome to the Family, Sean Saves the World and Betrayal). Because it is never too soon to start considering your programming conflicts, here is the schedule day-by-day!

For more information on the networks’ new shows:

ABC
CBS
The CW
NBC
Fox

What the Customer Wanted

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, “No,
ma’am, we haven’t had any for some weeks now, and it doesn’t
look as if we’ll be getting any soon.”

Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to
the customer, who was walking out the door, and said, “That
isn’t true, ma’am. Of course, we’ll have some soon. In fact,
we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago.”

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, “Never,
never, never, never say we don’t have something. If we don’t
have it, say we ordered it and it’s on its way. Now, what
was it she wanted?”

“Rain.”

Hey I was sort of cheating on you guys last night- I was commenting on someone else’s blog (OK, LOOK NOW! DO NOT go off on me for cheating… YOU GUYS are responsible for forcing me to cheat with your refusal to have cerebral discussions and wanting nothing but head in the sand humor) ANYWAY while doing so I think I hit upon a profoundly wise realization about Islam.

Some Looney Liberal web troll was going off about ‘religious tolerance” with regard to Muslims and how its really a beautiful ‘religion of peace’ and how we need to understand  and accommodate Sharia Law going so far as to evoke Rodney King and his now infamous “Can’t we all get along?” line.

While most of the responses to this idiot were of the understandably profane and flaming variety I tried to rise above that and nail this Looney’s coffin closed so we could bury him…alive (sadly only metaphorically and electronically at that):

Islam claims to be the ‘Religion of Peace’, well all evidence to the contrary aside for a moment because those preaching acceptance and accommodation will just claim religious zealots and/or too tight turbans, I think its still a lie for one very simple but nearly hard to dispute reason (as if Al-Q wasn’t already enough evidence)

PEACE is a two sided coin and comes from both parties possessing the same  3 things-

Tolerance

Understanding

Acceptance  (Of others (peoples, cultures, new social values and other religious ideologies) for what they are and as they are

NONE of these things are part of Mohammad’s teaching and go totally against the Koran, therefore Islam is not and never will b e the religion of peace w/o MAJOR fundamental changes in their interpretation of the Koran and since their rules for resolving apparently conflicting surahs (verses of the Koran) is conveniently last take prescience (when Mohammad realized he was loosing his own tribe and wrote the more blood thirsty parts) this cannot happen ever

Therefore Islam is and will always be the religious equivalent of the KKK in the Middle East and a permanent thorn in the world’s side until we eradicate it or confine it.

As to those who preach tolerance acceptance and accommodation of a religion who’s stated goal is eradication of all other religions, subjugation through violence (conversion by the sword and once you convert you are still a lesser/lower form of life) and oppression (both of free thought & women) well…

I hope you folks found my thoughts as profound and accurate as did the one on the other blog.

TRUE AMERICAN

It is time to change from REDNECK humor to TRUE AMERICAN Humor!

Only it isn’t seen as HUMOR, but the correct way to LIVE YOUR LIFE!

If you feel the same, pass this on to your True American friends.

Y’all know who they are…

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if:
It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, ‘One nation, under God.’

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if:
You’ve never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if:
You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.
If you got this email from me, it is because I believe that you, like me, have enough TRUE AMERICAN in you to have the same beliefs as those described in this email.

God Bless the U S A [and True Americans] ! Amen

[United Corporations of America]

Keep Me Alive

My friend Ida was slowly recovering from a heart attack. “Doctor,”
she pleaded with her cardiologist, “you must keep me alive for
the next two years. I want to attend my first grandchild’s
graduation.”

“We’ll try,” he replied compassionately.

In due course Ida gratefully attended the graduation.

Some time later she again spoke to her doctor. “My granddaughter
is to be married in 18 months. Please help me to be able to attend
her wedding.”

“We’ll do our best,” he replied.

And my friend happily attended her granddaughter’s wedding.

Ten years passed. Ida visited her cardiologist regularly and followed
his instructions religiously. One morning she called him. “Doctor,”
she began, “I’m feeling fine, but I have another request to ask of
you:

Remember how you saw me through to my grandson’s graduation?”
“Yes.”

“And later how you helped me attend my granddaughter’s wedding?”
“Yes.”

“Well, as you know I’ve just celebrated my 80th birthday. And I just
bought myself a new mattress.”
“Yes?”

“It has a 20-year guarantee…”

Watch out for that bus Impish! Oops Sorry Dude! Guess that was a little late!

The Memorial Day Tradition Continues with 49th ‘Indianapolis 500′ Telecast

ABC will televise the Indianapolis 500 for the 49^th consecutive year on Sunday, May 26, continuing a Memorial Day tradition that began in 1965.

A one-hour preview show airs from Indianapolis Motor Speedway at 11 a.m. ET, with the race telecast, presented by Go Daddy, at noon. The green flag for one of the world’s iconic and most historic sporting events is at 12:15 p.m.

Indianapolis native Ed Carpenter, who broke through to win the pole position for an event he grew up wanting to compete in, provided drama as he paced last weekend’s time trials while driving for his own small race team against a field of international drivers and mega racing organizations. Carpenter will lead the field of 33 drivers to the green in the traditional three-abreast starting formation.

