Leprechaun Laughs #336 for Wednesday February 10th 2016

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Blah-humbug.

Feeling and getting better, but not particularly talkative.

Besides, the issue is huge and is going to take a lot of time to get through.

Now if you excuse me I have to go represent Waldo at his custody hearing.  Apparently according the the Government being ‘off the grid’ makes you a  potential terrorist.

TEam USa Lets Roll

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[At least to us.]

Impish was suppose to announce this Saturday as was only fitting since he founded this blog long before there ever was such a thing as blogs. However Impish rarely reads my memos in a timely fashion and didn’t get this one until after his issue when to publication (as normal 2 minutes before its deadline). So it falls to me to make this momentous announcement. As you know I have mentioned several times we were approaching the 300,000 views mark. I have been tracking it on about an every other day basis though being sick did sort of interfere with that somewhat.

I checked the total page his on Feb 5, 2016, at 13:07 ( that’s last Friday just after 1 in the afternoon to you civilians) and found that we had-

PASSED the 300,000 views mark!

As I have said before given we’ve only been in the blog now for something like 6 years and only have around 475 members give or take at any one time this to us is HUGE.

Impish and I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your continued readership and support without which this would never had been possible.

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Which reminds me…

Just a friendly reminder that Valentine’s Day is just around the corner!

(Pauses to savor the screams &/or moans of despair from the men in the audience)

Here are a few addressable gift cards for your presents.

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One time of the year where being a socially awkward Geek has its advantages!

And here are a few V Day cards for you Nerds out there:

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Finally since I’m feeling a bit terse with the raw throat I’ve still got left. I decided I might as well translate that over to Molly’s Valentine’s Day card as well-

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Or you can celebrate V-Day with good a ol’ fashioned board game that has a very adult twist. Diamen? Ginny? Impish and I are waiting to play!

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Sorry but after that I feel compelled to show this video:

 

After all if it’s not music it must be noise right?

 

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Brain-eating Zombies abandon attack on Washington

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BREAKING NEWS: The attack of the brain-eating zombies on Washington has failed.

Zombie leaders have just announced they are withdrawing from the nations capital confirming what many zombie leaders had earlier said. “this attack was a fruitless effort in that the supply of brains in Washington was limited to only a very small percentage of the population”.

Recent estimates that only about 1% of Washington residents possess enough “grey matter” for a decent meal have been confirmed as many of the zombie army are dying from starvation on the battle fields in and around the White House and Capital.

In additional news from across the nation, the attacks on the major universities have also ceased for the same reason. The zombies are now concentrating their attacks on the many survivalist camps around the country, but are being met by fierce resistance from the well-armed occupants of these isolated outpost.

Meanwhile the mindless madness continues in the Capital and on campuses across America

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A husband gets more than he expected after asking his wife what’s on her mind

Recently, a guy asked his wife to draw out what she was thinking.  I doubt he wasn’t expecting such an elaborate map.

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Although at first glance it comes off a bit overwhelming, it shows just how much actually is on her mind and how good mothers and wives can be at working through the madness.

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Thoughts on kids? That’s gonna take several diagrams.

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Luckily for the husband, (as long as his name is Stephen) she thinks of him fondly.

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….Very fondly.

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I have to admit I have my doubts about that drawing being done by a female. Did you see shopping, shoes, gossip, chocolate or wine?

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“IMPISH! GET YOUR BLOODY SNOUT OUT O’ ME GLASS!- Lethal Leprechaun

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Stupid Shit Cops Say to Keep You From Recording

Avi S. Adelman December 2, 2015

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As I dive deeper and deeper into the legal complexities of the right to photograph and record in public (I can quote Glik v Cuniffe so fast I will make your head spin), I have noticed a disturbing trend:

The reasons and excuses offered by police officers, firefighters, security officers, even teachers and principals, to keep you from taking a photograph are just plain pathetic.

There’s not a shred of originality – let alone truth – to any of them. It’s as if they communicate on their own private radio frequency. What really fascinates me is how people who are usually intelligent and hard-working individuals can say many of these things without thinking, That is so stupid and inane, even I wouldn’t believe it if I heard it.

Of course, many of these statements are illegal, threatening, violations of any number of your Constitutionally-mandated rights (if not all of them), or just plain – how can we say this in a diplomatic way? – frigging stupid.

This list is posted for your protection and education. The next time you hear someone in authority – or someone who thinks they are in a position of authority – saying anything on this list, your Bullshit Meter should set off an alarm and you can just ignore the blubbering fool.

If you have any more words of wisdom to add to this list, please put them in the comments.

  1. The camera could be a gun.
  2. 9/11. That’s all I need to say.
  3. Are you a terrorist?
  4. You must be a terrorist.
  5. National security. That’s all I need to say.
  6. If this building were to suddenly blow up, we would want to know who to call with some questions.
  7. You don’t have my permission to take my photograph here on the street.
  8. You need permission to take photographs of people in the accident.
  9. You need to respect people’s privacy.
  10. You’re real close to going to jail…real close!
  11. Put that camera down and stop taking photos. Now!
  12. Do you not have anything better to do with your life?
  13. Let me see your credentials/identification/press pass/etc.
  14. You need a press pass to be here.
  15. The crime scene is as big as I want it to be.
  16. Just back away and shoot with a long lens.
  17. I’m taking your picture because you took mine.
  18. The yellow tape is for anyone not holding a camera. YOU need to go back another block or more.
  19. Why are you pointing a camera at me while I am trying to do my job?
  20. Give me the photo disk. Now!
  21. If you keep recording, we will take your camera as evidence!
  22. Give me your camera. Now!
  23. Let me see your photographs.
  24. I don’t need a warrant to see your photographs.
  25. I don’t need a warrant to take your camera.
  26. Stop resisting arrest while I try to take your camera!
  27. You have taken enough photos, now go away.
  28. You cannot have my name and badge number.
  29. My name is Your Worse Nightmare and my badge number is 666.
  30. This is a government building, no photographs are allowed.
  31. You can’t take photographs of that government building.
  32. You can’t take photographs of that office building.
  33. You don’t have my permission to record this conversation on the street.
  34. Because I said so!

I have prepared a two-page reprint of this story so you can carry it in your camera bag (anyone for Stupid Shit Cops Say Bingo??). Click here to download the PDF file.

About Avi S. Adelman

Avi S. Adelman is a sort-of professional photographer in Dallas, Texas, shooting mostly for fun and not much profit. He is also a freelance graphic designer. Avi is a member of the National Press Photographers Association (NPPA) and organized the first “Right to Photograph & Record in Public” event presented by NPPA in October 2014 to more than 200 law enforcement officers in North Texas.

John Cleese: Political Correctness Can Lead to an Orwellian Nightmare

 

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You have to be really careful what you say around Mrs. Dragon. She’s very sensitive and has an Irish temper besides!

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Sampler Platter from a new BBQ joint Molly and I tried last weekend. Good thing we weren’t hungry and decided to share it when we ordered! Slaw is pink because it has pickled ginger in it and a mayonnaise-less Asian style dressing.

Ok so these might be too late for the Super Bowl but March Madness is right around the corner and then all those baby and bridal showers. You can never have too many good ‘go to’ munchies recipes in your panty.

