Leprechaun Laugh Party Facility Tour Issue for July 1st 2015

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Good Morning Campers,
As we mentioned last week, I will be covering Lethal’s Wednesday and he will be covering my Saturday…except, he sent me the following to include in my issue.  So, in essence, he has done both the Saturday special issue for Independence Day AND his usual Wednesday issue.  All I’m really doing is adding a few comments, a little at the end and calling it done.

Man!  What a great PAL he is!

So…without further ado…I give you, Lethal Leprechaun:

OK so before we get swamped with anymore questions from you distraught/concerned party planning to attend readers let’s address the Impish sized elephant in the room.

Relax Impish there is  no actual elephant its just a figure of speech. Sheesh!

As I was saying…For some reason this year the 4th falling on a Saturday is causing employers all sorts of confusion. Some are giving their people Friday off, some are giving them Monday off (probably expecting they’ll still be recovering) and still others are giving off nothing. I know you’re all concerned about getting you maximum amount of party time in so we’re  covering both bases.

THE ANNUAL DL/LL DIGITAL MEDIA INDEPENDENCE DAY EXTRAVAGANSA WILL COMMENCE AT 6 PM ON THURSDAY JULY 2nd WITH EARLY CHECK IN FOR PATRONS AND CONTINUE TO RUN UNABATED THRU 6PM ON MONDAY JULY 6TH.

As with our Memorial Day party, anyone found wandering the grounds still attempting to party after that time will be pressed into service with the clean up crew and held against their will until the entire party mountain is spic and span. You will accomplish this using your own toothbrush. Fair warning given!

Finished Party Facility Photos

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Two new views of the now totally completed Gatehouse Facility which houses the Gatehouse Bar & Grill on the lower level, the facilities entrance area and the Patron’s accommodations. The inner courtyard on the second level via the skylights looks down on the Gatehouse Bar & grill for those interested in keeping track of their spouses, lovers or booty call partners.

imageSpeaking of the Gatehouse Bar & Grill, stop by and cast you vote for your favorite version of the Bloody Mary, the Bloody Dragon as shown here, or the Bloody Molly shown here.

I vote for the Bloody Dragon!

Patron’s Dining Area

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Breakfast Service

Breakfast Service starts at 4 AM when the most of the areas will close for cleaning and restocking until 6AM. We’ve anticipated a variety of needs for breakfast from fresh hot donuts and baked goods to breakfast burritos and biscuits for those who want to eat a light breakfast to more substantial things for those needing either to fuel up for the day ahead or to soak up some of that alcohol. Biscuits and Gravy (w/ or w/o an egg), full on Irish & English breakfasts for those of you from across the pond, egg benedict, a meat lovers breakfast, French toast breakfasts (pictured to go but all breakfasts are available to go to take back to your rooms) a traditional Pancake breakfast, heck we’ve even got Smore’s Pancakes with warm dark chocolate drizzle for those wanting to experience the intimate in sugar rushes&/or diabetic comas

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Of course a full assortment of breakfast beverages are available, including for this party only my own Brown Gold coffee blend and custom blended Earl Grey and Irish Breakfast teas along with more than a dozen types of juice and 8 different smoothies. Oh wow!  Brown Gold and Orange Juice!  We even have those of you who feel compelled to play with your food covered:

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You can get it with French toast fingers or plank cut fried and griddled potatoes.

Open Air (seasonally) Wine & Cigar Bar

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You can relax in our Wine & Cigar bar out of the sun but still (weather permitting open to the outdoors or you can lounge pools side and work on your tan while enjoying the music and a nice glass of wine.

If you guys lose track of me, look here first!  This is where I’ll be spending most of my time.  A Cuban in one hand and a special glass of wine in the other.

Normally it’s a Blues/Jazz Bar however for the opening weekend we’ve managed to snare several well known acts which will play multiple times throughout the weekend:

The Piano Guys:

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2CELLOS:

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Bond String  Quartet:

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 It will be featuring the fruits of our latest venture ‘Celtic Blues Vineyards’ wines as well as both Impish and my personal labels :

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Speaking of wine here’s a little wine related tip to help with your party enjoyment:

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You can enjoy any of them on the Wine & Cigar Bars partially covered deck though you might need to beware the ‘sun napping’ dragon as this is rapidly becoming a favorite place of his to relax after a hard day of being Impish Dragon or Mr. Blue.  True.  I do like lounging in the sun.

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Though I strongly suggest if you encounter this situation you accommodate it with good humor. Impish learned the hard way the wisdom of these sage words of advice. Rumor has it that head/ear scratches, belly rubs and the odd bit of meat removed from the tails of shrimp cocktails will be gratefully received if you encounter any Ninja kitties like this

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As you can clearly see the Ninja Kitties are more than ready for the party and have even gone so far as to dress for it. IU wouldn’t suggest trying to keep up with them unless you are a mythical creature- they do have 9 lives to party with after all.

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Here’s a look at an outdoor portion of the completed tube ride:

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The waterfall feature of the tube ride. [As you can see a few people are hard at work finishing up one of Impish’s ‘hidden napping spots’ under the falls. Originally the area was just meant to house some of the controls for the water ride and access to the piping. However dragons will be dragons and after several mishaps with tails and piping we were forced to enlarge it to accommodate a napping dragon.]

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Eventually the falls will take you to our water slide at the picnic area:

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Where you’ll be carefully watched over by our capable lifeguards. Here are a couple now:

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Water slides or pools with in pool bars not your thing? Take the other fork  of the float ride then leading to a more tranquil & relaxing area:

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Fire pit will be lit at night

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 (Don’t worry about the Ghostrider he’s just there to insure a successful proper campfire!) however anyone caught taking unfair/forced advantage of another guest or  behaving in an inappropriate manner might ‘accidentally’ find themselves on the receiving end of his Penance Stare. Fair warning given!

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and  S’mores materials will of course be readily available.  Be sure to Try the Dragon S’mores! Grilled Marshmallows & Nutella on Freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.  In addition we have S’mores brownies for those too lazy to actually make their own as well as banana and strawberry varieties

 

Or you can chill out in one of the several pools dotting the facility:

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and perhaps work on your tan.

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Watch out for unintended tan lines however!

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Be warned however than what happens beneath the water might be observed as several of the pools have glass sides which are viewable from one of our bars.

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 Continuing on with the subject of our water features-

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The geothermal heated hot springs are now completed for nice relaxing soaks. As you can see we’ve taken great pains to incorporate them  into the natural landscaping and keep the lighting to a minimum for the after dark fun and frolic crowd! image

We also have multiple party Jacuzzi tub/pool arrangements.

With all this activity and heat it will be important to stay hydrated so avail yourself of a can of something cold from one of our wander Beverage Babes.

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The cans are icy cold and come in a koozie to keep it that way for as long as possible. Guys, we would ask that once you finish tipping (which is of course not required and entirely optional) one of our Beverage Babes you return her to her original upright position and allow her to continue her mission of rehydration as soon as possible.

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You won’t be wasting any time hosing the Chlorine or Dragon slobber off between activities either! We have the latest in shower technology for your rinsing off guaranteed to never run out of hot water and take practically no time at all.

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Of course if your in mind for a more leisurely post pool/dragon tongue bath shower, there are the showers located outside the private cabanas if you’re a Patron. OR the ‘party shower in the gatehouse for those of you interested in some good clean wet adult fun.

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After a morning of partying you’ll probably be hungry we’re well prepared for that. Fortunately I was able to procure the services of Hogwarts Kitchen Staff for the summer parties which means fantastic amounts and varieties of food.

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We’ve got your sandwich needs covered. Meatball sub on toasted garlic bread, All manner of Crosandwiches, Chicken and Waffle sandwich, Rubens with my own magical pastrami or try my favorite, the New Yorker- 1/2 Pastrami & 1/2 Corned Beef! Dagwood Clubs you’ll have to unhinge your jaw for (unless you’re a dragon or troll) and and Italian Hoagie with unabashedly sassy Giardiniera relish that will make you sing the Tarantella Napolitana from the Godfather. Oh wait! Did I forget to mention the whole loaf of Italian bread Chicken &/or Veal Parmesan subs?

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We’re not picturing the burgers (12 kinds)  hot dogs (6 kinds), grilled sausages (8 kinds). VEGITARIAN BURGERS?! SOY DOGS?! THROW THAT PANSEY AZZED LIBERAL OUT OF HERE NOW!

As I was saying, we don’t have the space and/or time to show those as well as all the standard sides for a party of this nature. Those are an automatic given, though probably several notches above what you are used to.

SIGH! What now?! OK! OK Already Impish! Apparently I an required to show you his hot dog creation, ‘The Dragon Dog’ before  pressing on. Its 6 foot long Nathan’s hot dogs, chili, bacon, pickled Jalapenos, yellow mustard and 3 kinds of white cheese on a split sub roll as seen here:

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We’ve got you pizza cravings covered too. Breakfast pizzas, Pizzas big enough to feed hungry dragons, deep dish pizzas, pizza by the slice, pizza fries and even Sloppy Joe Pizza Bagels!

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By the way- did I mention the fact you have the option of getting your pizza from our wood fired oven or off a grill?

As you are going through the tour, you notice that your feet are beginning to get wet.  Looking around for a leak, you notice Impish Dragon drooling gallons and gallons of drool, all over the stage and running down into the audience.
Damn it Lethal!  Now I’m stuck between all the wonderful food choices and I can’t  make up my mind.  I’m frozen solid with indecision and will probably be stuck here till I starve!  That is if I don’t dehydrate myself to death with drooling!
And it’s all your fault!
What do you mean, there’s more?!
Oh Shit!
There’s MORE!

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You’ve a hankerin’  for some TexMex/Mexican? Nada Problamo Pardner!

Super Nachos ( 4 kinds), Double stacked Quesadillas (6 kinds), Taquitos (4 kinds) Fajitas/Tacos ( 6 ways), Enchiladas 4 ways, BBQ fries (made with the burnt ends of brisket & p0rk plus our own special BBQ sauce and a ladle of chili)  Brisket rubbed with ‘Leprechaun Dust’ and slow smoked, Pulled Pork so falling apart tender you won’t even need to chew it and of course ribs ( 2 styles of pork plus beef , & beefalo).

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Asian Cuisine? Your covered! Szechuan,  Noodle Bowls (43 options to pick and choose from w/ no limit other than what you can cram in the bowl), Sushi (3 types and up to 18 different kinds), Egg Rolls, Wok Fried Black Pepper & Garlic shrimp, Dumplings/Pot Stickers (4 kinds & 2 ways)

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plus all the normal mundane dishes you can think of

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While you digest all that you might want to spend a little quiet time in one for our Video Gaming Suites , or the Media Library (last photo is from the other end showing access to the interior of the media stacks. With over 250,000, movies and music albums on hand you might be a while.