ESPN’s production of the Indianapolis 500 on ABC will utilize 84 cameras to televise the premier event of the IZOD IndyCar Series, including three onboard cameras per car in 12 of the 33 cars competing in the race.

Carpenter will be one of the 12 drivers carrying onboard cameras as will defending race winner Dario Franchitti and defending IndyCar Series champion Ryan Hunter-Reay. Others will be Charlie Kimball, JR Hildebrand, James Hinchcliffe, Townsend Bell, Will Power, Helio Castroneves, Marco Andretti, Graham Rahal and Tristan Vautier

Among the cameras will be the newly-enhanced “Batcam,” a camera that provides unique and dramatic views running on a cable over pit road and the frontstretch and has been utilized by ESPN at Indy for several years. But with new technology, “Batcam” can now move faster than ever, reaching speeds of 95 mph.

Viewers of the ABC telecast will have the option of a second screen experience through a choice of live streaming video from the onboard cameras on ESPN3, ESPN’s multi-screen live sports network. ESPN3 will carry the feeds exclusively through WatchESPN and on Indycar.com to fans who receive their Internet or video subscription from an affiliated provider. Viewers will be able to choose which driver’s onboard cameras they want to watch from among the available cars

Boys & Girls if you have the insane wish to mix drinking, automobiles and speed in your life, THIS is the ONLY safe way to do it. Imbibing your favorite adult beverage from the comfort of your home while watching sober highly trained professionals do the high speed driving.

Anything else is just plain stupid and likely to draw the ire of both Impish & myself as well as your public ridicule in this forum should we learn of it.

Memorial Day is about honoring our dead heroes NOT about creating new Senseless Drunk Driving Accident Death Memorials. Enough said?

Memorial Day, the official start of grilling  & picnic season is nigh upon us boys and girls! {Just wanted to state that incase you’ve missed the theme of the issue]

Make Memorial Day unforgettable with some special dishes for an unforgettable backyard BBQ. These are sure to make you the talk of the neighborhood right up to the 4th of July.

And don’t forget to fly Old Glory high to honor the those who fought and died for our freedoms.

Frosted Citrus Green Tea

At a glance

Prep  15 min.

Total 3 hr. 15 min.

Serves 6  Servings: about 1 1/3 cups each

Chill: 1 hr. 30 min.

Freeze: 1 hr. 30 min.

Freshly brewed green tea and chilled Diet V8® Splash Tropical Blend Juice are frozen, then served with mint and lemon.

What You’ll Need

4 cups Diet V8 Splash® Tropical Blend Juice Drink, chilled
4 cups strong brewed green tea
Fresh mint sprigs (optional)
lemon slices

How to Make It

• 1

  Pour 2 cups of the juice drink into 1 ice cube tray. Freeze for 1 hour 30 minutes or until it’s frozen.

• 2

  Stir the remaining juice drink and tea in a pitcher and refrigerate for at least 1 hour 30 minutes.

• 3

  Unmold the cubes and place 3 to 4 cubes in each of 6 glasses. Pour the tea mixture into each glass. Serve with mint and lemon, if desired.

Buffalo Burgers

At a glance

Prep  10 min.

Total  30 min.

Serves 4

Cook: 10 min.

Grill: 10 min.

These juicy burgers get even better when they’re topped with our delicious hot and spicy sauce and crumbled blue cheese.

What You’ll Need

1 pound ground beef
1 can (10 3/4 ounces) Condensed Tomato Soup
1/2 teaspoon Louisiana-style hot sauce (I recommend Frank’s Brand)
1/2 cup crumbled blue cheese or 4 slices blue cheese
4  Hamburger Buns, split (grill toasted optional)
Lettuce leaves, red onion slices, tomato slices (optional)

How to Make It

• 1

  Shape the beef into 4 (1/2-inch-thick) burgers.

• 2

  Lightly oil the grill rack and heat the grill to medium. Grill the burgers for 10 minutes for medium or until desired doneness, turning the burgers over once halfway through the grilling time.

• 3

  Heat the soup and hot sauce in a 1-quart saucepan over medium heat to a boil. Reduce the heat to low. Cover and cook for 5 minutes. Top the burgers with the soup mixture. Sprinkle with the cheese. Serve the burgers on the buns with the lettuce, onion and tomato, if desired.

Recipe Tips

• Recipe Note: Any leftover soup mixture can also be a great dipping sauce for French fries.
• Serving Suggestion: Serve with carrot and celery sticks with ranch dressing for dipping. [Personally I think a little Coles slaw on them goes great hand helps tame them if they are too hot!]

Bacon Ranch Potato Salad

Yield: 6-8

Ingredients:

11 Red Skinned Potatoes, scrubbed

1/2 pound Bacon, cooked and crumbled

3 green onions, trimmed and sliced {white and dark green parts}

1 to 1-1/2 cups  Buttermilk Ranch Dressing (I prefer Marie’s or Hidden Ranch)

3/4 cup Cheddar Cheese, freshly grated

Directions:

Place potatoes in a large pot of salted water and bring to a boil.

Once cooked; drain and cut into bite size chunks.

