Leprechaun Laughs #277 for Wednesday 12/17 2014


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As you get off the elevator and head for the Conference Room wonderful smells greet your nose. Hot gingerbread competes with the scent of Peppermint tea and Adult Hot Chocolate.

Upon entering you see a much more relaxed and less harried Lethal in an apron armed with a spatula and cookie tray passing hot gingerbread men around to those in the patron seating smiling and joking with one and all. You notice that the seats in the open seating all have a candy cane on them. As soon as the seats are full Lethal places the cookie tray on the craft table and remove the apron. While mostly dressed in his pre college Green three piece suit with gold brocade vest he’s now sporting an interesting belt. The buckle seems to be a glass half dome containing a sprig of live mistletoe. As he climbs the stage to the podium you notice the same set up at the rear of his belt.

Good Morn ta ya and Nollaig Shona duit or Merry Christmas ta ya non Gaelic speakin’ heathens. A couple o’ housekeeping notes before we get started this morning.

1.) Would the person that ‘borrowed’ me Self Producing & Loading Auto-cannon Turret (aka S.P.L.A.T) please return it or provide its current location no questions asked? It’s actually part of an anti Grinch defense system we need to deploy to protect Santa’s secret warehouse stash her on the North American continent. I’m given to understand it was employed last weekend and apparently the detection system needs a bit o’ fine adjustment to distinguish between Dragons and Grinches.

Impish me apologies for the incident and me thanks for the quite mirthful test o’ the system.

2.) Before the question start about me choice in accessories let me just say the front is for amorous feelingly the holidays female readers and the back is for liberals who have an issue with me wishing folks “Merry Christmas. No you cannot borrow it and it is a one of a kind so no you cant buy one like it.

Ok, so much for the notices. Since I’m a wee tuckered out still from Finals and then celebrating Finals being over. So before Impish’s stock of Ginger Bread men and hot chocolate runs out I’m of for a quick 20 winks in me office.

Then I’m planning on sneaking out to do a wee bit o’ Christmas shopping for Molly. See we’re mostly debit card purchasing folk and while it does tend to make life easier, it also lets Molly see how much was spent where and when. This tends to make surprising her with gifts pretty hard. How ever this year I got paid under the table for a few things and got cash for the return of some of me text books. As a result I can shop off the radar for the first time in about 5 years

I’m off, I can here my brand new Executive Heat & Massage Office Chair calling me name. Enjoy and make merry….but only to excess!

YGR_LR 3

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Santa Is Real

Thanks to Paul B who’s trying to make it back on my Nice list for this.

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Mary, Did You Know? – Pentatonix

                                By request from the blog comments.

 

The X in Xmas

There is an often expressed notion that “Xmas” is a relatively new non-religious name / spelling for “Christmas.” However, it turns out, this isn’t the case at all, at least not originally. The “X” originally indicated the Greek letter “Chi,” which is short for the Greek, meaning “Christ.” So “Xmas” and “Christmas” were equivalent in every way except their lettering.

So when did this substitution start?
Although writing guides today, such as those issued by the New York Times; the BBC; The Christian Writer’s Manual of Style; and Oxford Press, discourage the use of Xmas in formal writing, at one time, it was a very popular practice, particularly with religious scribes, who are thought to have started the whole “Xmas” thing in the first place. Indeed, there are documented instances of using the symbol “X” in place of Christ’s name amongst religious scholars going back about 1000 years.

Eventually, this shorthand trick spread to non-religious writings where nearly everywhere “Christ” appeared in a word, the Greek Chi would replace that part of the word. For example, in the 17th and 18th centuries, there are numerous non-religious documents containing instances of “Xine,” which was a common spelling for someone whose name was Christine.

Bonus Facts:

  • The “-mas” part on the end of Christmas and Xmas comes from the Old English word for “mass.”
  • Other classic common abbreviations for “Christ” were: “Xp” and “Xt,” again both an abbreviated form of the Greek for Christ.
  • The Greek letters “X” (Chi) and “p” (Rho) superimposed together was once a very common symbol signifying Christ and was called, somewhat unimaginatively, the Chi-Rho.
  • The Chi-Rho was also used by scribes in a non-religious sense to mark some passage that was particularly good, with it literally implying “good.”

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Carol of the Bells (for 12 cellos) – ThePianoGuys

Ya getting enough early musical prezzies there Impish?

 

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Well that certainly raises ‘dashing though the snow’ to a whole new level!

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12 facts about ‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’ in honor of the 50th anniversary


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On Dec. 6, 1964, television audiences watched ‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’ for the first time. Fifty years later, the TV special continues to be a beloved holiday classic. Here are a few morsels you likely didn’t know about the popular Christmas special…

 

 

 

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Rudolph measured a mere 4-inches high and Santa stood just 8-inches. And though he appears relatively large on screen, the Bumble figurine stood 14-inches tall.

 

imageThe puppets were not meant to last forever. Despite their best efforts not to soil the puppets — only the animator and puppet maker were allowed to touch them in the studio, and they wore gloves when working on them — the figures were sprayed with magnetic flock to diffuse reflective light from the cameras. The spray contained acidity which contributed to the puppets’ deterioration over time.

 

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The special took about 18 months and 22 room-size sets to complete. The TV special was created in Japan by MOM Production Studios, led by Tadahito “Tad” Mochinaga, a pioneer in Japanese stop-motion animation.

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Animators spent two days observing deer to create Rudolph. Mochinaga, the chief animator, and his assistant Hiroshi Tabata spent two days at Nara National Park studying thousands of wild deer to observe the movement for their animation and to inspire their image of Rudolph and his setting.

 

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Before Burl Ives was corralled to narrate, Larry Mann (the voice of Yukon Cornelius) performed the narration. Mann’s version has never been heard publicly, but those who have listened to the recordings say Mann put on a Brooklyn-like accent that was less than gentle on the ears.

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More than 200 puppets were carved for the production of Rudolph. Ichiro Komuro, the puppet maker for the film, says that each character’s puppet was re-carved by hand for various movements and expressions, rather than using plaster and a mold, because it wouldn’t have been exact, “and the plaster head is very heavy for animation.”

 

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All of the characters were built with joints. The addition of joints allowed any part of puppets’ bodies to be moved, including their eyes, ears and mouth.

 

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Hermey, the elf who aspired to be a dentist, has left fans in question over his real name. In 1998, some merchandise marketed the elf with the name Herbie instead. Poor Hermey, he just can’t seem to catch a break.
 

 

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It took 24 frames to create one second of filmed animation.

 

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“Silver and Gold” was also originally sung by Yukon Cornelius. In a version never aired, Yukon Cornelius (Larry Mann) sings “Silver and Gold.” Before the song was reassigned to Burl Ives, it was recorded 28 times in Cornelius’ voice, including multiple takes that end with comic sobs.

 

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For decades, fans have focused attention on the little doll on Misfit Island because there was nothing visibly wrong with her. Though some wondered if it was her lack of a real nose, Arthur Rankin has said that she was depressed because her owner didn’t want her anymore and she felt unlovable.

 

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In the original special that aired in 1964, Rudolph, Hermey and Yukon Cornelius promise to return to visit Misfit Island, however, then never do so. This set fans into a angry frenzy and the studio responded to their bitter letters by changing the script. In 1965, the special included a short scene in which Santa and the reindeer deliver the Misfits to new homes. And all was right with the world.

 

The Top 5 Newest Residents of the Island of Misfit Toys

Remember when Rudolph visited the Island of Misfit Toys in that Rankin/Bass Christmas Special? If you’re not old like us, watch this YouTube video to learn what it’s all about.
It got us thinking: Some new toys must have moved to the Island by now.

5. Raggedy Ann Coulter and Raggedy Andy Dick

4. Where’s Waldo’s Pants?

3. Tonka Fracking Fun Toys

2. Disney’s “Frozen” Icy Uncle Walt Doll


And the Number One Newest Resident of the Island of Misfit Toys…

  1. Serious Putty

Lethal Libations

 

Eggnog Coffee Punch

“Fast and easy to make, this holiday drink decked with whipped topping and nutmeg mixes prepared eggnog with coffee ice cream and hot coffee.”

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Prep Time: 10 Minutes

Cook Time: 3 Minutes

Ready In: 13 Minutes

Servings: 4

 

 

Ingredients:

1 1/2 cups coffee ice cream
1 1/2 cups eggnog
1 cup hot strongly brewed coffee
4 tablespoons frozen whipped topping, thawed
4 pinches ground nutmeg

Directions:

1. Scoop the ice cream into a pan over low heat. Stir in the eggnog and coffee; and heat until warm, about 3 minutes. Pour into four glass or ceramic mugs. Top each with 1 tablespoon whipped topping and sprinkle with nutmeg. Serve immediately.

Nope you’re absolutely right. This one is only delicious not deadly…that is until you add Bailey’s, Kailua, Irish Whiskey or Rum (or some combo thereof) to it!

Sparkling Charleston Cosmopolitan

Photo: Ralph Anderson; Styling: Buffy Hargett Boost your spirits with a Sparkling Charleston Cosmopolitan. This peach, orange, and white cranberry “Southern” cosmopolitan is topped off with sparkling white wine.

Yield: Makes 1 serving

  • Hands-on: 5 Minutes
  • Total: 5 Minutes

 

Ingredients

  • 1 cup crushed ice
  • 3 tablespoons vodka
  • 1 1/2 tablespoons peach nectar
  • 1 tablespoon orange liqueur
  • 1 tablespoon white cranberry juice
  • 2 lemon wedges
  • 2 tablespoons sparkling white wine
  • Garnish: orange slice (optional)

Preparation

Combine crushed ice, vodka, peach nectar, orange liqueur, and 1 white cranberry juice in a cocktail shaker. Squeeze juice from lemon wedges into shaker. Place wedges in shaker. Cover with lid, and shake vigorously until thoroughly chilled (about 30 seconds). Strain into a 6- to 8-oz. glass; discard lemon wedges and ice. Top with sparkling white wine. Garnish, if desired.

Rudolph’s Tipsy Spritzer

Photo: Charles Walton IV; Styling: Buffy Hargett When you need a festive holiday cocktail, look no further than this easy spritzer made with orange juice, lemon-lime soft drink, cherry juice, and vodka. If you want a non-alcoholic beverage, just leave out the vodka and add more orange juice or soft drink.

Yield: Makes about 9 1/2 cups

  • Prep time: 10 Minutes

Ingredients

  • 5 cups orange juice
  • 2 cups chilled lemon-lime soft drink
  • 1 1/2 cups vodka
  • 1/2 cup maraschino cherry juice
  • 1/4 cup fresh lemon juice
  • Garnishes: lemon slices, fresh rosemary sprigs

Preparation

1. Stir together all ingredients; serve over ice. Garnish, if desired.

You can substitute Gin or White Rum for the Vodka.

I use my Rosemary sprigs to skewer a Maraschino cherry

“Do You Hear What I Hear” Mannheim Steamroller

 

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The True True Story of Rudolph

About a dozen people have forwarded me a somewhat fantastical version of the origin of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer this year just as in years past. While I thank them for their well meaning intentions I know the smell of Reindeer droppings when I smell them. So here instead is the real true story of the origins of the popular Christmas story and song.

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To most of us, the character of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, immortalized in song and a popular holiday  television special, has always been an essential part of our Christmas folklore, but Rudolph is in fact a mid-twentieth century invention whose creation can be traced to a specific time and person.

However, the glurgified account of that event reproduced above, while essentially correct in its broad strokes, erroneously inverts a key aspect of the process: The story of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was not developed by a man who was seeking to bring comfort to his daughter as her mother lay dying of cancer and who subsequently sold his creation to a department store chain. Instead, the Rudolph character and story was developed for commercial purposes by a Montgomery Ward copywriter at the specific request of his employer, and that copywriter then tested the story out on his own daughter during the development process to ensure it would appeal to children.
RudolphRudolph came to life in 1939 when the Chicago-based Montgomery Ward company asked one of their copywriters, 34-year-old Robert L. May, to come up with a Christmas story they could give away in booklet form to shoppers as a promotional gimmick — the Montgomery Ward stores had been buying and distributing coloring books to customers at Christmastime every year, and May’s department head saw creating a giveaway booklet of their own as a way to save money. Robert May, who had a penchant for writing children’s stories and limericks, was tapped to create the booklet.