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or, if you’re a Patron and got here early enough to have a choice of Patron’s Rooms, you might get to retire to your room for a snooze in this unique and novel bed while feeling like a King or Queen!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NOW, I really need to get back to working to the Independence Day Issue itself and supervising the final details and loading in of all the food stuffs and Potables. I’m sure there is a pile of stuff I missed but I still have the next issue to cover it .

Oh one last thing, my personal thanks to Impish’s private harem of Virgins for acting in the capacity of both Facility Beta testers for the last week as well as models for this tour of the facilities.

There is no way in hell I’m even going to try to compete with THAT!!!!

Oh my gawd!  What a fantastic tour!

And you know what’s even crazier?  There’s even more coming on Saturday!  Yup!  There sure is!

So, let’s round out this issue with …

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Impish Dragon is sitting at his desk, with his feet up, working on his computer.  By looking at him, his fingers poised over the keyboard, but not moving, you would think that he was stuck in a thought or perhaps, as the seconds go by and turn into minutes, that he is catatonic, for no typing is taking place, but his eyes are wide open and unstaring into the distance.  To those fellow members of team D.R.A.G.O.N. who know him, they would not be surprised by this action as it seems to take place several times a day.  Usually Impish, a.k.a. Mr. Blue, is asleep with his eyes open, off in day dream land thinking of the latest pastry or virgin he will have for lunch, or perhaps, on a good day, trying to think of another word for the fourth or fifth meal of the day that the hobbits haven’t already thought of.

But not today.  Today is different.  Today, an inner battle is raging turmoil in his overly large, but underutilized brain.  Why don’t we peek in on him and see what chaos is fermenting above his brain pan.  Follow me as we walk across his shoulder, climb into his ear canal and walk down the long empty corridor towards his brain.  You can hear your footsteps echo in here.  You’d think that would disturb him and wake him from his state, but as you can see, he doesn’t even raise his had to scratch his ear.

Okay, we turn left here.  You wonder where we’d go if we turned right?  Well, eventually, we’d end up coming out one of his nostrils, and trust me when I tell you, that is not any fun.

Okay, we have two choices here.  The left door goes to his conscious mind and the right to his unconscious.  Let’s try the left one first.

The door opens with a loud creaking and seems to get stuck after only a couple of inches.  You give a huge push and the door opens a little further with a horrendous groan.

A little bit of WD-40 would go a long way in here, don’t you think?  Well, as you can see, there isn’t ANYTHING going on in his conscious mind.  And from the looks of Mr. Dragon from the outside, I suppose that’s not too surprising.  Let’s try the other door.

With much pushing and shoving you manage to get the left door closed with a commiserate amount of groaning and squealing from the door.  You approach the second door and can hear at least two distinct voices coming from the other side.  When you open this door, you are surprised when it opens very quietly as if it’s gotten a lot of use and care.  After listening carefully for a few seconds it’s easy to identify the different voices.  Let’s listen in.

Mr. Blue: Explain to me again what you think it is we’re doing here…and who you are exactly.

Mr. Gray:  I’m you.  Well, part of you.  You should remember, that you have three distinct forms you can change into.  You got that so far, big guy?

Mr. Blue: Yeah, I can change into three forms.  A mature blue dragon, complete with scales, wings, tail, flying, fire breathing, the whole nine-yards.

 

Mr. Gray:  Correct.  In that form you are the traditional dragon that razes villages, eats villagers, eats virgins in the traditional sense, etc.

 

Mr. Blue: Right.  And I can change into my smaller dragon form.  Traditionally known as Impish Dragon…

 

Impish Dragon: I’m hungry.  I’m horny.  Hee, Hee, Hee!  I’m hungry and horny.  Hee, Hee, Hee!  Feed me or f….

 

Mr. Blue and Mr.  Gray: Shut up, Impish!

 

Mr. Blue:  Anyway, Impish is my public persona that is most well-known amongst the staff and members of Dragon Laffs.  He’s the “face” of Dragon Laffs if you get my drift.  With my help, he is usually a fairly capable fellow…

 

Impish Dragon: Oh look!  Shiny!

 

Mr. Blue: …but when he’s on his own, and I am otherwise occupied plotting and planning he tends to get himself in trouble.  Most of the time that Mr. Green is upset with us, it’s because I’ve allowed him too much control and he ends up doing something stupid.  Also, changing forms is very taxing and I end up having to rest, which gives him more control.  Anyway, it’s been a work in progress for several hundred years and we’re still working the bugs out of the system.

 

Mr. Gray: But you have a third form…

 

Mr. Blue:  Yes … I do … but I’m finding it very hard to remember who or what that third form is.  It’s like it’s right there … and I could reach out and touch it … but it is just out of reach.  It’s actually very annoying.

 

Mr. Gray:  Why don’t you sit down Mr. Blue.

 

Mr. Blue:  Um … not to point too fine a point on this but, we’re having this conversation inside my head.  It’s totally dark in here and how can you tell if we’re sitting or standing.

 

Impish Dragon:  Gold coins and virgins.  Virgins and gold coins.  There’s a song in that somewhere.  Where’s Lethal Leprechaun?  He’s good with songs.  Lethal?  Hey my little green buddy, where are you?  Lethal?

 

Mr. Gray:  Okay, I’m going to turn the lights on, but I don’t want you to be surprised.

As you watch, the blackness begins to lighten and you begin to see the outline of a black cavern.  Right in front of you is a huge blue dragon, laying on his belly, his front paws resting under his chin, while his large, elongated snout points towards a human man, standing in front of him.  As they come into focus a short puff of smoke comes out of the dragons maw and the man takes a step back waving his hand in front of his nose.  Near the edges of the blackness you can see Impish Dragon peering into the darkness.  You assume he is looking for Lethal Leprechaun, but you can’t ever be really sure.

Mr. Gray:  Gez, Mr. Blue.  What the hell did you have for lunch?  Never mind.  Now, does my being here bring to mind what your third form is?

Mr. Blue:  Well, just hazarding a guess here…

Impish Dragon:  Are we a kobold?  Kobolds are Kool!  Hee, Hee, Hee!  See what I did there?

Mr. Blue and Mr. Gray: Shut up, Impish!

 

Mr. Blue: As I was saying, I’d assume my third form is human.

 

Mr. Gray: Right…and…?

 

Mr. Blue:  You!  You’re my third form?

 

Mr. Gray:  Exactly.

 

Mr. Blue: But how … who … and why don’t I remember?

 

Mr. Gray:  To answer all those questions, let’s start with who.  You can call me Bob…or Mr. Gray.  Before we all started D.R.A.G.O.N. you knew everything about me.  You WERE me.  But, it was decided that, due to operational security, we needed to separate our identities between the two dragons on one side and the human on the other.  Without going too much into the reasons behind that, let’s just suffice it to say that it was important.

Mr. Blue: And now it’s not?

Mr. Gray: Oh no!  It’s just as important now as it ever was.  The problem is,

Impish Dragon: Lethal?  Where are you Lethal?  I’ve got a story for you … no … wait … a song!  I’ve got a song for you!  Lethal?

Mr. Gray: ahem… the problem is, the use of the flashy thingy that Mr. Green uses on us, is beginning to have less and less of an effect on us and our personalities are beginning to blend again.  Now, personally, I don’t find that to be such a bad thing.  I can help you, as I did in the past, with our little blue friend over there  …

Impish Dragon:  You fracking green midget, where the hell are you?

Mr. Gray … from getting himself into trouble and lessen the beatings he gets and between the two of us, our mission success can only go up as we have the freedom to use all of our talents.  Now, the problem is …

Mr. Blue: Mr. Green.

Mr. Gray: Exactly.  I’m quite sure he will be concerned with mission security, and rightly so.  We have become more of a liability.  Not so much that I think it outweighs the benefit, mind you.  But, I’m not sure that Mr. Green, and in turn HIS boss, will see it that way.  And I can’t say I blame him.  Since he’s not inside here …

Mr. Blue: Yeah, it’s crowded enough as it is.

Mr. Gray: …to see the precautions we’ll put into place, he can’t know for sure that they will work, even though we will KNOW that they will.  So, here’s what we’re going to do.  If I push on this, right here…

Mr. Blue: Stop!  That feels … weird!

Mr. Gray:  Right, so trust me, if I exert just a little MORE pressure, you will forget everything that has to do with me.

Mr. Blue:  Okay, but what if you’re on the outside? If I push there, you’ll still remember.

Mr. Gray:  Exactly, so you’d push right there.  NO!  Not now.  It only takes a little pressure to accomplish the job.

Mr. Blue: So then, how do we put ourselves back together again.

Mr. Gray:  Good question.  If that happens, all you have to do is wait until it’s safe and double tap … LIGHTLY … the same spot and whoever is on the inside will put the memories back for the person on the outside.

Mr. Blue:  You’re sure it will work?

Mr. Gray:  Absolutely positive.  The only thing is, there has to be at least one hour, sixty minutes, between the pushing of the spot.  You can cause permanent damage if you do it in any less time than that.  And even at that, at the one hour point, it’s going to be painful.  The longer you can wait to press the spot, the easier it would be.  After about three hours, there will be almost no pain at all.  Well, comparatively.

Mr. Blue: Comparatively, what does that mean?

 

Mr. Gray:  Well, there’s always going to be SOME pain.  But, let’s not worry about that right now.  There’s some other things we need to discuss and we can’t count on us not being disturbed from the outside.  Although it will be easier and easier for us to communicate as we go.  Practice makes perfect.  Now, I believe that Mr. Green and Chitty already think something is going on with us, so we have to appear to all outward appearances …

You are suddenly yanked out of the conversation inside the dragon’s head as a bellowing leprechaun comes into your office.

Lethal Leprechaun comes right up beside you and yells, “IMPISH DRAGON, WHAT IN ALL THE NINE-HELLS ARE YOU DOING SLEEPING WHEN YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FINISHING THAT BE-DAMNED REPORT FOR ME!!!”

 

Impish Dragon leaps to his feet with a gasp and a cry and a crash, as liquid forms a puddle between his feet.  Both the dragon and the leprechaun look down and while Lethal Leprechaun starts laughing, Impish says, “Dammit Lethal, you made me spill my coffee!  And BREAK one of my favorite mugs!”