Let cool slightly before adding the bacon, green onions and the buttermilk ranch.

Toss; then add in the cheddar cheese.

Toss again and serve warm or chilled.

If I have them I’ll toss in some diced celery & radishes

Raspberry Tiramisu Trifle

At a glance

Prep  20 min.

Total  1 hr. 20 min.

Serves  6  Servings: about 1 cup each

Chill: 1 hr.

This layered dessert looks like it took all day to make…but it takes just 20 minutes.  What makes it taste as good as it looks is coffee-dipped cookies layered with sweetened cream cheese and raspberries.

What You’ll Need

1 package (8 ounces) cream cheese, softened
1 cup confectioners’ sugar
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 cup heavy cream, whipped
1 package (6 ounces) Pepperidge Farm® Milano® Cookies
1/3 cup brewed black coffee
1 cup sweetened frozen raspberries, thawed and drained
1/4 cup grated semi-sweet chocolate

How to Make It

• 1

  Beat the cream cheese in a medium bowl with an electric mixer on medium speed until smooth. Beat in the sugar and cinnamon. Fold in the whipped cream.

• 2

  Spoon 1 cup cheese mixture into a 4-cup trifle bowl. Dip 6 of the cookies, one at a time, into the coffee and place over the cheese layer, overlapping slightly. Spoon 2 tablespoons raspberries over the cookies. Repeat the layers. Spread the remaining cheese mixture over the top. Garnish with the remaining cookies and raspberries. Refrigerate for 1 hour.

• 3

  Garnish with the chocolate before serving.

Recipe Tips

• Tip: Heavy cream will whip faster when the bowl and beaters are cold. Place the bowl and beaters in the freezer for about 15 minutes before using, then use the cream right from the refrigerator.

Off means what it says. OFF !!!!!!!!!!!

When will people finally get the message – not only in church but other places as well. No matter where you go, someone has a cell phone glued to their ear!
This is from a fellow who visited this church in Burbank, CA , where they actually showed this video of how they handle cell phones in church.
It’s only 1. 5 minutes long and a hoot!!

Where Are You From?

Suzi, my cousin, was telling me about an evening service at
the church we’ve both attended for years. She and her husband
usually sat in the back, but this time they moved up front to
be sure to hear the Scripture reading.

They sat beside a long-time church member who cheerfully said,
“Good to have ya with us! Where y’all from?”

Taken by surprise, Suzi mumbled, “The back.”

Memorial Day History

Three years after the Civil War ended, on May 5, 1868, the head of an organization of Union veterans — the Grand Army of the Republic (GAR) — established Decoration Day as a time for the nation to decorate the graves of the war dead with flowers. Maj. Gen. John A. Logan declared that Decoration Day should be observed on May 30. It is believed that date was chosen because flowers would be in bloom all over the country.

The first large observance was held that year at Arlington National Cemetery, across the Potomac River from Washington, D.C.

The ceremonies centered around the mourning-draped veranda of the Arlington mansion, once the home of Gen. Robert E. Lee. Various Washington officials, including Gen. and Mrs. Ulysses S. Grant, presided over the ceremonies. After speeches, children from the Soldiers’ and Sailors’ Orphan Home and members of the GAR made their way through the cemetery, strewing flowers on both Union and Confederate graves, reciting prayers and singing hymns.

Local Observances Claim To Be First Local springtime tributes to the Civil War dead already had been held in various places. One of the first occurred in Columbus, Miss., April 25, 1866, when a group of women visited a cemetery to decorate the graves of Confederate soldiers who had fallen in battle at Shiloh. Nearby were the graves of Union soldiers, neglected because they were the enemy. Disturbed at the sight of the bare graves, the women placed some of their flowers on those graves, as well.

Today, cities in the North and the South claim to be the birthplace of Memorial Day in 1866. Both Macon and Columbus, Ga., claim the title, as well as Richmond, Va. The village of Boalsburg, Pa., claims it began there two years earlier. A stone in a Carbondale, Ill., cemetery carries the statement that the first Decoration Day ceremony took place there on April 29, 1866. Carbondale was the wartime home of Gen. Logan. Approximately 25 places have been named in connection with the origin of Memorial Day, many of them in the South where most of the war dead were buried.

Official Birthplace Declared In 1966, Congress and President Lyndon Johnson declared Waterloo, N.Y., the “birthplace” of Memorial Day. There, a ceremony on May 5, 1866, honored local veterans who had fought in the Civil War. Businesses closed and residents flew flags at half-staff. Supporters of Waterloo’s claim say earlier observances in other places were either informal, not community-wide or one-time events.

By the end of the 19th century, Memorial Day ceremonies were being held on May 30 throughout the nation. State legislatures passed proclamations designating the day, and the Army and Navy adopted regulations for proper observance at their facilities.

It was not until after World War I, however, that the day was expanded to honor those who have died in all American wars. In 1971, Memorial Day was declared a national holiday by an act of Congress, though it is still often called Decoration Day. It was then also placed on the last Monday in May, as were some other federal holidays.