Pizza Roll-Ups

 

 

 

Flaky, buttery crescent rolls surround sausage, pepperoni, and melting cheese. Serve with marinara sauce for dipping.

 

 

 

 

Ingredients:

  • 2 tubes of refrigerated crescent rolls

  • 1 (5 oz.) package of mini pepperoni

  • 1 (12 oz.) package of mozzarella string cheese

  • ½ lb. ground Italian sausage

  • Private Selection™ Pizza Seasoning

  • 2 Tbsp. melted butter

  • Garlic powder

  • 1 cup marinara sauce

Directions:

  1. Preheat oven to 375°F. In medium skillet, cook Italian sausage over medium heat until no longer pink, breaking up with a spoon until crumbly.
  2. Separate crescent dough into triangles and sprinkle pizza seasoning on top. Cut one string cheese in half and place at top of dough. Add mini pepperoni and Italian sausage.
  3. Roll up and place on baking sheet. Bake for 12-15 minutes or until golden brown. Brush with melted butter and sprinkle garlic salt over top. Serve with marinara sauce for dipping

Pizza Balls

Another version of the above idea which might be equally at home on the dinner table with a salad

pizza balls

Cheeseburger Dip

Cheeseburger dip – a hybrid of a simple cheeseburger with all the classic toppings and a creamy cheese dip.

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Ingredients:

  • 1 lb. lean ground beef

  • ½ cup onion

  • 2 tsp. Worcestershire sauce

  • 2 Tbsp. water

  • ½ cup dill pickles, chopped

  • 4 oz. cream cheese

  • 1½ cups shredded sharp cheddar cheese, divided

  • 2 cups romaine lettuce, chopped

  • 1 cup tomatoes, chopped

  • 2 green onions, sliced

  • Salt and pepper, to taste

  • Tortilla chips for serving

Directions:

  1. Preheat the oven to 350° F. Lightly grease a 1-quart casserole dish.
  2. Cook the ground beef and onion over medium heat in a medium nonstick skillet until the beef is browned and cooked through. Add the Worcestershire sauce, water, pickles and cream cheese. Stir until combined. Remove from the heat and add one cup of cheddar cheese. Stir again until combined. Season with salt and pepper to taste.
  3. Transfer the dip to the baking dish and cover it with the remaining cheese. Bake for 5-7 minutes or until the cheese is melted. Top with the chopped lettuce, tomatoes and green onions. Serve with chips.

Big Game Chocolate Hazelnut Cheesecake Dip

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This Chocolate Hazelnut Cheesecake Dip has layers of cheesecake filling and crunchy hazelnut spread, and it’s topped with a smooth whipped hazelnut mousse. It’s great for dipping strawberries, graham crackers and any other favorite fruit 

 

 

Cheesecake Filling:

  • 1 package (8 oz.) Cream Cheese, softened

  • ¼ cup Condensed Milk

  • Pinch of salt

Hazelnut Mousse:

  • 1 pint Heavy Whipping Cream

  • 3 Tbsp. Condensed Milk

  • 1 jar (13 oz.)  Hazelnut Spread

  • Pinch of salt

Other Ingredients:

  • Graham crackers

  • Strawberries

  • Other fruits

Directions:

  1. Beat the softened cream cheese and a pinch of salt in a mixer with 3 Tbsp. condensed milk until fluffy and combined. Add the vanilla and mix until well incorporated.
  2. Spread the cheesecake filling into the bottom of your serving bowl.
  3. Whip the heavy whipping cream until it reaches a medium peak.
  4. Add ¼ cup of hazelnut spread to the whipped cream, another pinch of salt and whip until stiff peaks form and the mixture is well combined. Don’t whip too much or the mixture will curdle. Set aside in the refrigerator to keep it chilled.
  5. Add the rest of the jar of hazelnut spread to the top of your cheesecake filling in the serving bowl and spread.
  6. Layer the chocolate hazelnut mousse on top of the chocolate hazelnut spread.  
  7. Garnish with strawberries, graham crackers and other fruits on the side and serve. Enjoy, and may the best team win!

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‘Confucius Did Not Say:

MAN WHO WANTS PRETTY NURSE MUST BE PATIENT.

PASSIONATE KISS, LIKE SPIDER WEB, LEADS TO UNDOING FLY.

LADY WHO GOES CAMPING WITH MAN MUST BEWARE OF EVIL INTENT.

SQUIRREL WHO RUNS UP WOMAN’S LEG WILL NOT FIND NUTS.

MAN WHO RUNS IN FRONT OF CAR GETS TIRED, BUT MAN WHO RUNS BEHIND CAR GETS EXHAUSTED.

MAN WHO EATS MANY PRUNES GET GOOD RUN FOR MONEY.

WAR DOES NOT DETERMINE WHO IS RIGHT; IT DETERMINES WHO IS LEFT.

MAN WHO FIGHTS WITH WIFE ALL DAY GET NO PIECE AT NIGHT.

IT TAKES MANY NAILS TO BUILD A CRIB, BUT ONLY ONE SCREW TO FILL IT.

MAN WHO DRIVES LIKE HELL IS BOUND TO GET THERE.

WISE MAN DOES NOT KEEP SLEDGE HAMMER AND SLOW COMPUTER IN SAME ROOM.

MAN WHO LIVES IN GLASS HOUSE SHOULD CHANGE CLOTHES IN BASEMENT.

And, Confucius  Certainly Did Ever Not Say. . .”A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!”

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George Carlin – Political Correctness is fascism pretending to be Manners…..

 

Politically Incorrect

We’re All Going to Jail: When a masked man was spotted outside Brickett Elementary School in Lynn, Mass., with a gun, the principal didn’t take any chances: she put the school on lockdown and called 911, even though she “thought the gun might be plastic.” It was, and so was the mask: the man was dressed as a “Star Wars” stormtrooper. “The way things are today, you can’t have that,” said Lynn Police spokesman Lt. Rick Donnelly. George Cross, 40, was arrested and charged with “disturbing a school” and loitering within 1,000 feet of a school, even though, Donnelly admits, “Our feelings are that he was not there to cause harm to the kids.” Cross “used bad judgment,” Donnelly says, which “did cause a disturbance and we can’t tolerate that.” (RC/Salem News) …Bad judgment: now a criminal offense.

Killing the Enemy: Holland is part of an international coalition against ISIS. “By killing a member of [ISIS] I have probably saved dozens of lives,” said Jitse Akse. And yet Dutch authorities have arrested a man reporters identified as Akse, 47, who allegedly joined Kurdish fighters to battle ISIS. “Dutch law — apart from in exceptional circumstances like self-defense — does not give citizens the right to use force and particularly not deadly force,” prosecutors said. The man was released, but his passport was taken and he could be charged with murder. (AC/AFP) …Because the difference between war and murder is whether your government told you to do it.