 

As Lethal Leprechaun leaves Impish’s office he can be heard to say, “Sure me boyo.  Sure.  If that’s the story you want to stick to, I’ll not be sayin’ any different.  Hey Terrance!  Guess who I just made piss his pants!  Har! Har! Har!”

 

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Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Dragonlaffs #1441

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Good Morning Campers,

Quite the week I’ve had.  I’ve been busy every day.  Lots and lots of things are going on in the Dragon household.  I really, really hope that in my issue on Wednesday (yes, I’m doing the Wednesday issue this week, as Lethal told you last Wednesday) that I have a HUGE announcement to make.  But, I don’t want to announce early for fear of jinxing things. So, stay tuned!

Lethal Leprechaun will be doing a grand Independence Day Issue on Saturday.  I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait!  And then the Huge 4 day party!!!

AND!!!! The Grand Opening of the new recreation mountain!!  We’ve been talking about it for months!  It all started with Ginny’s affair with Santa and getting him to build us a very special pool…and it just took off from there.  You REALLY want to get invited to this party!  Of course, all our sponsors, those who’ve donated to the blog (even just a $1!) have a standing invitation.  Not only that, they will have use of the facilities any time they want.  Donation time (our annual begging for cash) is coming around soon.  Just think, you can get use of the recreational mountain, too.

Anyway, Lots of stuff for you to laugh at today, lots of things for you to ponder.  So, before we get too maudlin …

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This one is from my dad….and it’s called “The Old Cowboy, When You’re Over Seventy, Who Gives A Crap!”  I think you’ll catch on pretty quick.

Cowboy: “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.”

Cashier: “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”

Cowboy: “Nah… She’s purty good lookin’…..”

When you are over seventy who gives a crap?

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,

“If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your

hair cut, you’d look all right.”

I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over

there instead of you.”

When you are over seventy who gives a crap?

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess

what day a woman was born on just by feeling her boobs.

“Really” she said, “Go on then…try.”

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose

patience and said, “Come on, what day was I born?”

I said, “Yesterday.”

When you are over seventy who gives a crap?

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you are over seventy who gives a crap?

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing

on a table. I said, “Good legs.”

The girl giggled and said, “Do you really think so.”

I said, “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed

by now.”

When you are over seventy who gives a crap?

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This is another one from my dad…it’s really good.  Read first then watch

A short video of a Pakistani pile driving construction technique.

Notice that the pile driving only becomes effective when the extra man jumps on.    Very finely tuned!    The chant is also catchy!

If you want to analyze the engineering here:

6 men x 180 lbs = 1,080 lbs static force.    Jumping up and down will create a 3 times dynamic effect = 3,240 lbs/jump = 1.6 ton thumps. If the pile is tapered to 2 in x 2 in, cross section at the tip  = 4 square inches.

So, dynamic pressure/thump at pile tip = 3,240/4 = 800 psi.

“Add a man” feature will increase to 950 psi, so buy the option !

Increase the chant and dynamic force goes up to 5 times to bring max. pressure/thump to 1,600 psi for a 7 man team.  

Quite good and will penetrate hard clay and sandy soil but not hard rock. 

Pretty ingenious.  and very, very cost effective . . .

And, to think not a single one of these seven chaps attended Georgia Tech, MIT,  Cal Tech or even Virginia Polytechnic Institute . . . !

PS:    The foreman is the guy on the tambourine.

 

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As a special section for my Dad (Papa Dragon Most Senior) and all the others of you who participate in this despicable habit, I present to you….
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Tune in next time for more fun!  Fun and chasing a little white ball around a countryside…sounds kind of oxymoronic to me, but what do dragons know from golf?

 

I now quote the sexy fairy who gave me this article, “I couldn’t take enough drugs to believe this one.”
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When I was but a wee lad, I had a beautiful nurse maid who took care of me.  This is an artist’s rendition of that time, since there were no cameras back then.  (Yes, I am THAT old).  Honestly, this picture does not really do her justice, but you get the idea.

 

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Chitty, Chitty – Bang, Bang is in her garage and she is very confused over what Mr. Blue just implied.  He was ready to say something important when we got interrupted.

“But, we don’t have much time.  As soon as that light turns red, our conversation is over and if I have to explain why I gave away secrets to my partner to Mr. Green, then I will do that, but you’re right.  As my partner you deserve to know the truth.  And the truth is that no, I’m not that stupid.  But it is a VERY good front and façade for people to think that I am.  I’m actually….” 

And then that “IT” guy walked in and he didn’t finish his thought.  He played it right cool though.  Very cool.  Too cool for who he is.  Or maybe it’s who he pretends to be.

And then not a minute after Impish left, “Mr. IT” makes some half-hearted excuse, after looking around and not really DOING anything, and then HE leaves.  I can’t figure out what’s…

Suddenly the small people door, as CB2 tended to think of it, opens and Mr. Green himself walks in.  This ought to be interesting, she thinks.

“Hrumph!  Ahem… Good Afternoon, Miss Bang.  And how are you this fine day?” Lethal Leprechaun, a.k.a. Mr. Green, enters her living space and settles himself down on her couch, all the while looking around her room surreptitiously.  She decides to call him right out on it.

And a Good Afternoon to you too, Mr. Green.  Is this just a social call or is there something you need?  You seem to be looking about for something…”

Mr. Green seems to be a bit startled and taken aback as he answers, “No, no not at all.  Just a visit.  Checking up on the troops, as it were… so … well … how are you Miss Bang?”

“I’m quite well thank you. And yourself?”

Mr. Green stands up and begins moving around the room, picking up and examining some of the little knick-knacks that Chitty has picked up over the years, moving about the room in a distracted manner. “Well good.  Good.  Glad to hear it, I am.”

As Mr. Green’s wanderings become more focused, he seems to have completely tuned out CB2.  He picks up a little statue of the Eiffel Tower, turns it over and peers at the bottom and then shakes it while holding it close to his ear.

“Mr. Green?”

Startled, Mr. Green places the statue back in its place with a little thump, looking like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar.  He quickly moves back to the couch and sits down.

“Mr. Green, is there something wrong?  Is there something I can help you with?”

“Ahem.  Well, actually, there is something you can help me with, I think…”

After a long pause, that becomes almost uncomfortable in length, Chitty prods him, “And that is…?”

“Yes, quite.  I’m not sure exactly how to put this… did I just seem Mr. Blue leaving your home?”

“Well, I’m not sure how you could’ve seen him leaving since he left several minutes before you did, unless … Mr. Green, are you spying on me?!”

“No! Well…yes … in a manner of … what? No.  Not like what you’re implying…”

“Mr. Green, I can’t think of any other way you would have known he was here talking to me…”

“Miss Bang, you must understand that I have everyone’s security at risk here and it’s my responsibility-“

“To SPY ON US??!!”

“Chitty, it’s not like that at all.”

“Look me in the eye and tell me that my quarters, my PERSONAL quarters, aren’t bugged.”

With a dead stare, Lethal looks at Chitty, Chitty – Bang, Bang and answers, “No ma’am.  You’re personal quarters are not bugged.”

“I’m not sure I believe you.  I’m sure you’ve had to learn to lie convincingly with your numerous professional dealings. But, I’ll not pursue it.  I do want you to be absolutely clear on this, that if I ever do find out you’ve lied to me about this or any other matter, it will be the end of our personal AND professional dealings.  And I like you, Lethal.  I really do.”  CB2 pauses and settles herself, the movements of the car coming across as quite human.  “Now, forgoing the matter of HOW you knew, my partner, Mr. Blue was lately present, what’s the problem?”

Mr. Blue pauses, then begins speaking, “To put it not too bluntly, I think there is something wrong with our dragon.”

 

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Oh yes, the obligatory democrat bashing.  So sorry, I just can’t seem to help myself.

 

You know, it annoys the crap out of me when someone parks in a handicap parking spot that doesn’t deserve it.  Well, I guess if you do that in Brazil, things can happen.  Karma?  You tell me.

 

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As a public service, I’ve added this posting.  Most of the people I eat seem to enjoy it though.

 

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In the distant past, some of my relatives got regulated to not so impressive positions in the government and military fields.

 

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. ‘Fred,’ he replies.
‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.
‘Just Fred,’ the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’
The biker replies, ‘It’s a long story, so stay with me.’ I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.’
The officer walked away in tears, laughing

 

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I sat with my infant son in front of the TV, hostage to my husband’s channel surfing. He eventually settled on an R-rated movie in which the actress was soon topless. ‘Honey, change the channel,’ I said, shielding my son’s eyes. ‘He shouldn’t see this.’ ‘It’s okay.’ my husband replied. ‘He probably thinks it’s the Food Network.’

 

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My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect. My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s voice say, “We have a Marcia on the line. Will you accept the charges?” Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, “Dad! They’ve got Mom! And they want money!”

 

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A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
 
One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter’s wife awakened to find her mother gone.
 
She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman.
 
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was standing face-to-face with a lion
 
“What are we going to do?” his horrified wife asked.
 
“Nothing,” her husband replied, “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”

 

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Humor

Hungry Hippos

hydration

 

Hygeine

 

 

Budweiser has the greatest commercials.  From the Clydesdales to this gem…

 

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A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Qantas from Sydney to Auckland.
 
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
 
The mother, who couldn’t think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
 
So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
 
The flight attendant responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me that?”
 
The boy said, “Yes, she did.”
 
“Well then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Qantas always pulls out on time, and ask her to explain that to you.”

 

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During a recent survey, women were asked… “What would you do if you woke up and had a penis?” Here are their actual responses…
“I would walk around and prod my husband all night long with it, whatever he is doing I’ll be there prodding him with it.”
“I would write my name in the snow.”
“I would go into my boss’ office and lay it on his desk and say: ‘Where is my raise?'”
“I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him and tell him to roll over and try something new.”
“I would want a big one and show it off to everyone.”
“I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed.”
“I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing.”
“I would measure it both ways.”
“Pee off of a tall building.”
“I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed.”
“I would treat women better with it.”
“I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with it all day.”
“Demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit the water and not pee all over everything.”
“Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it.”
“I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot.”
“Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what was the best.”
“Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around.”
“See how many donuts I could carry with it.”
“Check out my boyfriends gag reflexes!”

 

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I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn’t matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner, and  I always end up in bed with them. Here’s how it goes, ‘Excuse me, love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?’
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Now, a few short words to think about:
A 3% tax on tea eventually led to the American Revolution.
Now, you pay up to 70% of your earnings to a De Facto corporate government.  You are grouped a the airport, surveilled on the street, spied upon in your own home, fed propaganda by the media, lied to by your representatives, have your rights eroded, your currency devalued and are on the verge of an overt police state.  What the hell happened to the land of the free and the home of the brave?
Election time is coming sooner than you think.  Make yours count.