Some States Have Confederate Observances Many Southern states also have their own days for honoring the Confederate dead. Mississippi celebrates Confederate Memorial Day on the last Monday of April, Alabama on the fourth Monday of April, and Georgia on April 26. North and South Carolina observe it on May 10, Louisiana on June 3 and Tennessee calls that date Confederate Decoration Day. Texas celebrates Confederate Heroes Day January 19 and Virginia calls the last Monday in May Confederate Memorial Day.

Gen. Logan’s order for his posts to decorate graves in 1868 “with the choicest flowers of springtime” urged: “We should guard their graves with sacred vigilance. … Let pleasant paths invite the coming and going of reverent visitors and fond mourners. Let no neglect, no ravages of time, testify to the present or to the coming generations that we have forgotten as a people the cost of a free and undivided republic.”

The crowd attending the first Memorial Day ceremony at Arlington National Cemetery was approximately the same size as those that attend today’s observance, about 5,000 people. Then, as now, small American flags were placed on each grave — a tradition followed at many national cemeteries today. In recent years, the custom has grown in many families to decorate the graves of all departed loved ones.

The origins of special services to honor those who die in war can be found in antiquity. The Athenian leader Pericles offered a tribute to the fallen heroes of the Peloponnesian War over 24 centuries ago that could be applied today to the 1.1 million Americans who have died in the nation’s wars: “Not only are they commemorated by columns and inscriptions, but there dwells also an unwritten memorial of them, graven not on stone but in the hearts of men.”

To ensure the sacrifices of America ’s fallen heroes are never forgotten, in December 2000, the U.S. Congress passed and the president signed into law “The National Moment of Remembrance Act,” P.L. 106-579, creating the White House Commission on the National Moment of Remembrance. The commission’s charter is to “encourage the people of the United States to give something back to their country, which provides them so much freedom and opportunity” by encouraging and coordinating commemorations in the United States of Memorial Day and the National Moment of Remembrance.

The National Moment of Remembrance encourages all Americans to pause wherever they are at 3 p.m. local time on Memorial Day for a minute of silence to remember and honor those who have died in service to the nation. As Moment of Remembrance founder Carmella LaSpada states: “It’s a way we can all help put the memorial back in Memorial Day.”

Regardless of what event you chose to participate in this weekend or how you chose to participate, all the ongoing festivities that seem to be crowded into this weekend have one thing in common. Our fallen heroes earned you the freedom to do so and continue to pay for that freedom each and everyday with their lives.

Some return home such that they might well have preferred to die than to be a burden to others, these too we must especially never forget. While its true Veterans DO have a day of their own, it seems more appropriate to honor the disabled ones on this day as a part of them DID die for our freedoms and liberties.

So, if you come across a disable Vet this weekend, do not avert your eyes and make him feel ashamed that he didn’t die. Look him square in the eyes, thank him for his courage and sacrifice and honor him because his fight didn’t stop when he was taken from the battle field, rather it had only just begun!

I would ask that you rise and bow your heads as we honor our brave fallen heroes.

BUGLER! SOUND TAPS!

Good Morning Campers!  And a very special good morning to our Dear Diaman, I know it’s very early in the morning…or very late at night, depending on your point of view… and I hope you are feeling better dear.  I have a VERY SPECIAL TOUCH that will make you feel all better, all you must do is ask.  I’d be happy to fly over, wrap my wings about you and … ahem … maybe another time.

Anyway, the reason for my extra.  I wanted to give you a glimpse behind the scenes, as it were, to what really goes on around here, here now is a copy of a text session this afternoon between myself and Lethal Leprechaun. He first starts with an excuse:

Your evidence is obviously photoshopped & therefore inadmissible in court.

You have no witnesses, have obviously manufactured evidence, I have an alibi (I was with Mrs Dragon & Molly the entire time- you going to say they are WRONG?) and I’m a ‘respected’ (depending on exactly whom you ask) LAWYER.

NOW, who is the court of public opinion going to believe? Me, Mrs Dragon & Molly or a Dragon who has smacked into one too many mountains face first so as to have semi permanently scrambled his squash and lacks the situational awareness not to step in front of buses that much like mountains he seems unable to see in front of him?

Dude I KNOW you’re embarrassed about it but its past high time we talk about the elephant in the room, your eye sight is going and you’re in desperate need of glasses! I know you’re scared you’ll be labeled a Dork, but pal o mine better a live Dork Dragon then a Dead Mr. Mcgoo impersonating Dragon! Besides if we get you prescription Google Glasses you just MIGHT make it to Hipster/Geek Dragon status!

Well, let’s say that my response to him was less than complimentary.  I don’t need glasses!  Can you even see me with glasses on?

Anyway, you can understand a little better as to why things aren’t always as they appear… and those nurses…yum!  Any of you out there in the health care professions, and of the female persuasion who are looking for a great business opportunity, send me an application with your specifics and you might end up the private nurse, physician or aide to a very famous dragon.  Not to mention handsome, gentle, giving, handsome, generous, handsome…

Well, there’s no sense in wasting the space, so why don’t we throw a couple of funnies in too and call it a night…or day … or whenever you’re reading this.

Okay, so you’ve got to be a fan to really get this, but trust me, it’s funny!

And that’s all folks!