May, drawing in part on the tale of The Ugly Duckling and his own background (he was often taunted as a child for being shy, small, and slight), settled on the idea of an underdog ostracized by the reindeer community because of his physical abnormality: a glowing red nose. Looking for an alliterative name, May considered and rejected Rollo (too cheerful and carefree a name for the story of a misfit) and Reginald (too British) before deciding on Rudolph. He then proceeded to write Rudolph’s story in verse as a series of rhyming couplets, testing it out on his 4-year-old daughter, Barbara, as he went along. Although Barbara was thrilled with Rudolph’s story, May’s boss was worried that a story featuring a red nose — an image associated with drinking and drunkards — was unsuitable for a Christmas tale. May responded by taking Denver Gillen, a friend from Montgomery Ward’s art department, to the Lincoln Park Zoo to sketch some deer. Gillen’s illustrations of a red-nosed reindeer overcame the hesitancy of May’s superiors, and the Rudolph story was approved. Montgomery Ward distributed 2.4 million copies of the Rudolph booklet in 1939, and although wartime paper shortages curtailed printing for the next several years, a total of 6 million copies had been distributed by the end of 1946.

The post-war demand for licensing the Rudolph character was tremendous, but since May had created the story on a “work made for hire” basis as an employee of Montgomery Ward, that company held the copyright to Rudolph, and May received no royalties for his creation. Deeply in debt from the medical bills resulting from his wife’s terminal illness (she died about the time May created Rudolph), May persuaded Montgomery Ward’s corporate president, Sewell Avery, to turn the copyright over to him in January 1947, and with the rights to his creation in hand, May’s financial security was assured. (Unlike Santa Claus and other familiar Christmas figures of the time, the Rudolph character was a protected trademark that required licensing and the payment of royalties for commercial use.)
“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” was reprinted commercially beginning in 1947 and shown in theaters as a nine-minute cartoon the following year, but the Rudolph phenomenon  really took off when May’s brother-in-law, songwriter Johnny Marks, developed the lyrics and melody for a Rudolph song.

Book coverMarks’ musical version of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” (turned down by many in the music industry who didn’t want to meddle with the established Santa legend) was recorded by cowboy crooner Gene Autry in 1949, sold two million copies that year, and went on to become one of the best-selling songs of all time (second only to “White Christmas”). A stop-action television special about Rudolph produced by Rankin/Bass and narrated by Burl Ives was first aired in 1964 and remains a popular perennial holiday favorite in the U.S.

May quit his copywriting job in 1951 and spent seven years managing the Rudolph franchise his creation had spawned before returning to Montgomery Ward, where he worked until his retirement in 1971. May died in 1976, comfortable in the life his reindeer creation had provided for him.

The story of Rudolph is primarily known to us through the lyrics of Johnny Marks’ song (which provides only the barest outlines of Rudolph’s story) and the 1964 television special. The story Robert May wrote is substantially different from both of them in a number of ways.

Rudolph was neither one of Santa’s reindeer nor the offspring of one of Santa’s reindeer, and he did not live at the North Pole. Rudolph dwelled in an “ordinary” reindeer village elsewhere, and although he was taunted and laughed at for having a shiny red nose, he was not regarded by his parents as a shameful embarrassment; Rudolph was brought up in a loving household and was a responsible reindeer with a good self-image and sense of worth. Moreover, Rudolph also did not rise to fame when Santa picked him out from a reindeer herd because of his shiny nose; instead, Santa discovered the red-nosed reindeer quite by accident, when he noticed the glow emanating from Rudolph’s room while he was delivering presents to Rudolph’s house. Worried that the thickening fog that night (already the cause of several accidents and delays) would keep him from completing his Christmas Eve rounds, Santa tapped Rudolph to lead his team, which the young reindeer agreed to do, after first stopping to complete one last task: leaving behind a note for his mother and father.

As Ronald Lankford noted in his cultural history of American Christmas songs, Rudolph’s story was a classic reflection of American values during the 1940s and beyond:

Much like the modern Santa Claus song, Rudolph’s story is for children; more specifically, it is a children’s story about overcoming adversity and earning, by personal effort, respect in the adult world. As a young deer (child) with a handicap that turns out to be an unrecognized asset, Rudolph comes to the rescue of an adult (Santa) at the last minute (on Christmas Eve). When Rudolph saves the day, he gains respect from both his peers (the reindeer who refused to include him in games) and the adult world. The story of Rudolph, then, is the fantasy story made to order for American children: each child has the need to express and receive approval for his or her individuality and/or special qualities. Rudolph’s story embodies the American Dream for the child, written large because of the cultural significance of Christmas.

Grandma Got Molested At The Airport

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The music from Today’s issue can be downloaded as MP3s here.

http://www.zippyshare.com/sites/priv/fileManager.jsp#

The songs are in a compressed file. You’ll need to be able to download it and decompress it your self using a program such as WinRar or 7Zip to access the MP3s.

DO NOT ASK FOR TECHNICAL SUPPORT HELP FROM US!

Those who do will get a decidedly naughty reply full of attitude from Marine Gunnery Sargent Grinch!

In addition I will remove the music downloads the next issue.

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Posted in Uncategorized | 7 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1415


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The snow is falling steadily as you head for the campgrounds where Dragon Laffs is presented every Saturday.  Thinking back, you don’t ever remember it being cold behind the mountain like it is this year.  The only time it was ever snowing was during the annual ski trip and the winter festival.  But, you also remember that although there was snow on the ground, and the snow was certainly cold as snow is wont to be, the air was always springtime warm and the sun always shined, even when it was snowing.

This year seemed different… more normal.  Laughing to yourself you think: What’s “normal” like around THIS place?

As you round the mountain and approach the campground you see an amazing sight rising from the horizon.  A huge ice palace where the campground normally sits.  You immediately recognize it as Gustav Grave’s Icelandic Ice Palace in Die Another Dayclip_image002 

Cars and vehicles of all kinds are being parked by fairies, dwarves and other creatures.  Instead of gun emplacements around the facility, you can see many of the staff frolicking in the snow, making snowmen, snow angels, having snowball fights.  It’s pandemonium, but it all looks like so much fun you can’t help but jump out of your vehicle and join in the fun.

As you exit your vehicle, an ogre grabs your car from each side and with a two-step launch, sends your car sliding down the ice to another ogre who stops it and gently places it in a parking space.  As you watch, a pickup truck slides towards the second ogre, who gracefully stops it and places it in its own spot.  You recognize the ice flow from the movie and realize the ogres are sliding the vehicles along the ice to each other.  It’s the strangest valet parking you’ve ever seen.

After getting pelted several times by snowballs, making your own snow angel and pelting others yourself, you look over and spy the lovely Giacinta “Jinx” Johnson building a snow dragon with Diaman and Ginny.  clip_image003
Just as you are pretty sure that it really is Halle Berry with the two iconic female figures of the DL&LL community, Impish steps out the front entrance to the palace and announces in a loud voice:

Good Morning and Welcome my fellow campers!  It’s warm inside and today’s issue is about to begin.  If you’d all like to finish up what you are doing and head …

Finally having spotted the snow dragon the girls are putting the final touches on, he continues:

Ah…finish up what you are doing and …. That looks NOTHING like me!  It’s all wrong!  It’s …

The poor blue dragon is suddenly pelted by hundreds of snowballs coming from all directions at once.  It is a veritable rainstorm of snowballs.  All hitting with amazing accuracy.  He is driven back inside the clip_image005palace doors and out of sight and the snowballs stop as magically as they started.  You over hear someone say something about Lethal’s magical anti-whining dancing snowballs from hell and as you wonder about the anomaly of a snowball’s chance in hell, our blue hero pokes just his head out the front door and says:

And another thing….

When a much larger snowball hits him right smack on the nose, completely covering his face.  As the dragon sputters, shakes his head to clear the snow, he announces quickly:

The-issue-is-ready-come-on-in-where-it’s-warm!

And whirls around so quick to get back inside that he slips and lands face first on the porch with a huge THUD!  Well, sadly for our hero, that THUD! sets off a vibration that loosens a huge pile of snow from the eaves of the roof that falls and completely covers the dragon in a huge snow drift, blocking the entrance to the palace.

A hidden door suddenly pops open to the left of the main entrance and Ginny and Diaman are standing there holding the door open and signal everyone to come in that way while the huge snow drift heaves up and down seriously hindering the trapped dragon from escaping.

As you enter the palace, the warmth immediately embraces you and you again, give off your hats and coats to the fairies who are buzzing around for that purpose.  Each coat, hat and scarf disappears as soon as you give them over and no coat check slip is given in return.  But, remembering last week when the same thing happened and all your garments were returned, without harm, you’re not concerned with this bit of magic.

As you enter the main ballroom, you can see that it has been arranged with round tables spread throughout the room.  There is a roped off section up towards the front of the stage with little place cards at each table.  The tables are set with white table cloths, linen napkins, fine china and a scrumptious looking breakfast being served by scantily clad Fae folk.  The males are serving the females and the visa versa.  There is a lot of giggling and flirting going on.

The back, un-roped off section consists of fiberglass tables and booths and in the back of the room there is a McDougal’s Franchise doing business with microwaved breakfast sandwiches and bad coffee.  An empty paper napkin dispenser sits beside an empty sugar and creamer.

Oh the benefits of being a paying patron of the arts, you think to yourself as a gorgeous Fae creature tucks a linen napkin suggestively across your front and you order your breakfast of a Belgian Waffle, two eggs over easy, sausage patties, hash browns and toast.  Pitchers of hot coffee, several kinds of juices and all the normal condiments for breakfast are available on the table.  As you begin to tuck in, Impish appears on the stage, looking non-the-worse for wear and says:

Good Morning Campers,

I hope you’ve enjoyed your morning so far, there’s much, much more to see and do.  Please feel free to enjoy today’s issue and then mosey around the palace and see the sights, drive the cars, shoot the bad guys…with snowball guns, of course and just have a wonderful time.

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The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

​A​fter all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her.

The man said “You can’t be serious.  I could never shoot my wife”.

The agent said, “Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home”.

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man​ came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes, so take your wife and go home​”​

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions: to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming,  crashing, and banging on the walls.  After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

“The gun was loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to kill him with the chair​.”​

 

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Thanks to Ginny for this video on Dogs that DON’T Fetch

 

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Great workout Diaman, now let’s rest.

 

Dragon Rant2

Okay, just a short little rant to throw the bullshit flag.  The article was titled SHARPTON: BLACKS CAN’T ACT DECENTLY WITHOUT MORE GOVERNMENT PAYOUTS.  it goes on to say that the asshat Sharpton went on Meet the Press and said that You can’t kill a jobs bill and infrastructure and then tell men to take care of their families. You can’t have it both ways.  I can change the title of this article and make it a true statement by changing only one word:  See if you can catch it.  SHARPTON: BLACKS WON’T ACT DECENTLY WITHOUT MORE GOVERNMENT PAYOUTS.

This is pure bullshit.  What you’re saying is that they won’t act with the basic level of human decency because we aren’t paying them enough?  Really?  REALLY!  Like the author of the article said: But this sort of moral blackmail – the notion that black men cannot be expected to obey the dictates of fundamental morality without government support — has become commonplace among members of the left.

You want more of my money to act like a decent human being?  Like paying a terrorist to not behead my brother or my son?  What the hell is the difference between this attitude and terrorism?

Well, to each and every one of you who think that way, that you want to extort my money so you don’t burn down my house or my place of business, all I can say is:  give it your best shot asshat. 

Remember this one thing about dragons:

Don't fuck with me

 

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A golf joke from my dad.  Papa Dragon Most Senior:

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.  Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”


He thanked her and went back to his golf.5


On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.


She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.”


Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.  He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.


He approached her and! said,  “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales, also. What do you sell?”

She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.”

“No, I  won’t.”

“Well, if you must know,”  she answered, “I work for Tampax.”

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.


She said, “See I knew you  would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a salesman for Preparation H, so I’m still a hole behind you!

 

How about a few more of those GIFs that everyone liked last week?

PUBLISHED by catsmob.com

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Ouch!  That’s gonna leave a mark!

 

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As a former High School Wrestler, I gotta say, that’s one hell of a move!

Oh and don’t worry…there’ll be more GIFs sprinkled throughout the issue.

 

 

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Okay, I’m really sorry.  That was absolutely awful!

 

Okay, for any of you, like me, who get intimidated over wrapping presents…this is bloody amazing!

Thanks to the Owl for that last one and this next one:
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Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them he’d grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.

Katie Couric said, “Well, I’m a Southerner, so I’d like one last plate of fried chicken.” The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, “I can die content.”

Charlie Gibson said, “I’m living in New York , so I’d like to hear the song, The Moon and Me, one last time.” The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song. Gibson was satisfied.

