Dragon Laffs #1431


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“Oh, this is so cool!  I wonder if I can get Lethal … I mean, Mr. G, to get me one of these!”

The screen on the computer showed some sort of flying device with lots of colored lights, switches and connectors.

“This is perfect!  Just what I need!”

A whirring/buzzing sound can be heard growing louder outside the French Doors leading to Impish’s personal balcony/landing pad at DL/LL HQ.

Suddenly the doors silently swing in as if he had used the remote he normally carried when landing on the patio. A small drone slowly flies in the room and does a half circle around him and his desk while maintaining its orientation on our blue friend.

 

Impish can make out a small camera which seems to be studying his facial features for a moment before the drone abruptly moves forward landing on the desk.  It sits there silently its four rotors having ceased spinning for a moment before there is a faint click and the sound of something small and metallic striking the desk.

 

Immediately the electric motor whine returns and the four rotors spin back to speed and the drone lifts up sliding sideways before flitting out the French doors almost faster than Impish can turn his neck to follow it. Just as the drone clears the threshold the French Doors are swinging closed and locking.

 

Turning his attention back to his desk you see a titanium cased weather proof USB Drive that was not there before. Impish notes the time, guess-ta-mates how long ago the drone sat down on his desk then opens a Yellow Page book turning to the page of the last two digits of the time. He then counts down the first two digits of the time in entries making note of the last 4 digits of the appropriate phone number as he has been taught.

 

These digits he carefully enters on the tiny numeric pad on the case of the USB Drive. A faint click is heard and the keypad momentarily blinks green. The end cap can now easily be removed and the drive inserted into his lap top after first air gapping it by disconnecting from the DL/LL Network and locking the office doors.

 

The screen immediately flares to life and a mechanical but faintly familiar voice comes from the Bluetooth ear piece he wears, narrating what he is viewing:

 

Good Morning Mr. Blue. Last night a critical piece of hardware for the operation of the D.R.A.G.O.N. HQ facility was destroyed in what we suspect was an act of sabotage by the forces of A.S.S.clip_image002 timed to coincide with serve thunder storms and their accompanying electrical disturbances of the power grid.

 

Our Oral Caffeination Inducing Unit (shown here) a critical component to the smooth operation of D.R.A.G.O.N HQ suffered irreparable catastrophic damage. We are currently running on a single dosage back up unit. This however is greatly impairing the efficiency and effectiveness of our operation(s) as well as severely impinging on morale.

 

A.S.S. has already anticipated this which is precisely the reason they chose to strike at this crucial piece of hardware.

 

Additionally this is having the effect of forcing more of our critical operation personnel to leave the safety of our secret HQ in search of caffeinated beverages at Starbucks locations which are known meeting places for local factions of A.S.S. Hipsters.

 

Your mission, whether you like it or not, is to escort and provide imagesecurity for the replacement Oral Caffenation Unit (shown here) insuring its safe arrival at our HQ location so that we can get our staff back up to maximum caffeine levels at the earliest possible moment thereby safe guarding our staff from potential kidnapping threats and preventing A.S.S’s Hipsters from gaining any valuable Intel from our caffeine deprived agents.

 

As usual, if you are caught or killed  you will be either thought insane and committed to the Nucking Futz Psychiatric Center for the Syphilitically Drain Bramaged, or a Napolitano Home Grown Right Wing Conservative Terrorist in which case you’ll go back to a certain cell in a certain Cigar and Rum producing Caribbean Island.

 

In either event D.R.AG.O.N. will be too crippled by Acute chronic caffeine deficiency and too pissed off at you to make any attempt to rescue you. Should you manage to return to us but fail the mission, it’s back to the Hokey-Pokey Facility for an extend reorientation session followed by forced entry into our Failed Agents Protection Program where you’ll spend the rest of your life in a Siberian Labor Camp working as a ten Ruble a dance Drag Queen.

 

Your handler Mr. Green will be in contact for any additional support you may need.

 

Oh one more thing- on your way back we’re in need of the standard consumables for use with the Oral Caffeination Inducing Unit. Pick some up will you?

 

BTW as the FNG it wouldn’t hurt for you to spring for a few dozen donuts either, Rookie.

 

This USB Drive will wipe all the Pie Porn from your hard drive and then self-destruct before you can yank it out.

 

Good luck Mr. Blue, don’t screw up your rookie outing.

 

FITZZZZ!

 

As smoke rises from the USB plug Impish exclaims, “My first mission!  My very first solo mission.”  He starts humming the theme song to Mission Impossible, beginning to cough from the acrid smoke pouring from the computer.  It seems the USB drive caught the rest of the laptop on fire and the smoke is rising in the room.  With the doors and all the windows closed and locked the room is beginning to fill up with smoke and Impish is having more and more trouble breathing.

 

“My first (cough!) mission (cough!) I can’t (choke) believe (Hack!) they are trusting (cough!) with this (gasp!) important …”

 

The desk is now burning fiercely as the smoke alarm is going off.  Impish is unconscious on the floor but is soon woken by the sprinkler system that completely soaks the room.  As the dragon wakens he sees Terrence walking through the room with a respirator over his face mumbling, “Stupid damn dragon; doesn’t know damn-well enough to pull the damn self-destructing USB thumb drive from the damn computer before setting the damn room on fire.”  Terrance moves to the French doors on the balcony and throws them open as the fumes rush out of the room and into the night sky.

As Impish sits up on the floor and looks up at Terrence, the Troll removes his face mask and asks, “Shall I make up the alternate bedroom for you, sir?”

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Lethal sent this to me because I’m so deserving:

7c

 

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In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly, somewhat ragged man were sitting. The girl looks like she’s having some discomfort so her boyfriend asks her, “What’s wrong honey?”

She replies, “My head hurts.

“Her boyfriend kisses her forehead, and asks her, “Is it better now?”

“Yes,” she says.

Then he asks, “Does it hurt somewhere else?”

“Here,” she replies, pointing to her lips.

So the boyfriend kisses her lips. “Is it better now?”

“Much better.”

“Anywhere else?”She replies by pointing to her neck. So the boyfriend kisses her neck.

Annoyed at the pitiful public display, the elderly man asks the young man, “Excuse me pal, do you do hemorrhoids?”

 

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Today I had to go to Orchard Supply Hardware.
As I approached the entrance, I noticed a driver looking for a parking  space.
I flagged the driver and pointed out a handicap parking space that was open  and available.

The driver looked puzzled, rolled down her window and said, “I’m not  handicapped!”
Well, as you can imagine, my face was red!

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I said. “I saw your I’m “Ready for Hillary” bumper sticker and just assumed  that you suffer from a mental disorder.”

She gave me the finger and screamed some nasty names at me.

Boy! Some people don’t appreciate it when you’re just trying to help them  out!

 

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Let’s see…witty or sarcastic comment about this picture…. yeah, I got nuthin’.

 

This is GREAT!!!!

You Tell ‘Em Friday!!!!

 

 

All you youngsters out there take notice of this next joke!

An old geezer, (Probably Paul) who  had been a retired fireman for a long time, became very bored and decided to open  a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said:Dr. Paul Geezer’s clinic. “Get  your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000.”
Doctor “Young,”  who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought  this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr.  Geezer’s clinic.

This is what transpired.

Dr. Young: — “Dr.  Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth.” can you please help me ??

Dr.  Geezer:  —  “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3  drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”

Dr. Young: — Aaagh !! — “This is  Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That  will be $500.”

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of  days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: “I have lost my memory, I  cannot remember anything.”

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from  box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor Young:  “Oh  no you don’t,  —  that is Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer:  “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

Dr.  Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more  days.

Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak  —  I can  hardly see !!!!

Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so  —  ” Here’s your $1000 back.”

Dr. Young: “But this is only  $500…”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That  will be $500.”

Moral of story  —  Just because you’re “Young”  doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old “Geezer ” !!!!

(There you go Paul.  I thought you’d appreciate it if we gave you a good part in a joke every now and then.)
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Yup, my favorite line at work: “I’m from the government, I’m here to help.” It rarely bestows confidence in my work.

 

Impish has made his way to three of the best, undercover acquisition locations that were taught to him in Spy-Craft 101.  He found the “Standard Consumables” easily enough at Walmart and at a fairly decent price.  He even found a whole display of Krispy Kreme Donuts and loaded all of it into the side car of Blue Dragon 3. 

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As he was moving through location #2, Target, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was being watched.  Going down wrong aisles, quickly changing directions, and hiding in blind aisles waiting for someone to catch up with him, he was unable to locate anyone who might have been watching him run his mission. 

 

He was unable to acquire the caffeine dispensing thingamajig at Target and went back out to Blue Dragon 3.  As he climbed into the seat, he noticed all his consumables, including the donuts, had been removed from the open sidecar.

 

“Aha!  I am being watched!  Some evil A.S.S. operative has stolen my high priority package.  I’ll not let that happen again!”

 

As he left the parking lot, he failed to notice the two teenage boys sitting on a bench near the Target entrance eating his donuts.

 

He immediately went to his third location and went inside Best Buy and although moving quite quickly and evasively, the Customer Service Technician eventually found what he needed, wrapped the caffeine dispensing device and he carefully, brought it out and put it in the sidecar. 

“How am I going to go back to location #1, get the consumables that I need, without falling into the obvious trap A.S.S. has set for me?  I can’t leave the device in the sidecar… Aha!  I’ve got it!”

 

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Freedom is NOT Free.  Watch this video and think about how far we’ve fallen in just a few short years.  My God, we need to bring this spirit back alive in our country.

Please pass this on to as many people as you can.

 

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I dream of Jeannie!

 

And since we’re discussing Fantasy, here’s my response to the Man from D.R.A.G.O.N. theme music.  This is Hydra by Toto.  Listen to the words!

“Hydra”

There was a man
Who walked alone
Searching for the girl who had just caught his
“I was a fool!” he cried
His mind had wandered
He blinked and the sky moved ever so slightly
He searched the city
She was nowhere to be found
Meanwhile she was floating downward, downward

Do you want your freedom
Do you want my love
Do you want your freedom
From the one you’re thinking of

There lies a lady
Naked and yet not knowing it
A spell had chained her heart forever
Pray upon by the wolves in Times Square
Feel into an abyss of thin air
Innocence caged in sanctuary
There sat the Dragon Lord
Playing solitairy
Defying the rules the holy boys leap Hell’s Kitchen

Do you want your freedom
Do you want my love
Do you want your freedom
From the man who lives above

Suddenly a voice was heard
In a flash the brave young man appeared
The Dragon Lord will cut him with his tail
Chased him to the stairway
Caught him halfway to the top
Sent him whirling down 
Fireballs, summer solstice
The Dragon Lord descended down on him
She turned to look but saw only darkness silence

You don’t want your freedom
You don’t want my love
You don’t want your throat cut
By the same I’m thinking of

 

Okay, so maybe not suitable for a theme song, but still one of my favorites.

 

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A couple came upon a wishing well.

 
The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
 
The wife decided to make a wish, too, but she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
 
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said… “Cool…It really works!”
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Okay, here’s five more funny ones for you military types.

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You gotta love honesty in advertising.

 

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As much as it pains me to say this, there’s probably a lot of truth to that one.  gun2

 

 

 

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Now, that’s more like it.  And a phrase we used many, many times.

 

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Yes.  Yes he does.  and that was my job, to put bombs, missiles and bullets in that bad-boy.

 

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‘Nuff said about that!

 

Okay, so one more for good luck:
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Yup, and the college educated pilot will write up that the aircraft had an inadvertent release and it will become one of my guys, with a high school diploma, to try and figure out what actually happened.  The correct response should be, short between the headset.

 

As Lethal brought up on Tax Day… or um… Wednesday.  I’m sorry.  I heard some of you sob when I said that.  Ahem.  As Lethal said on Wednesday, Hillary has thrown her hat in the ring, so I believe it’s time for an unabashed view of Mrs. Clinton.  You can thank dear Maggie, the sweet little Irish Lass for these:

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A Honeymoon Question
A young couple are undressing on their honeymoon night, when the nervous groom asks his naive bride: “Honey, have you ever been, like, um, you know,…. fucked before?”
 
BRIDE: “Does voting for Obama count?
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“So, I went in through the front automatic doors, down the aisle ways with my bike, threw all the packages into the sidecar without having to stop, I even managed to get the donuts after I extricated myself from that pile of cans of baked beans that I ran into while reaching for the filters.”  Impish was being debriefed by Lethal Leprechaun after his mission.

 

“You road Blue Dragon #3 through Walmart?”

 

“Yeah, and I even managed to evade two A.S.S. operatives in the store!  Can you believe that one was dressed as the manager and the other as store security?” 

He smiles large at the Leprechaun.

 

“Those were the Store Manager and Store Security.”

 

“Well, I did manage to throw the cashier a hundred dollar bill to cover the stuff.”

 

“You threw her a ten dollar bill and that doesn’t even begin to cover the damage.”

“But, I accomplished my first mission!”

 

“That you did, Impish…that you did.”

Impish leaves the briefing singing:

 

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♪♫One of these things is not like the other.  One of these things does not belong.♫♪

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In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
 
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.
 
The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, “What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?”
 
Yep, these are the same kinds of 18-year-olds that are now voting in our elections! They breed, and they walk among US… Lord — we need more help than we thought we did!
 
No wonder half of graduating college students can’t find a job!
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After  being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said: Let me see if I’ve got this right. You want me  to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits,  censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning. You want me  to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self-esteem and personal pride.You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair  play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams.You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their  handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.You want me to do all this, and then you tell me……
 
 
 
I CAN’T PRAY?

 

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We are still working on our Holy Shit Motivationals.  What do you say we go a little long this week and finish them off?  Yeah, I thought you’d like that.

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Holy S15

Holy S16

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Holy S18

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Holy Shit

And that closes out the Holy Shit Motivationals…sigh…I’m sad they’re gone.  They were fun.  Next week will bring us some new Motivationals.

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Let us pray………………….

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,4c
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk

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This one comes from my dad.  You know that both Lethal and I have advocated for this in the past, but this one goes just a little bit further and makes a couple of additional points that I liked enough to share it here:

To Pee or Not To Pee…

–I have a job
–I work, they pay me.
–It’s a pretty good system that’s been going on for a long time.
–I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.
–In order to get that paycheck, in my case, I am required to pass a random urine test (with which I have no problem).
–What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don’t have to pass a urine test.
–So, here’s my question: Shouldn’t one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?
–Please understand, I have no problem helping people get back on their feet.  I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their butt – doing drugs, while I work.
–Can you imagine how much money each state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?
–I guess we could call the program “Urine or You’re Out!”
–Here’s another thought: Shouldn’t all politicians have to pass a urine test, too?  How about passing an intelligence test, a common sense test and most importantly, an Understanding the Constitution Test!
–If you agree with this, then please pass it on.  If not….well…you’re probably not reading this blog any more anyway.
–Some things have to change in this country…AND SOON!!!

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Leprechaun Laughs # 295 for Wednesday April 15th 2015


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You’re in a rush this morning carrying reams of papers and receipts looking to avail yourself of Lethal’s annual generous offer of help you with hiding your income from the government filing your federal income taxes and seeing you pay your fair & just share for others to freeload off. To your horror the room looks nothing like what you have come to expect the issue before Tax Day, in fact its not any different than normal.

The only non-normal thing you see is the discussion going on on the dais between Lethal & Friday on one side and Impish Ginny & Diaman on the other. The point of contention seems to be a list of requests or requisitions from Impish related to his new status as an Agent for D.R.A.G.O.N. Code Name: Mr. Blue- Ice Blue.

Requisitions already? You haven’t even done agent training or gotten an assignment as yet! OK! OK Lemme see what you have. Bloody Beggorah! That many? good thing I’m prepared! Friday haul out that stamp I told you we were going to need.

Friday starts stamping the requisition forms before passing them to Lethal who reviews them and makes notations in the stamped area before handing them back to Impish.

(Lethal sighs mightily) Ok let’s have at it…Request for your own Titanium AmEx or access to mine when I deny you your ownDENIED!  Lethal ticks off the appropriate box on stamped area and adds a notation. You’re getting a prepaid debit card and liking it. This isn’t a low budget operation, it’s a no budget operation until we steal some bad guy assets. Only enough money for each op is getting added to the card. Next!

Requisition for a new wardrobe of you and Agents D & G? Hmm well I can see where the ladies will need some classy evening wear, several LBDs and the like you have a point. Yes I agree your human form will need a tuxedo, several full suits, slacks and sports jackets. Appro…

BUDGET $50,000 pounds sterling??!! WTF you planning on shopping Hong Kong? Savile Row in London?!DENIED!DENIED! 

You’ll go to Lord & Taylor & Men’s Wearhouse. Dontworryboutit- You’re gonna like the way you look. The ladies will have to do with Sax Fifth Avenue and Kohl’s though I will approved a $500 trip for each to Victoria’s Secret. Stacy London and Clinton Kelly from what not to wear will be accompanying the appropriate sexes to make sure you look the part without breaking my bank. YEs Impish you do have good taste-when it comes to food not clothes. Push it and its going to be Target and Kmart your shopping capiche? Good. Next!

Transportation Requisition- Aston Martin DB-8 for personal use or access to my Maybach Exelero?! Are you INSANE?! That car is a one off! Literally the only one! Especially after I had it customized even further!– DENIED!