A Big Hairy Adventure: Donald Trump has been making the U.S. Presidential race into quite a show, and now he’s topping the charts in the world of erotic literature. Comedian Elijah Daniel, 22, wrote the book in four hours while drunk, and now Trump Temptations: The Billionaire & The Bellboy is ranked number 1 in Amazon’s “humorous erotica” and “gay erotica” categories. “With his oily orange skin glistening in the sunlight as if he were a soggy Cheetos,” one passage reads. Most of the book’s reviews on Amazon give it five stars. “This has to be the single most impressive piece of writing in modern American literary history,” wrote one reviewer. “When I am on my death bed I will be reading this book and my family will say ‘Again?’ and I will say ‘Yes, now and forever’.” Senator Ted Cruz has also has an erotic book written about him: Lacey Noonan’s A Cruzmas Carol: Ted Cruz Takes a Dickens of a Constitutional. (MS/Los Angeles Times) …This could be a whole new, fun way to elect a President.

http://www.thisistrue.com.

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Shenanigator

Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1473

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6 January 2016

Good Morning Campers!

It’s happened!!!

Woo Hoo!

My new (to me) laptop got here yesterday! 

17.3 inch Screen
1 TB of storage
Touch Screen

And a fantastic price because it’s refurbished.  It may not last more than a couple of years, but the one that I’ve had for many, many years is about done.  I’ve done all the updates and put a lot of the storage on a portable hard drive and I’ve worked around the keys that don’t quite work anymore, that long time that it takes to start up and the strange noises it makes as it operates.

I spoke to it a few weeks ago and it told me that it would try to hold on till the new one got here, but it’s getting hard to keep up and I’m tired.  It’s time for me to pass.

So, this is the last issue from my old standby.

Next week’s issue will be from the new guy…if I can get it spun up and working the way that I want.  And if I can get all the applications installed the way that I want…and….we’ll see.

But right now, I have to work all weekend so let’s get this party started:

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4b

Being a Dad is not easy.  In fact, it’s probably the hardest job in the world, second only to being a Mom.  One of the things I learned early on is that you gotta blend some humor in with the raising and disciplining stuff if you want your child to grow up to be a well-rounded child.  So, this Dad gets it. 

The CDC warned border state health officials to beware the mosquito-borne Zika virus that’s entering the U.S. from Latin America. The disease’s symptoms set off alarm bells on the West Coast. Any disease which causes listlessness and brain damage could go undetected for years in Los Angeles.

This Zika virus is pretty scary stuff.  And that’s coming from a guy who works with scary stuff for a living.  The virus is spread to people through mosquito bites.  But, that may not be true any longer.  I just read a report that supposes that the virus was transmitted from one person to another through sexual contact. http://www.cnn.com/2016/02/02/health/zika-virus-sexual-contact-texas/index.html

It is the first known case of an American getting Zika locally.  In other words, all cases up to this point have been from someone who has been to South America and been bitten by an infected mosquito.

The symptoms include fever, rash, joint pain, and conjunctivitis or red eyes.  It’s usually mild with symptoms lasting from several days to a week.  Severe cases requiring hospitalization are rare.

So, why are we worried about it, if it’s just mild symptoms?

From my viewpoint as a CBRNE (Chemical, Biological, Radiological, Nuclear and high-yield Explosive) Survival Instructor, any disease or virus that is transmitted by mosquito has the potential to mutate into something worse.  It’s already mutated by being able to have human to human contact.  Trust me when I tell you that it doesn’t bode well.

The particular mosquitoes that transmit this disease do not travel more than like 50 feet or so from their birth place, so the odds of them making their way up to the US are pretty slim…unless it mutates…which it already has.

So, you see why someone who plays with nerve agents and anthrax for a living is a little concerned about this stuff?

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Yes.  Yes, we did.

 

Hey Hillary.  Pay attention, this next one is for you…

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Good ole Maggie…we need a few more like her around!

 

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People are always making monuments to me.

 

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Jeannie who is Gracie and I have been talking about this back and forth for several days and both of us have said how often this has happened to us.  And I know for a fact, cause I share books with some of them, that quite a few people who read this ezine are sitting at their desks right now nodding their heads thinking of times that this has happened to them.

 

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If you think about it, it makes a lot of sense.

 

Okay, do you guys remember this from Wednesday in Leprechaun Laffs?
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Cream Cheese Swirled Banana Zucchini Bread

If there is anything you should know about Impish and my culinary predilections (aside from the fact we both like to cook and eat) its that we’re both gaga over Banana Bread. When I found this recipe I immediately shared it with Impish who in turn immediately volunteered to test drive it. Look for his comments on the recipe Saturday.

Well, here it is!  What a great and simple recipe this was.  Here’s my repor5t:

I’ll take this one step at a time.  The first thing I did was set the oven to:

This was pretty much my first mistake with this recipe since I was taking notes and pictures through out the entire thing, I really didn’t need the oven for at least 30 minutes so I wasted some heat, but that’s okay, since you won’t have that problem.5a
Then I had to grease and flour a 9×5 inch loaf pan.  I was taught a LONG time ago how to do this the RIGHT way, so as you can see, my pan looks pretty good:
5b

After that, I did something that I don’t usually do when I’m cooking at home for myself or my family, but something I used to do all the time when I was training new cooks, chefs, bakers, etc.  I took out and premeasured all the ingredients so that we could concentrate on the actual cooking and what the recipe is really trying to make.  So, I did it hear, photographed it and labeled it all.  Well, I labeled it all for the5c picture, I didn’t label it in real life.

Next we added the flour, sugar, cinnamon, baking powder, baking soda and salt to a large bowl.  And this is what that looked like:

 
5d

 

Many people don’t realize that it’s important to mix dry ingredients as well as wet ingredients.  So, what I always do is grab a whisk and stir up the powdered ingredients so that it looks like this:

 

5e

Next we do the same thing with the wet ingredients.  We add the egg, bananas, oil and vanilla extract to a smaller bowl.  The problem is, that this REALLY doesn’t look as good as the dry ingredients:

I won’t say what it looks like to me.  I’m sure you can figure that out for yourself.  I used VERY ripe bananas that we had frozen some months back and froze.  Thawed them out and put them in the mix.  Yes, we actually have bananas frozen for just this type of occasion.  Like Lethal said in his Wednesday issue, we both LOVE our banana bread.

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Now, we’re going to mix that and as you can see, it looks better, but not by much:

 

 

5g

Now we start adding the dry ingredients to the wet ingredients.  I used the electric mixer for this because #1 I’m lazy, #2 my arthritis won’t let me mix by hand too much anymore and #3 I’m lazy.  Next you fold in the zucchini.  Now, folding the zucchini was really tough.  It didn’t fold at all.  So, instead, I shredded it and added it to the mix.
Okay, reality check here.  Folding means adding it in to the mix and stirring it downward in a folding motion.  I didn’t do that.  I added it in and beat the hell out of it with the mixer because I like the zucchini mixed in well.

5h

 

You now pour half the mixture into your greased and floured 9×5 loaf pan.  That was probably the easiest part of the whole recipe.

 

Now, the next part is where it starts getting difficult.  It doesn’t work out as well as the recipe says it will and had I to do it again, I would’ve done it differently.5i

You put the softened cream cheese, sugar and the other egg in a small bowl and whip it till it’s creamy.  Make sure the cream cheese is REALLY soft.  And I still don’t think that’s enough to get it as creamy as it should be.  Beat those ingredients into submission. 

What I would’ve done different is to add a little milk or another 5jegg or some melted butter or something to make it a bit softer.