Subtle, right?  Yeah, I thought so too.  If you are looking for an explanation of today’s header, then look no further than today’s Last Word.
Lots of funnies to go through today, lots of stuff to peruse and think about and quite a few videos… so do you all know what that means?
That’s right, if you’re reading this on email, you might as well click on this link:
http://dragonlaffs.com
and start reading there, ‘cause you can’t view the videos on the email.
So go ahead and save yourself some time and hassle right now, click on:
http://dragonlaffs.com
and get on with it.
So, if that’s not enough of a lead in for you…. then …

My wife said “Fix that gutter downspout TODAY!”

This guy is really good.  I suppose there is a certain amount of comedian in every juggler, but this guy is especially good at both.  What makes it even better is Ronald and Nancy Regan laughing along with Tip O’Neil over this guys act in Ford Theater.  BUT!!!!!! In order to see it, you MUST go to our website.  http://dragonlaffs.com
It comes in two parts, so let’s watch Part 1

And then we move on to part 2

And this one sent to me by my dad…thanks dad!  Guess where you have to watch it at?
Jonathan Winter and The Stick Shtick from the Jack Paar show in April 1964.

A medical alert bracelet is used to save a person’s life in case of serious problems.  Since we’re both married and worked for the government at one time or another, Lethal and I wear one exactly like the one pictured.  If you can’t figure out why, then there’s no need to explain it to you.  

And we wonder why the cashier at McDonald’s needs a calculator to give back correct change from a fiver.

Yup, that’d be all the hint that I needed.

This one is great!  Hot pursuit interrupted!  Can you remember where you have to go to view this video?  That’s right!  http://dragonlaffs.com

You can just look at a kangaroo and know they are party animals.  They just have this look, you know?

You know, I had the same problem with Lethal when he told me the exact same thing.

Rumors are circulating in California that radical Muslims

Are planning to go on a rampage in Los Angeles, killing

Anyone who is white and born in the U.S.

Police fear the death toll could be as high as 23.

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

• This week marks the 40th anniversary of the Watergate hearings. For those of you too young to remember, back then the administration had an enemies list. They were spying on reporters, and they used the IRS to harass groups they didn’t like. Thank God those days are gone forever.
• A lot of critics are comparing President Obama to President Richard Nixon, which is unfair. Nixon’s unemployment rate was only 5 percent.
• This whole IRS thing has become a huge story. They apparently were targeting conservative groups like the tea party. You know it’s bad when President Obama says, “Hey, why don’t we talk about Benghazi?”
• The National Aquarium in Washington is going to close. But don’t worry. If you’re in D.C. and you still want to smell something fishy, stop by the White House. They’ve gone from “Change you can believe in” to “Changing the story until you believe it.”

Conan

• In a new interview, Joe Biden says he spends four or five hours every day with President Obama. In response, Obama said hiring that Obama impersonator was the best decision he’s ever made.
• Since President Obama took office, the Democratic Party has lost nine governorships, 56 members of Congress, and two Senate seats. In his defense, Obama said, “Well, I did promise change.”
• China announced it will no longer buy recycled trash from the U.S. I don’t have a joke here. I’d just like to give a round of applause to whatever genius has been selling trash to China.
• O.J. Simpson was in court this week trying to overturn his conviction on armed robbery and kidnapping. O.J. said, “I’m tired of everyone thinking of me as a robber and kidnapper and forgetting what a great murderer I am.”

The Late Show With David Letterman

• Have you folks been paying attention to what’s going on in Washington? In a matter of six weeks we have three big scandals, and it looks like President Obama and all his buddies in the White House may go to prison. Finally, some good news for the Romney campaign.
• People always say this to me: “Hey, Letterman,” they say. “Why don’t you make jokes about Obama?” All right, I’ll tell you why. I don’t make jokes about him. Because I don’t want the FBI tapping my phone, that’s why.
• They see Benghazi as a real powder keg. This scandal, they believe, may go as high as Dennis Rodman.
• Here’s the problem. When you get scandals in Washington — like the IRS, Benghazi, and the FBI — it really gets in the way of not getting things done. If they don’t fix these crises pretty soon, honest to God, it could bring gridlock to a screeching halt.

You may have remembered last Wednesday’s issue of Leprechaun Laffs where it started out really well for me when Lethal actually turned down Leno to replace me as side kick.  I thought, Man, it’s gonna be a great issue!
But then…
right off the bat, I get reminded of how many times I get thrown under the bus…
then…
I couldn’t get a piece of tail and I couldn’t fly a kite.
I thought that was going to be it, but then…
I lost the three chocolate bars that I had legitimately stolen from the candy store AND Lethal turned around and got them all FOR FREE!
Sheesh!
But then, Lethal turned around and offered to share with me any money that anyone felt like they wanted to throw away on the fake Facebook lottery. 
I know
I know
There isn’t  a worm’s chance in a bird factory of any actually sending us any money, but still….
But then he flips on me again and tells everyone about my blind date at the beach.  Lethal, I thought we were friends buddy.  I told you that in confidence…well, when you came to collect my catatonic body you’d of figured it out anyway, but you said you wouldn’t tell!
Then, THEN he talked about my leaky brain (the Elmer’s glue didn’t work EITHER, by the way!)
and my addiction to sniffing glue!
Well…
this time, I got a picture!
This time, the WHOLE world will know exactly what goes on around here!