I’ll let you have use of that V-6 modified Opel GT with the Viper body kit in my collection. The one with the full body skirts and flares and the custom spoiler. They used to be called the poor man’s Vette anyhow so it fits. Bells and whistles? OK I’ll pop for a full first aid kit, a Tom-Tom and have D-Star installed. D-Star? Think OnStar sort of only run by D.R.A.G.O.N. No no Siri, you get connected to Agatha the Asura at the switch board. Sure you know her! Snake tail, curvaceously killer fit body, 4 buff arms, fangs, talons and forked tongue? Yup she’s the voice behind D-Star. Next!

Request of suggestions/approval of signature flairs/trademarks/colorful personality traits for Mr. Blue identity. Cited precedent references to James Bond, Tony Stark, Our Man Flint, Napoleon Solo, Mike Hammer and Spencer for Hire. Harrumph! You forget Austin Powers? Deliberately omitted? Might I ask why? Afraid of the possibility of walking to a harem of Virginal Fembots?! Well ok, I guess I can see that being a remote possibility as well as a potential weakness for you, so points for thinking ahead.

Look, I’ve got an issue to get started here  and the rabble readers are getting ugly frantic about the apparently lack of my free tax preparation facilities/advice. They’re probably scared due to the pervasive rumors going around about the Infernal Revenue having gotten access to alien tech form Area 51. Allegedly they’re using those not so imaginary Alien Anal Probes during audits in an attempt to locate hidden untaxed assets.

ROFL! You’re right Impish it DOES elevate the term audit trail to a whole new level! LMBO! OK let me think about this request until we get the announcements over and the issue started and then we can get back to these requisitions. Give me 10 minutes don’t go anyplace.

Good morning Ladies and Gentleman of the readership and RELAX ALREADY!

Taxes are simply being done in a different location due to the construction and our current Big Nosey Brother security problems. You received a number as you walked in you’ll be called in groups of 20 by those numbers and taken to the tax prep area once the issue is under way.

Several people join Lethal on stage,  you recognize the nondescript and faceless appearance of Chief of Security Noname.  Beside him stands his doppelganger or clone, (when dealing with the mythical community one is never quite sure which), next to them stand three figures dressed in grey monks robes with their cowls up and faces obscured.

Before that happens I have a few announcements:

Owing to the recent upsurge in his work load due to the increase of incursions and security violations all this expansion has brought on Noname’s twin brother Nobody will be joining him as assistant Head of Security. His office will be in the Gateway Building to our new recreation facility.

Additionally because of the increased size of our security staff and the future workload increases we foresee for Noname & Nobody, we’ve hire four Security Specialist Supervisors to assist with the  day to day security operations. Please meet Messrs. Specter, Shade & Revenant. Unfortunately the fourth Mr. Ghost was unable to make himself manifest for this meeting.

That concludes the announcements thank you for you kind attention and patience. Now if there is nothing furth… Paul B.? A question? The Alien Anal Probe rumors? Well as of now they are only that- just rumors. What if someone get audited, well we’ll send someone to answer questions about the preparation free of charge just like every other year. Probed during auditing? No I don’t expect that my experts are about to submit to that on anyone’s behalf. OH! YOU want to volunteer to be probed if it comes up! I see! I always knew there was something slightly off about you Paul! Please mention it to your tax preparer you kinky SOAB!

Now if there is nothing further Impish is anxious to burry me under another pile of requisitions I’m sure. Please enjoy the issue and someone will be here shortly to escort the first group to my tax prep specialists.

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Tax Day Freebies 2015: Get Free Burgers, Cookies & More on April 15 (McDonalds, Deals & Coupons)

Itemizing all those receipts before filing taxes can be pretty soul-crushing. Why not enjoy some discounts and freebies?

A slate of companies — most of them restaurant chains — offer annual rebates on and around April 15. And putting aside whether the whole thing is a cheap marketing gimmick or not, free froyo and a pro bono back massage sound pretty sweet.

Here’s a list of places offering a break even if Uncle Sam doesn’t:

Don’t forget! You still have time to File your Taxes Online for FREE! Get all the details on Free Tax Filing for your state and File your Federal Returns online for Free as well!

Hard Rock Cafe will give you a free Local Legendary Burger, but first you have to literally sing for your supper — specifically, an entire rock song (lyrics will be provided) onstage. Worth it?

McDonald’s: Big Macs and Quarter Pounders are buy one, get one for just $0.01 on April 15 at select McDonald’s locations.

Olive Garden: A buy one, take one deal gets customers two entrées from a select menu starting at just $12.99. Or you can claim a coupon good for $6 off a dinner for two here.

Great American Cookies is sweetening Tax Day with one free sugar cookie per customer in stores, no purchase necessary.

McDonald’s customers who buy one Big Mac or Quarter Pounder with Cheese can get another for only a penny.

Pizza Hut is offering free pies … sort of. You have to file a “P-2″ form, which asks you, among other questions, to calculate your “Net Pizza Consumption” and submit it for a chance to receive Pizza Hut gift cards in the amount of your net pizza return.

Sonic is offering half-price cheeseburgers all day.

Schlotzsky’s will give away one free small original sandwich (packed with ham, salami, cheddar, black olives and more) per customer with the purchase of a 32-ounce drink and a bag of chips.

California Tortilla is handing out free chips and queso or salsa to anyone who makes a purchase and says the secret password: “Taxes Shmaxes” — the chain prefers that you say it “in a bored, funny voice” to make it more “fun.”

Boston Market fans can grab two meals for the price of one, whether it be a whole sandwich, salad bowl or other entree option.

Bruegger’s Bagels: Get a Bagel Bundle that includes 13 bagels and two cream cheese tubs for just $10.40 from April 11 to April 15 with a coupon sent to members of Bruegger’s Bagels’ eClub.

Burger King: Use this coupon to claim a buy one, get one free offer on Whoppers through April 19.

Outback Steakhouse: Celebrate the end of taxes with a steak dinner, and use this coupon to get 15 percent off at checkout through May 3.

Sonny’s BBQ is offering half-priced rib dinners (usually $12.50).

BLT Prime & BLT Steak locations are offering half off all alcoholic beverages.

Orange Leaf Frozen Yogurt‘s fans can fill up a container with froyo (up to 16 oz.) and as many toppings as that cup can physically hold for only $4.15. “Like” Orange Leaf on Facebook and claim the offer when it’s posted on April 14 — print the confirmation or show it on your smartphone at the store.

Tax Day Food Discounts:

Savvy shoppers should head to the grocery store on April 15 since Whole Foods will not be charging customers sales tax on purchases made on Tax Day. For some customers, this could be a nice bit of savings since tax rates vary across the country. Check with your local Whole Foods store to be sure that they are participating.

Want a discount on food? Try P.F. Chang’s. This chain is offering 15% off food, dine-in or take out, on April 15. The 15% discount is not available on Happy Hour specials or alcoholic beverages. IHOP lets kids eat free every night in April between the hours of 4 P.M. and 10 P.M., so take your tax deductions (age 12 and under) out to dinner for free on April 15 or any other night in April.

Subway customers in select markets in North Carolina and Virginia (Greenville, Greensboro, Wilmington, Raleigh, Richmond, and Norfolk) can save some bucks on subs at Subway during their Tax Day customer appreciation day. On Thursday, April 15 only, sub lovers in those markets can avail themselves of a buy one foot long, get one free deal.

Chik-Fil-A – watch their Facebook page for annual event specifics (participating restaurants only)

Chili’s – watch their Facebook page for annual event specifics

16 Tax Day Deals From Retailers Like Staples and Express In addition to Tax Day food freebies and deals, GOBankingRates also found a number of offers from retailers. We found the most offers on apparel, as well as sports and outdoor gear, books, and office suppliers.

  • Alloy: A RetailMeNot-exclusive code, AVDRMN, gets shoppers 15 percent to 30 percent off purchases, with shoppers saving more as they spend more. Offer valid through April 30.
  • Ann Taylor: Get 25 percent off full-price items with the coupon code ANNT3BE, good through April 30.
  • Babies”R”Us: Shoppers can use this coupon to get $8 off Pampers or Huggies value boxes of diapers, valid through April 30.
  • Barnes & Noble: With taxes out of the way you might have time to catch up on your reading. If so, use coupon code X8W8L3A when shopping online to get 20 percent off a single item through May 1; exclusions apply.
  • Bon-Ton: Use this coupon to get $25 off when spending $75 or more through April 30.
  • Cabela’s: Shoppers can save online only during the Cyberwalk Sale, which has sporting gear and outdoor equipment marked down up to 60 percent through April 15.
  • Carter’s: Get 25 percent off purchases of $40 and up with code OKSP1514.
  • Dress Barn: Get 20 percent off a purchase by using promo code MMAR20 through April 21.
  • Express: Use coupon code 9068 online or this coupon in store to get 15 percent off through April 30. Some exclusions apply.
  • Finish Line: Through April 30, get $10 off purchases of $100 or more with coupon code APRIL10.
  • Foot Locker: Get 10 percent off when spending $50 or more online when you use code LKS10AFD through April 30.
  • Gap: Shoppers will get $25 of GapCash for every $50 spent through April 26 that can be redeemed May 13 through May 17.
  • HydroMassage: You can get a free HydroMassage experience with this coupon, valid April 13 through April 17.
  • Justice: Get 40 percent off an entire purchase through April 16 by presenting this coupon at checkout.
  • L.L.Bean: Get a $10 gift card for every $50 spent through April 19.
  • Lane Bryant: Save up to $75 with code APRILGCLB through April 22. Savings are tiered by purchase minimums; spending $75 yields a $25 discount, $150 gets you $50 off or $75 off $225.

 

 

 

Which M*A*S*H Character Are You?

April 10 marks the anniversary of Harry “Col. Sherman Potter” Morgan’s birth in 1915 as well as of Larry “Maj. Frank Burns” Linville’s death in 2000, and we’re remembering them with a quiz. Are you a Hawkeye or a Hot Lips? Col. Potter or Col. Blake? Take our M*A*S*H personality quiz and find out which character from the book, movie or TV show best matches you.

http://www.legacy.com/news/did-you-know/which-mash-character-are-you/1954/

I came out BJ Hunnicutt if you can believe that one!

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Ok Impish thanks for being patient. I’ve considered your request of suggestions/approval of signature flairs/trademarks/colorful personality traits for Mr. Blue identity and I know you well enough to know how you think and operate. This one is going to be a real sticking whining point with you isn’t it. Ah-huh! See?! There’s the tell right there! The beaten puppy look and you’re attempt to inflate you lower lip to 80 PSI and make it quiver while whimpering!

Stow it though its not going to work, I’m already on to you. Besides I’ve decided I agree with you on this. However I don’t see you as any of those presidents you cited. If I had to pick one? Maxwell Smart. MIND THE LIP INFLATION- you bloody well asked after all! OK lets get down to specifics shall we?

Overall theme: Hmm damned difficult since all the obvious ones have been done. I know! STEAMPUNK! You’re an aficionado right? PERFECT! I don’t think there’s ever been a Steampunk themed spy before and it should make for great comedy ah…err I mean cover.

However this is going to require some adjustment to things. Like what? Well no more Opel GT Viper for one, you’ll drive Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang instead. More in with the persona’s overall theme and besides it also cover short range and and water transportation as well. Don’t worry! We’ll figure out how to get D-Star in there in as Steampunk a manner as possible. One of those old Bridge to Engineering Voice Tubes should hide the electronics quite nicely and we’ll just rig the navigation to display on the windscreen. Hmm I’ve quite a collect of those old nixie digital number vacuum tubes, maybe we can digitize her dash for you.

Guess your clothes are going to require rethinking too. NO! NOT HARRODS EITHER! I see a lot of hipster & thrift stores in your future looking for Victorian era style wear. I’ll put a couple of the Fae from Purchasing on it since they are about as addicted to shopping as you were to pies. You need a cloak or better yet a Duster, maybe something like Nathan Fillian’s Brown Coat from Firefly.

Also give me back those airline cards I got you. OH QUITCHERBITCHIN ALREADY! You’re getting feckling up graded! NO, I’m not reconsidering your request for Thunderbird 2 as your personal transport! That doesn’t even exist! They were puppets! The whole model was only 1.5 foot long! Something I was playing with for the next Hot Air Balloon Festival- half hot air balloon and half Zeppelin with a huge dragon shaped crew and passenger compartment under it. Think that bad remake of the Wild Wild West with Will Smith. Ah! See? Your liking it already!

Theme song well the obvious choice is just ludicrous, no not the rapper! I mean we can’t be as obvious as to use Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang now can we? Hmm we need something that says both Steampunk & danger. Here this should do nicely-

“O’ Dead Armoured Sky” by The Synthetic Dream Foundation

 

Signature drink: Let see you’re a Dragon so lets go with a Dragon’s Breath. It’s based of a Prairie Fire which is a jigger of tequila and 10 drops of Tabasco. For our drink it’s a 4/5 jigger of Everclear Grain alcohol and 1/5 Jamaican Scotch Bonnet Pepper sauce neat.

Watch with cool tricks in it: a little hard to do with it having to be Steampunk and all. I’ll see about putting an apple watch inside a pocket watch case or something like that. Maybe I can hide a Bluetooth head set in your goggles somehow to go with it. Make sure it takes pictures too? I’m not sure iWatches do that, but your fountain pen will along with write and dispense either acid or poison.

You want the car to talk to you? Like KITT in Knight Rider in case you get lonely? Dude you’ll have the Nav system and D-Star. IF you’re going to be that lonely I’ll assign you a partner/pet  either a Ninja cat, Brutus has been making noise about getting out of the complaint department and stretching his claws so to speak or Sylvia the Sphinx, which do you prefer? A little alone time never hurt anyone? Good choice!

Personal private code like Our Man Flint? Dude seriously? You speak what 4 different mythical languages not counting Dragonese? Just use one already-instant code! What ASS has evil mythical creatures on their side already? I suppose its possible, I mean I wouldn’t put it past Harpies to be working for them. I know, just use your Jersey accent while speaking the mythical language. Hell half the US can’t understand English spoken with a Jersey accent so we should be good to go then.

Really cool personal weapon (cites reference to Man From Uncle pistols) got you covered dude and its already Steampunked out.

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You’d better take damned fine care of it too because it holds a special place in my heart, see it’s the first weapon I ever designed under my Armageddon Advanced Armaments label. What’s it do? Well it will do a lot of different thing depending on how its set, but for now I’ve locked it in its safest non deadly mode- The Somnambulizer.

The Somnambulizer? Well it sort of puts people to sleep but a sleep level where they are more biddable and mobile. Sort of umm…like sleepwalking. They’re asleep but they’ll follow limited brief instructions. You can’t make them drive 100 miles home and go to bed but you could shoot a guy in a hallway and make him go back to his office and sleep for a couple hours. Or you could shoot a guard and have him remain standing at his post asleep and oblivious as long as you don’t wake him or startle him. Understand?

NO!-NOT-LIKE-THAT!-THE-OTHER-WAY! THAT’S-BACKWAYS!-KEEP-YOUR- FINGER-OFF…the trigger…. WHUMP! Clatter (Lethal sighs disgustedly and retrieves the weapon) Impish! You’ll get up off the floor and dance the Stroll all the way back to your office where you’ll curl up on your daybed and nap until lunch time. Do it now please.

Impish picks himself up off the floor and proceeds to to the 50’s line dance The Stroll out of the Conference Room and as evidenced by the giggles on down the hall to the elevator. Lethal mutters to himself while making notes to revisit MR Blue’s theme song and perhaps change it to the more appropriate “Wipeout”

 

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Well I had thought to keep this header under wraps for a few more months but since yet another clowns has declared early I guess I can’t wait any longer.

Kentucky Tea Party’s Rand Paul joins 2016 presidential race

I’ll let you read the article if you want I’m only going to quote the 2 paragraphs that made his announcement, to me comment worthy:

Perhaps reflecting the challenges he faces in convincing his critics he deserves the nomination, Paul is also leaving open the door to a second term in the Senate. With the backing of his state’s senior senator, Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, Paul is likely to seek the White House and the Senate seat at the same time.

One of his likely presidential rivals, Sen. Marco Rubio of Florida, has said he would not double-dip on the ballot. He is expected to announce next week that he will skip a Senate re-election bid in 2016 in favor of putting everything into a presidential campaign.

Double dipping smacks of professional politician something founding fathers never envisioned or would have agreed with and a certain level of insincerity and lack of belief in his chances. If that’s so, then why is he throwing his name in the ring in the first place?

Republican Rubio starts White House bid, says ‘uniquely qualified’

(Reuters) – U.S. Senator Marco Rubio of Florida told top donors on Monday that he will run for the White House because he is “uniquely qualified” to represent the Republican Party in the 2016 presidential race, a source familiar with the matter said.

Rubio, a son of Cuban immigrants who rode the anti-establishment Tea Party wave of 2010 to national prominence, will formally announce his presidential bid later on Monday with a speech at Miami’s Freedom Tower.

Rubio’s support registers in single digits in opinion polls of the likely contenders in what is expected to be a crowded Republican presidential field. But aides believe Rubio, who was on 2012 nominee Mitt Romney’s short list for vice president, will rise when voters take a closer look at him.

He will be the third Republican to formally announce a White House bid, following Republican Senators Ted Cruz of Texas and Rand Paul of Kentucky.