The recipe says to then pour this over the the batter in the pan, but you weren’t pouring this stuff anywhere.  It was too stiff.  So, I used an old lasagna trick to put the ricotta cheese on the lasagna by spooning the mixture into a zip lock bag, cutting a tiny piece off the corner and making a home-made pastry bag.  I’ve done this with icing on a cake and all kinds of different things.
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Then you squeeze it out on top of the mixture and it looks like this:

It works.

It’s not pretty.

But, it works.

5l

 

Then you add the rest of the batter on top.  And throw it in the oven for 50-60 minutes.

except

For me, it took about 90 minutes before it was done all the way.  I’m not sure if my pan was too deep (a 9×5 pan is a 9×5 pan.  That shouldn’t have mattered)  or whether it was something else.  I almost think that using a 9×9 inch pan would’ve been better.  But, when it was done, it came out of the oven and looked and smelled SO GOOD!!!

And once we cut it and ate it…. oh my gawd!  … it was great!  Thanks Lethal for pushing this one and letting me in on it a little early so I could try it out.  And thanks to all of you for hanging with me through this explanation.

5n5o5m

 

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Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
 
He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
 
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.
 
 On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.
 
Upon seeing the king the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area”.
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional.  And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.”  So he continued on his way.
 
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky.  The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
 
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
 
The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.  I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”
 
So the king hired the donkey.  And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
 
And the practice is unbroken to this date…

 

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This is the view from outside the vacation mountain.  And yes, it’s real and no, I won’t tell you how.

 

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But she will still not hesitate to tell you how poor she is.

 

A guy walks into a Washington, D.C., Catholic Church confessional. He tells the priest, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat up a congressman.”
The priest responds, “My son, I’m here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service work.”

 

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Have you ever found yourself out numbered in a snowball fight?  Get plastered with snowballs and buried in the snow?  Well, no more my friend.  Watch:

 

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But she’s broke.  Just ask her.  She’ll tell you.

 

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It was horrible

It was Me

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Don’t you wish that this is how it really was?  People would wake up real fast!!

The Canadians know how to handle complaints. Here is an example.

A Canadian female liberal wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter. She received back the following reply:

National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Canada

Dear Concerned Citizen

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces, who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called ‘Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers’ program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided, on a trial basis, to divert several terrorists and place them in homes of concerned citizens such as yourself, around the country, under those citizens personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is your detainee, and is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. You will be pleased to know that we will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with your recommendations.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his ‘attitudinal problem’ will help him overcome those character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling, however, we strongly recommend that you hire some assistant caretakers.

Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbors or relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless in your opinion, this might offend him.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills either in your home or wherever you choose to take him while helping him adjust to life in our country.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters except sexually, since he views females as a form of property, thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him.

You also should know that he has shown violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I’m sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of ‘respecting his culture and religious beliefs’, as described in your letter.

You take good care of Ahmed and remember that we will try to have a counselor available to help you over any difficulties you encounter while Ahmed is adjusting to Canadian culture.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man. Good luck and God bless you.

Cordially

Gordon O’Connor
Minister of National Defense

 

This one was sent in by the Whelpling and it just cracked me up!
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Now, that’s a perfectly good explanation to me.

 

And this one is from buddy Wheats.  Who titles this, a Socialist is a Socialist
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If you can’t read the sign, it says Bernie.

 

A Mexican teen came up to the Mexican border riding his bicycle carrying  two large bags on his shoulders. The officer stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
 
“Sand,” he answers.
 
The officer says, “We’ll just see about that.” He takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the teen overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases him, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the lad’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
 
A day later, the same thing happens. The officer asks, “What have you got?”
 
“Sand,” says the youngster.
 
The officer does a thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to him, and the young man crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. One day, the teen doesn’t show. Days pass and the officer never sees him. A month later, a messenger comes and hands the officer an invitation for a house warming.
 
When he gets to the address, he sees it’s a large villa with a pool, and many guests celebrating. Inside he finds the teen, holding a glass of wine and enjoying his guests.
 
“Hey, Buddy,” says the officer , “It’s driving me crazy. How are you so rich when all you were carrying across the border was sand? Just between you and me, what were you smuggling?”
 
The youngster flashes a smile and says: “Bicycles.”

 

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We’ll wrap up today’s issue with a fairy tale.  But, aye, not just any fairy tale.  ‘Tis the tale of the three little pigs, but mayhaps performed as M’Lord Shakespeare may have intoned. 

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Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments

Leprechaun Laughs # 335

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The big screen is still down this week when you enter the Conference Room.

On the screen is pretty much the same view as the last time though a few things have changed. There are now two cats nursing Lethal, one from the back of his chair, the other monitoring him from the arm of the chair barely discernable from under a portion of the blankets which cover what presumable must be Lethal given the Notre Dame cap on the head and the green leather and fleece slipper on the foot sneaking out from under the blankets.

The other difference is the message scrolling across the bottom of the screen…

“I’m slowly getting better but currently still too sick and its too cold here to travel. Antibiotics are helping, the swelling and inflammation are slowly going down, but they make me want to sleep and run a fever all the time. Plus Doctor wants my leg up 20 out of 24 hours a day.

Start the issue yourselves when you’re ready. Daimen or Ginny know how to do it. Catch you more hopefully next week. Don’t worry if I don’t respond to comments or emails right away, I’ve been spending minimal time online, about an hour or so every other day.”

Let's Roll 28

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Molly does, that is part of the reason I love her so. We have an arrangement, she brings me coffee and I bring here serious chocolate.

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Imbloc (Candlemass, Imblog, Imbole) – February 2nd

Imbolc

 

Pronounced: EE-Molc

Incense: Rosemary, Frankincense, Myrrh, Cinnamon
Decorations: Corn Dolly, Besom, Spring Flowers
Colours: White, Orange, Red

 

 

This holiday is also known as Candlemas, or Brigid’s (pronounced BREED) Day. One of the 4 Celtic “Fire Festivals. Commemorates the changing of the Goddess from the Crone to the Maiden. Celebrates the first signs of Spring. Also called “Imbolc” (the old Celtic name).

This is the seasonal change where the first signs of spring and the return of the sun are noted, i.e. the first sprouting of leaves, the sprouting of the Crocus flowers etc. In other words, it is the festival commemorating the successful passing of winter and the beginning of the agricultural year. This Festival also marks the transition point of the threefold Goddess energies from those of Crone to Maiden.

It is the day that we celebrate the passing of Winter and make way for Spring. It is the day we honour the rebirth of the Sun and we may visualize the baby sun nursing from the Goddess’s breast. It is also a day of celebrating the Celtic Goddess Brigid. Brigid is the Goddess of Poetry, Healing, Smithcraft, and Midwifery. If you can make it with your hands, Brigid rules it. She is a triple Goddess, so we honour her in all her aspects. This is a time for communing with her, and tending the lighting of her sacred flame. At this time of year, Wiccans will light multiple candles, white for Brigid, for the god usually yellow or red, to remind us of the passing of winter and the entrance into spring, the time of the Sun. This is a good time for initiations, be they into covens or self-initiations.

Imbolc (February 2) marks the recovery of the Goddess after giving birth to the God. The lengthening periods of light awaken Her. The God is a young, lusty boy, but His power is felt in the longer days. The warmth fertilizes the Earth (the Goddess), and causes seeds to germinate and sprout. And so the earliest beginnings of Spring occur.