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Now this is technology at work for the good of us all.

Samsung attaches screen to semi-truck to show the road ahead
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Getting stuck behind a slow, smelly semi-truck is no fun, but big vehicles are often too hard to pass on a narrow two-lane road. But Samsung just came up with a very clever solution to this problem.

The Argentinian arm of the South Korean tech giant is showing off what it calls a Safety Truck, a semi truck with a wireless camera mounted on the front, displaying the road ahead on a screen tacked on to the back of the truck. The move is a part of an effort to reduce head-on collisions from passing.

The front-mounted camera broadcasts its signal to four monitors on the back of the truck to give drivers behind the truck a good view ahead. In addition to making passing safer, Samsung says that this would let drivers see any obstacles in the road ahead, preventing the need for sudden emergency braking.

Samsung said the truck used for testing isn’t currently operational anymore, but it is working with government and non-government safety agencies to develop the tech further.

It seems like it would work well on two-lane roads, but it wouldn’t really have much use on multi-lane highways. The screen could also prove to be a distraction, and image quality issues could be a concern as well.

It’s an innovative approach to road safety, but Samsung hasn’t provided much of a timeline for its development, so who knows when, or even if it will be adopted.

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Leprechaun Laughs #305 for June 24th 2015

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Sorry For The Delay Folks- apparent technical difficulties on my end. The interface between chair and keyboard evidentially went FUBAR yesterday after some unplanned schedule changes here Monday & Tuesday resulted in a failure on my part to upload the issue for autoposting.

Thanks to Impish for pointing this out to me.

Well we finally got ride of Tropical Strom/Depression Bill and all his associated baggage late Friday. To be clear, according to the weather guessers he finally left us officially alone sometime Late Thursday night after gifting us about 4.5″ of rain in roughly 36 hours. Then his entourage kept coming thru and dumping on us while looking for Bill and left us with roughly an additional 3″. Even as later as Saturday afternoon we had Thunder storms and showers.

Fortunately we managed not to flood as we have in the past by some miracle though at one point the standing water on the patio was within a 1/4″ of starting to enter the track to the sliding door and about 3/8″ of an inch from entering our storage area.

House keeping note: Impish will be doing Saturday’s issue as well as next Wednesday’s issue  (if he knows what’s good for him!) since I’ll be doing the Independence Day Holiday issue a week from Saturday.

Look for a special announcement about the party form him next Wednesday.

That’s all I got for now. I need to get back to work on the Independence Day issue, the preparations for the party plus make sure a bunch of new features over there at DL/LL Party Pavilion get finished in time.

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You Know You’re Drinking Too Much Coffee When:

*Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
*You ski uphill.
*You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.
*You answer the door before people knock.
*You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit.
*You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
*You sleep with your eyes open.
*You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
*You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
*You lick your coffeepot clean.
*You’re the employee of the month at the local coffee house and you don’t even work there.
*You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
*You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
*You can jump-start your car without cables.
*All your kids are named “Joe”.
*You don’t need a hammer to pound in nails.
*Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low”.
*You don’t sweat, you percolate.
*You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
*Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
*People get dizzy just watching you.
*When you find a penny, you say, “Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I’ll have a cup”.
*The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
*Starbucks own the mortgage on your house.
*You’re so wired, you pick up AM radio.
*People can test their batteries in your ears.
*Instant coffee takes too long.
*You channel surf faster without a remote.
*You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
*You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
*Your Thermos is on wheels.
*Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
*You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
*You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
*You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
*Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter Scale.
*You can’t even remember your second cup.
*You help your dog chase its tail.
*You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
*Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
*You speed walk in your sleep.
*You have a bumper sticker that says: “Coffee drinkers are good in the sack.”
*You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
*The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.
*You spend every vacation visiting “Maxwell House.”
*You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
*Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
*You chew on other people’s fingernails.
*The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
*Your T-shirt says,   “Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s coffee.”
*Cocaine is a downer.
*You buy milk by the barrel.
*You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
*You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
*You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
*You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
*People get dizzy just watching you.

With regards to the underscored line above: I’ve never worn a handle off but I have worn the glazing around the lip of a mug totally way.

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That’s Wednesday our Receptionist giving us a little reminder and lift in our day.

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Discussion last Friday between Impish and myself.

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Advanced Training Required:

A child found a gun in the House … or maybe it was on the Senate side. It was somewhere in the U.S. Capitol, however, and that was just one of three times so far this year that a member of the U.S. Capitol Police has forgotten their gun in the restroom. Legislators learned of the issue from the media, and questioned the Capitol Police chief about it. Chief Kim C. Dine said more lock boxes for officers’ guns were being set up on the Hill, and the penalty for abandoning a gun might be raised from five to 30 days’ suspension for a first offense. Also, “we are now providing additional training on what to do when you have to go to the bathroom.” (AC/WNEW Washington) The U.S. Capitol: where people who need advanced training on how to use the bathroom are issued guns.

Man claims he danced on patrol vehicle to save children from vampires

LEE COUNTY, Fla. – Disco fever or dancing with the devil?  Either way you look at it, this man’s moves have landed him in some hot water.

44-year-old Christian Radecki of Cape Coral was arrested April 7th after he was caught on surveillance video bumping his car into the back of a Lee County Sheriff’s Office marked patrol vehicle.  He then began dancing on the patrol vehicle’s roof while music blared from his car, and then broke the windshield wipers and took an American Flag from the neighbor’s yard.

Redecki, a convicted sexual offender, was arrested for Disturbing the Peace and Criminal Mischief after the neighbors called the police.

According to a Cape Coral Police report, Radecki said it all began when a “woman with fangs” came to his door, threatening that a human sacrifice was about to occur involving vampires.  “Therefore, Radecki made the conscious decision to get the Sheriff of Nottingham to help him stop the slaughter of small children,” the report states.

Radecki told officers that he had not taken any recreational drugs or alcohol, has not been diagnosed with and mental health conditions, nor did he take any prescribed medication.

Radecki was taken to Cape Coral Hospital for medical clearance, then transferred to the Lee County Justice Center in apparent good health.

For the record, his dance playlist started with Hall & Oates’ “Rich Girl”, and ended after Supertramp’s “Goodbye Stranger.” – Katrina & The Waves – Walking On Sunshine might have been a better choice for dealing with Vampires.

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Limerick 2

A bather whose clothing was strewed,
By winds that left her quite nude,
Saw a man come along,
And unless we are wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.

There was a young lass from Australia
Who painted her ass like a Dahlia
The shape it was fine
And the color divine
But the aroma–well, that was a faihlia

There was a young lady named Kite
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She left home one day
In a relative way
And returned on the previous night.

I once took our vicar to tea;
It was just as I thought it would be:
His rumblings abdominal
Were simply phenomenal,
And everyone thought it was me.

Audi Autonomous Office Chair

 

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With summer time in full swing I thought a few easy picnic food recipes might be in order.

Tomato, Onion and Cucumber Salad

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Total Time: 5 min
Prep: 5 min
Yield: 4 servings
Level: Easy

 

 

 

Ingredients

5 medium plum tomatoes, halved lengthwise, seeded, and thinly sliced
1/4 red onion, peeled, halved lengthwise, and thinly sliced
1 Kirby cucumber, halved lengthwise and thinly sliced
A generous drizzle of extra-virgin olive oil, about 2 tablespoons
2 splashes red wine vinegar
Coarse salt and black pepper

Directions

Dress the tomatoes, onions, and cucumber with olive oil, red wine vinegar, salt, and pepper.
Let stand while you prepare dinner, about 20 minutes. Re-toss and serve salad with crusty bread for mopping up juices and oil.

I like to add a little dill and garlic powder to mine. Some how the dill reminds me of Summer. Kirby cucumbers are the same thing as ‘English’ or ‘Burpless’. If you don’t have them or can’t get them look for smaller young cucumbers with the lighter skins or use pickling cucumbers

Mixed Berry Slab Pie with Chocolate

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Yield: Makes One 13″x18″ Pie

Total Time: 1 hour

This makes a massive slab pie, easily serving a small army or a few teenagers. At first it may seem intimidating to roll the dough so large then transfer it to the 1/2 sheet pans, but this dough handles quite easily and if you happen to break it, you can always patch with dough scraps. If you have less to feed, then you can always divide the recipe in half and use a 1/4 sheet pan, but there are always neighbors who will take the leftovers so we encourage you to give the full recipe a shot!

Ingredients:

Dough Ingredients

  • 8 c (1000g) Flour
  • 1 c (200g) Sugar
  • 2 t (10g) Sea Salt or Kosher Salt
  • 1 lb. (455g) unsalted cold Butter, cut into 1/2″ pieces
  • 3 lrg. Eggs
  • 1/2 c (120ml) cold Water

Slab Pie Filling Ingredients

  • 1 Pint (12 oz. or 340g) Blueberries
  • 1 Pint (12 oz. or 340g) Raspberries
  • 1 Pint (12 oz. or 340g) Blackberries
  • 1 c (200g) Sugar
  • 3 T (24g) Cornstarch
  • 1 1/2 c (270g) Chocolate Chips
  • Cream for brushing top of slab pie
  • Powdered Sugar to dust slab pie

Directions:

Preheat oven to 400° F. Set aside two 1/2 sheet pans (18″x13″) You’ll use one for the slab pie, the other as a template.

  1. Combine berries in a large bowl. In a medium bowl whisk together pie filling sugar (1 c) and cornstarch until well combined. Add sugar mix to berries and gently toss to coat berries. Set aside.
  2. Make Dough. In a large bowl, whisk together dough flour, sugar, and salt. Pinching with your fingers or using a pastry blender, incorporated butter into mixture until no large pieces of butter remain and mixture has a crumbly texture.
  3. Whisk eggs and cold water together. Make a well in the middle of the flour mixture, then pour egg mix into well. Working from the center out, combine egg and flour mixes together until the dough holds together. If necessary adjust with a little additional flour or cold water if dough is sticky or if not holding together.
  4. Divide dough into a 2/3 and 1/3 portion.
  5. On a large floured surface, roll out larger portion of dough to a 24″x19″ rectangle (I’ll roll out slightly larger then trim edges straight to the dimensions), dusting the underside and top of dough with flour a few times while rolling out to keep dough from sticking.
  6. Gently roll the dough around the rolling pin, then unroll it over the first sheet pan. Adjust dough so it sits evenly into sheet pan then dock the pastry by pressing in with your fingertips several times making indentions across the bottom of the pastry.
  7. Layer in chocolate chips. Layer in berry mix. Set aside.
  8. Roll out remain 1/3 dough portion to just larger than 18″x13″. Flip your second sheet pan upside down and gently press into dough. Use impression to cut dough to size, gently roll it around rolling pin, then unroll it over the slab pie to form top crust.
  9. Fold excess dough bottom, up and around to meet pie top and gently pinch to form top edge. Brush top and edges with cream. Using kitchen scissors or a knife cut slits into top of slab pie.
  10. Place in oven and bake 30-40 minutes or until top is golden. Remove from oven and allow to cool. Dust with powdered sugar, slice and serve.