Brian Williams said, “I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.” The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments. He then said, “Now I can die happy.”

The leader turned and asked, “And now, Mr. U. S. Marine, what is your final wish? “Kick me in the ass,” said the Marine… “What?’ asked the leader, ‘Will you mock us in your last hour?”
“No, I’m NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,” insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he had taken from a dead terrorist, sprayed the rest of the terrorists, killing another 11. In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine stood before Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?”

“What?” replied the Marine, “and have you three liberal assholes report that I was the aggressor…..?”

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I love Christmas lights! They remind me of

the people who voted for Obama.

They all hang together, half of them don’t work, and the ones that do, aren’t all that bright.

 

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When you really have that mechanic’s gene, it shows itself really early.

 

This is so cool.  Taking dancing holiday lights to the next level.  Not only is this my favorite song to do lights to, this is….well….you’ll just have to see it to believe it!

 

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Dear Santa

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Okay, so I really don’t have a clue WHAT the heck is going on in this one…

 

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Posted in Uncategorized | 7 Comments

Leprechaun Laughs for Wednesday 12/10/2014


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As you enter the Conference room you once again find Lethal conspicuously absent and his iLethals and CyberLethals filling in for him. The video screen is part way down and displaying this sign:

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and a hastily added post script in Lethal handwriting:

Yo Impish-

Right after I hit the ‘Submit Exam’ button for the final time I’m going to need to blow off some serious steam. I’m talking Mount St Helen’s levels of steam here. You’d better have plenty of the 4 B’s (Beer, Booze, Babes and BBQ) standing by.  You’ve got 4 maybe 6 hours to get ready.

Thanks

Lethal

Opening Logo 16

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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“In honor of this holy season” Saint Peter said,  “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle”, he said.
“You may pass through the pearly gates” Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”
Saint Peter said “You may pass through the pearly gates”.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and  finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and  asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”
The man replied, “These are Carols.”

Bellame Brothers- Old Hippie Christmas

For all you aging hippies!

 

Diaman suggest that I might be addicted to coffee as she felt I hit all the following marks. You’ll find my rebuttal and/or confession at the end.

15 Signs You Love Coffee Just a Bit Too Much.

Funny Ways to Spot a Coffee Addict.

Some people don’t like coffee but if you’re anything like me, you need a good cup of joe to start your day, and a second one to help you finish it. Some people are even more dependent on coffee, and for them it’s an obsession and even a way of life. With these signs you’ll be able to tell if you, or your friends, really are crazy about coffee…

1) The first thing that comes to your mind in the morning is how to get your coffee.

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2) And when you yawn, everyone knows what to do.

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3) Everyone can tell if you had your morning’s cup of coffee yet.

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4) And everyone knows how to handle you when you drink it.

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5) You define Your love life with coffee.

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6) But you should never be asked to hold your word about it.

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7) You display your mug collection like a work of art.


8) You think it gives you super powers.

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9) When it really just gives you Illusions.

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10) And still you can’t work without it.


11) You are willing to try coffee in new bizarre ways.

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12) And if it was possible you would even take an energizing coffee bath.

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13) But it’s still something you don’t take lightly.

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14) This Your Monday shirt.

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15) And this is your philosophy for life.

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OK, for the record and in order presented:

1.) No. Generally its 3rd or 4th on the list. Priorities usually run glasses, head call, pants, coffee.

2.) Yes but only until about 2-3 PM. I have to stop usually after that or be up all night.

3 – 6). Guilty. Molly knows I can to the brain thing before I have coffee in hand and don’t do it well until after at least ingesting 1/2 a cup.

     I have the plaque about Loving Molly more than coffee but begging not to prove it. She bought it for me.

7.) NEVER! My mugs (there are 4, two house and two travel) are MINE. Display them and some idiot will think its ok to use them!

8.) In so much as God invented whiskey and gave the recipe to the Irish along with a thirst for it to prevent us from taking over the world…YES, it combats the whiskey effects.

9.)  Nope. In as much as I’m a Marine I already harbor unrealistic expectations but make them a reality on a consistent basis. Coffee is just ‘achievement lubricant’.

10.) Too bloody right, subject to #2 above.

11-12.) Generally not. I view it as coffee abuse and a waste of coffee respectively. There are a few exceptions, some cold coffee drinks, coffee ice cream (and gelato !),  coffee crème filled dark chocolate truffles, Coffee cookies. For a while I used to be able to get something like a Dove Bar with Coffee Ice Cream flecked with Espresso bean bits and covered in dark chocolate. They were about $3 each but practically orgasmic. While I have been know to occasionally use caffeinated soap, the caffeine in it has been artificially created and not derived from coffee.

13.) Too bloody right!

14.) Nope, that’s every day not just Monday, though arguably Monday might be a double mug straight away situation.

15.) Sort of, its Whiskey, Beer or Ale however not wine.

Idina Menzel & Michael Bublé – Baby It’s Cold Outside

 

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I have always questioned if Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton were really preachers, since they have no church.

When I heard Al Sharpton was guest preacher at a black Church, I decided to check him out in person and see what it was all about………

I sat down and Sharpton came up to me,  I don’t know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the Church.

He laid his hands on my head and said: “By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today.”

I told him I was not paralyzed.

He came back and laid his hands on me again, and repeated the same thing:

“By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today.”

Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.

After the sermon I stepped outside and lo and behold, my car had been stolen!

KNEW I should have never gone to Ferguson! Speaking of which….

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THAT is the REAL message out of Ferguson. Ferguson’s Black Community thinks  not only are they above being held accountable for their crimes but that they have a right to physically threaten police officers and expect them to back down. Unfortunately the point of view is not limited to just Ferguson but endemic to all black communities.

Now here is my message. Would that I could take credit for it, but it was actually a letter sent to the Editor of my hometown newspaper which I couldn’t have said better myself.

The president and our attorney general owe the American people an apology for their intrusion into the crisis in Ferguson.

While saying that violence could not be condoned; they both subtlety suggested that they “understood the feeling” given the conditions in Ferguson in spite of the Grand Jury investigation.

They are both lawyers, members of the bar, and officers of the court in spite of their political positions, knowing full well that nothing in our criminal law system trumps a Grand Jury in spite of the strong feelings of the crowd. To undermine the spirit of a Grand Jury goes against the very foundation of our criminal justice system and should never be done and shows a complete lack of gravitas.

Oh, believe it or not, the author is a Democrat.

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O Come, Emmanuel – Christmas Version – ThePianoGuys

Told you I’d have another present for you big guy!

 

There ya go Impish there is another one for ya pal!

A woman named Jill stood up at her church’s Testimony Meeting,  or as some churches call it, “Cry Sunday”, one Sunday morning,  took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation:

“I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month.

He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree.  He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died,  but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum.”

The congregation gasped in horror.

The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.

“Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident.

He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food.

He can hardly lift anything, he’s in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it.

He can’t lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need.

  Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations.

He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion.

I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new.”
A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in,  and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that,  “there but for the grace of God go I.”

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation,
worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain,  adjusted the microphone to his liking,
then leaned over and said to the congregation:

“My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill.

That word is: STERNUM!”

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This week we’re talking one of the key players in any party’s successful spread of noshes, namely dips. Here are three that are sure to stand out amid the store bought Ranch and French Onion dips.

New Orleans Barbecue Shrimp Dip

Make this ahead then just slip it in your oven or your hosts oven to finish before serving.

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Total Time: 5 hr
Prep: 15 min
Inactive: 4 hr 30 min
Cook: 15 min
Yield: 8 to 10 servings
Level: Easy

Ingredients

8 tablespoons (1 stick) unsalted butter
1/4 cup chili sauce
1/4 cup fresh lemon juice
5 cloves garlic, smashed
2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
1 teaspoon cayenne
1 teaspoon dried oregano
1 teaspoon paprika
1/2 teaspoon hot sauce
1 1/4 pounds peeled and deveined large shrimp, tails removed
4 ounces cream cheese, at room temperature
1/2 cup sour cream
3 scallions, white and green parts separated and thinly sliced
1/2 cup loosely packed fresh parsley leaves, chopped
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
Crackers and crunchy rustic bread for serving

Special equipment: 5-cup broiler-safe casserole dish

 

Directions

Special equipment: 5-cup broiler-safe casserole dish
Melt 4 tablespoons of the butter in a large skillet over medium heat. Whisk in the chili sauce, lemon juice, garlic, Worcestershire, cayenne, oregano, paprika and hot sauce. Bring to a low simmer and cook, stirring frequently, until slightly reduced, about 5 minutes. Add the shrimp and cook until they are pink and just cooked through, flipping once, 4 to 5 minutes. Remove from the heat and let cool.
When cool, place the shrimp mixture in a food processor and pulse until roughly chopped. (The shrimp mixture can be made up to a day in advance and refrigerated.)
Combine the cream cheese and sour cream in a large bowl and stir vigorously with a rubber spatula until smooth. Add the shrimp mixture, scallion whites, parsley, 1 1/4 teaspoons salt and a few grinds of pepper and stir to combine. Place in a 5-cup broiler-safe casserole dish and spread evenly.
Melt the remaining 4 tablespoons of butter and pour over the top of the shrimp dip, making sure to cover the entire surface with a thin layer of butter. Sprinkle with the scallion greens. Chill for at least 4 hours and up to overnight.
Just before serving, position an oven rack in the top third of the oven and preheat the broiler. Broil the dip until the butter layer just begins to melt. Serve with the crackers and crunchy bread.

Layered Crab Rangoon Dip

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Total Time: 20 min
Prep: 20 min
Yield: 10 to 12
Level: Easy

Ingredients

Two 8-ounce packages cream cheese, at room temperature
1/3 cup milk
1 pound fresh lump or jumbo lump crabmeat
One 8-ounce can whole water chestnuts, drained and chopped
3 tablespoons hot Chinese mustard
1 red onion, finely chopped
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
1 tablespoon low-sodium soy sauce
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
1/2 cup sweet-and-sour sauce
1 small romaine heart, thinly shredded
1 bunch scallions, thinly sliced
1 cup loosely-packed fresh cilantro leaves, chopped
Fried wonton skins, shrimp chips or rice crackers, for serving

Directions

Beat together the cream cheese and milk in a large bowl with an electric mixer until smooth, about 2 minutes.
Combine the crabmeat, water chestnuts, mustard, onion, Worcestershire, soy sauce, lemon juice, 1/2 teaspoon salt and a few grinds of pepper in a medium bowl and toss gently to combine.
Spread out the cream cheese mixture in an even layer in a 9- by 13-inch baking dish. Spread the sweet-and-sour sauce on top, leaving about a 1-inch border of cream cheese all around. Spoon the crab mixture on top of the sweet-and-sour sauce. The dip can be prepared up to this point and refrigerated, covered, overnight.
Just before serving, scatter the lettuce, scallions and cilantro over the crab, leaving a 1-inch border all around. Serve with wonton skins, shrimp chips or rice crackers.

Pita chips and unflavored tortilla chips also work well and Molly likes this with Triscuits. Though I have not tried it yet I see no reason why it would not be good on bruschetta as well.

Buffalo Chicken Dip

This has all the great flavors of Buffalo chicken wings without all the fat of the chicken skin and oil. Want to make it lighter? Feel free to use light cream cheese.

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Total Time: 35 min
Prep: 10 min
Cook: 25 min
Yield: 6 to 8 servings
Level: Easy

Ingredients

8 ounces cream cheese
1/2 cup finely chopped celery
1/2 cup hot sauce (recommended: Frank’s)
1 rotisserie chicken, shredded
1 cup crumbled blue cheese
Crackers, bread or carrot sticks, for serving

Directions

Preheat the oven to 425 degrees F.
In a medium saucepan over moderate heat, melt the cream cheese until smooth, about 3 minutes. Add the celery, hot sauce and chicken and mix well. Transfer the mixture to a 9-inch pie plate and sprinkle the crumbled blue cheese on top. Bake until hot and bubbly, about 25 minutes. Serve with crackers, pita chips or carrot sticks.