This is a Sabbat of purification after the shut-in life of Winter, through the renewing power of the Sun. It is also a festival of light and of fertility, once marked in Europe with huge blazes, torches and fire in every form. Fire here represents our own illumination and inspiration as much as light and warmth. Imbolc is also known as Feast of Torches, Oimelc, Lupercalia, Feast of Pan, Snowdrop Festival, Feast of the Waxing Light, Brighid’s Day, and probably by many other names. Some female Witches follow the old Scandinavian custom of wearing crowns of lit candles, but many more carry tapers during their invocations.

 

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A mom texted her late son. You won’t believe who answered

Unless you’ve lost a child in the line of duty, you can’t imagine what this mom is going through. Her son was a state trooper who lost his life protecting the innocent. So when she texted his phone after he died, she never expected to get a reply, much less from someone who might actually understand.

 

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Cream Cheese Swirled Banana Zucchini Bread

If there is anything you should know about Impish and my culinary predilections (aside from the fact we both like to cook and eat) its that we’re both gaga over Banana Bread. When I found this recipe I immediately shared it with Impish who in turn immediately volunteered to test drive it. Look for his comments on the recipe Saturday.

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Prep time: 15 mins

Cook time: 50 mins

Total time: 1 hour 5 mins

 

 

 

Ingredients

  • 1-1/2 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1 cup sugar
  • 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
  • ½ teaspoon baking powder
  • ½ teaspoon baking soda
  • ½ teaspoon salt
  • 1 egg
  • 1 cup mashed ripe bananas
  • ½ cup canola oil
  • ½ teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 1 cup shredded zucchini
  • Cream Cheese Swirl:
  • 8 ounces cream cheese, softened
  • ¼ cup sugar
  • 1 egg
  • ¼ cup flour

Instructions

  1. Preheat over to 325 degrees. Grease and flour a 9×5 inch loaf pan. Set aside.
  2. In a large mixing bowl, combine flour, sugar, cinnamon, baking powder, baking soda and salt. In another small bowl beat the egg, bananas, oil and vanilla extract. Stir into the dry ingredients until just moistened. Fold in zucchini. Pour half of the mixture into your 9×5 inch pan.
  3. To make the cream cheese swirl: Beat together the cream cheese, sugar, egg and flour until smooth. Pour evenly over the bread. Top with remaining batter.
  4. Bake for 50-60 minutes or until the top is golden brown. If the top starts to brown too fast, tent with foil at about 30 minutes. Allow bread to cool for about 15 minutes before cutting.

 

Slow Cooker Beef on Rice

Slow Cooker Beef on Rice – Savory beef and gravy slow cooked to tender perfection and served over rice!

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Prep time: 5 mins

Cook time: 8 hours

Total time: 8 hours 5 mins

 

 

 

Ingredients

  • 2 pounds beef chunks (aka: stew meat )
  • 4 cups beef broth
  • 1 onion, chopped
  • 1 teaspoon Italian seasoning
  • 2-3 teaspoons salt (or to taste)
  • 1 teaspoon black pepper ( or to taste)
  • ¼ cup cold water
  • 3 tablespoons corn starch
  • 4-6 cups cooked white or brown rice

Instructions

  1. Add beef, broth, and chopped onions to slow cooker. Sprinkle with salt, pepper, and Italian seasoning.
  2. Cover and cook on low for 8 hours or on high for 4 hours.
  3. About 10-15 minutes before serving, Transfer slow cooker contents to a large stock pot and bring to a boil. Whisk together cold water and corn starch, add to pot, and stir until thickened. Serve over rice and sprinkle with chopped parsley if desired. Enjoy!

I add mushrooms to mine. Sometimes just white button or Crimini mushrooms. Other times I can get a package of mixed mushrooms from my produce guy.

Also I add a few splashes of Lea & Perrins Original Worcestershire Sauce or aged Balsamic Vinegar but never both at the same time.

Other liquids can be substituted for a portion of the broth (Beer, Guinness, or Red wine) though I would recommend making such substitution 1/2 cup at a time until you learn how it will effect the outcome’s overall taste.

This also goes well over (garlic) Mashed Potatoes, Polenta, Gnocchi or Biscuits

Parsley or snipped Chives should be used for garnish to brighten it up.

 

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Huh, maybe the ‘chemical contrail’ conspiracy theorist have something after all! No, wait. My bad that’s just Shamrock One under full magical thrust!

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Actually in reality its somewhere in between the first and the last panels. Though my clients DO seem to think I sit amid several million dollars of cutting edge computer gear just waiting for them to do something dumb.

Speaking of work….

Work happened for me today. I’m still chuckling over this one.

So I got a call from a Client complaining he can’t get to a website after I updated their security over the weekend. Well all that I updates as their antivirus definitions and the DNS host file used to block sites like Facebook, Porn sites and job hunting sites.

I show up at 8 AM and I’m conducted to one of the bigwigs offices (no name on the door) where I proceed to cool my heels for 20 minutes waiting for him to arrive. Hey no worries- I get paid by the half hour from the time I leave my house. He arrives all grumpy at me and brings me in side his office.

I ask him to demonstrate the problem to me while I watch. He types in a Celebrity’s name with the word ‘nude’ after it into the search bar and while I’m watching I see all these porn sites courtesy of his Google Auto-predict function. He clicks to go to the site and of course the DNS host file is blocking it because its porn. Nudecelebs .com.

I tell him its’ blocked because its’ Porn and that looking at Porn while at work is prohibited by the company and could get him fired. I also tell him that this is going to come to light when I have to turn my bill in. This guy looks blankly at me and says ‘but I’m the owner!’

I was damned near struck dumb. The best I could croak out was “Oh your the XXXXX behind XXXX Company. Nice to meet you. I can certainly remove that from your computer  for you then.”

He says ” Thanks. I really need something to keep me going through out the day…..”

I always thought stories like these we urban legends of the trade.

I’m also never shaking his hand again.

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Freddy Fangs, one of the Ninja Kitties all dressed up and hard at work manning (catting?) the reception area in the lobby along with Tuesday.

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Hmm…I wonder if Impish hears something along the lines of “Remember Dragon thou arte leaf and to leaf they shall return” on Ash Wednesday?

 

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Posted in Uncategorized | 6 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1472–30 Jan 16

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Good Morning Campers,

Another crazy week of weird hours and working on so many different projects I’m not sure what is going on on any different day.  It’s been wild.

And now it’s come time to write my lead in for today’s issue and I’m stumped.  I have no idea what to write about.  I’ve finished the issue and I’m just ready to print and I’m all written out.

So, I’m gonna give all of you a break tonight and just say:

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Well, it seems as though someone fixed the problem with the videos and we can now put them back in the issue.

Hooray!

And as the first video to be put back in Dragon Laffs this one is also a:
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Yup, this is a Dragon Laffs Public Service Announcement.  Our own dear Ginny sent me this video because it’s got some great safety information and something that every driver should watch.  So, click on it and watch, already.

A lot of good information that I didn’t know…and you know what they say, “It’s what you don’t know that can kill you.”  Yeah it can.

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Ouch! Rudolph doing time.  You know, having ridden with Santa on more than one occasion, I’m here to tell you that Rudolph can be a bit of a snob and finding out that he flipped out and is now behind bars isn’t that surprising to me.