Don’t forget the Dream Whip!

Don’t Sweat It

No-bake pretzel bars for hot summer days

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Makes: 12 to 16 bars | Start to Finish: 1 hour 30 minutes (includes chilling time)

Ingredients

1 cup packed dark-brown sugar
1 cup light corn syrup
2 cups mini marshmallows
¾ cup creamy natural unsweetened peanut butter, well stirred
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
½ teaspoon kosher salt
4 cups thin pretzel sticks, roughly chopped
4 cups unsweetened puffed-wheat cereal
2 ounces bittersweet chocolate, melted
½ teaspoon smoked salt (or additional kosher salt)

Directions

1. Lightly grease a 9-inch-by-13-inch baking dish and set aside.

2. In a large saucepan set over medium-high heat, combine the sugar with the corn syrup, then bring the mixture to a boil. Turn off the heat, stir in the marshmallows until about half of them are melted, then stir in the peanut butter until well combined. Add the vanilla and salt. Mix in the pretzels and puffed wheat until well combined.

3. Transfer the mixture to the prepared baking dish and, using lightly greased hands, pat it firmly into the dish. Drizzle with melted chocolate and sprinkle with smoked salt. Refrigerate for 1 hour or until firm. Once firm, slice into small bars with a hot, wet knife, then serve.

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Can police search your gadget without your permission?

As you know technology is something that evolves daily. And many of the government’s privacy laws have been slow to catch up. California is now another state that requires police officers obtain a search warrant before snooping through your cellphones, tablets and computers. Warrant laws about these electronic gadgets are pretty varied depending on the state you live in, and it can be difficult to determine what’s what with the ambiguous verbiage and lengthy provisions.

The cloud of confusion surrounding the issue in California finally lifted on Wednesday. State senators unanimously approved State Bill 178, which requires law enforcement to obtain a search warrant from a judge before poring through the content on the phone and location data stored within it. For many of us, our personal electronics are private. Messages, pictures and emails stored away on them are just meant for our eyes.

There are now six states that require a warrant for police searching personal electronics. It’s not good news for everyone though! Law enforcement collectives like the California District Attorneys Association and the California Police Chiefs Association have said publicly they don’t like the new law. The California State Sheriffs Association sent San Francisco senator Mark Leno a letter explaining why they don’t approve.

In the letter, the group says the new bill, “… conflates existing procedures for obtaining certain electronic information under state and federal law, contains burdensome and unnecessary reporting requirements, and will undermine investigations that are fully compliant with the 4th Amendment.”

Unlike many other technology privacy laws, SB 178 is crystal clear. It says a warrant may only be issued to search your gear if there is “… evidence that tends to show a felony has been committed, or tends to show that a particular person has committed a felony, or when there is a warrant to arrest a person.” That means unless you’re doing something bad the police already know about, you are safe from police snooping through your electronic gear.

Federal law has gone back and forth with its stance on search warrants for personal electronic devices. In a decision last month, the Federal Court of Appeals went against its own decision that said investigators need a warrant to extract cellphone information from wireless providers. Federal law enforcement no longer needs a warrant to search any of your electronics; they can search through your stuff whenever they see fit.

However you can still protect yourself against this because as with just about everything else there is a loophole. Under any circumstance, even with a warrant the police cannot force you to give them the passcode or encryption keys to any of your electronic devices.

The Fifth Amendment protects you from being forced to give the government self-incriminating testimony. Courts have generally accepted that telling the government a password or encryption key is “testimony.” A police officer cannot force or threaten you into giving up your password or unlocking your electronic devices. However, a judge or a grand jury may be able to force you to decrypt your devices in some circumstances. Because this is a legally complicated issue, if you find yourself in a situation where the police, a judge or grand jury are demanding you turn over encryption keys or passwords, you should seek immediate legal help.

My new phone uses and optical thumb print reader, some use facial recognition some tablets I’ve hears use other forms of biometrics. These the police can obtain from you without your consent (think fingerprints). While these things make accessing your phone secure easy and convent it also leave you open to searches. That’s why as a back up to this I use an app which I mentioned last week called CM Security to passcode protect all critical function and personal data. Once the print reader unlocks the phone there are a limited number of things that can be accessed without a passcode. I use a 6 digit passcode. This means that any law enforcement representative attempting the brute force access method,  even using the new robot that does the 4 digit PIN codes are a rate of one every second will take roughly 20 hours to access your phone if you used a truly random code. BY adding those extra 2 digits I turn the 10,000 possible combinations to explore into 1 Million and I’ve turned that time frame into 80 days. Plenty of time for me to get legal help and a court order to prevent them from searching my phone.

I also strongly suggest that you contact the Electronic Frontier Foundation as well and they have lawyers who are extremely well verses in such things who can and will assist your attorney in representing you for the purposes of the searching of your electronic devices.

Lastly know that all of this doesn’t mean a hill of beans at the border.

The border search exception is a doctrine of United States criminal law that allows searches and seizures at international borders and their functional equivalent without a warrant or probable cause. This doctrine is not actually an exception to the Fourth Amendment, but rather to the Amendment’s requirement for a warrant or probable cause.

The courts are all over the place on how this applies to electronic devices and what is on them.

Currently, the main area of contention concerning the border search exception is its application to the search of the electronic files and information contained in travelers’ laptops and other electronic storage devices for illegal materials including child pornography. Two notable decisions have been rendered with the respective intermediate appellate courts backing the United States Government’s position that the search of electronic devices falls under the category of property searches and that the devices are functionally and qualitatively equivalent to other closed containers. According to this position, the Government asserts that it may open, login, and search through all the electronic information stored on traveler’s electronic devices.

The only federal appeals court to address this issue directly, the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals, has disagreed with the government’s position. The en banc Court held that property, such as a laptop and other electronic storage devices, presented for inspection when entering the United States at the border may not be subject to forensic examination without a reason for suspicion. United States v. Cotterman, 709 F.3d 952, 956–57 (9th Cir. 2013) (en banc).

The Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals, addressing a challenge to Customs’ authority to search electronic files in United States v. Ickes, held that there is no First Amendment exception to the border search doctrine for expressive materials .[11] The Court based its finding in part on the demands of protecting the nation from terrorist threats that may cross the American border in expressive materials.[12] in its analysis, the Court stated:

The border search doctrine is justified by the longstanding right of the sovereign to protect itself. Particularly in today’s world, national security interests may require uncovering terrorist communications, which are inherently “expressive.” Following Ickes’s logic would create a sanctuary at the border for all expressive material-even for terrorist plans. This would undermine the compelling reasons that lie at the very heart of the border search doctrine.”

Ickes did not directly address the required level of suspicion for laptop searches because customs officers in this case met the reasonable suspicion standard. However, the only court to address the Fourth Amendment protections of laptops at the national border held that customs may search any electronic device at the border without any level of suspicion. In United States v. Arnold, the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals rejected a defendant’s contention that search of travelers’ files on a laptop computer intrude upon a person’s dignity and privacy interests to the same degree as searches of a traveler’s body. Instead, the court ruled that searches of electronic materials are legally equivalent to searches of property. As such, Customs’ authority to search electronic materials at the border are limited in only two ways: (1) the search may not cause exceptional damage to the property; and (2) the search may not be conducted in “a particularly offensive manner.”] These restrictions are applicable to all border searches of property, at least under the jurisdiction of these courts.  According to Arnold, the characteristics that make electronic storage devices unique, including vast storage capacity and the ability to track its user’s habits, tastes, and preferences, are not legally significant. Additionally, the Ninth Circuit held that searching through personal electronic information in a laptop does not constitute an “offensive search.”

Although the Supreme Court has not addressed the standard of suspicion necessary for a warrantless border search of electronic materials, the only jurisprudence thus far, guided by Ickes and Arnold, suggests that customs officers may search any electronic materials (including laptops, CDs, MP3 players, cellular phones, and digital cameras) randomly, without any suspicion, and without any first amendment restrictions.

One major impact of these cases is that commerce may be exceptionally impacted. Sensitive business information, academic materials for conferences, and other types of valuable information may be delayed by these practices. Some devices may be held for years, effectively making this a deprivation of property under the Fifth Amendment. Sensitive information that is withheld that long could lose all value. Many devices depreciate in value over time due to introduction of new devices, and this depreciation of the physical device could also be considered a taking.

My best advice is:

1.) Be sure ALL electronic devices are at least charged enough to power up for 5 or 10 minutes. Dead electronic devices are automatically suspicious and will result in further possibly lengthy examination[s]

1.) Keep nothing on your phone if traveling and crossing the US border but everything on the cloud and do not let any device remember the Cloud access Password.

2.) Use a prepaid phone when you travel and only load the phones numbers and information you need for your trip. If the phone gets stolen of confiscated you’re not out your $400 to $600 smart phone.

3.) Avoid traveling with a lap top unless absolutely necessary. Use a cheap tablet. Again password protect the tablet’s access and any sensitive information with a separate passcode. Access your email via a browser rather than an email app so nothing is downloaded to your tablet. Store everything in the could. once again better to lose a $250 cheap tablet instead of an iPad.

4.) Be frank with the ICE agent if he asks why there is so little on the phone or tablet. Tell him while you accept that you are powerless to prevent this search of your personal electronic without due cause you took steps before you traveled  to limit any potential invasion of your privacy and/ or loss of personal data and devices.

5.) DO NOT give him any passwords under any circumstances. They are empowered to search what is physically in your possess and they can physically touch, not what is stored in the cloud. If you fail to head my warning to use and use any form or removable media (external drive, flash drive or memory card) and it is in your possession they can hook it up and examine its contents because it is physically in your possession.