While he owes his success to the Tea Party movement, Rubio also has drawn support from more traditional party elements as well as the libertarian-leaning network assembled by billionaire Charles and David Koch.

His effort to overhaul the United States’ immigration system could be a sticking point for Republican conservatives, many of whom view any move to grant legal status to undocumented workers as “amnesty.”

Rubio worked with Senate Democrats to pass a sweeping immigration reform bill in 2013 that bolstered border security and guest-worker programs with a pathway to citizenship for those now in the country illegally. The measure died in the Republican-controlled House of Representatives.

Rubio now says any immigration reforms must be passed piece by piece, with border security coming first, a position more in line with other Republican lawmakers. But he talks frequently about the central role immigrants play in revitalizing the United States.

Between Rubio & Cruz it seems like the Cubans what their turn for a minority President handing them all the things they have wanted while others pay for it.

Hillary Clinton enters 2016 race

Again read it if you’d like I’m just going to quote a pertinent section and make my comment about that and add 2 thoughts:

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio, a longtime Clinton ally who managed her campaign for Senate in 2000, said Sunday that he was in no rush to endorse her.

De Blasio said he would wait to endorse any Democrat “until I see an actual vision of where they want to go.” Speaking on NBC’s “Meet the Press,” he offered kind words for Clinton, but added, “We need to see the substance.”

My Comment: Wow! Major league bad starting sign when one of your former campaign managers won’t back you!

My Two Thoughts:  Benghazi & Email gate. Can she really be trusted as President?

You know in retrospect I just might have to change the name of this feature from “Clown in Chief Campaign” to “The Usual Suspect Suspects Line Up for the Presidency

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Indiana Governor Mike Pence signed the Religious Freedom Act that allows businesses to refuse service to people based on their religious beliefs.

The Top 5 Overheard During the Signing of Indiana’s Religious Freedom Act

  1. “This law AND those drapes are gonna have to go.”
  2. “Curse your very tongue! Xargol the Seven-Teated-One forbids barbecue sauce upon a pizza! Be gone, blasphemer!”
  3. “After we sign this, people of all religions will get along just fine from now on, right?”
  4. “You mean this law could feasibly cover ALL sinners? Where will the government officials go to eat now?”

And the Number One Thing Overheard During the Signing of Indiana’s Religious Freedom Act…

  1. “Big deal. I work for the DMV, where we discriminate against *everybody*.”

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And YES, Impish, “Et tu Leprechaun!” There’ve been plenty of Texas jokes in your issues its about time a little egg decorated the faces of you Hoosiers!

 

 

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Bacon-and-Egg Potato Salad

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Ingredients

2 pounds small red-skinned potatoes, quartered
1 pound bacon, chopped
2 large eggs
2 tablespoons red wine vinegar
3/4 cup mayonnaise
3 tablespoons whole-grain mustard
6 scallions, finely chopped
1 medium red onion, diced
1 tablespoon sugar
Kosher salt and freshly ground pepper

Directions

Put the potatoes in a medium saucepan and cover with cold water. Bring to a boil, then reduce the heat to medium and cook until fork-tender, about 15 minutes. Meanwhile, sauté the bacon in a skillet over low heat until crispy, about 12 minutes. Drain on paper towels. (In a hurry? Use precooked bacon- 3 minutes or less in microwave and its ready to use) Yes Impish you can use turkey bacon.

Put the eggs in a small saucepan and cover with cold water. Bring to a boil, then remove from the heat, cover and let stand 6 minutes. Drain and run under cold water to cool; peel and chop.

Drain the potatoes (do not rinse), transfer to a baking sheet and let cool 6 to 8 minutes. In a small bowl, combine the vinegar, mayonnaise, mustard, scallions, red onion, sugar, and salt and pepper to taste. Transfer the potatoes to a large bowl and add the bacon and hard-cooked eggs; fold in the mayonnaise mixture. Serve at room temperature.

I add some chopped celery heart (leaves included) or celery, parsley  if I don’t have celery hearts plus a little dill. This also works well with leftover spiral sliced ham and I’ve even seen it done a couple times with Spam as a cold dinner on a hot day. That’s diced yellow pepper on top in the photo but a diced red, yellow or orange pepper would make a colorful addition. Lastly I like to use a 1/2 cup of mayo and a 1/4 cup of sour cream as it gives it more of a loaded baked potato flavor.

Yes Impish low fat mayo or plain Greek yogurt is ok in place of the mayo!


Broccoli & Noodles Supreme

Great fast side for Chicken Pork Sausage or Fish. For a one dish meal add canned chicken or tuna at the end. Try it with peas & carrots instead of broccoli. Use Cream of Mushroom in place of Cream of chicken or toss in a can of sliced mushrooms to kick it up. Finally to really impress garnish each serving with toasted bread crumb topping.

Campbell's Broccoli & Noodles Supreme Recipe

Prep 10 min.

Total 35 min.

Serves 5

(about 1 1/4 cups each)

Cook: 25 min.

 

The trick to this simply delicious recipe is that the broccoli and noodles cook together…mixed with a creamy, cheesy sauce, this 35-minute dish is really good!

What You’ll Need

6 ounces (about 3 cups) uncooked medium egg noodles
2 cups fresh or frozen broccoli florets
1 can (10 1/2 ounces) Condensed Cream of Chicken Soup or Fat Free Cream of Chicken Soup (if you’re a dragon eating healthy)
1/2 cup sour cream (Dragon tip: Don’t use low fat- it breaks too easily when heated)
1/3 cup grated Parmesan cheese
1/8 teaspoon ground black pepper

How to Make It

  • 1 Cook the noodles according to the package directions. Add the broccoli for the last 5 minutes of cooking time. Drain the noodle mixture well in a colander. Return the noodle mixture to the saucepan.
  • 2 Stir the soup, sour cream, cheese and black pepper in the saucepan and cook over medium heat until the mixture is hot and bubbling, stirring often.

 

Skillet Chicken and Ravioli

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Ingredients

Kosher salt
1 9 -ounce package small cheese ravioli
2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil, plus more for drizzling
1 1/4 pounds skinless, boneless chicken breasts, cut into chunks
Freshly ground pepper
8 ounces white mushrooms, sliced in thirds or fourths
1 cup halved cherry tomatoes
2 cloves garlic, thinly sliced
2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
1/3 cup low-sodium chicken broth
2 tablespoons grated parmesan cheese
1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley, basil or a combination

Directions

Bring a pot of salted water to a boil. Add the ravioli and cook as the label directs; drain, then drizzle with olive oil and toss.

Meanwhile, season the chicken with salt and pepper. Heat 1 tablespoon olive oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add the chicken; cook, undisturbed, until beginning to brown, about 2 minutes. Continue to cook, stirring, 1 more minute. Transfer to a plate.

Heat the remaining 1 tablespoon olive oil in the skillet. Add the mushrooms and cook, undisturbed, until browned in spots, about 2 minutes. Season with salt and continue to cook, stirring, until softened, about 3 more minutes.

Stir in the tomatoes, garlic and vinegar and cook until the tomatoes begin to soften, about 2 minutes. Return the chicken to the skillet, then add the ravioli, broth and parmesan; bring to a simmer and cook, stirring occasionally, until the chicken is cooked through, about 4 minutes. Top with the parsley.

Works well with Chicken Sausage (slice after cooking before returning to pan), sliced Smoked Sausage/Kielbasa, or Boneless pork chops cut in pieces as well. If you use spinach & cheese ravioli then you can use ham and substitute about 1/3 – 1/2 cup of jarred Alfredo sauce for the balsamic vinegar.

Flourless Peanut Butter Cookies

Here’s one for “Mr. Healthy” which I’m sure much to his horror he’ll be asking the kitchen to make in sort order.

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Total Time: 20 min
Prep: 10 min
Cook: 10 min
Yield: 18 cookies
Level: Easy

 

 

 

 

Ingredients

1 cup natural peanut butter
1 cup sugar
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1 large egg, lightly beaten
Coarse sea salt, for sprinkling

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F and place the racks in the upper and lower third of the oven.
In a medium bowl, mix the peanut butter, sugar, vanilla and egg until well combined. Spoon 1 tablespoon of the mixture about 1 inch apart onto ungreased baking sheets. Flatten the mounds with the tines of a fork, making a crosshatch pattern on the cookies. Sprinkle coarse salt on top of the cookies.
Bake until golden around the edges, about 10 minutes, switching the position of the sheets halfway through baking. Transfer to racks to cool. Repeat with the remaining dough.

Don McLean Explains The Meaning Of ‘American Pie’

Don McLean’s manuscript for “American Pie” went up for auction at Christie’s on Tuesday and sold for $1.2 million, and though he’s never really spoken publicly about the song’s cryptic meaning, he somewhat spilled the beans in the auction house’s catalog.

“Basically, in ‘American Pie’ things are heading in the wrong direction,” McLean said in the interview. “It is becoming less ideal, less idyllic. I don’t know whether you consider that wrong or right, but it is a morality song in a sense. I was around in 1970 and now I am around in 2015 … there is no poetry and very little romance in anything anymore, so it is really like the last phase of ‘American Pie.'”

McLean has been cagey about the song for decades, but has always insisted that “American Pie” was inspired by musicians Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and J.P “The Big Bopper” Richardson, who died in a tragic plane crash on Feb. 3, 1959. It became known as “the day the music died.” But McLean never explained the song’s 800-plus words, which he wrote 13 years after the accident. “That song didn’t just happen,” McLean had said in 1982. “It grew out of my experiences. ‘American Pie’ was part of my process of self-awakening; a mystical trip into my past.”

In the recent Christie’s interview, he now calls the track “an indescribable photograph of America that I tried to capture in words and music.”

 

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Tale of the IDIOT

When last we left our inept intrepid hero his cat had sabotaged him by slipping him a mickey in the form of a pot of Decafe coffee.

Zzzzzzzzzznork. Whaza? March you say? How the hell did that happen?

My superpowers return. Coffee! Coffee! Coffee! Sparkly! Sparkly! Sparkly! …what do you mean I could always fly, Cat?

Oh, wings, right. Well, bother.

Realized that my coffee odyssey has been entirely in my head. Went outside and found it’s still winter! Back to coffee for me.

Something strange going on with winter out there. Today Tiamat’s Witnesses showed up on dog sled! Had to wade through chest deep snow to ated them. BTW, let dogs go.

Had strange little goat-man show up at cave door looking for a wardrobe full of children. Ated him.

Feeling strangely bad about ateding goat-man. Thought twice before munching on wardrobe full of children. Ated it anyway.

Giant steroidal lion showed up to chew me out about ateding goat-man and the wardrobe children. Ated him, of course. He was delicious. I love being a dragon!

Pale witch-lady came to thank me for eating giant lion and wardrobe children. Offered me job. Don’t need job, but I’d always wanted to ated a witch… Tasted like vanilla ice-cream. Strangest thing though, after I ated her, a warm wind came up from south and the snow started to melt…

So, after the wind came up from the south I had an invasion of talking mice. Cat ated them.

Had Enchanted Forest Board Meeting tonight. Arrrrrgh! Thinking I will be ateding several board members soon as service to community.

More damned white stuff falling from the sky. Cat has suggested we move from Enchanted Forest to Enchanted Tropical Island.

 

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Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1430


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(Mumbling under his breath) I WANT MEAT!!! REAL FOOD!!! The stuff with smoky fat dripping down my chin bad for me ness. No more of this Tofu pizza and veggie burgers!  Salad? That’s nothing but Rabbit food! And with lite dressing besides?  LITE BEER!!!??? Half Decafe Coffee??? It takes me all day just to get my brain out of low gear of Half Decafe!
Oh my Goddess Tiamat, what has that evil hearted Gunnery Sargent done to me?

Eating healthy sucks!  It doesn’t even taste good! Hell it doesn’t even taste! Cardboard would be a step up in taste.

It’s not enough that I know I’m in the best shape I’ve ever been in in my whole life.  It’s not enough that I’m stronger, faster, and leaner.  That I’m a better fighter, flyer, dancer …

While Impish is thinking of his plight and wanting to order something really awesome off the menu in the staff kitchen, Diaman and Ginny walked through the dining room, leered at the blue dragon and said, “Looking good Impish!”  “Mmm, looking yummy blue dragon!”

Impish turned back to the waitress and sighs saying, “I’ll have the Dragon size portion grilled chicken salad with lite ranch dressing and an unsweetened iced tea to drink.”

Just as Impish was finishing up, dabbing delicately at his mouth with a cloth napkin the size of a beach towel, Lethal sits down, grabs a waitress, orders a Muslim’s Nightmare BLT Club with cheese fries and a Bass Ale, slaps the waitress on the ass.  She leans down, kisses him on the cheek and sashays into the kitchen to fix his order.  She quickly brings back his drink and Lethal watches her leave before he begins speaking.

“You know, with the Party Hall almost complete, the Gate House Pub open, a good portion of the recreation areas open and some of the mythical and magical creatures moving into their accommodations, we’re already receiving threats and problems with some of the diplomats.  The bloody Infernal Revenue Skeevers are trying to weasel their auditors into a position to give the books for the project a right proper Spanish Inquisition to see where the money came from and who contributed so they have proof for the Flannel suits at State that this isn’t a Diplomatic Mission. If that happens we’ll not have our sovereign soil status!

Then there’s FBI, CIA, DEA and any number of ASSHATS are trying to get inside and put moles and all manner of nasty little spying devices in the different offices and locations.  It’s all Nameless and his staff can do to keep up with the background checks and physical security. That, by the way, doesn’t even begin to address the issue of staff the others are bringing with them that might be a security risk already in place, just the anticipated new hires!

Even the Erlking is beginning to gripe and grump about having to have his hounds patrol the property at night and you know how he lives to hunt! Says the hounds are getting fat and sluggish from eating all those they catch that he doesn’t turn into hounds!

 

Lethal sips his ale contemplatively, wrinkles his brow and grumbles, “I’m telling you Impish something has got to give they’re pushing and its high time we shoved back and bloodied they’re big brother fecking noses or better yet broke a few o’  them outright.”

 “We need an organization that can put itself between our mythical and magical ambassadors and clientele and the big business interests, terrorists and governmental powers that wish to take over everything.  They all want to diddle their fingers in our panties like we’re a bunch of sluts and we need to stop them colder than a catholic school girl virgin on her first date.”

“Too right you are mate.  I’ve been thinking about our conversation from the other day and I think there is an opportunity here, where DL&LL Enterprises can make a tidy profit while making a difference for the magical community and more importantly, we can thereby improve our standing in it and our power base.”

He pauses while his meal shows up, takes a huge bite out of his Muslim’s Nightmare BLT Club and blurts out, “Diverse (Mythical) Races Against (Mundane) Governments Overthrowing our Neutrality.”

Impish considers his words carefully, “You know, it’s amazing that I could actually hear those parentheses in your words, but if I got that right then you’re talking about D.R.A.G.O.N.  So, I would be the Dragon from D.R.A.G.O.N.?  No.  That doesn’t sound right.  But, since I’d be doing an awful lot of the work in my human form, I really could be…

Wait for it….

The MAN from D.R.A.G.O.N.!

Napoleon Solo and Illya Kuryakin eat your heart out! D.R.A.G.O.N. beats the shit out of U.N.C.L.E.!  Makes it sound like you’re giving up all the time!”

Impish rolls around in his chair giggling like a little kid and Lethal grabs his head and whispers, “What the bloody hell have I gone and started now?”

 

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This is my kind of cat!  The perfect watch… um.. dog?

 

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Another golf joke for my dad, Papa Dragon Most Senior…sort of.

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”
The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”
The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.”
“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”
“Tiger Woods.”
“Tiger Woods, the golfer?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
“What are you doing?” asks the wife.
The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. “Now what are you doing?” she asks.
The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.” golf
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it again.”
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”
No! I’m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.

 

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Yes, I have a lot of cousins and yes, many of them are quite … um … goofy.  This is Hubert.  He is in the employ of DL&LL.  He is a member of the air borne early warning system.  He has a radio that goes to the head of the early warning system (not to me or anyone else of importance!) and he calls in what he sees.  If he stops talking the supervisor is supposed to listen for an explosion and a crash.  If he just hears the crash he knows that Hubert has hit the ground again on his own.  If there is a crash and then an explosion, that means that he landed on something explosive and he is to notify the insurance department.  Only if he hears an explosion and then a crash is he to send another dragon to investigate.  But even then, it’s usually a small aircraft that he’s hit, at which point, you guessed it, we contact the insurance department.  Sometimes it’s easier to just eat your relatives than it is to employ them.

 

Okay, so this one is another golf joke for dad…Papa Dragon Most Senior…sort of.

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the following question…

WIFE: “What would you do if I died? would you get married again?”
HUSBAND: “Definitely not!”
WIFE: “Why not? don’t you like being married?”
HUSBAND: “Of course I do..”
WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
HUSBAND: “Okay, okay, I’d get married again.”
WIFE: “You would?” (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) 
WIFE: “Would you live in our house?”
HUSBAND: “Sure, it’s a great house.”
WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”
WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?”
HUSBAND: “Probably, it is almost new.”
WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”
HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
WIFE: “Would you give her my jewellery?”
HUSBAND: “No, I’m sure she’d want her own.”
WIFE: “Would you take her golfing with you?”
HUSBAND: “Yes, those are always good times.”
WIFE: “Would she use my clubs?”
HUSBAND: “No, she’s left-handed.”
WIFE: — Long silence —
HUSBAND: “Damn

 

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Star Wars or Star Trek?  Star Trek or Star Wars?  For some, it’s a big deal.  One or the other.  For others, both are good.  And for a few, they couldn’t care less.  Here’s a really nice comparison.  What do you think?
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Here are the next installments in this brand new section.  I hope you enjoy.
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A  cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, ‘You  have been a good cat all these years.  Anything  you want is yours for the asking.’