 

A lot of our dear camper buddies on the east coast got their asses handed to them by mother nature in the form of a bunch of feet of snow.  Not inches, feet!  So, in their name I’d like to recite this little poem, you can even sing it, if you wish.

Oh the weather outside can bite me,
My muscles ache to spite me,
I don’t have that happy glow,
Stupid Snow
Stupid Snow
Stupid Snow

Thank you, thank you very much!  I’ll be here all day!  Don’t forget to tip your waitress.

 

 

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That is absolutely perfect for me, every morning!

 

Okay, so we’re celebrating videos and winter this issue, so sit back and watch and laugh

That’s why people move to Florida.

 

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Last year we had one of the qualifying rounds for the Draconian Olympics, which are held every four years in Draconia and which will take place this year.  Here is one of the contestants running the 25 mile dash and destroy events. 

 

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Yup, and it was a salesman by the name of Lethal Leprechaun.  Ain’t none better.

 

I am sorry that I have not been consistently responsive lately to emails from some of you.

I have been somewhat under the weather since my doctors informed me that I have an acute case of Post Islamic  Stress Trauma with Apologetic Whitehouse Fatigue (PIST-AWF).

For those of you who do not know what that is, PIST-AWF, it is a newly defined disease that is found to be widespread and highly contagious.  Symptoms include, but may not be limited to:

–      Severe pain of the scalp from pulling you own hair while viewing the President pander to Muslim terrorists.

–      Loose bowels from swallowing the fact we elected Obama twice. (I didn’t vote for the ass.)

–      Extreme hunger due to vomiting from nightly seeing Muslim terrorists murdering innocent people.

If you feel you have Post Islamic Stress Trauma with Apologetic Whitehouse Fatigue, please notify your local election board and place your name on the list for a cure.

It is expected, and sincerely hoped, that the cure will be available early November of 2016.

And, stupidly,  I  thought it was due to aging!

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That’s really not funny since Lethal handles my legal affairs under the same system.

 

Seen on the Northern State Parkway on Long Island.  A lot of people thought it was a misspelling, but actually, me and a bunch of my Dragon Buddies were headed that way to help with snow removal.
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This one is good, even if it is a push for Trump.  It makes a lot of good points.  Although I think I may have run this one once before, it’s worth watching again.

 

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Here’s some good ideas from our friends at Make Use Of on those of us getting older and keeping the evil Alzheimer’s from taking us to hell.
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Another of our security members.  She is part of the outer perimeter guard.  As you can see, she really enjoys her job.
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The NFL announced plans Thursday to put an NFL franchise in London within the next six years. The expansion won’t stop there. After two years, so many players will have been deported to Australia instead of serving prison time the NFL can put franchises in Melbourne and Sydney as well.

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Greenpeace reported that China’s windless winter is causing air quality to worsen in much of the country Wednesday. In addition, according to satellite readings, smog is drifting across the Pacific Ocean to pollute the West Coast of the U.S. Can’t we make anything in this country anymore?

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Heck, you celebrate the way you want and I’ll celebrate the way I do.

 

Thirteen Hours was released in theaters Friday about the terrorist attack on the U.S. consulate in Benghazi four years ago. It’s got Democrats jumpy. Hillary Clinton’s campaign said she won’t see the movie because she’s too busy campaigning, the same reason she didn’t stop the actual attack.

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Lethal Leprechaun and his law group Dewie, Cheatum and Howe have a newly hired junior attorney.  Here’s a short picture sequence of some of his latest rulings.

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Boy!  Ain’t this next one the truth!!!
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An old man asks his wife: “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?”

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that.. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he performed the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“Alright,” Martha said. “Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

Henry fainted…

 

 

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Okay, so I apologize for this one.
If it’s so bad, why am I publishing it?, you ask.
Well, believe it or not, there are actually campers out there among you who like this stuff.  And you know that Dragon Laffs is an equal opportunity insulter.

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Ginny sent this next one to me, so I sent it to you.  If you think it’s as sick as I do, then blame Ginny!

A  distressed but attractive woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get up the nerve to jump.
A passing hobo stops and says, “Since you’re about to kill yourself  anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?”
The  woman said “Get away from me, you sicko!”
The  bum turned to leave and muttered, “Fine, I’ll just go wait at the  bottom.”

Pretty bad, right?  Yeah, I thought so too.  It’s amazing that it made it through the censors. 

 

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“How To Stop Church Gossip”

      Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business.

Several members did not approve of her extra- curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.

 She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there would know what he was doing!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing..

 Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house … walked home …. .and left it there all night.

You always have to watch the quiet ones.  They’re the ones who get the best revenge.

 

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Okay, this just pissed me off to no end!  This is not right!  This is not right at all!  It’s time to have a
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Here’s the headline:

NY COUPLE ORDERED TO COMPLETE “RE-EDUCATION” TO CONTRADICT RELIGIOUS BELIEFS ABOUT MARRIAGE
JANUARY 27, 2016

So, my first thought is this some sort of way out there, off beat religion that allows people to marry their pets or something like that?  Oh no!  Not at all.  Read on dear camper:
Do you remember the New York couple, who was sued for their refusal to host a same-sex marriage ceremony on their property?

Not only was this their property, it was their home.   They live in the barn they built on their property, and would sometimes host weddings there. 

An appeals court just ruled that their refusal to host the union of a same-sex couple, in their own home, was discriminatory.

Okay, hang on a second.  Are you saying that if I don’t want, say, Islamic Muslims in my home, that I can be sued and charged with discrimination against a protected class of people?  It’s my home, shouldn’t I be allowed to have anyone in there that I want and to keep out anybody I want?  In my own home?

Apparently not.  There’s more.

They were fined $13,000, and to top it off – they were ordered to attend “re-education training classes” to counter their religious beliefs on marriage as a sacred union between a man and woman.

What is happening to the United States of America?

What indeed?  The government, which is supposed to stay completely OUT of the religion business, is basically telling this couple that their religion is wrong and that they are not allowed to worship as they see fit, but are being forced to be “reeducated” to meet the government’s standard of what religion is all about.

What about the Christian Scientists who won’t give their children medical help because they don’t believe in doctors?  They can let their children die in the name of their God, but this couple is being told that their religion, that basically says that marriage is between a man and a woman only.

Hmm, one forwards the government’s agenda and the other doesn’t, so it won’t matter if a child dies, but just that someone is discriminating against the left’s precious minorities.

CNSNews reports:

“After the agency ruled that the Giffords were guilty of ‘sexual orientation discrimination,’ it fined them $10,000, plus $3,000 in damages and ordered them to implement re-education training classes designed to contradict the couple’s religious beliefs about marriage,” a press release issued following the court decision stated.

In order to comply with the order, the couple will have to attend those “re-training” classes or have a “trainer” come to them, according to ADF.

“All Americans should be free to live and work according to their beliefs, especially in our own backyards,” ADF legal counsel Caleb Dalton, who argued before the court on behalf of the couple in Gifford v. Erwin, said in a statement. “The government went after both this couple’s freedom and their ability to make a living simply for adhering to their faith on their own property.