The reason I recommend using Frank’s Hot Sauce for this are several;

a.) that’s what was originally used to make the first buffalo wings.

b.) It is make with Cayenne peppers not Tabasco peppers so the heat is milder, more even and not so up front which means more people with enjoy this.

c.) Many sauces use a lot of vinegar. The acid in the vinegar pulls the capsaicin oil out of the hot peppers. Franks uses a limited amount. In cooking and certain other situations such as BBQ sauce the vinegar might be a welcome component or be cooked out. However when using a 1/2 a cup of hot sauce in a dip its going to stand right out and overpower

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Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Balls

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Total Time: 1 hr 15 min
Prep: 10 min
Inactive: 1 hr
Cook: 5 min
Yield: 3 to 4 dozen balls
Level: Easy

Ingredients

Cookie Dough Balls:

2/3 cup (1 1/3 sticks) butter, at room temperature
3/4 cup granulated sugar
1/4 cup dark brown sugar, packed
1/4 cup applesauce
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon fine salt
1 cup mini semisweet chocolate chips

Dipping Chocolate:

12 ounces dark chocolate wafers or semisweet chocolate chips
6 blocks chocolate-almond bark, such as CandyQuik

Directions

For the cookie dough balls: In an electric mixer, beat the butter, granulated sugar, brown sugar, applesauce and vanilla together until smooth. Sift the flour, baking soda and salt together, and with the mixer running, slowly add to the butter mixture. Mix in the chocolate chips. Scoop out the batter using a mini ice cream scoop and roll it into balls. Place the dough balls about an inch apart on a baking sheet lined with wax paper and transfer them to the freezer for 30 minutes to let the dough set up.
For the dipping chocolate: While the dough is chilling, melt the chocolate wafers and chocolate-almond bark together in a heavy-bottomed saucepan over low heat, stirring constantly. Remove the chilled dough balls from the freezer. Using two spoons, dip the balls one at a time in the melted chocolate, rolling them to coat fully. Returned the dough balls to the wax paper-lined baking sheet and refrigerate until set, about 30 minutes. Store in the fridge for up to 2 weeks.

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The Top 5 Things Overheard During Black Friday Sales

5.) “Let go of that waffle iron, bitch! Oh!, sorry, Mom.”

4.) “Screw it; I’m sending in my drone to nab an Xbox One.”

3.) “Man, this is nothing compared to the deals I got when I was hitting the stores in  Ferguson last week —- those were a total STEAL!”

2.) “Free concealer with every black eye!”

And the Number One Thing Overheard During Black Friday Sales…

1.) “It’s too dangerous here at the mall. I’m deploying back to Afghanistan.”

Copyright © 1994–2013 Chris White
 

Angels We Have Heard On High – Pentatonix

 

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The music from Today’s issue can be downloaded as MP3s here.

http://www11.zippyshare.com/v/95772342/file.html

The songs are in a compressed file. You’ll need to be able to download it and decompress it your self using a program such as WinRar or 7Zip to access the MP3s.

DO NOT ASK FOR TECHNICAL SUPPORT HELP FROM US!

Those who do will get a decidedly naughty reply full of attitude from Marine Gunnery Sargent Grinch!

In addition I will remove the music downloads the next issue.

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You’re Shit Outta Luck, Virginia

by Chris White

“Is there really a Santa Claus?”

imageIt’s the holiday season question posed by every child at some point. Once a kid has gotten old enough to develop a healthy sense of skepticism, the whole Santa Claus story seems a tad suspicious. Even more fishy: No reputable journalist had EVER attempted a thorough investigation of this red-suited charlatan. Until I did, that is. I recently decided the time had come to poke around the North Pole and see if this Santa scenario held water. Or egg nog, in this case.

I started by carefully considering what we think we know about this mysterious gift-bringer, apart from his expert-level breaking and entering skills. According to Wikipedia, he is “a fantasy figure with legendary, mythical, historical and folkloric origins.” Then again, that describes other figures whose existence is equally questionable, such as the Easter Bunny, the tooth fairy, unicorns and honest members of Congress.

We know that this Santa Claus character operates under various pseudonyms: Father Christmas, Saint Nicholas and Kris Kringle. In many parts of the world, he is said to bring gifts to good children between midnight Christmas Eve and dawn on Christmas morning. I suppose it’s merely coincidence that the Dutch mythological figure Sinterklaas also leaves presents for children — though Sinterklaas leaves candy or Mandarin oranges in the shoes of the kids. Try leaving an orange as the sole gift for an American kid and you’ll wind up the subject of a lawsuit faster than you can say “breach of promise.” I have a theory that little Charlie Manson never got over finding an orange under the tree on Christmas morning instead of the G.I. Joe he’d asked for, and the rest is history.

British folklore character Father Christmas is another Santa clone, though Father Christmas wears green, rides a goat and brings alcohol, and to be honest, that describes half the participants in a St. Patrick’s Day parade. Italy actually has a witch, La Befana, who comes down the chimney and brings gifts. Talk about potential for scarring little psyches: the person responsible for judging young Luigi’s behavior and dropping off his loot has a sour, twisted, evil face and cackles like a maniac. I’ll lay even money no one has ever seen La Befana and Ann Coulter in the same room.

Here in the states, Santa Claus is generally depicted as a joyous, rotund man with a flowing white beard, a red velvet outfit with white trim and a black leather belt and matching boots. He loves all children and carries around a large sack filled with toys for them. Remove the beard and add a little clown makeup and you’ve just described John Wayne Gacy.

So this questionable Santa character supposedly spends most of the year making a list of children, categorized by behavior. The “nice” kids are given toys and candy and the “naughty” ones get coal (presumably “clean” coal, so as to neatly sidestep any EPA regulations). His many accomplices in this endeavor include toy-making elves and flying reindeer — which also happen to be (along with the incessantly babbling ghost of Jim Morrison) the most common hallucinations experienced during LSD trips.

We’re expected to believe that Santa’s North Pole workshop employs tiny pointy-eared humanoids, who happily work 24/7 so that rich little 6-year-old Tyler Worthmore III of Greenwich, CT, can find a working mini-Ferrari with a 5-horsepower motor parked under his tree come Christmas morning. And that Santa’s delivery system of choice is not FedEx, but a team of hooved marauders who somehow manage to land on the roofs of hundreds of millions of houses without dislodging a single DirectTV satellite dish. With nary a criminal trespassing charge filed, to boot. Does that sound plausible to you?

Okay, now we’re getting somewhere.

Let’s take a closer look at that Elven sweatshop run by Mr. Claus. The working conditions there are bound to be deplorable, but strangely, not a single complaint has ever been filed with OSHA. Management positions are non-existent, too. Sure, there’s a Head Elf, but that’s less a job title than a description of the manner in which the poor little schmuck is expected to service the jolly fat man.

Every December, kids take out pen and paper and write letters to Santa, detailing the gifts they’d like to receive. At least most kids do. My mom had me rip pictures out of the Sears catalog and send them to Santa. I’m convinced Santa stopped bringing me presents because he thinks I’m an illiterate, lazy turd with horrendous taste in department stores.

On Christmas Eve, children traditionally leave Santa a glass of milk and a plate of cookies. In Britain and Australia, he is often given sherry or beer and mince pies, while in Sweden and Norway, children leave rice porridge. In Ireland, it’s Guinness or milk, along with Christmas pudding. Jesus, no wonder the guy is overweight. He outsources all the manual labor to his North Pole leprechauns 364 days a year, then on the one day he actually gets off his fat ass and does some work, he replaces every calorie he spends by stuffing his face with 1000 more.

You’d think Christian leaders would denounce Santa Fraud, but oddly, most of them simply look the other way as he steals Jesus’s birthday. Not all, though: The Calvinists hated the very thought of Santa Claus. Then again, it’s hard to take seriously the rants of people who base their entire faith on a cartoon child with a stuffed tiger.

At one point, my investigation was getting nowhere and I realized it would be necessary to find this Mr. Claus and talk to him in person, face to face. Since his North Pole compound is mysteriously hidden, I chose to intercept him at one of his many hideouts: department stores and malls. That’s right, like many mob bosses, Santa hides in plain sight, idly passing the time talking to children who wait hours to sit in his lap and either gush about the presents they want or scream bloody murder until an embarrassed parent snatches them away and stammers an apology. I recall one such episode from my own childhood, when I, seated in the lap of a particularly obese Santa, whispered into his ear: “My daddy says you’re not REALLY Santa.” He smiled his benevolent smile and said, “Ho, ho, ho! I hear he’s not REALLY your daddy!”

So I decided I’d approach this jerk at Christmas Ground Zero: Macy’s in New York City. Every year, he arrives at the store by sleigh on the last float of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and proceeds to take over an entire floor of the store. Day after day, I waited patiently in line, only to be unceremoniously evicted from the premises every time by security guards long before I could get a single answer out of that fat asswipe.

In fact, the thousands of calls I’ve made to department stores and malls in an attempt to arrange an interview with Santa have resulted only in a stack of cease-and-desist letters from lawyers with surnames ending in -berg and -stein. Why would Jewish people feel the need to protect someone who ignores their children every December 25th? My theory: Santa Claus is an evil man who strikes fear in the hearts of everyone who crosses his path.

So to answer your question, Virginia… Yes, there is indeed a Santa Claus. But he’s one shady, shady character. You’d be better off placing your hopes for holiday joy on some other rotund, kind-hearted person who has a reputation for bestowing gifts on people. Like Oprah Winfrey.

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Dragon Laffs #1414


Dragon Laffs 35

Trudging through the snow, you wonder if you are still supposed to meet in the normal campground for today’s issue of Dragon Laffs.  You haven’t received any notification of any changes, but still.  It’s awfully cold out here behind the mountain that is DL&LL Electronic Media.

As you come over the hill you see a huge tent spread out across the campground.  Looking closely you realize it covers the entire campground.  Cabins, tents, cabanas, everything.  Smoke is exiting from several chimneys poking up through the canvas and you wonder how it is that this monstrosity even exits.

As you approach the entrance, you see a line forming and hurry to take your spot.  As you enter, several fairiesdragsmile2 are flitting around taking coats, hats, scarves and gloves.  A huge coat check area is going off in one direction and all the people are funneling into the other.  You notice the temperature is perfectly comfortable and as you enter you look up and it appears to be the sky over your head with the sun shinning brightly.

As you realize that no one gave you a receipt for your wrappings you also remember that magic is alive and well in this part of the world and you hurry your seat to see what else surprising is going to presented this morning.

More fairies are flying around, checking guiding people to their seats and you notice that they seem to be splitting people into those who have special status and those who don’t without really checking any lists or guides of any kind.

As you settle into your seat the lights dim…more like the sun setting … and a screen scrolls down by the stage that seems to rise up from the floor.  The screen lights up and you can see Impish Dragon in the hot tub with Diaman beside him.

Good Morning Campers,

As you can see, I’m currently taking a line out of Lethal’s playbook and coming to you this morning from an undisclosed location.  Those of you who have permission to travel around parts of the mountain may recognize the hot tub by the new pool.  (Thank you very much Ginny for the early Christmas present!)  Sadly, I’m otherwise engaged until sometime on Monday, so I can’t attend to you in person, but I assure you, I’m in capable hands.

Please take this time to enjoy the issue in the warmth of the magical tent.

As the screen dims and the lights begin to rise, you hear a very female giggle come from the speakers.

Please enjoy the issue…while I enjoy other enticements.

Now,

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This is absolutely incredible!  The physical ability of these performers is amazing!

 

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[Editor’s Note: I know that Lethal printed this joke in his last issue, but since I really like my rendition better, I thought I’d give it to you again…MY Way!]

Many people over the years has asked me how Lethal Leprechaun has gotten so rich.  And knowing that I’ve known him for so long, they just naturally ask me, I guess so they can find a way to get rich themselves.  I often tell this story of about him that shows you that, even though he is rich, he is ALWAYS working on ways to improve his financial situation.  If he thinks of a plan, he tries it out to see how it works.  Here’s the story:

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of Lethal Leprechaun’s favorite Irish pub.  Lethal stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggling it up and down in the water.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

“Fishing,” replied the Leprechaun.

“Poor old fool,” thought the gentleman, so he invited Lethal to have a drink at the Pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, “And how many have you caught?”

Lethal smiles and says, “You’re the eighth.”

 

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There’s been a lot of that going on lately. 

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I finally got a video of one of Lethal’s Ninja Kitties in action.  You have to see this to believe it.  If it wasn’t for the camera, no one would’ve even known that the kitty was involved.

Now that’s a cat worthy of the Ninja Kitty status.

 

 

A professor at The Ohio State University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here believe in ghosts?”
About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well, that’s a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?”
About 40 students raise their hands.
“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”
About 15 students raise their hand.
“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”
Three students raise their hands.
“That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further…Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”
Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, “So, Hamad , tell us what it’s like to have sex with a
ghost?”
Hamad replied, “Sh*t, from way back there I thought you said goats.”