The cat thought for a minute and  then said ‘All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden  floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.’

God said,  ‘Say no more.’ Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow. 

A  few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to  Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that  He made to the cat.

The mice said, ‘Well, we have had to run all of  our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could  just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run  again.’
God  answered, ‘It is done.’ All the mice had beautiful roller  skates.

About  a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep  on her fluffy pillow.. God gently awakened the cat and asked, ‘Is  everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?’

The  cat replied, ‘Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my  life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have  been sending over are delicious!’

 

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An English Clergyman turned to a Scotchman and asked: “What would you be if you were not Scot?”

The Scotchman said: “Why, an Englishman, of course!”

Then the clergyman turned to a gentleman from Ireland and asked him: “And what would you be were you not an Irishman?”

Lethal Leprechaun thought a moment and said: “I’d be ashamed of myself!”

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Some of our kids at recess.

 

I know I shouldn’t do this.  I did it last week and I had rotten tomatoes and other over ripe fruit thrown at me, but I can’t help it.  And again, like last week, you guys should be blaming K2!

FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH

Who  thinks up these things!!!!!!!!!!!!

His  dizzy aunt ———————————————— Verti Gogh

The  brother who ate prunes——————————— Gotta Gogh

The  brother who worked at a convenience store ——Stop N Gogh

The  grandfather from Yugoslavia —————————– U Gogh

His  magician uncle ——————————–  Where-diddy Gogh

His  Mexican cousin —————————————-  A Mee Gogh

The  Mexican cousin’s American half-brother ———— Gring Gogh

The  nephew who drove a stage coach —————– Wells-far Gogh

The  constipated uncle —————————————- Can’t Gogh

The  ballroom dancing aunt ———————————- Tang Gogh

The  bird lover uncle —————————————- Flamin Gogh

An  aunt who taught positive thinking —————— Way-to-Gogh

The  little bouncy nephew ————————————- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco ————————————— Go Gogh

And  his niece who travels the country in an RV — Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling . . .. there ya Gogh!

 

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This is just too cute for words.  I was looking for something else and clicked on this one as a whim.  Ten minutes of adorable kids and animals…well, one scary one with an aligator, but other than that, good fun.

 

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Okay, so it was bound to happen…another sorta golf joke for my dad.

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

 
All of a sudden . .POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, “I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life… as a matter of fact, you won’t have any butter for anything the rest of your life!”
THEN POOF!….she was gone.
After Dave got hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. “Fred, where are you?” Fred yells back, “I’m over here, in the pussy willows.”
Dave yells back…… “DON’T SWING, FRED!!! For the love of God, DON’T SWING!!!”

 

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Everybody loves the animal pictures.
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If you look closely at the top of the stairs, someone, or something is pushing this poor cat to start the tumble.  I wonder if this is a ninja kitty test and one of the ninja kitty instructors is pushing this one down the stairs to start some sort of test.  Lethal might know the answer to this one.

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I’m sure there is a logical explanation for this, but I’m sure I can’t figure it out.

 

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An elderly couple reaching their 70s are about to get married, but before they say their vows, the woman wanted to talk.

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She said: “I want to keep my house.

He said: “That’s fine with me.”

She said: “I want to keep my Cadillac.

He said: “That’s fine with me.”

She said: “And I want to have sex 6 times a week.

He said: “Put me down for Fridays.

 

 

 

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I used to be that friend.

 

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Here at DL&LL Enterprises, we take our community involvement very seriously.  We try to keep you, our beloved campers, as up to date on the important things as we can.  This newest warning has just come out:

E-Bay Users Beware!  Be very careful with E-Bay!  PLEASE BE AWARE AND TAKE NOTE OF E-BAY TRADERS NOT SELLING AS ADVERTISED.

I’ve been scammed! 

I was trying to order a blow up doll as an April Fool’s joke for Lethal and this is what they sent me…

 

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Not at all what I expected nor what was advertised.

 

 

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Continuing on our journey of Holy Shit…

Holy S9

Holy S10

Holy S11

Holy S12

Holy S13

 

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
“Quick,” said the woman to the lover “into the closet!” and she pushed him in the closet stark naked.
The husband became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. “Who are you?” he demanded.
“I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone” said the exterminator.
“What are you doing in there?” the husband asked.
“I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths” the man replied.
“And where are your clothes?” asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said “Those little bastards!”

 

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Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Leprechaun Laughs # 294 for Wednesday April 8th 2015


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What?! Lent is over- you didn’t think I’d fell the need to catch up? You have any idea how many ale and whiskey distilleries count on my business to keep them afloat? Lets not even talk about what effect my ‘going on the dry’ would have on the economies of multiple nations! The only more financially disastrous thing I can think of would be if Impish and I gave up coffee overnight.

Speaking of the nearly electrocuted and braised lizard if you think I’m bad having a few wee nips you should see how he’s been making up for lost time!

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 To celebrate his return to us addiction free, Impish, the girls and I went over to the gatehouse’s pub, (you’ll learn more about the Gatehouse later in the issue) for a bit of a catch up.

Impish ordered off the menu asking for a ‘Bloody Spicy with everything’. Then he specified V-8 juice not Bloody Mary mix or Tomato juice winking at the bar maid and saying something about his daily veggie requirement. My jaw nearly hit me pint glass o Guinness when I heard that and the magpie Diaman and Ginny actually went silent for a full 15 seconds!

This was the drink he got. He had four of them before his burgers and fries arrived.

When I say burgers and fries this is what I’m talking about:

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Three of those burgers (for which he actually inquired about having them swap the Kobi beef for vegi-burgers and even specified the vegetarian chili on the burger and the 2# platters of fries plus low fat cheese and whole multigrain buns! As if this wasn’t already nearly knocking us off our barstools he forewent his usual threat about eating the waitress if he saw anything that had come out of a garden on his plate and asked if he could trade the Lettuce Tomato and Onion from all 3 and turn it into a tossed salad! I swear you could have knock me cold with a fairy’s wing when I heard that one!

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There was also the yard of light beer he ordered to wash them down. That’s it there on the right side. For comparison the glass 3rd from the right is a standard Pint (16 oz.) bar glass. Seriously light beer?! Diaman & Ginny are starting to think that electric fence caused him some brain damage! Personally I suspect he’s running some sort of guilt trip or grift- possibly pie related.

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Now I’ll grant you Impish offered up an I suppose plausible explanation for some of this, (I say I suppose its plausible because I don’t quite know enough about Dragon physiology- yet to say if he’s bagging me or not). His explanation was that he needed all that spice and grease to induce an epic case o’ heart burn to rekindle/jump start his internal fire furnace biology after shutting it down during his escape attempt.

Impish claims that when we get to the next installment of his diary next week his assertions will be upheld and proven completely truthful.

I was almost ready to buy this story (despite the fact that ‘completely truthful’ when used in conjunction with Impish Dragon constitutes and oxymoron) until about 3 hours later I came across him having a pizza snack- 6 “virgin pizzas” made with ‘Fra Diavolo’ sauce (Fra Diavolo = Brother Devil. Sort of a super spicy Marinara made with fresh tomatoes and hot red cherry peppers). I caught up with him managing to get this picture of it just before he started in on this last one. I figured this was just Impish trying the hide his reversion to gluttony and making up for lost diet until I managed to snag a slice of the pizza and discovered it had a whole wheat thin crust!

Obviously our Dragon isn’t any too worse for the wear from his ‘ordeals’…. uh I think.  Now if you’ll excuse me I feel a touch on indigestions just from the ‘Fra Diavolo’ sauce. I’m off to find some Bromo-Seltzer and…. (frowns at a text message he just got) Apparently I need to approve the location of an all organic vegetable garden Impish want to put in as it conflicts with something on the master build plans for our new facilities. Sigh! I wonder if Bromo makes a decent mixer with Irish Whiskey? I have the feeling I’ll be needing a lot of both this day!

Enjoy the issue.

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Since Impish sort of totally ignored the fact that last Sunday was in fact Easter, I thought I’d just put a little something religious but yet entertaining in today to mark the occasion. Beside both Impish and I have recently been blessed with our wives more or less successfully battling potentially serious illnesses and we should be giving thanks.

This is one of my favorite religious songs, though not my favorite version which I’m having trouble locating. If I find it I’ll post it later in the issue.

 

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With regard to Impish’s Final Word from Last Week which consisted of an email from Ginny entitled “The Train of Life”. I too received it from Ginny and I responded to her taking (as usual) a differing point of view from Impish apparently. In all fairness had I remembered to “CC:” Impish in on my comment he might have elected to include it in his Final Word so I wanted to share my comment on the ‘The Train of Life” with you as well-

 

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In a crowded airliner a five-year-old boy is throwing a wild temper
tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to
try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick
the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane,  Lethal Leprechaun slowly
walks forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an
upraised hand, the Lethal leans down and whispers something into
the boy’s ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and
quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into
spontaneous applause. As the Leprechaun slowly makes his way back to
his seat, one of the stewardesses takes him by the sleeve.

“Excuse me, Sir,” she says quietly, “but what magic words did
you use on that little boy?”

The Lethal smiles sagely and gently says,
“Lass I just told him if he didn’t cut that shite out, I’d be kicking his
fooking arse to the bloody moon.”

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Molly’s Follow up visit to her Doctor went very well. Her Doctor did note the internally she is healing at a somewhat slower rate than was normal and Molly confessed to my two steps forward one step back theory admitting to ‘possibly’ pushing her boundaries at times a bit too much. The doctor took her off the prescription pain killers and told her to use OTC ones stating that maybe if the penalty for misbehavior was higher she’d do it less often. A doctor who espouses my ‘Molly Philosophy’, ya just gotta love her!

She has been clear to return to work starting next Monday, though I have it on good authority from an inside source that she’ll only be working half days from the shop for the first week back and watched closely for signs of pain or fatigue.

Again Molly and I want to thank those of you who have sent well wishes prayers and moral support during this time. However at the moment Mrs. Dragon is currently in need of them far more than Molly at this point and we would ask that you do the same for her.

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With all the food and what not over the Easter weekend I doubt that you will be wanting very much in the way of recipes this week, unless they have to do with using up ham & hard boiled eggs.

On that subject let me just say that deviled ham & egg spread rocks, not only as a sandwich filling, but goes well atop lunch salads or spread on toasted English muffins or bagels for breakfast. It even makes dynamite potato salad if you like your potato salad with egg in it

DEVILED EGG AND HAM SALAD

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1 c. cubed ham (5 oz.)
1/2 c. finely chopped green pepper
1/4 c. finely chopped green onion
1/3 c. mayonnaise
1/4 tsp. ground red pepper
1 tbsp. vinegar
1 1/2 tsp. prepared mustard
6 hard boiled eggs
4 large lettuce leaves
4 medium tomatoes, each cut into 8 wedges

In medium bowl, combine ham, green pepper, onion, mayonnaise, red pepper, vinegar and mustard. Mix until well blended. Set aside. Separate hard cooked egg yolk from whites. Place yolks in small bowl. Mash and stir into ham mixture. Chop egg whites and stir into ham mixture. Let stand 10 minutes to blend flavors

I like to toss some with shredded bag lettuce and radish sprouts then fill pita pockets with it garnishing with pickle and cherry tomato slices. If taking to work pack the wet filling and garnishes separate from the pitas (I put the garnishes on top to the filled in a single container and use the lid to hold the garnishes  until ready for them

Banana Crunch Muffins

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Total Time: 45 min
Prep: 20 min
Cook: 25 min
Yield: 18 large muffins
Level: Easy

 

 

 

Ingredients

3 cups all-purpose flour
2 cups sugar
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 pound unsalted butter, melted and cooled
2 extra-large eggs
3/4 cup whole milk
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
1 cup mashed ripe bananas (2 bananas)
1 cup medium-diced ripe bananas (1 banana)
1 cup small-diced walnuts
1 cup granola
1 cup sweetened shredded coconut
Dried banana chips, granola, or shredded coconut, optional

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.
Line 18 large muffin cups with paper liners. Sift the flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, and salt into the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with a paddle attachment. Add the melted butter and blend. Combine the eggs, milk, vanilla, and mashed bananas, and add them to the flour-and-butter mixture. Scrape the bowl and blend well. Don’t over mix.
Fold the diced bananas, walnuts, granola, and coconut into the batter. Spoon the batter into the paper liners, filling each 1 to the top. Top each muffin with dried banana chips, granola, or coconut, if desired. Bake for 25 to 30 minutes, or until the tops are brown and a toothpick comes out clean. Cool slightly, remove from the pan, and serve.

 

I forgot this next one last week when we were on the subject of condiments and such

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If any one wants to save this Cheat sheet I can upload it someplace for you to download. Just leave a request in the comments and I’ll post a link to it.

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Until you see it. Still not seeing it? I’ll give you a hint- pay attention to the background. I’ll post a better hint at the end of the issue for those who need more help. Mean while if anyone recognizes any of the ladies I’d very much like an intro or a name and contact number, especially the one 2nd from left in back row!

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 Introspection Outside the Box

Sen. Ted Cruz announced his presidential campaign at Liberty University before a packed crowd of students who were forced to attend or risked paying a fine.

The Top 5 Things Overheard During Ted Cruz’s Announcement

  1. “Are you sure this isn’t just another senior prank?”
  2. “How many chances does one get to witness the beginning of the end of a political party?”
  3. “I loved his sister Penelope in ‘Vanilla Sky.’ Can I vote for her?”
  4. “If it’s OK for him to shut down the government, it’s OK for me to shut down his microphone.”

And the Number One Thing Overheard During Ted Cruz’s Announcement…

  1. “I never thought I’d say this as a student at Liberty University, but I think I need a drink.”

I fully agree with Comment #1 in principle but I disagree that a single drink is going to be enough. I think I’ll be drinking quite steadily through his entire campaign. Here’s hoping it’s a short one- my liver can’t take all the drinks it used to.

Found that favorite version of “Oh Happy Day” I was talking about!

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A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain,the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. Addressing the Harley rider, he says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.”

The Harley rider replies,”Why, it was nothing, really.

The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.”

The reporter says, “ Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed . I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?”

The biker replies, “I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.”

The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

” U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!”

And that pretty much sums up the media’s approach to the news these days.

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We’ve gotten a few questions lately about the progress on the Santa provided at Ginny’s Christmas wish Recreation and Party Center. As several people have noted Memorial Day is practically around the corner. Sadly I have to say that I doubt the facilities will be full finished for Memorial Day despite the progress we’ve made. as we’ve had several delays due to unforeseen circumstances.

Impish, who was helping the dwarves with the construction of the necessary caves and tunnels, as you know was first government napped, then required an intervention for his pie addiction, followed by a subsequent involuntary committal to get the job of breaking his addiction done.

There was also the second delay resulting from Impish’s kidnapping where the large perimeter security wall was swiftly built as well as the building for the Embassies of the other mythical realms and quarters for other mythical creatures of legendary note with diplomatic status. Now I know your asking why this was so important as to interrupt a party facility and the answer is simple- if we cannot stay in the mundane realm safely we can’t stay at all which means there isn’t a need for the party facility any longer. Understand? OK moving on then!

However this isn’t to say that we have nothing to show for our efforts to date. Here is a shot of the Entry way gate house to the new facility.

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The upper portion that resembles a covered bridge/walkway is exactly that and will mate up with the aerial tramway accessed from the lobby of our Corporate HQ building.

It terminates just out side the Gatehouse Pub which you saw a photo of the outside patio area of in the opening.

The water feature you see is part of a tubing excursion you can take through part of the Recreational Center and down to the our side pond.

 

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 Here is a look at a completed section of the grotto area which can be switched into or out of the tube ride depending on ride usage and number of people in the grotto.

That is a 48” big screen TV in the distance you see and the edge of a service bar just behind the lanterns where you can ever get your drinks delivered to waters edge.

Finally if you walk past the lanterns and turn left you come to our first completed non cave like party  and conference area-

 

 

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The coal stove fireplace is completely functional as is the bar and the bar sized professional staffed kitchen behind the door just visible at the right end of the bar. There is another bar at the opposite end of the room and the room can comfortably accommodate roughly 50 people with room for entertainment:

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The Answer

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In case you can’t make it out the sign reads “Assumption College Deep Throat Competition”!

We’ll pause for a minute until the male perverts among our readership can get a FIGURATIVE grip on themselves after that revelation.  IMPISH! PAUL(s) (BOTH OF YOU) and you too K2! I SAID FIGURATIVE grip on yourselves!

Ginny you stop encouraging them too! SHEESH!

Tale of the IDIOT

When last we left Impish he had just discovered the delectable treat known as Trollscouts and was pondering creating Dragonscouts to assure a steady supply of good eats.

Still thinking about dragonscouts but torn between treating them as snack-packs and teaching them to be good little dragons.