I present to you…

evidence!

Until next time my friends…

OK ALREADY LENO! Light it up will ya?

SHEESH! Ed McMann you ain’t never gonna be! There’s enough intro in that banner for 6 issues!

I know NBC is giving you the axe for expressing yourself like I do, straight up and straight out, but like I told you, I’m not dumping Impish and making you second banana around here. I wont do that to my buddy (besides the SoL [Son of a Lizard] owns 51% of the venture stock).

YES! I’ll call you IF I need a guest host at some point. YES I KNOW that’s how you wound up with Johnny’s job. Look! I’m a wee bit busy here and pressed for time, do you REALLY want me to call for security with all them Paparazzi outside looking for a photo op? Back way out so you can avoid them? Why sure Leno I understand completely! I’m not a TOTALLY heartless  guy after all- that would make me Trump!

Here just take this elevator to Level 6 and look for the really big guy with the glowing eyes. How will you know which guy with glowing eyes? Well aside from being the ONLY one, he’s wearing armor that looks like 1/2 a tree and carrying a huge horn. Tell him I said you were there to help exercise the dogs. What’s that got to do with a back way out that nobody will see? Trust me nobody will ever see you leaving Level 6!

Ahem…Sorry bout that folks. The problem with being a Concierge to the Rich Famous and Powerful is most days I’m lucky to get them to take my calls but when they suddenly need something REALY BAD and are DESPERATE they will not leave me alone! Since getting rid of Leno (permanently) ate up so much time lets just get right to it shall we?

FRIDAY! Call those Executives at NBC and tell them I expect a messenger with their check for the agreed upon amount by close of business, unless they’d like to come negotiate with me too!

Yes my Master!

Two bears were sitting at the side of the Potomac river near DC .

The smaller bear turned to the bigger one and said, ‘I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age; we were the same size as cubs. I just don’t get it.’

‘Well,’ said the big Bear, ‘what have you been eating?’

‘Politicians, same as you,’ replied the small Bear.

‘Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?’

‘Down near the parking garage over by the Congressional Buildings.’

‘Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?’

‘Well, I hide under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ‘em!’

‘Ah!’ says the big Bear, ‘I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there’s nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.’

After all- Impish seems to do it ALL the time!

Wait! I think I hear a bus coming now!

The very powerful & very stupid have one thing in common [besides rabid unreasoning liberalism- LL]. They don’t alter their views to fit the facts. They alter the facts to fit their views.  Which can be uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering!

Dragon vs. Leprechaun —

Impish Dragon & Lethal Leprechaun entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking, Impish stole 3 chocolate bars.

As they left the store, Impish said to Lethal, “Man I’m the best thief, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no one saw me. You can’t beat that.”
 
Lethal replied: “You want to see something better? Let’s go back to the shop and I’ll show you real bloody thieving.”
 
So they went to the counter and Lethal said to the shopkeeper, “Do you want to see magic?”
 
The shopkeeper replied, “Yes.”

Lethal said, “Give me one chocolate bar.” The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it.

Lethal asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well. He asked for the third, and finished that one too.

The shopkeeper asked: “But where’s the magic?”

Lethal replied: “Check in my friend’s pocket, and you’ll find all three bars of chocolate.”
 
You just CAN’T beat a Leprechaun………..

Huh! Apparently Leno is a little perturbed with me. I can’t understand why, I DID tell the Eryl King to take it easy on him, I mean how many other people can say they survived taking Hell Hounds of the Wyld Hunt for a “walk”? CELEBRITIES! Go figure!

If you receive any email messages claiming that you are a winner in any Facebook lottery, please note that this is scam. Facebook is currently not promoting any lottery games and will only do so on their website at Facebook.com. I am tired of all these email lottery scams and want people to know that they should never reply to any email messages asking for personal information.

Here is a copy of the “Facebook Lottery Scam” email:

Facebook Online International Lottery
From: The Desk Of the President.
International Promotions / Prize Award.
Category: 2nd

Greetings to you Dear lucky winner. We are pleased to inform you of the result of the just concluded annual final draws held on the 12th of March 2013 by Facebook group in cash promotion to encourage the usage of Facebook worldwide. Your name was among the 20 lucky winners who won $950.000.00USD (Nine hundred and Fifty Thousand United State Dollars) each on the Facebook group promotion award attached to Lucky Number (FB-225-7736), Ticket Number (FB-172-60), Batch Number (FB-0281/544) and Serial Number (99352748-2013).

The online draws was conducted by a random selection of emails you were picked by an advanced automated random computer search from the Facebook in other to claim your $950.000.00usd the lottery program which is a new innovation by Facebook, is aimed at saying a big thank you to all our users for making Facebook their number one means to connect, communicate, relate and hook up with their families and friends over the years.

This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by some participants and scam artists all participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from over 20,000 companies and 30,000,000 individuals email addresses from all over the world. This promotional program takes place every three years. You may be rest assured that this is real and legal. There are some scam artists around but thanks to the FBI, 216 of them have been arrested.