 

4c

Now, as some of you may know, Papa Dragon Most Senior is a Floridian and he swears that they wouldn’t be caught dead with white socks and flip-flops.  He says that EVERYONE knows you wear dark socks with flip-flops and white socks with sandals.

 

 

4d

I’ve done this with Lethal Leprechaun and I have to tell you, it’s not as effective as this picture tries to make it seems.  I know with Lethal, it takes at least 4 drinks…and even then he can manage to hit me with that damn stick of his.

 

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Someone snapped this photo of one of our receptionists in the ladies room after the last Renaissance Fair we had.  She’d had just a wee bit too much mead.  I love the mural on the wall in their restroom, but the blue tile really needs to go.

Poor girl.

 

4f

Amen Charlie.  The Lame Stream Media is so busy making the news that they don’t have time to report it any more.  What a horrible downfall for a once honorable profession.

 

4Looting

Do I really need to say anything at all about this picture?

9o

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Not sure how the second one is done, but is sure is cool looking.  LOL!

 

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A man walks into a bar with…

We interrupt this joke to bring you this special …

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This should probably be saved for the Last Word, but I just read it and it pissed me off so you’re getting it now.

I read this article…

Reports: Obama Mulling Sanctions on Israel

White House, State Department refuse to confirm or deny

Here’s the link to the whole article… http://freebeacon.com/national-security/reports-obama-mulling-sanctions-on-israel/  but the gist of the article is that the White House is considering sanctions against Israel (undoubtedly our staunchest ally in the Middle East) for building houses for Jews, in the contended area of the of East Jerusalem.   At the exact same time, the White House is vigorously pushing Congress to NOT impose sanctions on Iran who are trying to build a NUCLEAR BOMB! 

Are you kidding me???  We’re going to get pissy about people building houses and defend those that are trying to build a device to potentially kill thousands or even millions of people.

Does nobody else see what’s wrong with this administration?  The same administration that is going to denounce the lawful killing of a black punk who beat the crap out of a white law officer, but say nothing at all about the exact same thing that where the only difference was the color of the skin?

The same administration that is doing its damnedest to release terrorists from Gitmo who did their very best to destroy our country and will do so again as soon as they get out?

Maybe a better question is WTF is wrong with US?

I know return you to your joke that is currently in progress.

…start anything.

 

4h

With this load, you get them no matter what.  No more wondering what happens if they survive.

 

1

Guarranteed Delivery

Guess What

Guess

Guess2

Guess3

Guinea Pigs

 

 

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Ouch!  This one just hurts my eyes!

 

9p

 

How about some more animated GIFs?  These are lots of fun.

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Have a wonderful rest of your weekend.

1a

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Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Leprechaun Laughs for 12/3/2014


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You walk in and see Lethal impatiently standing at the podium practically bouncing up and down in apparent eagerness to get started.

Hi-how-are-ya-good-ta-see-ya!-Take-a-load-off.-Great-bustin-at-the-seams-issue-today. Gotta-go-lots-to-do!-Finals-and-Christmas-approaching-so-lots-of-loose-ends-to tie-up.-Plus-my-busy-season-is-right-around-the-corner-might-need-to-take-a-semester-off-cause-it-looks-like-it-might-be-pretty-busy-for-a-change.

Okay-see-ya-later.-Bub-bye!

The haste of his exit causes several papers to be pulled off the podium in his wake. Impish and Diamen ,who are just entering (both some what suspiciously glowing and disheveled) attempt to stop Lethal for a word but Lethal pulls a fake out on them worthy of Emmitt Smith or Walter Payton and disappears down the hall yelling

“Sorry!-No-time-got-to-get-to-class!”

Impish looks thoughtful (a rare occurrence to be sure) for a moment, then turns to ask Diamen “You’re sure Ginny got all of the liquid Schwartz while you were distracting Lethal the last time?” She nods and winks at Impish murmuring something you cannot quite make out. Impish appears incredulous at what she said “He actually told you where he was keeping it?!” Again she nods obviously very pleased with herself. What did you say or do to induce the most stubborn mythical creature I know…and that’s saying something…to tell you?” Diamen grabs Impish by the ear and whispers in it for almost 30 seconds before flicking his ear lobe with her tongue and again winking very saucily at him. As this is occurring you see Impish’s facial expression morph from one of incredulousness to one of pure lust. He grabs Diamen up and yells as he rushes out of the room “Something very urgent just..umm popped out err… up err… that is came to my attention. Enjoy the issue!”

Let's Roll 27

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The Bellamy Brothers – Jingle Bells (A Cowboy’s Holiday)

Let’s kick this holiday season off Texas style!

 

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Coffee in St. Peter’s Square

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St.Peters Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop.  When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”

The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal.  When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says ‘Your Eminence’.”

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, “My son is the Pope.  When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well….?”

She proudly replies, “I have a daughter,

SLIM, TALL, 38D BUST,  24″ WAIST and 34″ HIPS

oh my god beauty

When she walks into a room, people say, “Oh My God.”

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His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.

“Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant.

“Aye, she spoke without interruption for about forty years,” said the Irishman.

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The holidays mean celebration. That translates into parties. Parties require eating drinking and merry making to be a success. Here are a few easy recipes that are even travel friendly

Five-Minute Fudge Wreath

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Total Time: 10 min
Prep: 5 min
Cook: 5 min
Yield: 32 servings (2 pounds)
Level: Easy

Ingredients

1 (12-ounce) bag semisweet chocolate morsels
9 ounces (3/4 of a 12-ounce bag) butterscotch morsels
1 (14-ounce) can sweetened condensed milk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 (8-ounce) can walnut halves
1/2 cup (a couple of handfuls) currants
8 -inch cake pan, lightly greased with softened butter
Candied cherries, red and green, for garnish, optional

Directions

Place a heavy pot on the stove and preheat it over low heat. Add chips and milk and stir until chips are melted and milk combined. Save the empty condensed milk can. Stir in vanilla and remove fudge from heat. Add nuts and currants and stir in immediately.
Cover empty condensed milk can with plastic food wrap and center it in the greased cake pan. Spoon fudge into pan around can, making sure to recenter can if it drifts.
The fudge will set up almost immediately. Garnish can only be added in the first minute or 2 the fudge is in the pan, so work quickly. Decorate your wreath with “holly” made from cut candied red and green cherries. A wreath left plain can be garnished with a pretty fabric bow when serving. Chill covered in the refrigerator and slice fudge very thin when ready to serve, a little goes a long way.

 

Sweet-and-Spicy Pecans

This works well with other nuts besides pecans too. Cashews, Walnuts, Peanuts or a blend of all four nuts.
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Total Time: 1 hr 20 min
Prep: 10 min
Cook: 1 hr 10 min
Yield: 4 cups nuts
Level: Easy

Ingredients

1 large egg white
2 cups unsalted pecan halves
2 cups unsalted roasted cashews
1/2 cup sugar
1 tablespoon ground cumin
3/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
Kosher salt

Directions

Preheat the oven to 250 degrees F. Beat the egg white with 1 tablespoon water in a large bowl until foamy. Add the nuts, sugar, cumin, cayenne, cinnamon and 1/2 teaspoon salt and mix well. Spread the mixture on a parchment-lined baking sheet. Bake until the nuts are mostly dry but still slightly sticky, about 40 minutes.
Remove the nuts from the oven and stir. Reduce the temperature to 200 degrees F. Return the nuts to the oven and bake until crisp, about 30 more minutes. Stir to loosen the nuts from the baking sheet; cool completely on the sheet.

 

Sausage Stuffed Mushrooms

Make these ahead then transport and finish in the hosts oven at your party. Use a disposable baking tray doubled for stiffness for transport and you don’t need to worry about getting your dish back!

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Total Time: 35 min
Prep: 10 min
Cook: 25 min
Yield: 24 large stuffed mushrooms
Level: Easy

Ingredients

1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil, one turn of the pan
24 large gourmet stuffing mushroom caps, stems removed and reserved brushed with damp towel
Salt and pepper
Stuffing:
1 1/2 teaspoons extra-virgin olive oil, half a turn of the pan
3/4 pound sweet bulk Italian sausage
4 cloves garlic, chopped
20 stems mushrooms, finely chopped
1 rib of celery and green, leafy top from the heart of the stalk, chopped
1/2 small onion, chopped
1/2 small red bell pepper, seeded and chopped
1 (10-ounce) box chopped frozen spinach, defrosted and squeezed dry
3 slices white bread, toasted and buttered, chopped into small dice
1/3 cup grated Parmigiano or Romano, 2 handfuls
Directions
Preheat oven to 500 degrees F.
Heat a large skillet over medium high heat. Add oil and mushroom caps and season caps with salt and pepper. Sauté caps 5 to 7 minutes, until they are lightly browned and tender on edges. Turn caps up and let juices drain away from caps. Transfer caps to a small nonstick baking sheet. Wipe out skillet and return to heat. Add a touch of oil and sausage to the hot skillet. Brown and crumble sausage for 3 minutes. In a food processor pulse and chop the garlic, add mushroom stems and pulse to chop the mushroom stems. Add celery, onion and red bell pepper to the mushrooms and pulse to chop. Remove mixture from the processor and sauté veggies and mushrooms over medium high heat another 3 to 5 minutes. Add dry, defrosted spinach and stir into stuffing. Add chopped bread and cheese to the pan and toss stuffing until bread is moist and stuffing is combined, 2 or 3 minutes. Fill caps with stuffing using a small scoop or large spoon. Place caps in hot oven and reduce heat to 450 degrees F. Bake 6 to 8 minutes to crisp edges of stuffing and set stuffing in mushrooms. Transfer stuffed mushrooms to a serving plate.

 

 

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Before Kindles, This Is How People Carried Around Their Collection Of Books

Today’s generation barely knows what real books look like anymore. Instead of leather covers and actual pages, they’re more accustomed to a bright, digital interface and e-ink. Carrying around your favorite books is now easier than ever, but avid readers have always wanted to keep favorite books at their fingertips. That’s why, centuries ago, someone invented this curious creation.

According to a recent discovery from the University of Leeds, this is how people carried around their collections in the 17th century: tiny, portable libraries.

It may look like just another large text from the outside…

It may look like just another large text from the outside...

But when opened, three shelves of miniature texts are revealed.

But when opened, three shelves of miniature texts are revealed.

This is one of only four that exist, dating back to 1617.

This is one of only four that exist, dating back to 1617.

You might need a microscope to read them, but the books include mostly classical text.

You might need a microscope to read them, but the books include mostly classical text.

The inside cover features an ornate illustration of columns and arches with text explaining the categories of text found on each shelf.

The inside cover features an ornate illustration of columns and arches with text explaining the categories of text found on each shelf.

Three sections: theology and philosophy, history, and poetry.

Three sections: theology and philosophy, history, and poetry.

Included are works by works by Cicero, Virgil, Ovid, Seneca, Horace, and Julius Caesar.

Included are works by works by Cicero, Virgil, Ovid, Seneca, Horace, and Julius Caesar.

  Reportedly, a man named William Hakewill MP commissioned this “Jacobean Kindle” for a friend of his. Within the next five years, Hakewill would go on to commission three more for friends.

Reportedly, a man named William Hakewill MP commissioned this

Darren O’Brien

Old world meeting new.

Old world meeting new.

The whole thing doesn’t seem too much bigger than an iPad, but quite a bit bulkier.

The whole thing doesn't seem too much bigger than an iPad, but quite a bit bulkier.

 

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We Three Kings (Piano/Cello) – ThePianoGuys

Merry Christmas Impish!

Come back next week pal and I’ll have another prezzie like this for ya…if you’re still on the nice list that is!

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The Top 20 Frosty the Snowman Complaints

20.Two words: Global warming

19. Never seems to get a corncob pipe from Colorado.

18. Without legs, you’re a sitting duck if that Zimmerman guy comes snooping around.

17. Picking up hot chicks is life threatening.

16. “What? ANOTHER mother@#$%ing Wendy’s gift certificate?!”

15. Perpetual blueballs.

14. Top hats are so frigging boring. Why not a magical jaunty beret?

13. The never-ending onslaught of “snow balls” jokes.

12. His apparel? Totally gay.

11. Really REALLY hates the smell of carrots.

10. That Calvin is a sadistic little fella.

9. I swear, it’s only small because it’s so cold.

8. Of course I dance around. But those snotty Dancing With the Stars people are all “We’ll be in touch.”

7. Total lack of racial diversity among his people.

6. Glaucoalma

5. Every year, some bratty kid makes a “tail” by removing his nose and shoving it up his butt.

4. Mrs. Frosty? Frigid.

3. Thanks to the old silk hat and corncob pipe, everybody thinks I’m a hipster.

2. “Obamacare” doesn’t cover melting.