So, I guess we can cross this one off the list, just like the second one…

Amendment I

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

Yeah, we don’t like that one so much.  Besides, the Constitution is a living, breathing document, which means that it only says what we say it means.

Now, I want everyone to know that I am NOT gay bashing and saying that they shouldn’t be allowed to marry or anything like that.  What I’m saying is their right to be together does NOT over rule anyone’s right to believe whether what they are doing is right or wrong. 

They weren’t hurt in any way by these people saying that they couldn’t use their home.  It wouldn’t have been any different than them saying they were already booked on a particular day.  They just have to GO SOME WHERE ELSE!

But no.  They were discriminated against.  So, let’s sue. 

I agree with the author of this piece… WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA?!

I now return you to your regularly scheduled programing…

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Our Yearly Dementia Test– only 4 questions:

It’s that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it’s important to keep mentally alert. If you don’t use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty. Take the test presented here to determine if you’re losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don’t see the answers until you’ve made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.




1. What do you put in a toaster? 










Answer: ‘bread.’ If you said ‘toast’ give up now and do something else
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2. 





2. Say ‘silk’ five times. Now spell ‘silk.’ What do cows drink? 










Answer: Cows drink water. If you said ‘milk,’ don’t attempt the next question.
Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat.
Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said ‘water’, proceed to question 3. 







3. If a red house is made from red bricks and
a blue house is made from blue bricks and
a pink house is made from pink bricks and
a black house is made from black bricks,
what is a green house made from? 







Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. 
If you said ‘green bricks,’ why are you still reading these???
If you said ‘glass,’ go on to Question 4. 


4. Without using a calculator 
You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales.
In London, 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading, 
6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea, 3
 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmarthen, 6 people get off and 3 get on. 
You then arrive at Milford Haven…



Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver? 









Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don’t you remember your own age…. 
It was YOU driving the bus!
 

 

If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you. 

PS: 95% of people fail some of the questions!

 

 

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Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. 
Let’s have a look at the evidence: 
 
– No Christmas 
– No television 
– No nude women 
No football 
– No pork chops
– No hot dogs 
– No burgers 
 No beer 
No bacon 
– Rags for clothes 
– Towels for hats 
Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower 
 
– More than one wife 
(& More than one mother in law)
– You can’t shave 
– Your wife can’t shave 
– You can’t wash off the smell of donkey 
You cook over burning camel shit
 
– Your wife is picked by someone else for you 
– and your wife smells worse than your donkey 
 
 
Then they tell you that “when you die, it all gets better”?
 
Well no shit, Sherlock!…. 
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It’s not like it could get much worse

 

 

 

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My dog loves this picture.  He agrees completely that there are way too many cats on the internet.

 

I just opened this email from my dad and it hit me really hard.  Really hard.  So, I just had to share it with you guys.

That song gives me chills every time I hear it, but for some reason, today, it just hit me really hard.

 

A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, “May I help you?”
The man says,“Yes, I’m in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I’m having an argument with my wife and she says she’s going to jump out the window.”
The desk clerk says, “I’m sorry sir, but that’s a personal matter.”
The man replies, “Listen you idiot. The window won’t open…. that’s a maintenance matter.” 

 

1779

 

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. 
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
 
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him  about , ‘What time of night to be 
getting home is this? Where have you been?  Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.
 
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed 
off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself 
up the stairs.
 
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James 
Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
 
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
 
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his 
legs and feet.
 
‘They’re not hanging Wright  tonight,’ she said.
 
 
 
He whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN,  DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!’

 

 

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It’s not a matter of whether he is worth $15 an hour, or whether the place of business can afford to pay him and his peers $15 an hour, it is that he wants $15 an hour so he has to get it.  It’s such stupid bullshit.

 

Okay, so Lethal Leprechaun asked me for some room in my issue today for a guest rant and I said sure, how about the Last Word, it’s always an open topic and he can talk about what ever he wants.  Well, when I found out what he wanted to talk about I was in 100% agreement because that is the exact thing I was going to talk about myself.  So here, is Mr. Leprechaun’s …
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Notice of Withdrawal of DL/LL Digital Media’s Support of The Wounded Warrior Project
 
Greetings Readers.
 
I’d like to thank Impish for making room in his issue for this editorial rant.
 
As you know in addition to calling bullshit on public officials, liberals and urban legends we strive to bring humor into your life at least twice a week. We also pride ourselves on supporting of troops, past and present and seeing that once they come home they are not discarded and ignored. We try to be vocal proponents of them receiving the respect and care that their sacrifice demands be given to them, particularly to those who have served in combat and are left with permanent disabilities.
 
Back in 2004 I championed a newly emerging charitable organization called the The Wounded Warrior Project. Wounded Warrior Project is supposed to be a military and veterans charity service organization empowering injured veterans and their families. According to both The New York Times and CBS News (<= click hyperlinks to read the news stories) stands accused of spending only 60% of the money it collects on Wound Warriors where as other similar organizations like Disabled American Veterans Charitable Service Trust spends 96 percent of its budget on vets and Fisher House devotes 91 percent.
 
You might ask where the other 40 percent is going. A very reasonable question with a simple abet disturbing answer. According to 40 past employees of whom one gets the sense were apparently dismissed for having issue with the way the money was being spent. The Wounded Warrior Project has spent millions a year on travel, dinners, hotels and conferences that often seemed more lavish than appropriate, more than four dozen current and former employees said in interviews. Former workers recounted buying business-class seats and regularly jetting around the country for minor meetings, or staying in $500-per-night hotel rooms.
 
The organization has also spent hundreds of thousands of dollars in recent years on public relations and lobbying campaigns to deflect criticism of its spending and to fight legislative efforts to restrict how much nonprofits spend on overhead.
 
 
Some of its own employees have criticized it, too. William Chick, a former supervisor, spent five years with the Wounded Warrior Project. “It slowly had less focus on veterans and more on raising money and protecting the organization,” he said.
 
Mr. Chick, who was fired in 2012 after a dispute with his supervisor, said he saw the Wounded Warrior Project help hundreds of veterans. But like other former employees, he said the group swiftly fired anyone leaders considered a “bad cultural fit.”
 
Eighteen former employees — many of them wounded veterans themselves — said they had been fired for seemingly minor missteps or perceived insubordination. At least half a dozen former employees said they were let go after raising questions about ineffective programs or spending. [ The New York Times ]
 
Folks this doesn’t fly with us here at DL/LL Digital Media nor should it with you. In short order we will be removing any reference link to the Wounded Warrior Project from the Blog and would ask that you consider showing your support of our troops if you are so inclined by donating to an alternate charity with a much lower overhead and much more stringent spending controls relating to that overhead.
 
Thank you for your kind attention to this very important to us matter, I now return you to your normally scheduled Dragon.

Well, your normally scheduled Dragon is pretty well cheesed off as well.   You have no idea how much of my personal money I’ve contributed to this organization.  Lethal and I both have spent time and money on this organization to find out that this is what they are really all about! 

Yeah, I’m pissed.  And you should be too.

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Leprechaun Laughs # 334 for Wednesday Jan 27th 2016

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The fires are lit and crackling, the coffee and hot chocolate are piping hot and ready, that there are even a few adult beverage additives. Fresh warm pasties and cookies abound but no Lethal. Laying on the podium watch though 1/2 lidded eye Ninja Kitty Clan’s second in command Chai rests directly under the downdraft from one of the HVAC vents contentedly. Once you’re all gathered Friday approached the podium and managers to pry a token protesting for forms sake Chai off the podium before pushing several buttons, smiling to you all and exiting stage rear with a now content Chai purring away in her arm.