6.) CAREFULLY READ AND BOOKMARK FOR FUTURE REFERENCE THIS ‘KNOW YOUR ELECTRONIC RIGHTS’ GUIDE by the EFF. IT covers both aspect we’ve briefly discussed above in greater depth and detail. https://www.eff.org/issues/know-your-rights#17

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For those of you who lead quiet social trending deprived lives of blissful ignorance and do not understand this reference allow me to enlighten you as to what happens when Coke and Mentos combine:

 

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Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1440

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Good Morning Campers,
Well, we have a couple of really important things to talk about today.  First of all, I want to thank Lethal for the wonderful write-up he had for me last Wednesday.  It truly brought a tear to my blue dragon eye.  Thank you my friend.  It was very, very nice.

Secondly, tomorrow’s Father’s Day.  Take a moment to call your dad and tell him you love him.  On a personal note: Dad, I’ll call you this weekend and whelpling, I’ll see you later today.  To all you fathers out there….I hope it’s a wonderfully happy day.

And Last, but certainly not least, tomorrow is our dear Molly’s Birthday.  For those of you who don’t know, Molly is my buddy Lethal’s better half.  Everybody who knows or have even heard of her knows she must be an angel, a saint and a psychologist all rolled up into one to put up with our dear Lethal.  I understand that the Vatican is asking for her for some sort of consulting job.

Happy Birthday dear Molly.  And when you get mad at me about this, just remember it was your dear Lethal who tipped me off it was your birthday.

Now…

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A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex:
Husband: “Sukitaki. Mojitaka!”
Wife replies: “Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!”
Husband says angrily: “Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!”
Wife on her knees literally begging: “Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!”
Husband shouts angrily: “Na miaou kina Tim kouji!”
I can’t believe you just sat there trying to read this – you don’t
know Japanese.
You’ll read anything as long as it’s about sex … You need serious help!
Sometimes I worry about you.

 

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As I notice other people AGE, I REALIZE THAT: 

 
~I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.
~Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.
~I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
~My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
~The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
~When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it’s like a mini vacation.
~The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.
~Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
~If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.
~When the kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes”.
~At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for. 

 

1442

 

 

Two young businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store’s merchandise wasn’t in….only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, “I’ll bet that any minute now some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, “What are you selling here?”

One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling ass-holes.”

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, “You must be doing well as you only have two left.”

Seniors….don’t mess with them. They didn’t get old by being stupid!

 

1443

 

 

Thanks to Jean for this look at the future of 911 calls:

 

 

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No more need said…except that they got a really “cute and nice” likeness of me.  I think it gives the wrong impression to how much of a mean S.O.B. I really am.

 

It doesn’t matter what party you belong to – this is good natured
political humor from a show on Canadian TV, where a black comedian

said he misses Bill Clinton.
Yep, that‘s right – I miss Bill Clinton!”

He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.
He played the sax.

He smoked weed.

He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him … his wife works, and he doesn’t!   And, he
gets a check from the government every month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America ‘s
shelves this week with ” Clinton Soup,” in honor of one of the
nations’ distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot
water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill
Clinton. The DodgeDrafter will be built in Canada.When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied,
“I don’t know, I never had one.”

The Clinton revised judicial oath: “I solemnly swear to tell the
truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and
nothing but what I think you need to know.”

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do
Hanky Panky between the Bushes.

 

7a

 

There was an adult bookstore that opened right next door to a church.
 
The church members were unhappy about that, so they prayed that the store would go away.
 
Sure enough the store burned to the ground.
 
The bookstore owner took the church to court.
 
The judge after hearing the complaint said that she couldn’t comment on how the case would be settled but she thought it amazing the 525 church members didn’t believe in the power of prayer and one adult bookstore owner who did.
7b

and as funny as that is….it’s also so true.

 

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Consider yourself warned!!

A mother complained to her doctor about her daughter’s strange eating habits. “All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her, doctor?” the mother inquired. “Eventually,” said the doctor, “she will rise and shine!”

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My son, Ken, was married yesterday. I heard him tell his bride, Caryn, that his ring was so tight it was cutting off his circulation. She replied, “That’s what it is supposed to do.”
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Two atoms are walking along. One of them says: “Oh, no, I think I lost an electron.” “Are you sure?” “Yes, I’m positive.”
boomerang-bomb
Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to license it. Seems it was habit forming.
Frying Pan

1444

 

We were driving in my friend Larry’s new car. I asked him about its features. He listed the usual, then added, “It tells me to slow down as I approach the speed limit. It warns me when I have to stop. It points out solid no-passing lines.” I expressed my amazement. “But,” he explained, “these features work only when my wife is in the car.”
 
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Our version of pin-the-tail-on-the-dragon

 

 

When you vote for an incumbent you are perpetuating our government as it is now.  Nothing will change.

These three, short sentences tell you a lot about the direction of our current government and cultural environment:

   1.)   We are advised NOT to judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics, but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics. 

   2.)   Seems we constantly hear about how Social Security is going to run out of money.

   How come we never hear about welfare or food stamps running out of money?  What’s interesting is the first group “worked for” their money, but the second didn’t. 

   3.)   Why are we cutting benefits for our veterans, no pay raises for our military and cutting our army to a level lower than before WWII, but we are not stopping payments to illegal aliens such as monthly payments for each child, money for housing, food stamps, free education including college and also the right to vote?

 

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A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down.
 
After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.
 
He replied, “No thanks. I don’t drink. I tried it once, but I didn’t like it.”

So the bartender said, “Well, would you like a cigarette?”

But the man said, “No thanks. I don’t smoke. I tried it once, but I didn’t like it.”

The bartender asked him if he’d like to play a game of pool, and again the man said,
“No thanks. I don’t like pool. I tried it once, but I didn’t like it.
 
As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t be here at all, but I’m waiting for my son.”

The bartender said, “Your only son, I’m guessing.”

 

 

Lethal Leprechaun, the king of identifying scams and keeping us safe on line, dropped me a special line the other day about this.  We discussed it quickly and both of us agreed it couldn’t really wait until his next issue, so he put this together for special delivery for this issue.

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Facebook scam promises free groceries
6a

Facebook has more than 1.44 billion users, which makes it a hacker’s paradise for posting scams. Even if only 1% of users fall for the scam at first, that’s still tens of millions of potential victims. And once they get hooked by the scam, it’s more likely some of their friends will as well, followed by those friends’ friends and so on.
 
Tell me if this sounds like a good deal to you: Spend $110 at Kroger, one of the nation’s largest grocery chains, and get $100 in free groceries. All you have to do is share that same coupon on your Facebook page. Here’s a photo of the coupon. Do you notice anything wrong with it?
6b

Sure, this looks like a real Kroger Coupon. It displays the company logo, there aren’t many obvious typos (but there are a few) or other telltale signs of a scam.

However, I noticed right away the absence of a barcode. These days every coupon features a barcode to be scanned at checkout that automatically credits the coupon’s value to your total.

If you were to click on this offer (which I highly discourage you from doing), you would be directed to this screen, asking you to share the coupon with your Facebook friends.

Simply put, DON’T DO IT! They say the best things in life are free, but all this is, is a free scam.

Here’s the official post from Kroger’s Facebook page, denouncing the fake coupon and scam:
6c

It reads:

Attention Kroger Customers: There is currently an unauthorized “Get $100 in Free Groceries when you spend $110 or more in one transaction” offer circulating on Facebook.

This giveaway is not affiliated with or supported by the Kroger Co. We recommend not engaging with the site that the offer links to, or providing any personal information.

Our team is actively working with Facebook as well as the domain service provider to address the concern.

Needless to say, this scam has already tricked a few thousand people. Please share this with any Kroger customer you might know so they don’t fall victim.

 

 

101

 

Eddie came to work Monday and his co-workers asked him how his weekend was. He said he played a little golf.

So, one of his co-workers asked him how well he did.

“I hit two of my best balls,” he said.

“Tell me about it,” said his co-worker.

“I stepped on a rake.”

 

1445

 

 

The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex.

The personnel office sent this reply… “Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex.

However, we have a few alcoholics.”

 

 

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I don’t have proof, of course, but I suspect this is one of Lethal’s Kitties keeping his priorities in order.

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Again, I’m can’t be 100% sure, but I’d think that this might have been photographed at Lethal’s house and just happened to end up as a public service announcement.

 

a72

 

I overheard my father telling a family friend about my newly assigned mission in the U.S. Coast Guard.

I work on a cutter that escorts all cruise ships and international vessels under the bridges in California’s Bay Area.

But what my father told his friend was, ‘She’s involved in some sort of escort service.’

 

1446

 

A woman said to her friend, “I don’t know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can’t imagine. He doesn’t put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things.”

The friend says, “Take a tip from me.  The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, ‘Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'”

The first woman asked, “Did it help?”

Her friend said, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since.”

 

1447

 

 

‘Nice threads, man,’ commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit.

‘Where’d you pick ’em up?’ Richard beamed.

‘My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?’ ‘I’ll say. What was the occasion?’ ‘Got me,’ admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug.

‘I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom.’

 

1448

That is no surprise to me at all!!!

 

For a while my husband and I had opposite schedules. He worked during the day, and I worked at night.

One morning I noticed he had left a not to himself on the kitchen counter that read, “STAMPS!”

As a helpful surprise, I bought him some at the post office and put them on the counter before going to work.

The next morning I found the same note. “STAMPS!” was crossed out.

Underneath it he had written, “ONE MILLION DOLLARS!”

 

 

1449

 

 

A small town Doctor was famous in the area for always catching really large fish.

One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth.

He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy. The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor used his fishing scales.

The baby weighed in at 22 lbs 10 oz.

 

1450

I can’t believe it!  He just gave the exact same briefing that I did yesterday at the staff meeting!

 

I went out to this restaurant not long ago and met the waitress of my dreams.

About halfway through dinner I called the waitress over and said, ‘Ma’am, this potato is bad.’

She nodded, picked up the potato, and smacked it.

Then she put it back on my plate and said, ‘Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know.’

I agree 100%.  I would LOVE to have had this waitress in any of my restaurants that I’ve run.  She sounds like a real peach!

 

1451

 

A Welshman, an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun.

After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.

Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went.

He was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun.

The Englishman inside said… ”Meow’.’ “Just cats,” he thought. He then prodded the second sack.

The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said… ”Woof’.’

“Just dogs,” he thought. As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say.

As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said… ”Potatoes!”

 

1452

 

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Humiliation

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Hummer H2

 

 

Turbo Encabulator

 

A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle.
 
At the end of the tour, the guide asks her how she enjoyed it.
 
She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.
 
“Don’t worry,” says the guide. “I’ve never seen a ghost all the time I’ve been here.”
 