And the Number 1 Frosty the Snowman Complaint…

  1. There’s never a snowblower around when you’re in the mood.

Copyright © 1994–2013 Chris White All rights reserved.

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An American, a Scot and a Canuk were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

“Well,” said the American, “I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth.”

He continued, ” So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here.”

“That’s amazing!” said one of the doctors, “But what happened to the other two?”

“Last I saw them,” replied the American, “the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his.”

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Little Drummer Boy – Pentatonix

 

Fishing Leprechaun style

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.

Lethal Leprechaun stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

Fishing,’ replied the Leprechaun.

‘Poor old fool’ thought the gentleman, so he invited Lethal to have a drink in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked,
 
‘And how many have you caught?’
 
‘You’re the eighth.’

 

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The music from Today’s issue can be downloaded as MP3s here.

http://www29.zippyshare.com/v/93059357/file.html

The songs are in a compressed file. You’ll need to be able to download it and decompress it your self using a program such as WinRar or 7Zip to access the MP3s.

DO NOT ASK FOR TECHNICAL SUPPORT HELP FROM US!

Those who do will get a decidedly naughty reply full of attitude from Marine Gunnery Sargent Grinch!

In addition I will remove the music downloads from both of the next two issues.

doing it right

Say what you will about the Texans, J. J. Watt is proving himself a cut above the majority of professional athletes.

Texans JJ Watt buys pizzas for all HFD, HPD stations

Author: Matt Aufdenspring, Web Managing Editor, Click2Houston.com Published On: Nov 25 2014 01:21:09 PM CST

HOUSTON – Houston Texans superstar JJ Watt is getting just as much praise off the field as he does for his play on the field and Tuesday was no exception.

We told you last month how Watt surprised some lucky Texans fans by delivering pizzas to their door through his charity partnership with Papa John’s Pizza. Now Watt has taken it one step further.

On Tuesday, Watt reportedly bought Papa John’s pizzas and had them delivered to all Houston Police Department and Houston Fire Department stations for lunch, along with a handwritten note.

“Even though he has a lot going on, he still thinks about us here in Houston and wants us to know that we’re still appreciated,” said Perry McClendon, HFD Station 51 engineer-operator.

Local 2 viewer David Hsiung posted a photo of the handwritten note addressed to HFD and HFD on our Facebook page. It read in part, “I just wanted to send you a small token of appreciation for everything you do… As athletes, we often get the headlines and big crowds but just like the men and women in our military, y’all are the ones who truly deserve the credit, appreciation and admiration. I know it’s not much, but please enjoy lunch on me today.”

The note is signed by Watt.

The Houston Police Department tweeted out a photo of Officer L. Lindquist holding the note and boxes of pizza at the HPD South Central Patrol station.

Each week through football season, Papa John’s will donate 10 percent of Tuesday sales to the Justin J. Watt Foundation, which supports middle school athletes.

animeXmasBabesMerXmas

Posted in Uncategorized | 8 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1413


Dragon Laffs 16
Good Morning Campers,

I must offer you an apology.  Things at the dragon cavern have been tough this week.  It’s a long personal story that I won’t go into here, but suffice it to say that I haven’t had time to add a lot of personalization into today’s issue.  I look at the wonderful job that Lethal did on the Thanksgiving Day issue and I’m quite embarrassed. But, I will do my best to correct this in the future. 

In the mean time, I will get back to my family and all of you can enjoy the jokes and cartoons.

Let’s Laugh

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A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, ‘How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne too!’

‘What a coincidence,’the farmer says, ‘This is a special day for me, I’m celebrating.’

‘This is a special day for me too, I’m also celebrating!’ says the woman.

‘What a coincidence’ says the man.

As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, ‘What are you celebrating?’

‘My husband and I have been trying for years to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I’m pregnant!’

‘What a coincidence,’ says the man, ‘I’m a chicken farmer and for years all my hens have been infertile, but today they’re finally laying eggs.’

‘That’s great!’ says the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’

‘I used a different cock,’ he replied.

The woman smiled and said, ‘What a coincidence.’

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Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?”

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay, then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.”

Again, Bruce instantly replies, “Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine.”

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.

“Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?”

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far.”

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little bastard is adorable.

 

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Dragon's Lair

 

Impish Dragon pointed to two old drunks across the bar from them and told his friend Lethal, “That’ll be us in ten years.”
Lethal turned to Impish and said, “That’s a mirror, you dumb shit.”

 

4a

Just heard on the news that Obama is moving more terrorists out of Gitmo.  Each transfer needs the signature of the Secretary of Defense.  And gee, they were waiting too long for Chuck Hagel to make decisions on each prisoner, so now he “resigns”.  Nah, nothing suspicious there.

More Detainees Set For Release From Guantanamo

More detainees are slowly and quietly being released from U.S. detention in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, The Wall Street Journal reports.

Five captives were released last week and more are set for December, although defense officials have been vague about numbers, the Journal said.

Just 143 detainees remain at the facility now, down from a high of close to 800 in the wake of the 9/11 terrorist attacks.

As President Barack Obama has said he favors closing Guantanamo entirely, some Republicans including U.S. Rep. Buck McKeon, who chairs the House Armed Services Committee, have raised concerns. The California lawmaker has complained that the numbers of detainees set for transfer by the administration is rising, the Journal reported.

The releases have also turned political. While Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel must approve transfers out, he apparently tangled with the White House over his pace, favoring a full investigation to ensure the captives would not be a risk to U.S. security once freed, 
Politico reported.

U.S. News & World Report cited Maddow Blog writer Steve Benen, who outlined the political chess going on behind Hagel’s back before his resignation was announced earlier this week, noting that his attitude on Guantanamo and releasing detainees was a part of his departure.

“Benen notes that a Saudi national, Muhammad al-Zahrani, an Al Qaida-trained fighter who’d been incarcerated in Guantanamo for well over a decade, was quietly repatriated over the weekend, a signal that a Pentagon shakeup was near. Five other detainees were released last week,” U.S. News said.

 

Thursday was Thanksgiving and we have mentioned very many things to be thankful for.  Well, here’s a bunch of military families that are thankful…VERY Thankful.

 

 

4b
 

So I asked my Doctor, “Doctor, what are we going to do about this dangerous virus from Africa?”
 
And he said, “I don’t know, he has two more years in office.”
 

4d

 

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4h

 

Ginny writes in and says:

When she borrowed my dog Ralphie she didn’t mention that she was going to take him to a football game!

EXCEPTIONAL DOG!!!

 

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I’ll bet you can hear colors, too.

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Grieving

Ground Control

grounds for divorce

Group Failure

Guard Dog

 

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cheers3

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

DL & LL Digital Media Ltd. Thanksgiving Holiday Issue 2014


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As you get off the elevator you are urged not to dally by several iLethals who seem to be indicating some sort of ‘event’ is near to starting. As you rush in to find your seats you see the Patron area is already filled and if you didn’t know better you’d swear book was being made on what ever this soon to be occurring event was.

Lethal seems to be splitting his time between monitoring the betting book and listening to reports apparently being sent to his left ear where some sort of headset can be seem dangling. He gestures emphatically at a sign on the wall when you ask what is going on. Apparently Impish has served notice that he’ll not tolerate being excluded from Thanksgiving prep and overseeing the kitchen this year. Apparently because he caught wind of the rumor that Lethal’s much ballyhooed  about Turducken was going to be the center piece of the meal and Impish has been shut out of (as he puts it) ‘his consultation input and/or tasting for approval approval of this important decision’. The note goes on to say that he will make his inspection at such time as Lethal is too busy to possibly interfere with it.

Suddenly Lethal calls out  “He’s loading something in the freight elevator now. Last bets before it starts!”

Several people scurry to make wagers and the big screen over the podium descends and comes to life showing some portion of Dl & LL Corporate HQ that you’ve never seen before. Judging from the walls and lack of decor this is part of a service area. The screen flickers and splits into two views to also show another hallway with what appears to be a freight elevator at the far end.  A line of text appears at the bottom of the screen ‘Target arriving in 15..14.13…12″ and the count down continues to zero.

At that point thee doors open and you can see Impish pushing what appears to be a large wooden frame covered with over lapping mirrors wearing what appears to be a very large rubber tent with a hole cut for his head. He’s sporting what appears to be two pair of possibly ski goggles one over each eye and what at best guess appears to be some sort of nasal filtration made from 2 barrel carb air cleaner kits.

Once the mirrored shield is out of the elevator Impish slowly extends and canes his neck around it on all sides carefully inspecting the floor walls and ceiling before slowly advancing down the hallway. Once he makes the corner he lays flat on the floor and peers around it carefully suddenly his obviously amplified muttering can be heard.

“See I knew I needed to be taste testing! Those Turduckens smell fantastic! (Something in audible due to Impish’s belly rumbling drowning it out) Rotten Leprechaun claims they are too expensive and too rich for tastes test, and after I only ask for 6 of the biggest one too! Well  I’ll show him! I’ve been prepping for this since I got lasered last year then Tazered in the ass by them pop down turrets that little green Napoleon installed!

Huh ! Wonder what that rubber floor mat is all about, that’s new. Looks like some sort of conveyor belt, maybe it helps get my food upstairs faster. Seems like an awful lot of new  Wi-Fi antennas too, but reception down here was always bad. Maybe we need a bigger kitchen, going to have to talk to Lethal about that, them look like round oven pans that should be in the kitchen hang on the wall to either side of the door. Well, the sooner I get this done the sooner I munch Turducken to the sounds of Lethal screams of  frustration and not being the boss of me!

Impish slowly and carefully maneuvers the mirrors shield around the corner and slides behind it. When his head pops back up it appears he’s attached a larger square mirror to this horns to protect as much of his face as he can. You can see him take several deep breaths before he bellows out:

THIS IS IMPISH DRAGON, YOUR BOSS DESPITE WHAT LETHAL TELLS YOU! I’M COMING IN FOR A THANKSGIVING MEAL INSPECTION AND QUALITY CONTROL SAMPLING AND I DON’T WANT TO HERE ANYTHING ABOUT IT! FURTHER MORE THE FIRST ONE OF YOU THAT TRIES TO WARNING LETHAL GETS FIRED- AS IN FLAME ROASTED RIGHT WHERE YOU STAND! NOW, WE DOING THIS MY WAY OR DO I HAVE TO GET MEAN?

Yippes!

A host of sharp cooking implements, large cutlery and several impressively sized cleavers come flying down the hall slamming into Impish’s shield breaking a few mirrors before embedding themselves in the wood behind them.

OK YOU MADE YOUR TOKEN STAND AND I’LL BE SURE TO TELL LETHAL IT WAS PROPERLY FRIGHTENING. NOW, IF THAT’S THE BEST YOU’VE GOT I’M COMING…

HOLY JEEZE!

Several five foot long one inch square iron bars come flying down the hall and pierce the shield completely. One coming to a stop about two inches from Impish left eye as he hides behind the shield. Lethal identified theses as several of the skewers from the custom rotisserie in the kitchen.

HEY NOW! IT’S ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL SOMEONE LOSES AN EYE AND IF THAT SOMEONE IS ME I’M GOING TO BE REALLY PISSED! (muttering under his breath…. Can’t believe I left Lethal con me into hiring SEALs, Rangers and Recon Marines to run the kitchen! Should have seen this coming!)

Just before a large heavy sounding metal door slams down across the kitchen opening bearing the spray painted legend “Impish Proof. Approach at your own humiliation” you hear faintly what sounds like a Bronx cheer and the words “Eh go make another insurance commercial Barney will ya? We’s got no more time ta make you look foolish dinosaur we’re working in here!”

Momentarily Impish’s coloring does nearly resemble that of his hated Dinosaur nemesis. Then he takes several deep breaths and grimly starts pushing his shield before him down the hall. He appears to be growing in confidence until he hits the conveyor belt, which at about the half way point seemingly turns into a tread mill halting his advance.  At he same time you observe his mirrored shield start quivering and a look of severe discomfort appear on Impish’s face. This look increases until he get a look of panic on his face and turns around dashes down the hall yelling

CLEAR THE MENS ROOM!

In the conference room there are groans of disappointment as apparent Impish bettors make ready to discard or tear up their tickets. Lethal cautions against this saying:

“The terms o’ the wager were that it wasn’t over until Impish gets back on the elevator and leaves the kitchens level or calls to be rescued. Tis nae either occurred yet.”