As the big screen begins to drop so do the lights. You see Lethal’s study appear on the big screen what appears to be a coal and peat fire going in the hearth and a big bundle of blankets and such in a recliner. On a table beside the recliner sits myriad of electronic devices, cell phone, two tablets a lap top, TV remote plus a box of Kleenex and a thermal mug. A the top of the chair on the side closet to the fire lays SC, Head of the Ninja Kitties, her chin resting contentedly on her paws. She apparently has noticed the light on the camera because she stretches her front legs then reaches down with a big paw to prod the mass of blankets in the chair from which a soft sort of slow  irregular chuffing noise is coming.

A moment later she lifts a  section of blanket by hooking it with her claws and sticks her head under only to loudly “Meow!” at something in the blankets. This seems to garner an unintelligible response from the blankets. SC’s head reappears with a frown. Carefully she makes her way down the blanket pile to a wireless keyboard laying on them and begins one paw typing:

Kat surfants  Hooman Peepulz-

Little green clan patron been da sicks bad since last Twosday.

They took him Vet’s for tree days, den he come home, but now sleeps more than kats do. Molly sez he gets better cause he comes sleeping in chair for a while now, pets kitties and sometimes makes hooman foods.

I try tell him you wuz here but he sleeps hard. His breff sez he took dem hooman treats in the little yellows bottles. Molly gibs him different ones to take all da time. We por kitties only get treats in morning and night and we haf ta come to food dish to get them no delivery like green one gets.

Mebbe he wake you for you later, when he done wif naps. When he first bees ups from nap he almost like old green one but he ned more naps fast after.  I know he had a happy cause some counter was at 299,259 and wanted to tells you bouts it.

No fears, I da watcher kitty, so I know where he put da issue thing I gonna shows you it now.

Opening Logo 18

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Yeah, I thought it was a stylized dragon too. Turns out its actually an aboriginal stylized kangaroo. Aboriginal Barista Latte Artists- Who even knew they existed?!

You Know You’re Drinking Too Much Coffee When…

You don’t sweat, you percolate.

Your life’s goal is to amount to a hill of beans.

When someone asks “How are you?” you reply, “Good to the last drop.”

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

You ski uphill.

You short out motion detectors.

You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.

You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.

You lick your coffeepot clean.

You spend every vacation visiting Maxwell House.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people’s fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

Your T-shirt says, “Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s coffee.”

You can type 60 words per minute …with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

All your kids are named “Joe.”

Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low”.

You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

People get dizzy just watching you.

The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.

Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

You’re so wired, you pick up AM radio.

People can test their batteries in your ears.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You want to be cremated so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.

You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar”.

Your Thermos is on wheels.

Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.

You don’t tan, you roast.

You don’t get mad, you get steamed.

You can’t even remember your second cup.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

Your farts smell like espresso.

Mosquitoes that bite you can fly through glass.

You stand in front of the microwave screaming, “Hurry up!”

During a police raid, you are caught shooting freeze dried Folgers in a coffee joint with Mrs. Folgers.

You use meth as a sedative.

Your friends refer to your coffee as elephant stimulant.

Your coffee was the prototype for the alien blood in Aliens.

You rush into the hospital emergency room, suffering from withdrawal and demand, “Quick! Start an I.V.: D5Caffeine. Stat!”

You are arrested for cultivating coffee plants for more than just your own personal use.

When served coffee at a friend’s house, you sometimes add “No Doze” so you get enough caffeine.

 

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Dutch Orchestra Walks Out

When the most liberal country in Europe pulls the plug on Islam, the world is beginning to see the light.

Queen Beatrix of The Netherlands attended a concert in the capital, Amsterdam .

The Conductor, who just happens to be Muslim, proceeds to give the Queen a lecture on the “beauty” of Islam. The entire orchestra got up and walked out, refusing to be associated with someone lecturing their queen.

Staff of the music hall escorted the conductor off-stage and after questioning, out of the building.

Now that took courage. Good for the people of Holland .

Watch the walk out. Bet you didn’t see this on your local news.

 

Text Message Exchange Between Mrs. Dragon & Impish-

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I call him Darth Minioneia

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Crockpot Beef Lasagna Soup

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This crockpot soup is a fun twist on a classic Italian dish. It’s delicious and easy to make; just dump everything into the crockpot and cook for seven to eight hours during the day. You’ll come home to a savory soup you’re whole family will love!

Time needed : 7-8 hour cooking

Serving Size:  ; 3-5 servings

 

 

Ingredients

  • 1 lb. ground beef
  • 1 onion, chopped
  • 1 (10 3/4 oz.) can tomato soup, condensed
  • 1 (14 1/2 oz.) can tomatoes, diced
  • 2 chicken bouillon cubes
  • 2 beef bouillon cubes
  • 4 C. water
  • 1 1/2 tsp. oregano
  • 1 1/2 tsp. basil
  • 1 tsp. parsley
  • 2 tsp. garlic powder
  • 1 tsp. salt
  • 1/4 tsp. pepper
  • 8 oz. Ricotta cheese
  • 8 lasagna noodles, broken into pieces and uncooked
  • 12 oz. shredded mozzarella cheese

Directions

Combine the onions, tomato soup, diced tomatoes, and tomato sauce and put in the crockpot. Add all the spices and bouillon cubes to the crockpot and pour in the water. Spread the broken uncooked lasagna noodle pieces around the crockpot. Crumble the raw ground beef over the top of the noodles. Cover and cook on low for 7 to 8 hours. 30 minutes before serving, stir in the Ricotta cheese and serve with shredded mozzarella cheese on top

German-Style Lentil and Sausage Soup

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Even if you aren’t a fan of lentils, this hearty soup will hit the spot this fall! This soup is bursting with flavors and brimming with sausage, carrots, garlic, and various other herbs and spices that will have you going back for seconds!

Time needed: 8-10 hours cooking

Serving Size:  8 servings

 

 

Ingredients

  • 1 lb. dried brown lentils, rinsed and drained
  • 10 C. chicken broth
  • 1 lb. carrots, grated
  • 2 Tbs. minced garlic
  • 1 tsp. Worcestershire sauce
  • 1/4 tsp. hot pepper sauce
  • 1 bay leaf
  • 2 Tbs.dried parsley
  • 1/2 tsp. garlic powder
  • 1/2 tsp. celery salt
  • 1/2 tsp. pepper
  • 1/4 tsp. ground nutmeg
  • 1-2 C. kielbasa sausage, cubed
  • apple cider vinegar, for serving, optional

Directions

Put the lentils in the bottom of a crockpot. Add in the chicken broth, carrots, garlic, Worcestershire sauce, hot pepper sauce, parsley, garlic powder, celery salt, pepper, and nutmeg. Stir in the sausage. Cover and cook until the lentils are tender, about 8 to 10 hours. Before serving remove the bay leaf and add 1 Tbs. apple cider vinegar, if desired.

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Maybe Lucky was smarter than I gave him credit for when he went into the cereal business

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