Cat has suggested merit badges in horde-lying, knight-toasting, general ateding, and cat-coddling.

White stuff has fallen from the sky again. Am starting to think there’s some sort of plot—maybe pointy face horse is going to use it as camouflage. Cat is attempting hibernation, perhaps I should join him…

Had board meeting today. Ated someone that disagreed with me. That should solve that problem. Very satisfying.

Cat awake—eight pounds. Cat asleep on my chest—so heavy I can’t get up even though I routinely throw around twenty-to-thirty tons. Bemused.

Have Enchanted Forest Board meeting tonight but there’s SNOW! Dontwanna! Cat curled up by fire. Stupid cat. Stupid meeting.

It got cold. Really really cold. Important-safety-tip-cold. Don’t try to breathe fire when your snot is frozen. Seriously. Ears now fire scoured clean inside.

HELP! I’m starting to identify with my captor. I just noticed that all the snow and ice is kind of…Sparkly! Sparkly! Sparkly!

Cthulhu carolers just came to the cave door. They’re so cute I almost don’t want to ated them.

Can’t believe it’s nearly Cthulhumas! I haven’t even started shopping and cat is sleeping on the cards so I can’t send them. Mind you, I did tuck them all under the cat bed instead of addressing them, but I’m still blaming the cat.

Looking at all the Cthulhumas lights and now I want to fill the cave with them. Sparkly! Sparkly! Sparkly!

Cthulhumas is tomorrow? #$#%@&$%@#! Sigh, at least it’ll be over soon.

Cthulhumas has arrived. Sitting and looking at the ornaments when I realized I don’t even _like_ squid. Sigh.

Have survived Cthulhumas and mood is rapidly improving. Took ornaments down! Also, ated salesman today AND felt really good about it. “None of this charity of season, please don’t eat me” nonsense to deal with.

Cat brought home funny little machine that turns beans into hot black liquid. It smelled great so I had some. It tasted bitter but SPARKLY! Sparklysparklysparkly!

Cat calls wondrous black fluid “coffee.” It sounds almost as sparkly as it tastes! Coffee! Coffee! Coffee!

Cat also says that I should probably drink a little bit less next time. Cat is wrong. Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

Getting lots accomplished!. Have now been awake for three straight days! This coffee stuff is the best thing ever!

Day five of coffee binge. Have transcended sleep and achieved apotheosis. Worship me!

Day six of my coffee odyssey. Sleep is an almost forgotten relic of my past. Can taste colors. Am learning fish language.

Day 8 of coffee odyssey. Cat made the most recent pot. It’s not working. Think it might be decafzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

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zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

 

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Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1429


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Good Morning Campers,

Thank you to everyone who sent good wishes to me and my family during Mrs. Dragons recent illness and visit to the E.R.  She’s still not doing great, but she is better and more importantly, out of the woods.

I know you’ve wondered what’s happened to me (Impish) over the last two weeks, and I think the following story will answer your questions. 

So please, sit back, refill your coffee and relax while you read.

I lay on the straw filled mattress on my wooden bunk and thought about what I was about to do.  I was sick and tired of being here.  Sick and tired of not having any pie and truly and completely sick and tired of that bastard gunnery sergeant who seemed to have my misery as his life goal.

Sure, Lethal had sent Robo-Impish along for companionship, which I guess was kind of a nice thing to do, but then he had him turn into that freak of a purple dinosaur, hug me and sing to me!  Twenty-five choruses of “I Love You, You Love Me…”  I just got the damn song out of my head yesterday and now, that I’m thinking about it, it’s there again!

UGH!

Plus!  He cheats at DragonQuest!  I mean, come on!  How low can you be?  And the worst part is that I can’t even say anything about it for fear he’ll point out my cheating.  Talk about a lose-lose situation.

Sigh!

The lights had been out for a few hours and I could feel the camp quiet around me.  I quietly slid out of my bunk, quickly dressed in black khakis and a black skull cap. I sidled over to Robo-Impish, reached behind his left ear and deactivated him.  There was a slow hum that wound down to nothing; like the dying of a desk fan after it was shut off.

I lifted my bunk and pulled up the wooden floor planks that I had loosened over the past few days.  Right Colonel Hogan, keep Sargent Shultz busy and I’ll be out of here in no time.  I thought to myself and chuckled.  I dropped to the ground under the hut, replacing the boards so no one would be the wiser and I scoped out the area around my hut.

My timing had to be just right.

 I knew, from watching the guards, oh excuse me, the “attendants” (really, how many attendants do you know that walk a perimeter with AK-47s?) that I had a very small window of opportunity here.  As soon as I saw the two sets of boots cross by my hiding place under the wooden hut, I counted silently to 7 and knew they would have turned the corner, out of sight.  I now had 12 seconds to move across the open space between my hut and the next one over, which just happened to be the headquarters building, before the next set of “attendants” and the search light came by my hiding spot.

I scrambled across the open space and slid in under the headquarters building with 2 seconds to spare.
I had to slow my breathing, to insure I wasn’t heard, but lucky for me, all those days of morning PT (They call it Pie Therapy, but really it’s Physical Torture) were paying off.  My breathing hardly strayed at all.

I scuttled under the larger hut and came out on the other side being sure to stick to the shadows.  This one would be more difficult since I hadn’t had a chance to reconnoiter this out as thoroughly.  My plans were to study the layout of the guards and the search lights, make notes if necessary and return or, if my luck held, press on with my plans to escape and hit that little pie shop in the next town over.

Yeah, I knew where the pie shop was.  I knew where ALL the pie shops were.  They couldn’t stop me.
As I watched, it became apparent that this was a mostly unguarded section of the camp.  I suppose it made sense, being behind the headquarters building, but one thing I was sure, they wouldn’t leave it completely unguarded.

I concentrated on the ground directly in front of me, using my infra-vision that most magical creatures have.  Being able to see heat sources in the dark has saved many a magical hide in the past.
By concentrating, I could see very faint blobs of heat buried right under the surface of the ground.  What in the world could that be?  Little creatures?  But none of the blobs seemed to be moving.  Thinking of the hot day we had earlier, I realized that they were something buried right under the surface that had warmed up, but hadn’t cooled at the same rate as the rest of the ground.  That explained the lack of “attendants” on this side of the building and the lack of attention.  The whole area was filled with landmines.

Now, it made sense and now I had a decision to make.  For the time being at least, I could see the landmines.  I knew where each one was, or at least I was pretty sure I knew where MOST of them were, but I had no idea how much longer it would take for them to cool to the point that I wouldn’t be able to see them anymore.  It might have been my imagination, but it already seemed like they were beginning to fade and become fainter while I was watching.

I made up my mind, took a deep breath, and made a break for it.

Running, crouched over, making sure my tail stayed up in the air, concentrating on exactly where I put each foot and moving as quickly as possible, I headed for the hilly area towards the back of the camp.

Run, step, step, crouch, watch, don’t miss, where’s the next blob? Keep running; keep the tail up, UP dammit, UP!  Don’t touch the blobs.

I could probably survive a landmine, no problem.  My hide was tougher than that, but it would probably slow me down and make enough noise to wake up the whole camp.

So, step, step, run, lift, hurry, hurry, hurry.

 I made it in much better time that I would have thought.  Damn, maybe those exercises were paying off.  As I threw myself over the first low hill and lay there resting momentarily, I had to admit that I was probably in the best shape of my life.  Huh.  I’d of never figured that as a benefit of what I’d been going through.

I smiled to myself and thought about how good I really did feel right now.  I was excited, on a real life adventure, instead of just flying around and burning villages and eating virgins, I was successfully sneaking through the woods and escaping and evading.  Me against them; matching wits with that bastard Gunnery Sargent.  I wonder if all Gunnery Sergeants were bastards; seems like not having your parents being married when you were born would just be the perfect start to a life of assholedness.  Or maybe they were just puked up by some hideous ogre looking thing in a cave somewhere.  That’s not really fair to ogres, though.  Some of my friends were ogres.  None of them would stoop so low as to puke up a gunnery Sergeant.

The real funny thing was, I hadn’t even thought about pies since I started this.

Hmm.

Pies….

Really?

It just didn’t have the same appeal to me now that I was running for my life.

Okay, enough.  Time to start moving again.

As I made my way through the back country portion of the camp, an area I was somewhat familiar with from my morning runs, I wondered if I was far enough away to fly and not be detected by the camps radar.  That bastard gunny was quite pleased with showing me how it worked the first day I was here.  By releasing a pigeon, the gunny explained the whole thing to me.

“You see this little birdie?  This little biddy birdie can’t get out, and you great big birdy can’t get out.”

He then released the pigeon and when it got about 15 feet in the air, a short siren went off, the rattle of a chain gun sounded and the pigeon was nothing but feathers a short second later.

“The radar is set for 15 feet, dragon my boy, and the fences are all 25 feet tall.  I think even someone as lunk-headed as you can do the math on that scenario!”

And he stalked off laughing as he went, singing a little ditty about roasted dragon steaks.

The bastard.

So no, I decided flying out at this point was not a good idea.

I heard the truck before I saw it.  I laid down flat in a gully and covered myself in mud and cold water in case they were using Night Vision Goggles.  The truck came round the corner of the dirt road I had been following and came to a stop.

“I thought I saw something moving over in this direction.”

Ah, so they were using NVGs.  That was going to change things.  I started shutting down my internal fire breathing biological functions.  Dragons give off a huge heat signature, but mostly because our biggest form of defense, and offence for that matter, was breathing fire.  But that can be controlled.  It’s unnatural, to do so, purposely giving up our primary weapon, but it can be done.  Especially in an older, more mature dragon.  And once that’s done, we’re basically lizards.  Cold blooded creatures with a very small heat signature.  So, I hunkered down in the muck and mud and became as small and cold as I could.  It takes a little bit of time to get the fire breathing apparatus started back up again, so I was basically a sitting duck if they decided to check out my gully.

“Probably a deer or a bear or something,” another voice answered.

“Oh, a big black bear would be cool!” said the first voice.  “I’d love to see what this mini chain gun does to a giant bear!”

“Yeah, well keep in mind, if you fire that sum-bitch off, you’re gonna have everyone in the camp down here investigating.  You think the Gunny is gonna appreciate bein’ woke up in the middle of the night ’cause you decided you wanted to play with a bear?”

“Good point.  Let’s head back.”

“That’s about what I figured.”

Whew!  That was close!  Way too close.

As I rolled over and sat up, I came face to face with the biggest meanest looking bear I had ever seen in my whole life.  Being in my smaller dragon form, I knew I didn’t really stand much of a chance against him.  Changing into my huge dragon form would not only take too long, but probably bring those guards right back to me and I already discussed how my fire breath was out of the question.

As I stared him in the eyes and he stared me in the eyes, both of us looking concernedly at the other, the bear said, “Do you think they’re gone?”

Holy shit a talking bear!

“Um, yeah.  I um guess so.” I stammered out.

“Whew!  That was close, huh? All because of a couple of pic-a-nic baskets. Geez, maybe Booboo and the ranger were right.  Maybe I shoulda stayed in Jellystone.  Okay, well… see ya!”

As the big assed bear went ambling off in the woods, he turned once and said, “You don’t have a pic-a-nic basket or a pie or anything, do ya?”

All I could do was mutter, “No.  No, I don’t.”

“Eh, it’s what I figgered.  See ya around.”  And he turned and headed deeper into the forest.

“Yeah…ah… see ya…”

I took off the other way in a running trot designed to eat up the distance.

After an hour or so, with the moon beginning to hang low in the sky, I came to another fence.  This was it, probably the outer fence to the camp.  This one was 25 feet tall, with double strands of barbwire across the top and due to the dead foliage around the base, it was obviously electrified.

But, I hadn’t come all this way just to be stymied by a damn fence.

But, how to get over it?

And that was the thing, wasn’t it?  I couldn’t go over it.

I couldn’t go through it.

That only left one thing…going under it.

As I walked along the fence line I found several depressions, some of them quite deep, that went under the fence, and in every single one of them there was a dead animal at the bottom.  I came to realize that the electricity not only went through the fence, but at least several feet under the fence.  But the question was, how far under the fence did it go?  I didn’t have time to dig and experiment.  Sunrise was on its way along with the obligatory roll call and the not finding of the dragon in his hut.

I came to a river.  The fence went over the river and partially down into the river.  I could see where the water was sizzling and boiling where the fence met the top, but I couldn’t tell how far down it went.  Was it possible to dive deep enough to get under the heat and electricity?

Did I have a choice?

What were my choices?
#1.  I could dive down under the fence and possibly get out or possibly get fried alive.  I could hear Chef Lethal’s voice in my head, “Technically you’d be getting braised/stewed alive.”
#2.  I could try to make it back to my hut before roll call and live to try another day.
#3.  I could try to fly over the fence and possibly get out or possibly get shot down by that damn chain gun.
#4.  I didn’t have a number 4.

Okay, so three choices.  I think number 2 was out because I honestly didn’t think I had time enough left to get back in time.

Two choices.

I think number 3 was out because I saw what happened to that pigeon and how fast it had taken place.

One choice.

I sat on the edge of the river and hyperventilated my lungs to get as much oxygen in there as I could.  It had been two weeks since I’d had a cigar, I was in pretty good shape and I was very motivated to dive as deep and as far as I could.

When I felt I was ready and had my nerve up, I dived into the water.

Holy crap, that mountain run off stream was cold!  I dove down deep, deeper; until I felt the muddy bottom in my hands.  The river was rapidly pulling me towards the fence line and I could feel the water getting hotter and hotter.  I scrunched myself down as low to the bottom as I could get, but the heat just kept increasing.  I imagined how painful a death this was going to be and realized my only regret was not being able to see my buddy Lethal one more time.

Yes, I know how crazy that sounded, but you know, for all the fact that he put me in here, it wasn’t really him that put me in here, it was me.  I had put me in here.  I allowed my draconian skills and mentality to be overwhelmed by something as stupid as pie.  Now I was going to fry to death.  Now that I was in the best shape of my life, now that I couldn’t care less about pie and really only wanted to be with my friends, cuddle with my girls.

The heat was excruciating.  I could feel the scales beginning to curl and melt on my back.  I pushed myself even flatter to the bottom.  This was the end.

No more Joking with my buddy Lethal.

No more teasing my Jersey Girl Ginny.

No more slap and tickle with Diaman.

No more picking on Paul

No more…

The heat became so intense, that was the last thing I remembered.  Blackness overwhelmed me.  My last thought being how poetically just it was that I was going out like a pie in an oven.

I woke up lying on the side of the river, my head laying in the softest lap I had ever laid in.  At least it felt that way at the time.

“Silly dragon…” that was Diaman’s voice.

Bloody git o’ a dragon!” Lethal?

“Hold still you darn lizard.  Let me finish putting this healing cream on your back.” And Ginny.

All my friends were here.  I must be in heaven.

“Let him suffer a bit more.  Who’d of thought the big lummox would have done something so feckin stupid.  I guess I really should have known.” Lethal, but his voice was a lot softer and more caring than I would’ve figured.

“How’d you find me?” my voice cracking slightly.

Diaman answered, “We‘ve been using Robo-you to watch you the whole time you’ve been here.  When you finally got your head on straight enough, this was supposed to be your graduation exercise.  We really didn’t think you’d get as far as you did, but you proved us all wrong.  We knew you were planning on escaping, but figured you’d get caught and brought back and the trial would prove that you were finally cured of the pie addiction.  But, you got further than anyone figured.  Once you reached the fence, we knew there was nowhere for you to go and that should’ve been that.  You would have had to return or they would have eventually found you, but no one figured you’d go for a different option.  If that river had been a little lower or the water not quite so cold…” her voice faded out.

“What she’s trying to say is that you damn near killed yourself you stupid fookin’ lizard!”  Lethal glanced down at me and I swear I saw a glistening to his eyes.  “Come on ya great daft arse, me new Leprechaun One is idling in the field over there, we can be back to the keep in a couple of hours and let the vet take a look at our field dressings and make sure you’re not going to have any scars to mess up your pretty scaly hide.”  The last was said with the normal sarcasm and curmudgeonly attitude that I’d grow to know and love.

“Thanks my friends.” I said and we left.

 

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There are days when I feel just like this!

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Florida woman stops alligator attack with a small Beretta pistol .
 
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?  A Beretta Jetfire4b testimonial…. Here is her story in her own words:
 
“While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband’s knee cap was all it took….
 
The ‘gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It’s one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible.

I’ve always said that I don’t have to be the fastest runner…I just can’t be the slowest.  That’s why I’m ALWAYS armed!

 

1346

It’s a mystery what coulda killed ‘em.  Probably the fashion police hit squad.

 

I’ve gotten a bunch of Humorous Military stuff so I’m starting a new section and will continue it until I run out… So, may I present:
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8

8a

8b

8c

8d

 

The third day of spring in Indiana…
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Oh come on!!!

 

Two good ol’ boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, “If’n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin’ and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.  Finally, he says,”Well I don’t know about kin, but it would make us even!” 

 

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On a chain

Jeff Dunham’s newest puppet.  It’s a dragon… on a stick!

 

 

The Definition of a positive Attitude…

Late in the night, Impish Dragon regained consciousness.

He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital’s ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.  He realized that he’d obviously been in a serious accident.