In response to a query about what had just happened Lethal replies

 Tis some non lethal crowd control tech I’ve agreed to test out for DARPA. Tis called a Long Range Acoustic Device and I paired with with a very low frequency sound generator. Low frequencies disrupt and interfere with a body’s internal processes for as long as they are exposed the the sounds in humans. Apparently in Dragons the effect is centered …somewhat lower and of a more…pressing shall we call it nature. Puns intended folks.” (Several giggles and groans can be heard before Lethal’s hand goes suddenly to his ear) “OK he’s coming out time for round 2!”

Impish goes over to a wall mounted intercom consults a list of numbers and dials one.

“Yeah maintenance? Impish here. Men’s room on the kitchen’s level needs immediate attention, it’s a disaster in there. I don’t know, maybe a septic back up or something. Possibly a kid with M-80s but its bad. Yeah. Bring Hazmat suits and air freshener…lots of air freshener. wadda ya mean what am I doing on the kitchen level?! This is MY mountain! I’ll go where I want!” <Slams intercom back on wall> (muttering) Sheesh! Lethal even has the mop jockeys narking on me now! I’m going to need a bigger bribe Cmas gift budget!

Impish goes back up the hallway and is startled to find his much the worst for having been shaken nearly apart shield back to where he originally started from. Also a new sign hangs from the door barring off the kitchen which reads:

“We warned you! You’re not much of a fart smeller are you…wait we take that back that one you left in the hall was pretty nasty. Learn from the experience and prove you’re not just another dumb dinosaur Barney!”

Impish turns Barney purple, picks up what is left of his shield and charges at the kitchen door. Predictably half down the hall the conveyor switches on and it’s the whole tread mill scenario all over again. Another bellow and Impish switches to short flying hops the hall way being to narrow and ceiling to low for him to completely unfurl his wings and fly. The conveyor immediately speed up to match him and he’s back in the middle of the hall. Suddenly all those “Wi-Fi antennas” Impish commented on gain lit LEDs and vacillate several times before locking on Impish. The moment they do the hallway lights flicker and dim. You notice occasional small sparks from anything metal on Impish and that his rubber poncho seems to be getting very droopy. There seems to be wisps of steam or smoke seeping out from under More than a few of Impish’s scales too.

Suddenly even though the homemade eye protection you can see Impish’s eye grow wide with panic. He drops the shield and makes good use of the conveyor’s traveling the a rear ward direction the exit the area tearing hunks of the now nearly melted poncho off him as he goes bellowing:

“HOT! I’m so HOT! Gang Way! OW! OW! OW! Clear the Corridor! OW! Dragon Emergency!”

He pauses his head long dash for the elevator just long enough to grab a large CO2 fire extinguisher from a fire fighting station and as the elevator doors close the whoosh of its activation can be heard and a small cloud of CO2 escapes the elevator.

Lethal looks at those who bet on Impish and smiles broadly as he says

“NOW you can cue those groans folks! Your bank accounts will be debited for your losses immediately. Those who bet and won can expect to be credited immediately. Excuse me one moment please.”

He pulls out a phone from his vest and dials an in house extension.

Yes ‘tis Lethal. Everything ok down there? No serious damage? Good. No, he’ll be no more trouble today. Yes he’s left the level you can open back up now. Oops got to go that would be him calling now.

Hello? Impish! What a surprise! What? You’re where? Okay but….ah I see. The first? Low frequency sound through very powerful and focusable sound projectors. No, honestly I had no idea, in most folks it just takes their breath away and makes them uneasy. Finally passed that chocolate covered porcupine I slipped you at Halloween for eating all the chocolate? Good! See there was an upside after all. Yes I’ll bet he was a wee pissed off at being your intestinal bottle brush.

The other thing? It’s called an Active Denial System, damned effective no? Think of it as a bunch of tiny microware ovens all focused at you. Oh PLEASE you big baby! You’re fine its nothing more than a sunburn would be! You’re just upset because you failed…again. OK! OK! Tell you what I’ll send Diamen and Ginny down to the pool with two 5 gallon buckets of Aloe Vera and some pastry bags to squirt it under your scales how’s that? What? NO! I will most certainly NOT tell them they HAVE to skinny dip with you! If you keep THAT up I’ll give ALL of your turkeys to feed the homeless! Begorrah! Stop bloody blubbering already the ladies are on their way! <hangs up>

Ladies if you would be so kind? Thank you. You’ll find the Aloe Vera and the applicators waiting for you at the Veterinary Infirmary on level 7. Impish is in the grotto pool on level 22 in full pout. Let’s not mention this little piece of pari-mutuel cinema to him shall we? Thank you ladies!

Ladies and Gentleman, that concludes the entertainment for today I hope you enjoyed it. Please enjoy the issue while I go see about assuaging my friends now rather depressed over failing to breach my defenses 3 years running feelings.

 

Opening Logo 6

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Yeah- Good luck getting any of THAT pie away from HIM!

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And for those Thanksgiving feast crazed dragons special few who drive you to drink…

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Fun Facts about the First Thanksgiving

  • The Plymouth Pilgrims were the first to celebrate the Thanksgiving.
  • The Pilgrims sailed across the Atlantic Ocean to reach North America.
  • They sailed on the ship, which was known by the name of ‘Mayflower’.
  • They celebrated the first Thanksgiving Day at Plymouth, Massachusetts.
  • The Wampanoag Indians were the people who taught the Pilgrims how to cultivate the land.
  • The Pilgrim leader, Governor William Bradford, had organized the first Thanksgiving feast in 1621. He invited the neighboring Wampanoag Indians to the feast.
  • The first Thanksgiving celebration lasted three days.
  • Mashed potatoes, pumpkin pies, popcorn, milk, corn on the cob, and cranberries were not foods present on the first Thanksgiving’s feast table.
  • Lobster, rabbit, chicken, fish, squashes, beans, chestnuts, hickory nuts, onions, leeks, dried fruits, maple syrup and honey, radishes, cabbage, carrots, eggs, and goat cheese are thought to have made up the first Thanksgiving feast.

    The pilgrims didn’t use forks; they ate with spoons, knives, and their fingers.

     

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    We Gather Together – Celtic Women

     

    The Top 5 Songs About Thanksgiving

    1. All About That Baste
    2. I Stuff Myself
    3. Stairway to Heavin’
    4. Who Let Their Pants Out?

     

    And the Number One Song About Thanksgiving…

    Do They Know It’s NOT F%^&ing Christmas?

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    Now we see everything that’s going wrong
    With the world and those who lead it
    We just feel like we don’t have the means
    To rise above and beat it

    If we had the power,
    To bring our neighbors home from war…
    They would have never missed a Thanksgiving
    No more ribbons on their door

    So we keep waiting
    Waiting on the world to change

    John Mayer “Waiting On The World To Change”
    (paraphrased by Lethal)

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    Tomorrow is Thanksgiving but its also the official start of the annual madness that is the Cmas shopping season. Here are a few holiday cost cutting tips and tricks.

    The Top 17 Cost-Cutting Holiday Seasons Ideas

    17. Fill a fruitcake tin with mud and let it dry. Superglue the lid on. No one has opened one in 50 years, so you’re good.

    16. Tell kids Christmas is January 25th; score everything 75% off.

    15. Let’s just say that most Toys for Tots bins aren’t monitored by security cameras.

    14. Two words: dingleball ornaments

    13. Save on your shopping budget with a quick walk around the neighborhood, right after the UPS and FedEx trucks go by.

    12. C’mon, your neighbor’s never going to miss that pine tree from his front yard.

    11. “Sorry, kids, Santa’s in jail again this year.”

    10. THE Christmas present for all your non-Christian friends: Say you’ll pray for them.

    9. Re-purpose inexpensive birthday cards. Simply pencil in “, Jesus!”

    8. Stand outside the grocery store asking for donations of milk, cream, sugar, eggs and nutmeg. Voila! Beg Nog.

    7. Undocumented carolers.

    6. Contract with North Korea to hang political prisoners from your tree.

    5. Invite your psychiatrist and have a combined family gathering/group therapy session.

    4. That’s not snow-frozen dog shit —- they’re Outdoor Lincoln Logs(R)!

    3. Avoid the expense and headaches of fighting for the lowest priced gifts at the mall by just staying at home and punching yourself in the face instead.

    2. Last year: Christmas shopping. This year: Christmas shoplifting.

    And the Number 1 Cost-Cutting Holiday Seasons Idea…

    1. Put a great, big bow in the middle of the driveway overnight. In the morning, when you lead your S.O. out to see their big surprise, you scream, “Oh my God! Somebody stole it!”

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    Thanksgiving Facts throughout History

  • Benjamin Franklin wanted the turkey to be the national bird of the United States.
  • Sarah Josepha Hale, an American magazine editor, persuaded Abraham Lincoln to declare Thanksgiving a national holiday. She is also the author of the popular nursery rhyme “Mary Had a Little Lamb”
  • Abraham Lincoln issued a ‘Thanksgiving Proclamation’ on third October 1863 and officially set aside the last Thursday of November as the national day for Thanksgiving.
  • The annual Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade tradition began in the 1920’s.
  • In 1939, President Roosevelt proclaimed that Thanksgiving would take place on November 23rd, not November 30th, as a way to spur economic growth and extend the Christmas shopping season.
  • Congress to passed a law on December 26, 1941, ensuring that all Americans would celebrate a unified Thanksgiving on the fourth Thursday of November every year.
  • Since 1947, the National Turkey Federation has presented a live turkey and two dressed turkeys to the President. The President does not eat the live turkey. He “pardons” it and allows it to live out its days on a historical farm.

     

    The West Wing – Pardon a Turkey

     

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    Well I guess THAT explains all the complaints from the Butterball Hot Line about Impish!

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    Fun Facts about Thanksgiving Today

  • In the US, about 280 million turkeys are sold for the Thanksgiving celebrations.
  • Each year, the average American eats somewhere between 16 – 18 pounds of turkey.
  • Californians are the largest consumers of turkey in the United States.
  • Thanksgiving Day is celebrated on the fourth Thursday in November in the United States.
  • Although, Thanksgiving is widely considered an American holiday, it is also celebrated on the second Monday in October in Canada.
  • Black Friday is the Friday after Thanksgiving in the United States, where it is the beginning of the traditional Christmas shopping season.

     

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    BAD PARROT

    A young man received a parrot as a gift.

    It had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

    Every word out of the  bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and  tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite  words,
    playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean  up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

    Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

    The parrot yelled back.

    John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.

    John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

    For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

    Then there was total quiet.

    Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

    Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

    The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said  “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

    I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

    John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.

    As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

  • President Bartlet and the Butterball Hotline

     

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    You CAN use fresh or canned Dragon in any of the following recipes EXCEPT for the cookies. I have the feeling that locally its going to be very cheap the next few weeks if a certain dragon doesn’t stop his annual harassment of the cooking staff and assault on the forbidden territory of the Corporate kitchens.

    Slow-Cooker Bean and Barley Soup

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    Ingredients

    1 cup dried multi-bean mix or Great Northern beans, picked over and rinsed
    1/2 cup pearl barley
    3 cloves garlic, smashed
    2 medium carrots, roughly chopped
    2 ribs celery, roughly chopped
    1/2 medium onion, roughly chopped
    1 bay leaf
    Kosher salt
    2 teaspoons dried Italian herb blend
    Freshly ground black pepper
    1/2 ounce dried porcini mushrooms, crumbled if large, optional
    One 14-ounce can whole tomatoes, with juice
    3 cups cleaned baby spinach leaves (about 3 ounces)
    1/4 cup freshly grated Parmesan Balsamic vinegar, for drizzling
    Extra-virgin olive oil, for drizzling
     

    Directions

    Put 6 cups water, the beans, barley, garlic, carrots, celery, onions, bay leaf, 11/2 tablespoons salt, herb blend, some pepper and porcini mushrooms (if using) in a slow cooker. Squeeze the tomatoes through your hands over the pot to break them down, and add with their juices. Cover and cook on high until the beans are quite tender and the soup is thick, about 8 hours.

    Add the spinach and cheese, and stir until the spinach wilts, about 5 minutes. Remove the bay leaf and season with salt and pepper.

    Ladle the soup into warmed bowls and drizzle each serving with vinegar and olive oil.