“How long is that?” asks the girl.
 
“About three hundred years.”

1448

 

 

!cid_9C9A0F3A696D49389189668ADE667166@LaptopJeff

Posted in Uncategorized | 7 Comments

Leprechaun Laughs # 304 for June 17th 2015

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imageStep right on in folks its smaller on the outside, plenty of room for all inside. Please move to the back of the TARDIS and for the love of the universe keep your hands in your pockets please! I want you all there to witness what’s about to happen.

We’re taking a quick trip back in time to yesterday and then we’ll be right back to the current now. See this is all necessary because Impish unselfishly each year makes my Anniversary announcement only about me when his is just 2 days after mine. It really would be easier if he just announced both but I’m not going to complain when I have friends with toys like this to uh…borrow. OK! Ready? We’re off! <10 seconds of strange noises and blinking lights ensue>

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And we’re here! Welcome to Tuesday June 16th again. 

<Lethal hefts a large shoulder mounted tubular device which bears a certain resemblance to a shoulder fired missile launcher but is some how different..less well..deadly looking. You seriously wonder how deadly weapon painted in Orange and Green Camo can be, particularly one with a dragon in a clown suit painted on the blast shield depicted belching with the launch tube for a mouth.>

Come people, let’s now keep the man of the (reclaimed) hour waiting. Now when the door opens I want 1/2 of you lead by Ginny to rush out and surround Impish, he thinks he’s alone and nobody knows he’s in the conference room. He’s going to be very startled, especially when he sees me so his first reaction will be to flee for the door. That where those of you led by Diaman come him you guy rush to congregate in front of the doors blocking his exit until we can get him to take a breath and relax.

What? NO WAY! We come to praise Impish not kill him to paraphrase the Bard. IT’s just every time Impish sees me with something with a big bore  he goes..well frankly I have to call it all squirrelly. Now I’ll grant you a great deal of the time he has ample reason to do so because he’s generally provoked and annoyed me to the point I am shooting at him to get my point across, but that not the case today I promise. What is this? Well if I told you it would spoil the surprise now wouldn’t it? Still not convinced? OK look if Impish get seriously injured by it I’ll let you all draw straws to see who uses it on me fair enough? ok? Good. then Let’s Roll, them leaders take your places, everyone remember their team and assignment now, LET’S ROLL!

As you race out the door of the TARDIS and into the Conference Room intent on reaching your assigned position you all find a very surprised Impish Dragon plopped in the middle of the cheap seats having what appears to be a private moment with an impossible large Pastrami Sandwich and giant pickle.

“What ? How? Where? What are you guys doing here? OH NO!”

After shrieking like a 6 year old girl the first thing he does is attempt to snatch up the sandwich and flee crying out

NO! It’s MINE! ALL MINE! I found it unattended after someone slipped a note under my door and it’s MINE now I don’t care if Lethal lost it! Back off and nobody has to become a walking Pork Cracklin’ you hear?”

Almost immediately he realizes he’s trapped while simultaneously spotting Lethal and his…”device” while searching for a way out.

“Look Lethal pal finders keepers right? I mean it was abandoned and I got this note slid under my door and everything. How could I resist as Pastrami sandwich with your pastrami this size? I never get this much of your pastrami at one time. Even when I whine! Seriously Dude I swear the note is in my office! Ask Terrance! TERRANCE! I’ll bet he set me up that treacherous traitorous Troll! Don’t shoot me! Shoot Terrance! Beside if you shoot me you’ll mess up the sandwich right?”

“Relax Impish I purposely placed the sandwich here for you myself. I wrote the note and gave it to Terrance with instructions precisely when to slide it under your door as well. IT’s for you you deserve it and so is this!”

Lethal suddenly swings the cannon onto his shoulder, squeezes the trigger and fires the weapon, even from your perspective, over well over Impish’s head. A large multi-colored orb lobs out of the device traveling to a point about 15 feet above Impish’s head where it explodes into confetti, sparkles and streamers. You notice at the same time all the displays in the room sudden light up and the sound system erupts into music and party horns. On the display you see the message:

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Nine years ago on this day, Impish who was delusional and thought he was some guy named Bob, decided there was too much BS in the World and he had to draw a line in the sand. He felt compelled to do something to combat it and to bring some mirth and cheer into the lives of friends, family and those who served. On that day DragonLaffs started out as a group email. Soon it was too much to be done just from an email program and so DragonLaffs graduated to a Yahoo group. Five years ago he met a funny little green guy quick of wit, wise of council and word, companionable in point of view. Most importantly this little green guy had an urge to help him when he was struggling to met the demands of this fantasy he stubbornly clings to that he’s some guy named Bob with a wife & kid and devote enough time to make DragonLaffs happen.

What I like to think as the second great era of DragonLaffs began with that collaboration and lasted a little over two years. Once again, we were confronted with growing pains. At that time we had over 800 members in the Yahoo group but we were looking to make thing better to avail ourselves of thing Yahoo would not allow us to do and to reduce the amount of time it took to create an issue as well as be able to see what it would look like before it posted. The little green dude counseled Impish,

“You should consider converting to a blog format. Everyone else is and it really seems to be the wave of the future.”

Impish harrumphed and pondered this, but didn’t do or say much. The LGD persisted,

“With a freeware WYSIWYG editor you can create an issue in 1/2 the time and preview it before it posts to the blog! Heck you can ever schedule blogs posts to happen automatically if you manage to get them done ahead of time instead of rushing in the morning to get it out in between slurping enough coffee to appear moderately sentient and running off to your fantasy day life!”

Impish began wondering if the LGD didn’t have a serious point, after all he’d already talked Impish through several serious technical issues and shown him how to make what he thought were pretty good cyber security defenses ever better and used his knowledge to have a literally crazy person permanently banned from the Yahoo group after she kept rejoining under different names to harass the group. He decided he’d nose around a bit and see what was involved and how hard it really was.

Then one day Impish called excitedly to LGD,

“DUDE! See what I have! I now own the domain name ‘DragonLaffs.com’! “

LGD was guardedly optimistic that Impish might be starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. He ran to the end of the tunnel to rig a blower fan with several urns of brewing coffee behind it to help his friend Impish find the end of the tunnel faster.

A short while later, Impish again came the the LGD and said,

“Dude! Check it out! Click this link! Let me know what you think. I’m so excited!”

LGD did as he was bid and what he saw brought a tear to his eye and pride to his heart, Impish had trusted him enough to take a chance. He was looking at a still under construction but actual DragonLaffs Blog site! A very short time later came the great announcement at the yahoo group. Honestly this was met but the Luddites with a great uprising there was much crying wailing and gnashing of teeth over the change. Many didn’t care what it took to do things the old way or how hard it was on  us they demanded their ancient technology status quo.

Despite this we made the switch and tried to appease them by posting notices of each new issue on the old site until they became comfortable with the change. Alas the comfort never changes and the whining and cajoling continued. However for every whiner and cajoler there was someone approving mightily and enthusiastically of the change. Impish and LGD stayed their course slowing figuring out both the intricacies of the program they now used to create the issues as well as the controls for the web host’s page. We lost many readers in the switch and have never managed to return to the numbers we once had but in the process of the move we discovered something more precious our true friends.

So today on the occasion of Impish’s 9th Anniversary I ask you raise your coffee with me and toast Impish, his dedication, his vision and his friendship without which we’d all be the much poor for! 

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Now folks if you’d be so kind as to step back into the Tar…uh magic box we’ll get back to the issue! No, that ok Impish you finish what we interrupted and we’ll ah.. see you again in a moment I promise. Come on folks step it up tick tock literally and all that you all fit before you can do it again! A quick trip forward in time to the present and then we’ll be right back to the current now. OK! Ready? We’re off!

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<10 seconds of strange noises and blinking lights ensue> And we’re here! Welcome to Wednesday June 17th.  Now though we were about 10 minutes in the past from the prospective of those here we’ve been absent only about a minute. So I want you all to move quickly and silent out the door and to your seats. If we do it right nobody will be any the wiser, especially Impish, which could get really complicated and cause him serious problems ok? Do it for the Big Blue Guy!

As you all quickly exit the box and silently dash for your places you attempt to conceal your conspiratorial grins and smirks amid 10 seconds of strange noises and rotating beacon> as Impish can be heard  raising a commotion coming down the hall,

“I’m telling you Terrance there is nobody,just CyberLethals in the Conference…<he enters the room doors flying back as you all turn to look>..Room?”

Come on in Impish! Grab your seat please and put a jiggle in it as you’re late, I was just about to say the magic words:

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Spoken by the dragon who thinks the ‘Wide Load” sign attached to the back of his jeans is a brand label!

The Top 5 Quotes from Donald Trump’s Campaign Announcement Speech

Once again, Donald “Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow” Trump might announce that he’s going to run for President and he’s scheduled to make some kind of announcement on June 16th.

  1. “First thing, I’ll add 93 stories to the White House and rename it Trump House.”
  2. “Tippecanoe and toupee too!”
  3. “My first act as president will be to fire the 49.999% of Americans who voted against me.”
  4. “I promise I will also verify the death certificates of any deceased Presidents.”

And the Number One Quote from Donald Trump’s Campaign Announcement Speech…

  1. “I’ll agree to be your President if you all sign this pre-nup.”

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There is a great cautionary tale there…as well as a HELL of a story about how Impish’s ‘Lil Impish’ wound up permanently blue too!

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Actually having one there nearly every night at some point (though usually a mirror image of that one) is what keeps me from having emotional breakdowns..or becoming a serial killer!

Christopher Lee Dies at 93; Actor Breathed Life Into Nightmarish Villains

Christopher Lee, the physically towering British movie actor who lent his distinguished good looks, Shakespearean voice and aristocratic presence to a gallery of villains, from a seductive Count Dracula to a dreaded wizard in “The Lord of the Rings,” died on Sunday in London. He was 93.

Christopher Lee played villains masterfully, from the evil wizard Saruman in “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy to one of the scariest of villains, Dracula himself, in a series of British Hammer films. He was a James Bond baddie in “The Man With the Golden Gun” and a Dark Side convert in the “Star Wars” prequels. On the side, he was an operatic and heavy metal singer, releasing a number of albums including the award-winning “Charlemagne: By the Sword and the Cross.” Lee died June 7, 2015, and we’re looking back on a brilliant career.

He had a very famous group of relatives. He was related to Civil War icon Robert E. Lee and to the author of the James Bond series, Ian Fleming.

Lee famously portrayed the titular character in The Man With the Golden Gun‘ the villain Francisco Scaramanga.