The nurse gave him a deep look, straight into his eyes and her heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

Somehow Impish managed to mumble in reply, “Well, can I feel your tits, then?”

THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS CALLED A POSITIVE ATTITUDE.

 

1347

 

 

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. They gasped in astonishment when he said, ‘Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.’The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. ‘Why, nothing,’ Peter replied, ‘remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. ‘What are the greens fees?’ grumbled the old man.

‘This is heaven ,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can play for free, every day.’

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

‘Don’t even ask,’ said St. Peter to the man, ‘this is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.’

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

‘Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,’ he asked..

‘That’s the best part,’ St. Peter replied, ‘you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!’

The old man pushed, ‘No gym to work out at?’

‘Not unless you want to,’ was the answer.

‘No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…’

‘Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.’

The old man glared at his wife and said, ‘You and your fuckin’ bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!’

 

1349

 

Great observation…

4e

 

 

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This is our instructor in one of our more advanced classes of outdoor survival.  A student favorite subject and instructor.

 

 

4g

4h

 

Impressive Speed and frightening accuracy and dexterity…on a Xylophone!!!!  Truly amazing.

 

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This cool website is sent to us by Stephanie and like she says…”Coffee is meant to be drank, but this is still pretty cool.”  http://distractify.com/pinar/caffeinated-paintings/?v=1  Here’s a little peek..

 

1353

Okay, so it’s a little on the old side, but it’s also one of my favorite jokes of all time…

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?”

When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Saviour,” But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ‘JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!”

1350

 

OBAMA wants us to cut the amount of gasoline we use…..

The best way to stop using so much gasoline is to deport 15 million illegal immigrants!


That would be 15 million less people using our gas.

The price of gas would come down…..

Bring our troops home from Afghanistan to guard the borders….


When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Afghanistan ….


Tell him if he wants to come to AMERICA then he must serve a tour in OUR military….


Give him a soldier’s pay while he’s there and tax him on it……


After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country…..

He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident……
This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Afghanistan and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. …….


If they refuse to serve, ship them to Afghanistan anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.


Problem solved…..

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Now that’s a squared up snake!!

 

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Yeah, that worked out really well!

 

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This is great!  And thankfully, it has subtitles because a lot of the talking is overwhelmed by the laughter.

So, I was walking through the mall, and went into a Muslim Bookshop.
 
The clerk asked if he could help me, so I asked for a copy of the United States Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims.
 
The Clerk said, “Fuck off, get out, and stay out.”
 
I said, “Yes, that’s the one.” 

1351

 

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest nearly fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life.
 
After Mass,the priest caught up with him & said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?” 
 
Murphy said,”I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn’s hat.”
 
The priest said, “WELL, MURPHY, I NOTICE THAT YA DIDN’T STEAL McGLYNN’S HAT. WHAT CHANGED YOUR MIND?”
 
Murphy replied, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10
Commandments I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”
 
With a tear in his eye, the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said, “After I talked about’Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?”
 
Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’, I remembered where I left me hat.”

 

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As promised, here’s another bunch of…

Holy S3

Holy S4

Holy S5

Holy s6

Holy S7

Holy S8

Holy Shit!  That was a lot of Holy Shit Motivationals…and that ain’t all.  Tune in next week for a few more!

 

Okay, this next one is just bloody awful!  Horrible!  Terrible!  If you don’t groan after this one, then something is seriously wrong with you!!

After Quasimodo’s death, the Bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame, in Paris, France sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was urgently needed.

The Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills over a long period, he decided to call it a day and to continue the interviewing process, the following day.

Just then, an armless Frenchman approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job.
The Bishop was incredulous.  “But, you have no arms, Monsieur!”

‘No matter,’ said the man. ‘Observe me, Excellency!’ And, pushing his way past the Bishop, he began striking the bells with his ugly face, producing a most beautiful melody on the carillon.

The Bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had found a sensational replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bells again in encore, the armless Frenchman tripped over a mallet and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street far below.

The stunned Bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, to reach the street.  A crowd had by now gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the Bishop through, one of them asked, ‘Bishop sir, who was this man?’

‘I don’t know his name,’ the Bishop sadly replied……..

( scroll down ………)

……………… BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL!’

WAIT! WAIT! There’s more….

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the Bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, ‘Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life, by allowing me to replace him in this duty.’

The Bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but as the armless man’s brother stooped to pick up a heavy mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died of heart failure on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the Bishop’s cries of anguish at this second shocking tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

‘What has happened?  Who is this man?’ the first monk asked breathlessly.

‘I don’t know his name,’ sighed the now distraught Bishop, ‘but…

HE’S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.’

If you wish to know who is to blame for this affront to humor….well, it’s K2!!!

 

1352

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.

By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm. The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone.

They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man’s tractor.

“Hank,” the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. “Did you see this terrible accident happen?”

“Yep. Sure did,” the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor’s engine.

“Do you realize that was Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?”

“Yep.”

“Were there any survivors?”

“Nope. They’s all kilt straight out,” the farmer answered. “I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning.”

“President Obama is dead?” the sheriff asked.

“Well,” the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. “He kepta-saying he wasn’t…

But you know how bad that sumbitch lies.”

 

! BIRDBRAINS Drop-In Template.ai

 

THE BROTHEL
 
The madam opened the brothel door in Montreal and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
 
“May I help you sir?” she asked.
 
The man replied, “I want to see Valerie.”
 
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else” , said the madam.
 
He replied, “No, I must see Valerie.”
 
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.
 
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
 
After an hour, the man calmly left.
 
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
 
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
 
“There are no discounts. The price is still $5000.”
 
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie , and they went upstairs.
 
After an hour, he left.
 
The following night the man was there yet again.
 
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
 
After their session, Valerie said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?”
 
The man replied, ” New Brunswick .”
 
“Really,” she said. “I have family in New Brunswick .”
 
  “I know.” the man said. “Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000
  inheritance.”
 
The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:
 
1. Death
2. Taxes; and
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

1355

 

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I had planned on posting a scathing review of something new that was stupid that Obama or his assinine administration had done.  But, instead, I’m sending you this, from Ginny.  She sent it to me and I was touched so much that I want to send it to each and every one of you.  It’s called,

 The Train of Life:

THIS IS VERY BEAUTIFUL AND I AM HONORED TO HAVE RECEIVED IT…..NOW, ON TO YOU MY FRIEND!

At birth we boarded the train and met our parents, and we believe they will always travel on our side.

However, at some station our parents will step down from the train, leaving us on this journey alone.

As time goes by, other people will board the train; and they will be significant i.e. our siblings, friends, children, and even the love of your Life.

Many will step down and leave a permanent vacuum. Others will go so unnoticed that we don’t realize they vacated their seats.

This train ride will be full of joy, sorrow, fantasy, expectations, hellos, goodbyes, and farewells.

Success consists of having a good relationship with all passengers requiring that we give the best of ourselves.

The mystery to everyone is: We do not know at which station we ourselves will step down. So, we must live in the best way, love, forgive, and offer the best of who we are. It is important to do this because when the time comes for us to step down and leave our seat empty we should leave behind beautiful memories for those who will continue to travel on the train of Life.

I wish you a joyful journey on the train of life. Reap success and give lots of love. More importantly, thank God for the journey.

Lastly, I thank you for being one of the passengers on my train.

(By the way, I am not planning to get off the train anytime soon but if I do, just remember I am glad you were part of my journey.)

 

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!cid_9C9A0F3A696D49389189668ADE667166@LaptopJeff

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Leprechaun Laughs # 292 for Wednesday 04/01/15


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A brief update before we get started. I’m happy to report Impish’s Family Emergency is resolving itself, abet somewhat slower than anyone would like. He’s catching up on everything he was forced to drop to deal with the family emergency. The big ham assures me he is on track to rejoin us for Saturday’s issue so there will be plenty of Impish to carve up for Easter Sunday dinner no worries.

We now return you to our normally scheduled issue of Leprechaun Laughs shown in its entirety.

 

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As you get off the elevator or escalator you notice signs posted every 10 feet in the corridor leading to the conference room.

Several plastic bins are already mostly full with discarded contraband pranks, Squirting flowers, hand buzzers, stink bombs even a boxes of Mayo refilled cream donuts abound in the piles.

A separate container of far more robust manufacture can be seen behind sand bags where 2 CyberLethals are carefully lowering a box displaying the logo of  Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes inside its protection.

  Lethal is standing behind a clear protective shield on the podium as you enter looking as though he was in the front row of a Gallagher Comedy Concert. He appears to be covered head to toe in a plastic poncho and wearing some sort of full facial protection.

Welcome folks to April Fools Day 2015 or as some of us here refer to it “Impish’s Insufferably Imbecilic & Idiotic Pranks Day” See Impish never met a pranks regardless of how childish he didn’t like- as long as he’s not the brunt of it. Word has it he’s still smarting over the old shaving cream pie delivery announcement of his intervention and looking for payback today however he can get it.

That’s more or less the bad news. Why is it bad news? Because he tends to be a tad- indiscriminate lets call it when it comes to collateral damage from his pranks. Ah! See? NOW you’re beginning to understand! You proximity to me makes you potential recipients as well!

OK! OK! I’m going already!  YEESH!

I was going to mention the good news. Oh! NOW I can stay?

The good news is that Easter is a scant 4 days away which for those Catholics among us means an end to all that Fish on Fridays, self imposed acts of depravation to demonstrate piety and the return of an important food group to our diets – the Chocolate & Alcohol Food Group! This of course is to say nothing about the bowl of Eternal Egg Salad which will magically appear about the Wednesday after in your refrigerators.

OK I’m really getting nervous out here in the open so I’m out of here.

Enjoy the issue!

As Lethal turns to exit the podium a loud -CLICK!- echoes in the room coming from the stand Lethal uses behind the podium. Immediately Lethal falls sideways off the stand and continues to roll away from it just as a bucket of water followed by a 5# bag of flour lands where he had been a split second ago. Suddenly all the screens in the room light up with the image of Impish in his  Rehab cell jumping excitedly from foot to foot and chatter a mile a minute.

“The-signal-just-went-off-Terrance-I-heard-it.- Good-work-you’ll-get-a-raise-for-this.-He’ll-never-suspect-it-was-me-who-April-Fools-pranked-his-mean-green-little-ass…all-the-way-from-Rehab-Boot-Camp-where-that-damned-Stalinistic-Shoe-Elf-sent-me-to-be-tortured.

Uhh…Wait! What the…Why am I seeing the Conference Room? Who’s the little plastic wrapped dude? Is that Lethal?…. Ut-oh! Uhh..errmm.. HI YA PAL! APRIL FOOLS? That really wasn’t me that tried the old water the flour gag on ya-really. No, seriously Dude, I was uhh…just trying to claim credit so I could say April Fools when you got all mad at me…yeah that’s what it was.

Lethal Buddy? Aren’t you going to say something? Hey thanks for having Robo-me repaired so I have someone to play DragonQuest with! You got to know I totally understand why you sent me here- its for my own good after all. You know I know how much you hate April Fools Day and all the pranks. You know I’d never do anything like that right? It’s all a big misunderstanding, just a mistake- okay pal? Don’t get mad ok? PLEASE?!

Lethal? Aren’t you going to say anything?”

<Lethal pulls his tablet from under his poncho and taps on it for a minute>

“Uhh…Lethal? Come on now pal I’m miserable enough here please- no revenge! I mean come on it didn’t even work- not that it was my prank- I’m not even there! You can’t hold me responsible for any suggestion I might had accidentally made when talking about the classic April Fools gags of old with Terrance now can you?”

<Lethal has stopped tapping on his tablet and returned it to the safety of the poncho’s interior. He raises the safety visor and can be seen to actually be smiling quite merrily.>

“Uhh…what did you do Lethal? I know that smile! That’s your someone’s-about-to-pay-really-big revenge smile!”

<Behind Impish Robo-Impish can be seen and heard groaning to life.>

“Huh? What? I didn’t turn him on! What the…?”

<Robo Impish appears to have been upgraded to a transformer while Lethal repaired it. As you watch it undergoes a metamorphosis of sorts as it shambles towards Impish. Wings disappear, forearms lengthen, the tail shortens and fattens, horns retract as does the snout which becomes broader. All the changes are causing it to looks slightly familiar. You can’t quite place the resemblance until just prior to wrapping its robotically strong arms about Impish in a near death hug when its coloring suddenly turns from shades of Blue to Purple and Green.

As Impish starts shrieking and frantically attempting to free himself from the mechanical representation of his nemesis pleading sobbingly for leniency and forgiveness. Lethal turns, winks while shooting a thumbs up at you all and heads off stage calling-

TERRANCE! DON’T TRY RUNNING AND HIDING LIKE YOUR BOSS- IT’S ONLY TIRED YOU’LL WIND UP AND WORSE YOU’LL MAKE THINGS!”

Mean time over the slowly fading screams and whimpers of Impish as the picture from his Barracks cell dissolves into another No April Fools logo you hear singing:

 

The Moral to Today’s Opening: NEVER prank the reigning Prince of the Pranksters!

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69-year-old comedienne has the Opry in stitches!

This 69-year-old comedienne is as spry as a spring chicken! That’s Jeanne Robertson performing live at the Grand Ole Opry. She has this country-loving crowd rolling in the aisles laughing!

 

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde who knocks everyone’s socks off. She hangs on Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.

Bob’s buddies at the club are all agog. They finally corner him alone and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?”
“What do you mean, girlfriend?” Bob replies. “She’s my wife!”

They’re knocked over, and press on.

“How in the world did you persuade her to marry you?” they ask.
“Well,” he admits, “I lied about my age.”
“You cad!” one says, breaking the shocked silence.

“What, did you tell her you were only 50 or something?” asked another.

“No,” Bob smiles. “I told her I was 90.”

 

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April Fools’ Day: Origin and History

The uncertain origins of a foolish day

April Fools’ Day, sometimes called All Fools’ Day, is one of the most light-hearted days of the year. Its origins are uncertain. Some see it as a celebration related to the turn of the seasons, while others believe it stems from the adoption of a new calendar.

New Year’s Day Moves

Ancient cultures, including those of the Romans and Hindus, celebrated New Year’s Day on or around April 1. It closely follows the vernal equinox (March 20th or March 21st.) In medieval times, much of Europe celebrated March 25, the Feast of Annunciation, as the beginning of the new year.

In 1582, Pope Gregory XIII ordered a new calendar (the Gregorian Calendar) to replace the old Julian Calendar. The new calendar called for New Year’s Day to be celebrated Jan. 1. That year, France adopted the reformed calendar and shifted New Year’s day to Jan. 1. According to a popular explanation, many people either refused to accept the new date, or did not learn about it, and continued to celebrate New Year’s Day on April 1. Other people began to make fun of these traditionalists, sending them on “fool’s errands” or trying to trick them into believing something false. Eventually, the practice spread throughout Europe.

Problems With This Explanation

There are at least two difficulties with this explanation. The first is that it doesn’t fully account for the spread of April Fools’ Day to other European countries. The Gregorian calendar was not adopted by England until 1752, for example, but April Fools’ Day was already well established there by that point. The second is that we have no direct historical evidence for this explanation, only conjecture, and that conjecture appears to have been made more recently.

Constantine and Kugel

Another explanation of the origins of April Fools’ Day was provided by Joseph Boskin, a professor of history at Boston University. He explained that the practice began during the reign of Constantine, when a group of court jesters and fools told the Roman emperor that they could do a better job of running the empire. Constantine, amused, allowed a jester named Kugel to be king for one day. Kugel passed an edict calling for absurdity on that day, and the custom became an annual event.

“In a way,” explained Prof. Boskin, “it was a very serious day. In those times fools were really wise men. It was the role of jesters to put things in perspective with humor.”

This explanation was brought to the public’s attention in an Associated Press article printed by many newspapers in 1983. There was only one catch: Boskin made the whole thing up. It took a couple of weeks for the AP to realize that they’d been victims of an April Fools’ joke themselves.

Spring Fever

It is worth noting that many different cultures have had days of foolishness around the start of April, give or take a couple of weeks. The Romans had a festival named Hilaria on March 25, rejoicing in the resurrection of Attis. The Hindu calendar has Holi, and the Jewish calendar has Purim. Perhaps there’s something about the time of year, with its turn from winter to spring, that lends itself to lighthearted celebrations.

Observances Around the World

April Fools’ Day is observed throughout the Western world. Practices include sending someone on a “fool’s errand,” looking for things that don’t exist; playing pranks; and trying to get people to believe ridiculous things.

The French call April 1 Poisson d’Avril, or “April Fish.” French children sometimes tape a picture of a fish on the back of their schoolmates, crying “Poisson d’Avril” when the prank is discovered.

 

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I don’t have to celebrate it- I work with it!

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NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars, and they needed someone very special since only one person could go — and it was a one-way mission: they couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked why he was most qualified and how much he wanted to be paid.

“I’m an engineer, so the mission would have the most chance for success because I can fix anything that goes wrong. As for pay,” he said, “I want a million dollars because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. “I’m a doctor, so I’d be able to keep myself alive to achieve the mission goals. I’d like $2 million: a million to my family, and the rest would be to fund the rest of my work on a technology I just invented that would save thousands of lives.”

The last applicant was Lethal Leprechaun. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”

“How are you more qualified,” asked the interview panel, “and why do you want so much more money?”