    I add sausage (chicken or brown & serve cut up), diced ham or cooked crumbed bacon to mine. I know of one cook who added cut up peppered beef jerky to his. Prebrowned off Beef shanks would also work well. If you don’t have the dried porcini mushrooms don’t worry you can substitute Baby Bellas or a cut up Portobello (remove the gills) or skip them entirely. If skipping I suggest substituting a can of Beef Broth for 1.5 cups of the water or adding a little powdered low sodium bullion (beef or vegetable)

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    Beef and Butternut Squash Stew

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    Ingredients

    3 tablespoon olive oil
    1 onion, peeled and chopped
    2 cloves garlic, chopped
    1 tablespoon minced fresh rosemary
    1 tablespoon chopped fresh thyme
    2 pounds stew beef, cut into 2-inch cubes
    1/2 teaspoon salt, plus more to taste
    1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper, plus more to taste
    2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
    1 cup Marsala wine
    1 pound butternut squash, trimmed and cut into 2-inch cubes
    1/4 cup chopped sun-dried tomatoes
    3 to 4 cups beef broth
    2 tablespoons fresh chopped flat-leaf parsley
    Crusty bread, for serving

    Directions

    In a large soup pot heat 3 tablespoons of olive oil over medium heat. Add the onions, garlic, rosemary, and thyme and sauté until the onions are tender, about 2 minutes. Toss the beef cubes in salt and pepper and flour. Turn up the heat to med-high and add the beef to the pot. Cook until the beef is browned and golden around the edges, about 5 minutes. Add the Marsala wine. Using a wooden spoon, gently stir up all the brown bits off the bottom of the pan. Add the butternut squash and sun-dried tomatoes and stir to combine. Add enough beef broth to just cover the beef and squash. Bring the stew to a boil over high heat, then reduce the heat to low and simmer, covered, for 1 hour. Season the stew with additional salt and pepper to taste. Sprinkle with the chopped parsley. Serve with crusty bread alongside

    Don’t have Sundried Tomatoes in your pantry? Me either. Just use some canned lo sodium diced or stewed ones instead. OR try dried cranberries (aka Craisins)

    No Marsala wine? No problem! Use beer, red wine or stock (Beef or Vegetable). Last time I made it I had just about 1 serving of French Onion Soup left over and used that to great effect. I understand you can get if concentrated in a can now.

    I usually add mushroom (Crimini/Baby Bellas or Portabellas depending what’s in the veggie drawer) and frozen Italian Green Beans for about the last 20 minutes of cooking.

    Don’t like peeling and chopping butternut squash? You can usually find in frozen in bags though you might have a bit of a hard time with that around Thanksgiving. Don’t like butternut squash? Use sweet potatoes instead!

    Coffee Spice Cookies

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    • Prep Time: 15 minutes
    • Cook Time: 8 minutes
    • Yield: 4 dozen

    Ingredients

    • 2 teaspoons Instant Coffee Crystals
    • 1 teaspoon hot water
    • 1/2 cup Butter Flavor All-Vegetable Shortening
    • 3/4 cup firmly packed brown sugar
    • 1 large egg
    • 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
    • 1 1/2 cups All Purpose Flour
    • 1 teaspoon baking powder
    • 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
    • 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
    • 1/4 teaspoon salt
    • 1/3 cup chocolate decorator bits

    Directions

    1. DISSOLVE instant coffee in hot water. Beat shortening, brown sugar, egg, vanilla and coffee mixture in large bowl with electric mixer until light and fluffy. Mix in flour, baking powder, cinnamon, nutmeg and salt.
    2. DIVIDE dough into two equal parts. Shape each half into a roll 7-inches long x 1 1/2-inches in diameter. Roll in chocolate decorator bits, pressing lightly. Wrap tightly. Refrigerate at least 2 hours.
    3. HEAT oven to 375ºF. Cut rolls into 1/4-inch slices. Place slices 1-inch apart on ungreased baking sheet.
    4. BAKE 6 to 8 minutes or until set. Cool on rack.

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    Chicken and Cornmeal Dumplings

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    Ingredients

    • 2 medium carrots, thinly sliced
    • 1 stalk celery, thinly sliced
    • 1/3 cup fresh or frozen corn kernels
    • 1/2 of a medium onion, thinly sliced
    • 2 cloves garlic, minced
    • 1 teaspoon snipped fresh rosemary or 1/2 teaspoon dried rosemary, crushed
    • 1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
    • 2 chicken thighs, skinned
    • 1 cup reduced-sodium chicken broth
    • 1/2 cup fat-free milk
    • 1 tablespoon all-purpose flour
    • 1 recipe Cornmeal Dumplings (see recipe below)
    • Coarsely ground black pepper (optional)

    Directions

    1. In a 1 1/2- or 2-quart slow cooker, combine carrots, celery, corn, onion, garlic, rosemary, and 1/4 teaspoon pepper. Top with chicken. Pour broth over mixture in cooker.
    2. Cover and cook on low-heat setting for 7 to 8 hours or on high-heat setting for 3 1/2 to 4 hours. If no heat setting is available, cook for 5 to 5 1/2 hours.
    3. If using low-heat setting, turn to high-heat setting (or if no heat setting is available, continue cooking). Transfer chicken to a cutting board; cool slightly. When cool enough to handle, cut chicken off bones; discard bones. Chop chicken; return to mixture in cooker. In a small bowl, combine milk and flour until smooth. Stir into mixture in cooker.
    4. Using two spoons, drop Cornmeal Dumplings dough into four mounds on top of hot chicken mixture. Cover and cook for 20 to 25 minutes more or until a toothpick inserted into a dumpling comes out clean. (Do not lift cover during cooking.) If desired, sprinkle each serving with coarse pepper.

    Cornmeal Dumplings

    Ingredients

    • 1/4 cup flour
    • 1/4 cup cornmeal
    • 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
    • Dash salt
    • 1 egg white
    • 1 tablespoon fat-free milk
    • 1 tablespoon canola oil

    Directions

    1. In a medium bowl stir together flour, cornmeal, baking powder, and salt. In a small bowl combine egg white, milk, and oil. Add egg mixture to flour mixture; stir just until moistened.

    Nutrition Facts Per Serving:

    Servings Per Recipe: 2
    PER SERVING: 369 cal., 10 g total fat (1 g sat. fat), 55 mg chol., 582 mg sodium, 47 g carb. (5 g fiber, 9 g sugars), 24 g pro.

     

    Diabetic Exchanges

    Vegetables (d.e): 1; Starch (d.e): 2.5; Lean Meat (d.e): 2; Fat (d.e): 1

    Split Pea and Potato Soup

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    Tender chunks of potato make thick pea soup even heartier. This meal is guaranteed to warm kids up on cold winter days. If not serving soup immediately, let it cool completely, and then store it in airtight containers. It will keep in the refrigerator for up to five days and in the freezer for up to one month.

    • yield: Makes 3 3/4 Quarts

    Ingredients

    • 3 tablespoons unsalted butter
    • 1 large onion, finely chopped
    • 4 medium carrots (1 pound), cut into 1/2-inch rounds
    • 2 stalks celery, cut crosswise into 1/4-inch pieces
    • 1 pound green split peas, rinsed and picked through
    • 2 quarts chicken stock
    • 1 bay leaf
    • Salt and freshly ground pepper
    • 2 pounds Yukon gold potatoes, cut into 1/2-inch pieces

    Directions

    1. Melt butter in a 6-quart pot over medium heat. Add onion, carrots, and celery; cook, stirring frequently, until vegetables begin to soften, about 5 minutes. Stir in split peas, chicken stock, and bay leaf; season with salt and pepper. Bring mixture to a boil. Reduce heat to low; cover, and simmer, stirring occasionally, 30 minutes.

    2. Add potatoes, and simmer until they are tender, about 30 minutes. Discard bay leaf, and season with salt and pepper. Serve immediately.

    Meghan Trainor – “All About That Bass” Parody “All About That Baste” (Thanksgiving Song)

     

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    Fun Turkey Facts

  • The average weight of a turkey purchased at Thanksgiving is 15 pounds.
  • The heaviest turkey ever raised was 86 pounds, about the size of a large dog.
  • A 15 pound turkey usually has about 70 percent white meat and 30 percent dark meat.
  • The five most popular ways to serve leftover turkey is as a sandwich, in stew, chili or soup, casseroles and as a burger.
  • Turkey has more protein than chicken or beef.
  • Turkeys will have 3,500 feathers at maturity.
  • Male turkeys gobble. Hens do not. They make a clucking noise.
  • Commercially raised turkeys cannot fly.
  • Turkeys have heart attacks. The United States Air Force was doing test runs and breaking the sound barrier. Nearby turkeys dropped dead with heart attacks.
  • A large group of turkeys is called a flock.
  • Turkeys have poor night vision.
  • It takes 75-80 pounds of feed to raise a 30 pound tom turkey.
  • A 16-week-old turkey is called a fryer. A five to seven month old turkey is called a young roaster.

     

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    That’s Impish’s Holiday Dinner….

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    That’s a s deployed soldier’s holiday meal, IF he’s lucky enough to even get a hot one.

     

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    A  little preview of next years hottest selling Christmas present for guys

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    I TRIED to warn him we are what we eat! Just LOOK now! He’s turning into a Dragturkhamon and it’s not even Thanksgiving yet!!

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    Alright Lads & Lasses, originally the plan was for Impish himself to do the Last Word today. However in as much as he is currently sulking in the pool refusing to come out until he tastes Turducken indisposed due to a minor skin irritation received during his assault on the off limits kitchens, he’s sent this Bob Wydock fellow (who seems somehow strangely familiar to me from someplace) to carry on in his place. Mr. Wydock the floor is yours sir.

      Lethal gave me this wonderful opportunity to include a Last Word with his
    Thanksgiving Day issue.
      So, to start out with the things that I’m grateful for, one of the first has
    to be the good friend that I have in Lethal Leprechaun.  As most of you
    know, we have never met in RL or real life, although we’ve been pals in our
    mythological world for centuries.  He’s a great buddy, always has my back,
    even as he’s directing bus drivers to my current location. [never actually proven]
      Not surprisingly to some of you, we spend a great deal of time in our
    mythical world.  Spending whole afternoons in our world in text and emails.
      A special few of you have been included in portions of this arena, but
    nobody has been privy to all of it.  I know it sounds a bit crazy, in truth
    of fact; it’s a whole bus full of crazy at times.  But, it satisfies an
    artistic void that would otherwise be filled with book writing, game
    creation or RPG playing. [What?! We could have been playing RPGs? I’m talking to you less from now on Impish!]
      Anyway, that’s first on my list.
      Second would be my family.  My RL family, that is.  My wonderful wife who is
    indeed my other half.  I’m not sure where I would be at this point in my
    life if it wasn’t for her, but there are really good odds that above ground
    and breathing would not have been one of the favorites.  My three fantastic
    children, only one of which who is still at home.  I have six beautiful
    grandchildren who I don’t see near enough of; two brothers who are still
    amongst the living and one who has gone on to a better place.  Nieces and
    nephews from my brothers and My dad, whom you all know as Papa Dragon Most
    Senior and my sister who still dwells in the land of Jersey who I really
    don’t see or hear from at all;  Still all loved and still all thankful for.
    Because all of them, from the youngest to the oldest have helped shaped me
    into the man that I am today.
      And that doesn’t even begin to count my extended family courtesy of my
    darling Mrs. Dragon.  Let’s see, at last count there are 9 brothers and
    sisters, 25 nieces and nephews, 17 great nieces and nephews, plus her dad
    and numerous aunts and uncles.  Yup, family is a true blessing of mine and
    for that I am truly thankful.
      Then there is my other family.  That would be you guys.  (Take a bow, all of
    you.) You would not believe how thankful I am for each and every one of you.
    You get to accompany me in the world I walk through, the world both Lethal
    and I walk through and you get a glimpse at the world I alone walk through.
    You are all very special and dear, an extended family of the best kind and I
    am thankful and love you all.
      I am grateful to our military, currently serving and veterans, who have
    voluntarily agreed to put their asses on the line between the evil darkness
    out there and the friends and family we all have back here.  It’s a very
    small and dedicated group we belong to and I am proud to consider myself a
    member.
      I am grateful for the founding fathers who saw, in their infinite wisdom the
    path that we must take to have the freedoms and happiness that we enjoy so
    much in our country.  Even though the current times seem to have us
    wandering off that path, I know, with the grace of God, we will get passed
    this point and have our country continue to prosper and survive.
      And lastly, but certainly not least, I am grateful for my Heavenly Father
    and the sacrifice His Son has made in my name and the promise of everlasting
    life in His Grace.

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