Lee was also asked by Fleming to play Dr. No in the James Bond's first film outing, but was overruled by the film's producers. He was also considered for Bond himself.

Lee was also asked by Fleming to play Dr. No in the James Bond’s first film outing, but was overruled by the film’s producers. He was also considered for Bond himself.

He hosted Saturday Night Live in 1978 after a string of American hits. Many thought it was beneath him, which he said was precisely why he agreed to do it.</p>
<p>For those curious, Meatloaf was the musical guest.

He hosted Saturday Night Live in 1978 after a string of American hits. Many thought it was beneath him, which he said was precisely why he agreed to do it.

For those curious, Meatloaf was the musical guest.

His stint on SNL both paid off and blew up in his face in a way. </p>
<p>Steven Spielberg said that he cast Lee in 1941 after seeing he could do comedy on the stage. He was also offered Leslie Nielsen's role in Airplane! but turned it down since he was already doing a comedy.  He called that the biggest mistake of his career.

His stint on SNL both paid off and blew up in his face in a way.

Steven Spielberg said that he cast Lee in 1941 after seeing he could do comedy on the stage. He was also offered Leslie Nielsen’s role in Airplane! but turned it down since he was already doing a comedy. He called that the biggest mistake of his career.

Lee was a member of the Special Operations Executive during World War 2, better known by it's nickname; the Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare.</p>
<p>Lee and his comrades would run raids behind enemy lines. And not just your rinky-dink destroy-an-entire-German-airfield type raid (yes they did that too), but more along the lines of a destroy-the-secret-Nazi-Nuclear-program-in-Norway, type of mission.<br />
He was, in many ways, the real James Bond.

Lee was a member of the Special Operations Executive during World War 2, better known by it’s nickname; the Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare.

Lee and his comrades would run raids behind enemy lines. And not just your rinky-dink destroy-an-entire-German-airfield type raid (yes they did that too), but more along the lines of a destroy-the-secret-Nazi-Nuclear-program-in-Norway, type of mission.
He was, in many ways, the real James Bond.

Lee was an accomplished musician as well. He released multiple heavy metal albums, including Christmas versions as well. Here's a link to his renditions of  the Little Drummer Boy and Silent Night.

Lee was an accomplished musician as well. He released multiple heavy metal albums, including Christmas versions as well. Here’s a link to his renditions of the Little Drummer Boy and Silent Night.

Lee was knighted in 2009, so when you all start your Lee movie marathons this weekend, remember to tip your hat to Sir Christopher Lee.  </p>
<p>Truly a modern legend.

Lee was knighted in 2009, so when you all start your Lee movie marathons this weekend, remember to tip your hat to Sir Christopher Lee.

Truly a modern legend.

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Wings without the mess

We have a love-hate relationship with wings. The taste is great; the mess, not so much. So we set out to find a solution. The result? Buffalo chicken meatballs. These bites are spicy, tangy and perfectly tender, but infinitely more white summer wear friendly.

Makes: 6 to 8 appetizer servings   Start to Finish: 40 minutes

Ingredients

4 tablespoons olive oil, divided
2 celery stalks, finely minced
½ white onion, finely minced
1 egg, lightly beaten
1 tablespoon mustard
1 pound ground chicken
1 cup bread crumbs
1 teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
6 tablespoons butter
¾ cup Buffalo-style hot sauce
1 cup blue-cheese dressing (optional)

Directions

1. In a small skillet, heat 1 tablespoon of the olive oil over medium heat. Add the celery and onion, and cook until tender, 3 to 4 minutes. Let cool to room temperature.

2. In a medium bowl, mix the cooled celery mixture with the egg, mustard and ground chicken to combine. Add the bread crumbs, salt and pepper; mix to combine.

3. Form the mixture into 1-inch balls. Heat the remaining 3 tablespoons olive oil over medium heat. Add the meatballs and cook until golden brown all over, 2 to 3 minutes per side (8 to 10 minutes total). Shake the pan to roll the meatballs around in the hot oil to ensure they’re fully cooked through.

4. In a medium pot, melt the butter over medium heat. Add the hot sauce and whisk to combine until smooth. Toss the meatballs in the sauce to coat.

5. Serve the meatballs warm with a side of blue-cheese dressing (if using).

Note: The meatballs can be made up to two days ahead and gently reheated on the stove or in the microwave.

I use a  round bottomed scoop from an old coffee canister to auto portion the meatballs and this causes me to get about 16 one ounce balls per batch. So right off you can tell I’m making double batches and usually 2 of those when I make this.

I’ve also found that a get a better meatball, texture , integrity and flavor wise using 1# of ground chicken to 1# ground dark meat turkey in my double batches. Because I’m making large amounts and two different meats, I use a stand mixer with a paddle attachment. This more thoroughly incorporates everything (mix the meats for a minute before adding other ingredients) and gives me a firmer denser texture meatball which not only in more reminiscent of the chicken wing but stay together much better when skewered and lifted out of pan.

Personally when doing this recipe for a party I continue up to step 3 then refrigerate the meatballs. The day of the party I make the sauce, place the cold meatballs in in the pan of sauce to coat and then into a crockpot to finish heating/warming and absorbing the sauce.

Keep extra sauce on had (or a beer) as you might need to add it to the crockpot as the sauce thickens to keep it from sticking/burning or the meatballs from drying out.

Don’t limit these to just appetizers or buffet item either! Put a couple of them in a taco shell or hot dog bun have a tray with appropriate toppings (blue cheese crumbles or Ranch & Blue Chees Dips/Dressings, Coles Slaw shredded, chopped or thinly sliced celery and extra sauce work well). They work well as a slider using corn bread muffins too, just flatten them a bit with a fork before placing on a muffing and topping them.

Finally if you don’t have buffalo sauce or are not a fan of it, use Picante that you’ve spun in a blender in place of it in the recipe.

Berry Lemonade Slush

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Prep Time: 10min.

Total Time: 10min.

Servings:

4 servings, 1 cup each

 

 

 

Ingredients:

  • Country Time Lemonade Flavor Drink Mix

  • 1 cup fresh or frozen strawberries, blueberries or sliced peeled peaches

  • 1 cup water

  • 2 cups ice cubes

Directions:

  1. Measure drink mix into cap to 1 quart line (1/2 cup).
  2. Let guests choose their fruit then blend water, drink mix and fruit in blender until smooth. Add ice; blend on high speed until thickened.
  3. Serve immediately.

Frozen fruit makes this way easier and faster to do with the added bonus of using fruit that might not be in season. Need I mention the ‘adult beverage possibilities’ that exist with this mixture? Don’t over look adult add ins like Peachtree, Mead, Lemoncello,  or Fruit/Sparkling wines. Just remember, higher proof= more alcohol= faster melting time so this is a time when the alcohol should be added to individual glasses and not to the blender/pitcher. Keeping the glasses small and chilling them or using insulated ones should also help.

Mama K’s Camper Style Potatoes

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Ingredients:

2 pounds red potatoes, thinly sliced

16 ounces Summer Sausage, thinly sliced

12 ounces Shredded Cheddar Cheese, divided

4 ounces  Sour Cream

2 teaspoons  Iodized Salt

1 teaspoon  Ground Black Pepper

1 teaspoon  Garlic Powder

Directions:

  1. Preheat oven to 375°.
  2. In a large mixing bowl, combine potatoes, sausage, half the cheese, sour cream and seasonings.
  3. Place mixture on a double layer of 12×12-inch pieces of aluminum foil. Top with remaining cheese. Fold the corners together to make a pouch.
  4. Bake for 35-45 minutes or until potatoes are tender.

TIP: The aluminum foil pouch can also be cooked on a closed grill or simply placed directly into a campfire.  If making in a campfire, place a large flat rock on the edge of the fire, about ½ way in the fire, and rotate potato pouch after about 20 minutes

Works well with ham too (I use a pre-sliced like Hormel’s Cure 81 which does seem to have as much salt) or partially precooked breakfast sausage patties, even good quality smoked rope sausage (slice on severe bias). The ham and sausage versions are always in demand at the annual family river rafting trip to accompany eggs for breakfast. I even get potato slicing volunteers if I’ll make it. 

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Am I getting to be That Age?

Today I was in a store that sells sunglasses and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asked, “what brings you in today?” I looked at her, and said, “I’m interested in buying a refrigerator.”  She didn’t quite know how to respond.

When people see a cat’s litter box they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?”

Just once I want to say, “No, it’s for company!”

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency.

I think you should write, “An ambulance.”

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today

is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. 

Since I can’t afford one, I’m wearing my garage door opener.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it

“Pumping Rust”.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

Birds of a feather flock together, and then poop on your car.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me …. They were cramming for their finals

As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL?

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

Did you ever notice: When you put the words “The” and “IRS” together they spell “Theirs”?

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their “odometers.”  Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

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Top 12 ‘dirty’ fruits and vegetables

Published On: May 01 2014 11:47:26 AM CDT Updated On: Jun 12 2015 01:00:00 AM CDT

EWG analyzed pesticide residue testing data from the U.S. Department of Agriculture and Food and Drug Administration to come up with rankings for these popular fresh produce items. All 48 foods are listed below from worst to best (lower numbers = more pesticides)

Note: EWG analyzed pesticide tests of 48 popular produce items. Domestic and imported versions of two items – blueberries and snap peas – showed sharply different results, so we have ranked those domestic and imported items separately. As a result, the full list of foods ranked by the Shopper’s Guide displays 50 entries.

1  Apples
2  Peaches
3  Nectarines
4  Strawberries
5  Grapes
6  Celery
7  Spinach
8  Sweet bell peppers
9  Cucumbers
10  Cherry tomatoes
11  Snap peas – imported
12  Potatoes
13 Hot peppers +
14  Blueberries – domestic
15  Lettuce
16  Kale / collard greens +
17  Cherries
18  Plums
19  Pears
20  Green beans
21  Raspberries
22  Winter squash
23  Tangerines
24  Blueberries – imported
25  Carrots
26 Summer squash
27  Broccoli
28  Snap peas – domestic
29  Green onions
30  Bananas
31  Oranges
32  Tomatoes
33  Watermelon
34  Honeydew melon
35  Mushrooms
36  Sweet potatoes
37 Cauliflower
38  Cantaloupe
39 Grapefruit
40 Eggplant
41 Kiwi
42 Papayas
43 Mangos
44  Asparagus
45 Onions
46 Sweet Peas (frozen)
47  Cabbage
48 Pineapple
49 Sweet Corn
50  Avocados

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Leprechaun-Running-With-A-Beer-And-Flag Closing

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