“Well,” the Lethal replied, “Clearly the doctor is full of himself; if you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”

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There was an old man from Milan,
Whose limericks never would scan.
When told this was so, He said, “Yes, I know.”
But I always try to get as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can.

There was an old man of isles
Who suffered severely from piles.
He couldn’t sit down Without a deep frown
So he had to row standing for miles.

There once was a sculptor named Phideous
Whose sculptures by most were thought hideous.
He carved Aphrodite Without even a nightie
Which shocked all the fussy fastidious.

There was a young girl from Rabat,
who had triplets, Nat, Pat and Tat.
It was fun in the breeding, But hell in the feeding,
When she found she had no tit for Tat.

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First Diaman learns to drive the busses, now Ginny wants a turn!

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Lethal’s Laws for 21st Century Life

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Law of a Liberal’s Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

Wilson’s Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, or change it for the worse.

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This is Ninja Kitty Anakin demonstrating his mastery of the Force.

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Around here I’m apparently responsible for the Red, Blue and gold while Impish takes care of the Green and Yellow sections.

Staying Young

Harriet, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

She goes through a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, and then hears a knock at the door.

It’s a delivery man. “Before you go,” she says after taking the package he brought, “may I ask what age you think I am?”

Looking over her carefully, the driver says, “Judging from your skin, 20.”

She’s very pleased, but before she can say anything, he continues.

“And judging by your hair, 18; and your figure, 25.”

“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushes.

“Hold on there, lady!” he says. “I haven’t added them up yet!”

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Catholic Honeymoon

On the first day of their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed.

When her husband wasn’t shortly behind her, she got up and went looking for him — and found that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

She asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her.

“I thought you realized,” he replied. “It’s Lent.”

What?!” she shrieked, almost in tears. “Why, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!”

“Well, you asked, and that’s the answer,” he said, going back to his book.

“But…” she said. “Who did you lend it to, and for how long?”

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30-Minute Coq au Vin

Classic coq au vin can take up to two days to prepare, including marinating the chicken overnight. We make a red wine sauce with bacon, mushrooms and pearl onions (the frozen variety, so you can skip the tedious peeling), then slip in rotisserie chicken parts to warm through, and voila!

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Total Time: 30 min
Prep: 5 min
Cook: 25 min
Yield: 4 servings
Level: Easy

 

 

 

Ingredients

4 slices thick-cut bacon, cut into 1/2 inch strips (about 4 1/2 ounces)
10 ounces cremini mushrooms, halved or quartered
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 1/2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons tomato paste
1 1/2 cups chicken broth
1 cup red wine
1 1/2 cups frozen pearl onions
2 sprigs fresh thyme or pinch dried thyme
2 tablespoons cold unsalted butter, cut into 4 pieces
Pinch sugar, optional
1 cooked rotisserie chicken, cut into 8 pieces
1 teaspoon chopped fresh parsley, for garnish

Directions

Put the bacon into an unheated large, high-sided skillet and cook over medium heat, stirring periodically, until the bacon is browned and crisp, about 8 minutes. Transfer the bacon to a small bowl with a slotted spoon; set aside.

Discard all but 2 tablespoons of the bacon fat in the pan. Increase the heat to medium-high. Add the mushrooms, 1/4 teaspoon salt and several grinds of pepper and cook until browned, 2 to 3 minutes. Stir in the garlic, flour and tomato paste and cook, stirring, until the tomato paste darkens a little, about 1 minute. Add the chicken broth, wine, onions, thyme, 1/2 teaspoon salt and more pepper. Bring to a boil, then let simmer until thickened, about 4 minutes.

Turn the heat down to medium, and whisk in the butter a little at a time. If the sauce tastes a little too acidic, add the sugar. Nestle the chicken and cooked bacon into the sauce, and simmer gently until the chicken is heated through, 6 to 7 minutes. (This could take up to 10 minutes if the chicken is cold, or as little as 3 minutes if it is warm.) Spoon the sauce over the chicken pieces periodically to coat completely. Toss the chicken in the sauce, remove the thyme stems, sprinkle with the parsley and serve.

Meatball-Tortellini Soup

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Total Time: 35 min
Prep: 20 min
Cook: 15 min
Yield: 4 servings
Level: Easy

 

 

 

Ingredients

8 ounces ground beef chuck
1/4 cup grated parmesan cheese, plus more for topping
1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley
1 large egg, lightly beaten
1 clove garlic, grated
Kosher salt and freshly ground pepper
2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
2 carrots, diced
2 stalks celery, diced
1 quart low-sodium chicken broth
1 9 -ounce package refrigerated cheese tortellini
4 cups loosely packed baby spinach (about 3 ounces)

Directions

Combine the beef, parmesan, 2 tablespoons parsley, the egg, garlic, 1/2 teaspoon salt, and pepper to taste in a medium bowl; mix with your hands until just combined. Form into 1-inch meatballs; set aside.

Heat the olive oil in a pot or Dutch oven over medium-high heat. Add the meatballs and cook, turning, until golden, 3 to 4 minutes; remove to a plate. Add the carrots and celery to the pot; cook, stirring, until just softened, about 5 minutes. Add the broth and 3 cups water; bring to a boil. Return the meatballs to the pot along with the remaining 2 tablespoons parsley and 1/2 teaspoon salt. Simmer until the meatballs are just cooked through, about 2 minutes.

Add the tortellini and cook until they float to the top, about 4 minutes. Add the spinach and cook, stirring, until wilted, 1 minute. Season with salt and pepper. Top with more parmesan.

Introspection Outside the Box

Speaking of fools, someone has already thrown their hat into the ring to replace our present Chief Fool who’s primary job qualifications would seem to have his total lack of experience at anything other than being King of the Liberal Fools.

Apparently in a fit of ‘If-it-worked-for-the-Liberals-why-can’t-it-work-for-us’ logic the Republican’s first hat in the ring is another no experience flashy fool.

Ted Cruz kicks off 2016 presidential campaign on Obamacare anniversary

Author: The Associated Press Published On: Mar 23 2015 04:45:15 PM CDT

(CNN) –

Sen. Ted Cruz opened the first major campaign of the 2016 presidential season Monday with a kickoff speech courting cultural conservatives and declaring that he will devote himself to “reigniting the promise of America.”

One of several Republican hopefuls to rise from the tea party movement, Cruz spoke at Liberty University, the college founded by the late Rev. Jerry Falwell, hours after a wee-hours tweet announcing his White House bid. The choice of the college founded by the late Rev. Jerry Falwell was meant as marker against potential rivals who are also counting on Christian conservatives to fuel their candidacies.

Cruz addressed his religious faith, his father’s Cuban roots and his unquestioned conservative credentials, saying “for so many Americans the promise of America seems more and more distant.”

And he asked the enthusiastic crowd to “imagine a president that finally, finally, finally secures the borders.”

“Imagine a simple flat tax,” he said. “Imagine abolishing the IRS.”

He spoke on the fifth anniversary of President Barack Obama’s health care law — legislation that prompted Cruz to stand for more than 21 hours in the Senate to denounce it in a marathon speech that delighted his tea party constituency and other foes of the law.

By getting in early — and at Liberty — Cruz was hoping to claim ownership of the influential and highly vocal corner of the Republican Party for whom cultural issues are supreme. It was a move at crowding out figures such as former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee, a former Baptist pastor, and former Sen. Rick Santorum, who has made his Catholic faith a cornerstone of his political identity.

Well the fool-flash thing is certainly easily enough to establish just from that admittedly truncated by me to cover the important points I am trying to make little bit. Also we see the favorite-fool play coming out early just as the present Fool in Chief did it. But does he have any qualification and the experience to be President?

7 things to know as US Sen. Ted Cruz enters 2016 presidential race

By The Associated Press Monday, March 23, 2015

THE BRIEF

Ted Cruz is man in a hurry. He won election to the Senate in 2012 as a political rookie, riding a tea party wave to upset a candidate with decades of experience and deep connections inside the Republican Party. He’s proceeded since with the same disregard for the GOP establishment, at times maneuvering quixotically in the Senate to mount an aggressive opposition to President Barack Obama. It’s an approach that has annoyed fellow Republicans — Arizona Sen. John McCain famously labeled Cruz as one of the Senate’s “wacko birds” — but Cruz is unapologetic. As he recently told voters in New Hampshire, “If you see a candidate who Washington embraces, run and hide.” He even announced his candidacy hours ahead of the planned launch, in a post-midnight Twitter message Monday.

RESUME REVIEW

Prior to his election to the Senate, Cruz’s career was centered on practicing law at the highest level. A graduate of Harvard Law School and clerk for Supreme Court Justice William Rehnquist, Cruz led a Houston-based firm’s Supreme Court practice, taught such litigation at the University of Texas and was charged with representing the state before the high court as its solicitor general. He also served in the George W. Bush administration, at both the Federal Trade Commission and as an associate deputy attorney general at the Justice Department.

PERSONAL STORY

The son of Cuban immigrant and American mother, Cruz was born in Calgary, Alberta, on Dec. 22, 1970, while his parents were working in the oil business. He’s since renounced his Canadian citizenship, and lawyers from both parties have said they think he’s eligible to run for president. He and his wife Heidi, a managing director at Goldman Sachs, live in Houston with their two daughters, Caroline and Catherine. His father is now a Texas pastor who draws plenty of his own attention, saying in the past that Obama is a “Marxist” who should be sent “back to Kenya.”

CALLING CARD MOMENT

For 21 hours and 19 minutes in September 2013, Cruz stood in the Senate to urge Congress to cut off money for Obama’s health care law. The marathon speech, which included Cruz reading the Dr. Seuss classic “Green Eggs and Ham” to his daughters, said to be watching their father at home, was partly behind a 16-day partial government shutdown the next month. He later joked the speech featured hours of “my favorite sound” — his own voice.

The tactic was a hit among Cruz’s tea party supporters, who are excited by his entry into the 2016 race. Cruz “will excite the base in a way we haven’t seen in years,” said Amy Kremer, the former head of the Tea Party Express. But Cruz’s uncompromising approach has won him few friends in the Senate. In December, when Cruz defied party leaders to force a vote on Obama’s executive actions on immigration, he again drew fire: “I fail to see what conservative ends were achieved,” said Arizona GOP Sen. Jeff Flake.

From this it’s clear to me that we have another unqualified Obama on our hands, abet from the opposite end of the spectrum., No experience, no qualifications other than pandering to certain groups to make himself popular and certainly no record of co-operation with even his own party. In short we have a potential 8 more years of our current political problems utilizing much the same attitude and tactics just under a different political banner in Cruz.

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California Girls (like Diaman) …and New Jersey Girls (like Ginny)

California Girls (like Diaman) blush during love scenes in a movie.
New Jersey Girls (like Ginny) know they could do it better.

California Girls (like Diaman) loosen a few buttons when it’s hot.
New Jersey Girls (like Ginny) make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

California Girls (like Diaman) only own one credit card and rarely use it.
New Jersey Girls (like Ginny) only own one bra and rarely use it.

California Girls (like Diaman) pack their toothbrush.
New Jersey Girls (like Ginny) pack their diaphragms.

California Girls (like Diaman) prefer the missionary position.
New Jersey Girls (like Ginny) do too, but only for starters.

California Girls (like Diaman) say, “No.”
New Jersey Girls (like Ginny) say, “When?”

California Girls (like Diaman) think they’re not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
New Jersey Girls (like Ginny) think they’re fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

California Girls (like Diaman) wax their floors.
New Jersey Girls (like Ginny) wax their bikini lines — or more….

California Girls (like Diaman) wear high heels for a night out.
New Jersey Girls (like Ginny) wear high heels to bed.

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Ut-oh! That Dragon has a death wish I swear!

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Another Innocent Life Destroyed by Zero Tolerance: Last September Brian Wilson, an assistant principal at Bedford (Va.) Middle School, found a leaf in an 11-year-old student’s backpack. The sixth-grader, who was in the gifted and talented program, says he doesn’t know how it got into his backpack, which had been sitting in an unsecured locker before Wilson grabbed it. Assuming it was marijuana, Wilson called in the school’s “resource officer” — a sheriff’s deputy — to check it out. Deputy M.M. Calohan tested it three times, and every time it came back negative for marijuana, but she “went to a magistrate and swore he possessed marijuana at school,” says Melvin Williams, the boy’s attorney. School officials suspended the boy for 10 days, pending an expulsion hearing. At that hearing, it was decided not to expel the boy, but rather to suspend him …for 364 days. The leaf went to the crime lab for further testing. Months later, the crime lab confirmed the initial tests: it was not marijuana. The school system reluctantly accepted the boy back to class — but only at a different school, and only under “strict probation” until those 364 days are up. But after six months of suspicion and absence from school — not to mention a school-mandated “substance abuse evaluation” — the boy is “withdrawn socially, and is now under the care of a pediatric psychiatrist for panic attacks and depression,” according to his parents, Bruce and Linda Bays, who are both school teachers. After the hearing, “he just broke down and said his life was over,” Linda Bays said. “He would never be able to get into college; he would never be able to get a job.” The Bays family is nearly out of money after paying for lawyers, doctors, and home-schooling, so with Williams’ help, they’ve filed a federal lawsuit against the school and the sheriff’s department for their zero tolerance punishment of their unnamed son’s non-crime. The same attorney is defending both: Jim Guynn has filed a motion to dismiss, saying that the school’s zero tolerance anti-drug policy doesn’t just prohibit actual drugs, but also “lookalike” and “imitation” drugs; that’s “a pretty standard rule across the commonwealth,” Guynn says. “It’s the same punishment and exactly the same result.” (RC/Roanoke Times) …This is an innocent child. And this is the inevitable outcome in a school governed by zero tolerance. Any questions?

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A Day at the Races

One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse — a very long shot — won the race.

Before the following race, the Priest blessed yet another horse. Mitch made a beeline for the window, and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet a large amount of money on it, and it won!

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses.

Mitch bet every cent he had, including his life savings and the deed to his house. Mitch then watched the horse come in dead last. He was dumbfounded.

He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, “What happened, Father? All day long you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now, thanks to you, I’ve lost all my savings!”

The priest nodded wisely and said, “That’s the problem with Protestants — you can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites!

 

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http://hoaxes.org/aprilfool

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I swear that’s pretty much Molly’s preferred method for dealing with any insect whenever I’m not around to deal them.

A Book Review

No idea where this brilliant bit came from but it certainly makes me feel inadequate both at writing and humor

The Cat in the Hat is a hard-hitting novel of prose and poetry in which the author re-examines the dynamic rhyming schemes and bold imagery of some of his earlier works, most notably Green Eggs and Ham, If I Ran the Zoo, and Why Can’t I Shower With Mommy? In this novel, Theodore Geisel, writing under the pseudonym Dr. Seuss, pays homage to the great Dr. Sigmund Freud in a nightmarish fantasy of a renegade feline helping two young children understand their own frustrated sexuality.

The story opens with two youngsters, a brother and a sister, abandoned by their mother, staring mournfully through the window of their single-family dwelling. In the foreground, a large tree/phallic symbol dances wildly in the wind, taunting the children and encouraging them to succumb to the sexual yearnings they undoubtedly feel for each other. Even to the most unlearned reader, the blatant references to the incestuous relationship the two share set the tone for Seuss’ probing examination of the satisfaction of primitive needs. The Cat proceeds to charm the wary youths into engaging in what he so innocently refers to as “tricks”. At this point, the fish, an obvious Christ figure who represents the prevailing Christian morality, attempts to warn the children, and thus, in effect, warns all of humanity of the dangers associated with the unleashing of the primal urges. In response to this, the Cat proceeds to balance the aquatic naysayer on the end of his umbrella, essentially saying, “Down with morality; down with God!”

After poohpoohing the righteous rantings of the waterlogged Christ figure, the Cat begins to juggle several icons of Western culture, most notably two books, representing the Old and New Testaments, and a saucer of lactal fluid, an ironic reference to maternal loss the two children experienced when their mother abandoned them “for the afternoon”. Our heroic Id adds to this bold gesture a rake and a toy man, and thus completes the Oedipal triangle.

Later in the novel, Seuss introduces the proverbial Pandora’s box, a large red crate out of which the Id releases Thing One, or Freud’s concept of Ego, the division of the psyche that serves as the conscious mediator between the person and reality, and Thing Two, the Superego, which functions to reward and punish through a system of moral attitudes, conscience, and guilt. Referring to this box, the Cat says, “Now look at this trick. Take a look!” In this, Dr. Seuss uses the children as a brilliant metaphor for the reader, and asks the reader to re-examine his own inner self.

The children, unable to control the Id, Ego, and Superego, allow these creatures to run free and mess up the house, or more symbolically, control their lives. This rampage continues until the fish, or Christ symbol, warns that the mother is returning to reinstate the Oedipal triangle that existed before her abandonment of the children. At this point, Seuss introduces a many-armed cleaning device which represents the psychoanalytic couch, which proceeds to put the two youngsters’ lives back in order.

With powerful simplicity, clarity, and drama, Seuss reduces Freud’s concepts on the dynamics of the human psyche to an easily understood gesture. Seuss’ poetry and choice of words is equally impressive and serves as a splendid counterpart to his bold symbolism. In all, his writing style is quick and fluid, making The Cat in the Hat impossible to put down. While this novel is 61 pages in length, and one can read it in five minutes or less, it is not until after multiple readings that the genius of this modern day master becomes apparent.