You are required to contact the head of our disbursement department in the person of Mr. Lincoln Howard via this email address (facebookwinnersdepartment11@gmail.com) with information below for the complete processing of your Winning certificate and further information regarding the disbursement of your lottery winnings.

Full Name:
Contact Address:
Mobile Number:
Occupation:
Marital Status:
Sex:
Age:
Country of Residence:
Nationality:
Lucky Number:
Ticket Number:
Batch Number:
Serial Number:
Your Email Address:

Furthermore, if there is any change in email addresses please contact us on time. Do not reply to this email, Contact the disbursement department with the email provided above.

Note: if you are not interested please do not bother to reply.

Thanks and more Congratulations!

Regards,
Mr. Wright Jones
Announcer.

Ask yourself, why would Facebook use a Gmail account instead of one of their own e-mail accounts like facebookwinnersdepartment11@facebook.com? The answer is, they wouldn’t.  The above mentioned e-mail message is a scam and the scammers created the fake Gmail e-mail address for the victims to send their personal information.

If you asked to send personal information to any of the free e-mail service providers like Hotmail, Yahoo, Gmail or others, please do not. Anyone can create an e-mail account at these free e-mail providers and use it for malicious purposes.

If you have some deep abiding desire to empty your bank account(s) for no personal gain PLEASE by ALL MEANS contact Impish or I and we will happily assist you in transferring your liquid assets to us. Rest assured that you will have our profound gratitude in perpetuity for this act of largess.

You think THAT is bad? Impish met a girl on one those ‘dating sites’ and rushed off to meet her for a romantic first date on the beach.

I finally located him the following day hiding under his bed curled up in a fetal position (neither of those things being no mean feat for a Dragon) and whimpering.

When I asked him what was wrong and how is date went he just whimpered louder and push his phone out from under the bed after selecting this photo as an apparent explanation:

He’s currently on a recovery regime of Double Stuff Oreos, Whiskey & intensive Psycho-therapy and is expected to make a full recovery hopefully in time for Saturday’s issue.

Man’s brain fluid leaks out his nose

Runny nose thought to be caused by allergies

Published On: May 08 2013 07:45:28 AM CDT Updated On: May 08 2013 11:26:40 AM CDT

What was thought to be year-round allergies actually turned out to be a rare medical problem for one man.

Joe Nagy’s nose continued to run everyday for more than 18 months. After trying allergy medicines to fix the constant nasal drip, the Arizona native finally went to a specialist who tested the fluid that was dripping out of his nose and determined it was actually brain fluid, Fox 10 reported. The membrane surrounding Nagy’s brain had a hole in it, causing the brain fluid to leak.

Nagy was prepared to have brain surgery to fix the leak, but developed meningitis, which caused the fluid to become infected. The infection eventually cleared up and Nagy was able to have the surgery, which involves “gluing” the hole shut using a surgical needle.

Whoa! Impish buddy! All this time here I was thinking you were either an Inbred Imbecilic Moron loosed on humanity as a joke by Dragon kind or a Post TBI patient with no hope of a full recovery and I was trying to protect you from yourself and all the nasty people who would take advantage of you.

Now after all this time it turns out you might just be low on brain oil ‘cause you have a leak in your brain pan! My Bad Dude! I had NO IDEA you were sniffing glue for a legitimate reason!

Why yes, yes we do- Liberals, Political Fools, Oppressive Government, barely literate entitlement minded Youths and a crushing National Debt all are made here.

You just got to love the Brits.

A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.

The Arab Muslim asked him, “What are you doing? ”

The cabbie answered, “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so f&&k off and wait for a camel!”

Three things this joke makes

graphically clear to me:

1.) Muslim arrogance and determination to oppress the world.

They will stop at nothing to force themselves and their beliefs on anyone give the least opportunity. You and your beliefs/rights are of no concern to them, theirs will take precedent. Fail to see it their way and they resort to terrorism like a spoiled 3 year old resorts to a tantrum.

2.) This clearly demonstrates the biggest problem with Islam is its insistence on living and dwelling in the past and that their fight is with anyone/thing that is progressive.

Unless of course it helps to make them more efficient at terrorism and oppression THAT progression they readily embrace and claim it Allah’s will. Here I thought Catholicism was the Religion of Hypocrisy and Ruthless Oppression! Seems like they’ve fallen to the #2 spot there as well!

3.) The Brits obviously have a much better idea than we do regarding how to deal with their Muslim infestation.

We should stop being to be so liberal touchy-feely politically correct when it comes to ethnic groups that demand we change our country to suit them. Instead we need to apply the “This is America- Love It -Accept It  – Live It ‘s Principles – Become a Citizen or Be  Forcibly Deported  Back the the Third World  Toilet You Came From” philosophy before the IS NO American any longer.

The only people who are not for immigration reforms are (illegal) immigrants & the legal families of (illegal) immigrants who co-incidentally are all liberals because they want our gravy train to continue paying for their life. Any one having to foot the bill for them and capable of objectively seeing what they are attempting to do to America certainly wants the reforms!

Okay, enough about that.