Buy the book

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Chip Rowe, happens to be the author of the much famed Playboy Advisor. Recently, Chip published Dear Playboy Advisor, a compilation of his favorite letters from the past decade and, of course, his replies. Chip can be pretty funny (indeed, one letter asks for his advice, but grumbles “I don’t want any of your usual coy or sarcastic bullshit, either. I need some practical advice.” Well yeah: he was asking for advice on how to “pick up” models. Unluckily for him, they don’t have handles.)

Anyway, here are some of my favorite Advisor come-backs — get the book to see the complete answers.

Q: Is there a subtle way to ask how a new lover feels about spanking?
A: Besides the fact that they never sit down? It’s hit or miss.

Q: Is it okay to masturbate while wearing boxing gloves?
A: Sure. Knock yourself out.

Q: Has there ever been a successful penis transplant?
A: Are you in search of one or looking to donate?

Q: Is there such a thing as 3-D porn?
A: Sure. Open your eyes during sex. Porn shot in 3D, like porn that’s not shot in 3D, is mostly disappointing.

Q: I have tried in vain to explain to my girlfriend that we are not friends, just as a parent is not his child’s friend. While elements of friendship might be present in these relationships, calling each other friends isn’t accurate. Help!
A: Are you expecting to get laid anytime soon, Mr. Spock?

Q: I met a gorgeous woman at a party. As we spoke, I noticed her touching her neck in the area where her blouse button would be. Any idea what that meant?
A: She wanted you. Or she lost her necklace. Hard to say.

Q: I read an article that says intelligent guys, because they have no social skills and overanalyze dating situations, have trouble with women. True?
A: Genius is a burden, but we’ve managed.

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What is your personality type?

 

News of the Weird

‘Most Interesting Man’ cutout gets ticket

Washington state trooper gives man $124 citation

Author: By Todd Leopold CNN Published On: Mar 25 2015 10:27:34 AM CDT

(CNN) – Call it “The Most Interesting Traffic Ticket in the World.”

A Washington state trooper caught a driver using a cardboard cutout of Jonathan Goldsmith, the Dos Equis beer pitchman known as “The Most Interesting Man in the World.” The driver, who was by himself, was attempting to use the HOV lane.

“The trooper immediately recognized it was a prop and not a passenger,” Trooper Guy Gill told the New York Daily News. “As the trooper approached, the driver was actually laughing.”

Gill sent out a tweet with a photo of the cutout — who was clad in what looked like a knit shirt, a far cry from his usual attire — and the unnamed laughing driver: “I don’t always violate the HOV lane law…but when I do, I get a $124 ticket! We’ll give him an A for creativity!”

The driver was caught on Interstate 5 near Fife, Washington, just outside Tacoma.

“He could have picked a less recognizable face to put on his prop,” Gill told the Daily News. “We see that a lot. Usually it’s a sleeping bag. This was very creative.”

Tale of the IDIOT

When last we left Impish he was slowly recovering from being under the weather.

Holy $#%@&! I won the Enchanted Forest Board election in a bad year for Ds (News is talking about Dragons, right?) Now what do I do? Stupid pointy-face horse won too and is talking about forming glitter caucus.

Dragon Diaries Part Four

Went to my first Enchanted Forest Board Meeting. Very frustrating. Spent 3 hrs. arguing over obviously moot point. Clear who was going to win before debate even started. Final vote came in 74-6.

Must not ated fellow board members. Must not ated fellow board members. Must not…

Fall sun has gotten much lower in the sky. Not hitting cat’s bed anymore. Had to cut bigger window. No. Cat is not spoiled. Just ask cat.

Got note from pointy-face horse that glitter caucus is NOT open to big smelly lizards. Asked valet Weasley to dig out Jumbo book of Unicorn Recipes again. Might be worth the indigestion.

What the hell is this white stuff? It fell from the sky! And it’s cold! Do not want!

Used fire breath to melt white stuff in front of cave. Mistake. Now have giant patch of slippy stuff. Nearly fell on my…cat.

Finally got slippy stuff melted away. Then more of the damn white stuff fell. Thinking about napping till March.

Still cold, and now there’s more white stuff on the ground. Not sure whose idea this was, but I’m totally going to ated them.

Tiamat’s witnesses came to tell how Tiamat is source of all things. Me: “Even the cold white stuff from the sky?” Them: “Yes, all things.” So I ated them.

The white stuff stopped falling. Cat says is a co-oincidence and something about correlation and causation, but not to worry because ateding door-to-door sales-initiates is a good thing anyway.

Ated entire roasted roc. Well, almost. Gave cat the giblets, all fifty pounds. Going to hibernate now. Wake me in spring.

Trollscouts just came to cave selling wreaths & cookies. I ated them. The wreaths and the trollscouts that is. The cookies looked a little dicey.

The wreaths were delicious. I could have done without the trollscouts.

Trollscout troll scoutmaster stopped by to lodge complaint about ateding his scouts, said that was his job. I ated him too.

Much better tasting than the scouts, though I still think the wreaths were the best part of that meal.

Beginning to think Trollscouts just a scam to bring soft and crunchy children in for troll scoutmasters to ated. Am now thinking of forming dragonscouts…

If only I could be guaranteed a better class of scout…or at least a tastier one.

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Leprechaun Laughs # 293 for Saturday 03/28/15


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Way to crash and burn me Mulder! Wing man of the Year material you ain’t. We’ll take more about you and Scully in a bit, but first I’ve got an issue to introduce.

No I’m not Impish too bloody right.

Impish had a family emergency and I’m covering for him.  If anyone were so inclined a little Prayer Warrior &/or Bead rubbing/ positive vibes type action would not be amiss. He should be back next weekend or you might possibly hear from him with some sort of update/advisory on his situation at some later point in the weekend.

Hate to be terse, uninformative and run but its after 11 PM CST this has to get uploaded by midnight and I really didn’t have any opening comments planned for this issue as I jumped it ahead in my cue at 10:30 and finished it in half an hour. Please for give any lack of polish or mistakes.

Mean while-

 Let's Roll 26

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Mr. Positive

There was a guy named John, who was the most positive guy in the whole world. Every time anyone said something negative, John would always say, “It could have been worse.”

One day, John’s coworkers all got together and decided to come up with a scenario so bad that John couldn’t say that it could have been worse.

When John arrived at work that day, one of his coworkers asked him, “John did you hear what happened to Sam last night?”

John replied, “No, what?”

The coworker replied, “When Sam got home last night, he found his wife in bed with another man. Sam shot the man, his wife, and then turned the gun on himself!”

John replied, “Well, it could have been worse.”

In disgust the coworker replied, “Now how could that have been any worse?”

John replied, “Because if it had been the night before, he would have shot me!

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Two blonde prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:


Two Prostitutes — $50.00

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:

Jesus Saves

One of the blondes asks the officer, “How come you don’t stop them?!”

“Well, that’s a little different,” the officer smiled. “Their sign pertains to religion.”

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the same two blonde ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter — $50.00

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Sometimes its not about the meal itself but rather the accompaniments or condiments. Here are a couple quick easy ones that can make a plain meal stand out

Light Carrot-Ginger Dressing

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Total Time: 10 min
Prep: 10 min
Yield: 1 cup
Level: Easy

Ingredients

1 medium carrot, roughly chopped
2 tablespoons chopped peeled ginger
1 teaspoon packed light brown sugar
2 tablespoons rice vinegar (not seasoned)
1 teaspoon fresh lemon juice
2 teaspoons low-sodium soy sauce
2 teaspoons sesame oil
Kosher salt

Directions

Put the carrot and 1 cup water in a small saucepan. Bring to a simmer over medium-low heat and cook until tender, about 15 minutes. Reserve 1/2 cup cooking liquid, then drain the carrot.
Puree the carrot and reserved cooking liquid in a blender until smooth. Add the ginger, brown sugar, vinegar, lemon juice, soy sauce, sesame oil and teaspoon salt; pulse until smooth.

No rice vinegar? Me either. I use about half the amount of white vinegar instead. Makes great condiment on most any steamed veg or salad. Not bad drizzled on Chicken or Salmon either.

Italian Salsa

Killer on a Italian Roast Beef and Provolone sandwich, Chicken/Pork cutlets or seafood.

Ingredients

8 piquante peppers, seeded and diced (recommended: Peppadew)
4 Roma tomatoes, seeded and small diced
1/3 cup minced red onion
1/4 cup chopped Italian parsley leaves
2 tablespoons capers, 1 tablespoon roughly chopped, 1 tablespoon whole
2 tablespoons piquante pepper juice
1 tablespoon minced garlic, about 2 cloves
1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil
1 teaspoon freshly cracked black pepper
Pinch kosher salt

Directions

Combine all the ingredients in a nonreactive bowl. Set aside and allow the flavors to marry.

RELAX!Piquante Peppers’ is essentially just a brand name for cherry peppers. You can usually find them in the store in the area of pickled veggies. Generally they come in red &/or green. Some makers mix them some segregate (much to the consternation of ACLU & So. Poverty Law Center Cooks everywhere). Can’t find them? Use pepperoncini peppers in their stead

Personally I use the green ones when making this because of the added color boost it gives. If your capers are the kind in salt as opposed to brine be sure to give them a quick rinse or omit the Kosher salt entirely.

The juice from the jar of peppers is as much about the vinegar in the brine and it is the heat in the juice. To make it a bit milder you can omit the juice and replace it with lemon juice or balsamic vinegar.

Lastly a grilled slice of EVOO brushed baguette rubbed post grilling with a garlic clove topped with an 1/8 thick slice of fresh farmers cheese or Queso Fresco/ Queso Blanco and some of this Italian salsa makes for killer hors d’oeuvres.

  


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‘X-Files’ returning to Fox for six episodes

(CNN) Smoking Man, time to light another cigarette.

Fox announced Tuesday that “The X-Files,” the series about the paranormal that ran for nine seasons in the ’90s and early ’00s, is returning for a special six-episode “event.”

Stars David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson are both back to play Fox Mulder and Dana Scully, those FBI agents who always got a little too close to the truth.

” ‘The X-Files’ was not only a seminal show for both the studio and the network, it was a worldwide phenomenon that shaped pop culture — yet remained a true gem for the legions of fans who embraced it from the beginning. We’re ecstatic to give them the next thrilling chapter of Mulder and Scully they’ve been waiting for,” Fox executives Dana Walden and Gary Newman said in a statement.

Anderson wasted no time in tweeting the news.

    Mulder, it’s me. Are you ready? MT @MichaelAusiello XF Revival Official @DavidDuchovny & @GillianA Back for 6 New Eps http://t.co/qZi1v8RazZ

    — Gillian Anderson (@GillianA) March 24, 2015

    “The X-Files” concerned Mulder, an FBI agent who believes in paranormal phenomena, and Scully, who served as a check on his impulses. The series produced some memorable characters — particularly the Smoking Man, a key focal point of the series’ various conspiracy theories — and resulted in two movies.

    Vince Gilligan, who later created “Breaking Bad,” got his start on “The X-Files” and occasionally paid tribute to the show on his later series.

    Show creator Chris Carter, who will also oversee the new series, said he thought of the hiatus between 2002, when the “X-Files” went off the air, and this year as “a 13-year commercial break.”

    But the timing is perfect, he added in a statement.

    “The good news is the world has only gotten that much stranger, a perfect time to tell these six stories,” he said.

    No premiere date was announced.

    Monkey See Hear tell

    The Arnold Schwarzenegger Affair

    Arnold Schwarzenegger waited until after his term as governor of California ended to tell his wife that he had fathered a child with one of their “household staff” members — ten years before. She left him.

    With that, we offer this joke…

    Saying that he now has Total Recall, Arnold Schwarzenegger told his wife Maria Shriver that he was done telling True Lies, and gave her The Rundown. He promised that the household servant was positively his Last Action Hero. He said he had been taking care of Junior financially because the woman had refused his Eraser proposal. The Villain was just grateful she didn’t have Twins.

    By The 6th Day after her husband’s confession, Maria had embarked on The Long Goodbye toward the End of Days — “Who’s the Terminator now, bucko?” she said before slamming the door behind her.

    The governor’s mistress, referred to in reports only as “Red Sonja” (who attracted Ahnold in the first place by going Commando around the mansion), insists the governor was a Predator who was often in Red Heat around her. Still, she had to admit she enjoyed his favorite bedtime game, Around the World in 80 Days, and said the 63-year-old governor was still capable of Pumping Iron.

    Schwarzenegger’s reputation is in shambles, and he claims he has gotten a Raw Deal. He has become a Running Man who can’t seem to get anyone to answer his calls. His career in shambles, it seems the only job he qualifies for now is as a Kindergarten Cop.

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    The Sensitive Man

    A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

    It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn’t mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

    They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, “Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?”

    She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

    After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, “Well, how was it?”

    The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

    “Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.”

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    DL Introspection Header

    What If Food Was Dirty and Sex Was Clean?

    All ya’ll best don your Gallagher Protection Ponchos and safety glasses before proceeding. I’m guessing Impish’s head exploded before he’s more than halfway through this next bit as his mind boggles then finally overloads.

    When you think of it, there are only two things you need to make people. You got to have sex. You got to have food. That’s it. You don’t need clothing, shelter, or TV. Okay, maybe TV, but otherwise, it’s sex and food. But for some reason, sex is “dirty”. Maybe God was a Republican. Somebody said, “All right, you want to propagate, go ahead, but only late at night, with all the doors closed, the lights off, the man on top — once a week, and that’s it.”

    But not only can you eat the charred decaying flesh of other major mammals, you can do it in broad daylight and invite all your friends to watch: “Hey, Chuck, why don’t you come over on Sunday? We’re going to kill a pig, cut him up, burn him, and eat him. Bring the kids. We’ll have a hell of a time.”

    What if they had been switched around? What if, through a simple twist of fate, sex was clean but food was dirty? Our entire culture would change. Food would become a four-letter word.

    When people got angry at you, they’d yell out “Oh yeah? Well, food you. Suck cheese you Popsicle slurper.”

    Punks in passing cars would flip you the fork.

    Flashers would have pizzas strapped to their chests. “Ohmigod. It’s a pepperoni.”

    Locker room talk would change. “Hey, man, how’d you do this weekend?” “Two burgers and a bag of fries. Crinkle cut.” “Ooooohhhhhhh, sweet!

    Garlic would be illegal in most Southern states.

    Supermarkets would check I.D.’s and charge admission to the poultry section.

    Frederick’s of Hollywood would feature peekaboo napkins and day-of-the-week paper plates.

    Foreplay would be listed as a menu selection.

    Vice squads would conduct raids on backyard barbecues. “All right, put down your meat. Just back away from the buns, mister.”

    Vegetarians would be prohibited from becoming teachers and a lot of them would move to the Bay Area.

    Hookers would become cooks. You’d be accosted on street corners by plump ladies in day-Glo aprons. “Hey, big boy, looking for a hot meal? Wanna crack some crab?”

    Fundamentalist Christians would make meat and potatoes a religious tenet.

    Many sexual positions would be found to be carcinogenic.

    Parents would tell their children not to play with their food or they’ll go blind.

    And most of all…

    Kids would remember the first time their mother caught them marinating.

     

    Tale of the IDIOT

    When last we left Impish he had just discovered that eating Tiamat’s worshipers was not unlike eating a bag of Cheetos, you always want just a few more.

    Just sent letter to Tiamat’s witnesses asking them to send more missionaries. Want to try new recipe Aunt Kayath gave me.

    Am thinking of trying vegetarian diet for a week or two to clean out the pipes. No ateding carnivores or omnivores. Aunt Kayath swears by it. She recommends elves only, but that seems a little extreme.

    Not looking forward to Enchanted Forest Board elections. Don’t like to lose. But not so sure winning is a win over the long run. Wish I could ated elf that nominated me again. Once wasn’t enough.

    Had door-to-door encyclopedia salesman today. Delicious. Wonder if ateding books too will make me smarter?

    Learned today that fire breath + head cold + sneeze = flaming snot napalm. Cat is fine but not going to forgive me soon.

    Cat is still VERY fluffy today. One little flaming snot incident and it’s big-tail city. You’d think I started the litter box on fire intentionally. It’s not like cat didn’t have time to get out of the way. Maybe if I fetch a fish…

    Learned another lesson about dragon colds. Toasted knights! They’re wonderful for your throat—scritchy outside and gooey inside. Oh and great with tomato soup.

    Stupid cold. Stupid fever. Woke up to find cat putting kettle on my forehead for tea. I’m not _that_ hot. Threatened to sneeze on litterbox again.

    Feeling much better. Have a craving for Tiamat’s witnesses. Perhaps I can stop in at the restau…church and pick up a six-pack.

    Cat talked me into flu shot. They used a HARPOON! No, literally, said the salvaged it from an old whaler just for dragons. Painful _and_ humiliating.

    Suppose it could have been worse. They could have used pointy-face horse horn.

    Cat is asleep on my head. Looks rather like a cute feline mohawk. Especially since cat’s blankie is a purple plushie. Not sparkly. Maybe fuzzy, fuzzy, fuzzy?

    Still a tiny bit sick. Was drinking iced tea and sneezed fire down the straw. Burned the tea on the bottom. Love the smoky flavor it created. Will do that again, only without the sneeze part.

    Posted in Uncategorized | 6 Comments