This was sent to me, but it hit me really hard…
When a soldier is killed in the line of duty, his family eventually gets a flag and a note conveying sympathy and respect and from the United States Government. When a Black pro basketball player announces he is a queer, he immediately gets a personal phone call from the President congratulating him for his courage.
Am I missing something?
Did something change that I don’t know about?
Am I alone in not understanding this?
This administration has GOT TO GO!

Okay….that’s enough

I really need to laugh.

God thinks for a second and says, “Very good. Come and sit at my left.”

God thinks for a second and says, “You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.” 

Then God addresses Obama. “Barrack, what do you believe in?”

This is absolutely incredible and beautiful.  The Hungarian Shadow Theater Company on Britain’s Got Talent, 2013…do I have to tell you to go to the website if you want to view the videos?  I do?  Okay.  Go to http://dragonlaffs.com to see this and all the videos you get in the mail.

Q. What Do You Call A Woman Masturbating?
A. A Bushwacker!
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple?
Because it tasted better than Adam’s banana.
Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV.
When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said, “Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!”
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage.
Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex.
Steph was telling her boyfriend, Jeff “According to archaeologists, for millions of years the Neanderthal man was not fully erect.”
And Jeff’s reply was, that’s pretty easy to understand considering how ugly the Neanderthal women were!

The secret to life’s happiness is two fold:
1) Have a good sense of humor
2) Have a dirty mind

Please be patient with me.
Even a toilet can only handle one asshole at a time.

Are we there yet?

Father Guido Sarducci was a favorite of mine in the old, original days of Saturday Night Live.  Those of you who only know the more recent seasons have no idea WHAT you may have missed.  Here’s a little taste.  And remember….. http://dragonlaffs.com

The Swiss Guard welcomed the retired Pope Benedict back to Vatican City where he will live. They’ll have two popes in the same living quarters. Not since Neil Simon wrote The Odd Couple has there been a better premise for a Broadway comedy.

You cannot make this “stuff” up: The Air Force’s chief sexual assault prevention officer was arrested over the weekend in Virginia for drunkenly groping a woman.

Singer Lauryn Hill was sentenced today to 3 months in prison and 3 more months in home confinement for failing to pay taxes. Not that she’s getting off so easy for the second half of her sentence, Hill will be confined at home in New Jersey.

Former Senator Jim DeMint says that immigration reform would be blocked if people read the bill. Political experts were confused. Members of Congress can read?

President Obama gave a graduation speech where he told students to reject voices that warn about government tyranny. He then said they could all have their backpacks back after he was done speaking.

The mortician who embalmed Boston Marathon bombing suspect Tamerlan Tsarnev wants help from the White House on what to do with the body. Apparently he is worried about being stiffed with the stiff.

Itty-Bitty

This is a short piece that goes along VERY well with my own “Handling Of A Mad Dog” theory.  I think you’ll be able to figure out what the gist is shortly:

This one is from my dad, who just happens to be a retiree from Florida.  Thanks Dad.

They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, “Come on in and let me pour one for you!

In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, “That’s 10 cents each, please.”

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying,”That’s 40 cents, please.”

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They’ve each had two martinis and haven’t even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, “How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?”

“I’m a retired tailor from Phoenix ,” the bartender says, “and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink

costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it’s all the same.”

“Wow! That’s some story!” one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can’t help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don’t have any drinks in front of them and haven’t ordered anything the whole time they’ve been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, “What’s with them?”

The bartender says, “They’re retired people from Florida . They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price, plus they all have coupons…”

Today’s Last Word is something both astounding and scary as hell.  I know we all thought that we would get to this, but George Orwell was right, in more ways than we feared…

FORMER FBI COUNTERTERRORISM AGENT ON CNN:
All Texts, Email and TELEPHONE CALLS are Recorded and Stored by the US Government
Even those made within the USA by American Citizens

EXCUSE ME???!!!  Wiretapping is one thing, but are you telling me that all our conversations, text messages, emails, sexting messages (oh dear Lord, NO!) and every other form of electronic communication have been recorded?  And can be searched?  Not just wiretaps in real time (legal and illegal) but …. but …. how far back does this go?  Well, thanks to our good friend Kim Kommando, who pointed us towards The Guardian website (http://www.guardiannews.com/ ) and a piece written by Glenn Greenwald, we will end up getting some, if not all answers to those questions.

The real capabilities and behavior of the US surveillance state are almost entirely unknown to the American public because, like most things of significance done by the US government, it operates behind an impenetrable wall of secrecy. But a seemingly spontaneous admission this week by a former FBI counterterrorism agent provides a rather startling acknowledgment of just how vast and invasive these surveillance activities are.

Scary stuff?  You betcha!  Think about all the text messages you’ve ever sent, all the emails you’ve sent.  Now, think about the fact that the government might want to “talk” to you about a crime, maybe one that you didn’t commit, but maybe you don’t have a good alibi for – do you really want them to be able to go back through ALL your emails, ALL your texts, ALL your phone calls?  You don’t think it’s possible they can find some out of context evidence there to hang you for just about anything?  I know they could with mine.  And I, of course, don’t wish to speak for Lethal, but …
Scary enough for you now?